Akpos fiancee said to him, “Now that we are engaged, we should start calling each other pet names”. He asked her, “So what do u want to be calling me?” She said, “I’ll be calling u TIGER”. “Why?” he asked. “Coz u’re handsome, tall, charming, strong, calculating, smart & very good in BEDmatics”. She then asked him, “What will u be calling me?” Mr Akpos said, “Zebra” The lady still smiling seductively, “Wow, that’s lovely & sweet. Why did u choose such a lovely name?” “Because of ur STRETCH MARKS”

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand
it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my
heart & I got Heart Attack.

AKPOS: God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in darkness, He created light.
He saw me without problems, He created YOU.

WIFE:.. Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are ..
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

AKPOS: The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you..?

WIFE: ...Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too...
Not in cage but laughing at YOU

WHO KILLED IT? The wife or the husband?

TEACHER: Why didn't you study?

AKPOS: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days.Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days...You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That's why I did not study

TEACHER: keep quiet!!!

5 things indian films have taught me
(1) One of the identical twins is born evil! 

(2) While defusing a bomb don't worry about which wire to cut, you will always choose the right one!

(3) A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up, but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound! 

(4) A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended! 

(5) If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps.

DAD: What's 10 plus 10?
AKPOS: I don't know.
DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you.

AKPOS: Daddy, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick?
DAD: 1000 of course
AKPOS: Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you.

A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says "These are nice but if they were a bit firmer, you could walk around without a bra for me."

Then the husband pats her butt and says "This is nice but if it was a bit firmer, you would walk around without panties for me."

The wife turns around to her husband grabs his groin and says "This is nice but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother"

The government announced that if you have 5 children your salary will be increased by 50 percent.

A man heard the news and said to his wife, "Darling, I have a kid with my girlfriend. I'm going to bring him so we can add him to our 4 kids."

When he came back, he saw only one of his children remaining. He asked, "where are the others?"

His wife replied, you are not the only one who heard the news, "THEIR FATHERS HAVE COME FOR THEM!"........

Sister Nkechi's Testimony: "Praise the rord!
Hmmm! It's not a small something. Well,
actually, it all started a two day ago,
which
I'm in my house a small hungry is
catching me, so I look in the house, nothing much
to chop unless small
plantain
which I've not fried before. So, I tell
myself to fry it and chop, as I'm frying
that
plantain, so phone ringing, so I look, it's a
faring place, so I now run, which I
reach
there, it's my father which call, so I
now
say,father call after, plantain frying. I keep
it. So now, I now turn around, as I
turn
round, all of a suddenly
everywhere in my house have turn to
smoke. Children of God as I'm approaching,
smoke is bigging, smoke is
just bigging and bigging. It's a fearing
thing
o! If it's you self, afraid will catch you.
So I
now call the name of Jesus three times. I
shout Jesus Jesus Jesus! All of a
miraculously, smoke start to be
vanishing,
to where? I doesn't know. It's a miracle
something o! Smoke start to disappearing
small, small, small. Then, my plantain
have
burn to matches.
Hallelujah...Praise the lort somebodies. But my
main testimony today be say, I
chop that charcoal and nothing is
happen
to me.!

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily, So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.

The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?"

The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500.

The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.