THE CHALLENGE

When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been settled long ago. The problem? One or both of you may not know how to forgive.

You can learn. First, though, consider why a husband and wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other.



WHY IT HAPPENS

Power: Some husbands and wives withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse. Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.

Resentment: The scars of a past offense can take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still harbor resentment for what happened—perhaps craving to get even.

Disappointment: Some people enter marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance. So when a disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just how their “perfect match” could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and less inclined to forgive.

Misunderstanding: Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For example:

If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.

If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.

If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.

Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult—especially in the close relationship between husband and wife.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Understand what forgiveness involves. In the Bible, at times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness does not always require that you forget what happened or minimize the wrong. Sometimes it means that you simply need to let go of a matter, for your own well-being and that of your marriage.

Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk for a wide range of physical and emotional problems, including depression and high blood pressure—not to mention the damage it does to your marriage. For good reason, the Bible says: “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.”—Ephesians 4:32.

Recognize the benefits of forgiving. A spirit of forgiveness allows you and your mate to give each other the benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep score” of wrongs. That, in turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps resentment in check and allows love to grow.—Bible principle: Colossians 3:13.

Be realistic. It is easier to be forgiving when you accept your spouse for who he or she is, flaws and all. “When you focus on what you didn’t get, it’s too easy to forget all of what you did get,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage. “Which list do you want to dwell on at this point in life?” Remember, no one is perfect—including you.—Bible principle: James 3:2.

Be reasonable. The next time you are offended by something that your spouse said or did, ask yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I need to demand an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’—Bible principle: 1 Peter 4:8.

If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not impute bad motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only put your spouse on the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your spouse’s actions affected you.

WHEN YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE

If you have hurt your spouse in some way, sincerely apologize. Even if you do not agree with your spouse’s view of the matter, you can ask forgiveness for what you have done that resulted in hurt feelings. If you work hard to avoid repeating the same mistake, you will give your spouse confidence that your apology was genuine.

Culled from AWAKE! published by Jehovah's Witnesses.

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201309/how-to-forgive/

Sometimes it can be really hard, especially if you are the one overlooking things so that peace can reign, or when she has the "its my way or the highway" attitude. Its very easy for you to say sorry when you are in the wrong, but its very hard (almost impossible) for her to say sorry, so that peace can reign. Choleric women are truly tough to live with. It takes the spirit of God in the life of the husband to contiually forgive, or say sorry even when you are right.and like you rightly pointed out power tossle at play here. But sometimes the whole thing can really get you mad. But for any marriage to succeed, one has to learn how to forgive totally, also learn how to say sorry (before I got married I delibrately looked in the mirror for 5mins everyday for a week and said sorry, am sorry over and over again till it became part of me, now its so easy once I have done wrong it doenst take anything for me to say am sorry and mean it) and always look @ what you are getting as against what you are not getting. The question then begs, what if what you are not getting far out weighs what you are getting. Lols well each to his own.

this is good - very good

hmmmmm, lord give me strength. this is my weakest point, i can for give friends and relatives but

wen it comes to my hubby, it takes a lot of time and lots of sorry for me to forgive him.

after 17 years am still learning

As with EVERYONE, the only way to FORGIVE TOTALLY, IS NEVER TO FORGET!!!!
Or YOU ARE DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!
Amen!!!

Classical!
Awake magazines always on point!

bebe2: hmmmmm, lord give me strength. this is my weakest point, i can for give friends and relatives but

wen it comes to my hubby, it takes a lot of time and lots of sorry for me to forgive him.

after 17 years am still learning

yes its very difficult to forgive your spouse especially when your expectations is high.lesson,learn not to keep your hopes high to avoid heart break.

a question I will like to ask is...when u keep forgiving even without apology n d same issue keep repeating itself ...how do u forgive such completely n be able to trust ur partner again