On Courtship in Islam

I believe the following post adequately quotes the relevant Islamic scriptural references on the matter.

maclatunji: Courtship in Islam

By Huda Dodge, About.com Islam guide
Reprinted from About.com

The most common questions I get from young people are, "Do Muslims date?" and "If they don't date, how do they decide whom to marry?"

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims -- where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

So in today's world, how do young people manage? First of all, Muslim youth develop very close friendships with their same-sex peers. This "sisterhood" or "brotherhood" that develops when they are young continues throughout their lives. When a young person decides to get married, the following steps often take place:

Young person makes du'a (prayer) for Allah to help him or her find the right person.

The family enquires, discusses, and suggests candidates. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting.

Couple agrees to meet in chaperoned, group environment. Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)." (Bukhari/Muslim).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said,
"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them." (Tirmidhi).

When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to "lower their gaze and guard their modesty...." Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.

Family investigates candidate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn about his or her character.

Couple prays salat-l-istikhara (prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help in making a decision.

Couple agrees to pursue marriage or part ways. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want.

This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision.

Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why these marriages often prove successful.

Looking critically at the bolded, one will notice that the writer places emphasis on family elders' wisdom and guidance in making a success of the entire courtship process.

This is not very realistic in a society like Nigeria where quite often, children/young people are often more knowledgeable about Islam than their parents. Relying on parents/family elders for a choice of spouse might translate into selecting a not-so-good spouse in terms of Islam because factors such as social status, wealth, beauty and even "modernity" may be favoured whilst the degree of understanding and practice of Islam of the individual may not be considered at all in making such a decision.

Moreover, it assumes that the young people getting married are not competent to identify and evaluate important factors in their potential spouse's persona/character for a successful marriage. Surely, this is not the case for all Muslim singles.

Another point to note is that the fact that a young man and woman are Muslims does not necessarily make them compatible in marriage. Personal tastes, preferences and even ambitions might not be in congruence. Hence, there is a need to ensure that there is some sort of chemistry between the two before getting married.

Like Huda Dodge wrote: The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

I agree family involvement is important and marriage is a serious issue not to be taken lightly. So, how can young Muslims in a society like ours select compatible spouses without falling into Haram?

I don't have all the answers, but I have a few suggestions.

1. Discreetly Observe the Person You think might be a good spouse: The reality in our society is that we are exposed to both strong and weak Muslims. Hence, it makes a lot of sense to discreetly observe an individual you might be interested in for marriage; "how does she relate with other people?" "Does he observe his salat on time by leaving class or work at the right time?" "Is he dedicated and hardworking on his job?" "How is she perceived in her community?" These are things we can learn about an individual to a reasonable extent without directly interacting with them.

2. Ask your target's family and friends: It is safe to assume that the person you might be interested has family or at least close friends you can reach. Ask relevant questions like:

a. Is he/she single and unattached?

b. Is he introverted or extroverted?

c. Does he like kids?

d. Does she have a temper?

e. You know me and you know her, do you think we could be a happy couple?

f. What would you say are his flaws that anybody he marries might have to handle? I am interested but I don't want to waste my or his time.

These and other relevant questions when asked seriously and answered sincerely can give you insight into an individual and whether or not you might like them enough to marry them.

3. Attend Muslim singles match-making events: This might seem desperate but it really isn't because you are going to a place where you are more likely to find the ideal match for a spouse. These events often require that participants provide relevant info like biodata, profession, likes/dislikes and requirements. I have not attended any but I have seen some advertised as part of larger Islamic programmes like conferences or symposia. The advantage this has is that you can seriously identify people you really fancy in the midst of other candidates which can help you become more focused on that person.

4. Rely on a knowledgeable person's recommendation: This works if the person you are asking to consult for you (that is what it is) has good knowledge and practice of Islam and knows you well (your likes, dislikes, temperaments etc). They can they identify single people that might be suitable for you. Let's be honest, you have probably felt that Bro. 'A' might be great with Sister 'B'. Your "consultant' might just make a great match for you too. The person may or may not be a relative of yours.

These are some practical ways I believe Muslim singles in Nigeria and countries with similar "challenges" when it comes to the practise of Islam can identify, evaluate and marry potential spouses without falling into haram.

Please note that all of this would probably not be necessary in a country where sharia is practised because the culture would be based on Islam and to that extent, a lot of the factors that make identifying, evaluating and marrying a potential spouse so tricky for Muslim singles in Nigeria would not exist.

May Allah accept the good part of this essay as Ibadah and forgive the shortcomings.

Ma Salam.

Ameen. Jazakumllahu khair for this piece

Nice piece

few questions and comments, i'm wondering if the gender references are intentional or otherwise :

a. Is he/she single and unattached?

this is both genders, then from here, it becomes more specific

b. Is he introverted or extroverted?

c. Does he like kids?

d. Does she have a temper?

f. What would you say are his flaws that anybody he marries might have to handle?

^the last one is even more puzzling.





comment:

Attend Muslim singles match-making events: This might seem desperate but it really isn't

why would it seem desperate?

^It is just a style of writing...I am trying to appeal to both genders whom are my readers. The gender in the specific questions could easily be reversed. That is just me being friendly to both men and women in my essay.

As for the desperate part. My belief is that many people might want to shy away from such fora because they might see it as an admittance of the fact that they cannot independently woo a woman if they are male or are not good enough to attract quality men if they are female. This is not true at all. For example, an attractive lady may not find many guys approaching her because most feel intimidated by her success generally in life. That is why I made that comment to dispel such a notion.

maclatunji: ^It is just a style of writing...I am trying to appeal to both genders whom are my readers. The gender in the specific questions could easily be reversed. That is just me being friendly to both men and women in my essay.

ok, i get it now.

As for the desperate part. My belief is that many people might want to shy away from such fora because they might see it as an admittance of the fact that they cannot independently woo a woman if they are male or are not good enough to attract quality men if they are female. This is not true at all. For example, an attractive lady may not find many guys approaching her because most feel intimidated by her success generally in life. That is why I made that comment to dispel such a notion.

well, i doubt wishing to marry is a bad thing, the issue of "desperation" is generally viewed negatively in a female context because there's the perception they might make wrong choices if they feel they're under pressure to find a partner. Also the "intimidation" factor which you pointed out.

Not too sure if it [match making things] are seen as a negative context for a man since he'd have more choices and more candidates, in a way.


but, i do get your points.

Looking critically at the bolded, one will notice that the writer places emphasis on family elders' wisdom and guidance in making a success of the entire courtship process.

This is not very realistic in a society like Nigeria where quite often, children/young people are often more knowledgeable about Islam than their parents. Relying on parents/family elders for a choice of spouse might translate into selecting a not-so-good spouse in terms of Islam because factors such as social status, wealth, beauty and even "modernity" may be favoured whilst the degree of understanding and practice of Islam of the individual may not be considered at all in making such a decision.

when you say knowledgeable, do you mean as in education, or in the practice of Islam itself?

while in my own view, i wouldnt totally dismiss family input as regards spouse [especially in nigeria], sometimes the family view does matter when a person is trying to decide who to marry.

it all depends on the individual environment perhaps, not sure there's necessarily a hard and fast rule.

especially these days when a significant number of nigerians are in diaspora and not really so much into their backgrounds anymore.

^ I mean knowledgeable in the practise of Islam. I also agree family is important, you might have noticed that I mentioned that a person doing the match-making may also be a relation.

I am not trying to dismiss the importance of family in the selection of a spouse at all. It is important.

well, i do see where you're coming from.

lets say a guy personally wants a spouse who is very knowledgeable about Islam and meets his requirements as per practicing the religion [they both agree on this].

if his family is not as knowledgeable in Islamic matters and are perhaps laidback somewhat, would this lead to some conflict between his intended spouse and his relatives?

just curious, and how would he intend to address such matters? Prior to the actual wedding- after the wedding of course the fiancee isnt so much with the family per se.

i'm asking because i'm particularly thinking about this part:

Relying on parents/family elders for a choice of spouse might translate into selecting a not-so-good spouse in terms of Islam because factors such as social status, wealth, beauty and even "modernity" may be favoured whilst the degree of understanding and practice of Islam of the individual may not be considered at all in making such a decision.

all the other things you mentioned, is it necessarily a bad thing if the family [or guy] factors them into the choice of spouse, ie it possible to want to eat your cake and have it.

like look for or have a partner who is all of the above AND as religious as you want her to be.

note: all my questions are theoretical, @ whoever is reading.

^very incisive questions.

Question 1: You are right, there might be a conflict between the fiancee and such a family. However, such problems can easily be put under control. Islam emphasizes good character. Hence, a religious lady who truly understands Islam would know that the man's family are important and they deserve respect. Her behaviour and interaction with them should reflect this irrespective of their level of devotion to Islam.

Secondly, as in all marriages, the man has a key role to play. He should shield his fiancee/wife from overly aggressive family members and also be firm with her if she errs in relation to them. It can be tricky sometimes but this where his strength of character would be tested.

Question 2: If she or he (regarding ladies) as all of those attributes with faith, fantastic! Who no like beta tin?

It is a plus that anyone should be delighted to have.

that would be the ideal, no doubt.

but for some reason [maybe because there's always a curveball], a lady with all those attributes together would now be considered "intimidating" by an average suitor.


i guess perfection might be unrealistic?

^very incisive questions.

verbiose too.


why so few comments on the thread anyway, i was expecting to see a lot of posts here.

^I have a theory on that but I won't share though.

Conspiracy theories!

Front page thins joooo gud morning 2 all nairalanded .

May ALLAH increase us in knowlegde

dridowu: May ALLAH increase us in knowlegde

Ameen

Looking critically at the bolded, one will notice that the writer places emphasis on family elders' wisdom and guidance in making a success of the entire courtship process.

This is not very realistic in a society like Nigeria where quite often, children/young people are often more knowledgeable about Islam than their parents. Relying on parents/family elders for a choice of spouse might translate into selecting a not-so-good spouse in terms of Islam because factors such as social status, wealth, beauty and even "modernity" may be favoured whilst the degree of understanding and practice of Islam of the individual may not be considered at all in making such a decision.

one thing to note is that Islam is a perfect religion. so if it gives suggestions, then its for our own good. Parents know their children better than anybody else. so they can tell who the right person for their child can be. in terms of practicing islam, its only the person's close freinds can answer that. so by involving the parents, they can know which of the freinds/colleagues to ask and they can easily detect whether the friend is telling the truth or not because they have more experience about life than us. so i strongly agree that parents' involvement is very essential. i hope my point is clear enough. may Allah grant us guidance.

note: there's always a way out through patience and salaat. Allah the exhalted says " O you who believe! seek help through patience and salaat. indeed Allah is (always) with those that are patient." surah Al-Baqara C2:V153.

Very insightful and interesting. I actually agree with some of it e.g the seriousness of the matter and the young people not being alone together(occassion of sin) very very true....it could lead to sinful acts.

However one question that comes to mind is would this same process happen when the man is going for the 2nd, 3rd and peharps the 4th round? In my thinking a poliferation reduces the seriousness that is preached in the first place.

nice piece. i am not a muslim but i read this cos i might end up with one ...
i hav some muslim friends but hardly ever seen any of them or someone frm their family go through such nice process especially yoruba muslims.

ok

Aamiin. Welldone for the effort. May Allaah reward your effort ad forgive any shortcoming therefrom.

I really think the question to ask is 'how many of the muslim youths are well exposed to Islamic teachings on Courtship/marriage ?'

May Allah guide and see us through in all our life dealings.

pmc01: Aamiin. Welldone for the effort. May Allaah reward your effort ad forgive any shortcoming therefrom.

AMIN

Nyc piece. Jazakallahu khairan

maclatunji: ^It is just a style of writing...I am trying to appeal to both genders whom are my readers. The gender in the specific questions could easily be reversed. That is just me being friendly to both men and women in my essay.

As for the desperate part. My belief is that many people might want to shy away from such fora because they might see it as an admittance of the fact that they cannot independently woo a woman if they are male or are not good enough to attract quality men if they are female. This is not true at all. For example, an attractive lady may not find many guys approaching her because most feel intimidated by her success generally in life. That is why I made that comment to dispel such a notion.

You have a point. Someone like me wouldn't be caught dead in a matchmaking event because of the reasons you mentioned. However there is nothing wrong in attending a singles programme (in Christianity).

I agree with some parts of the article: two young people should never be alone together because that is when the devil might start cooking things in the laboratory of your heart, but how many people will agree? I as a person don't believe in all these dating nonsense because it is an invitation to sin. It is the world and it's wicked ways that have made people believe that it is alright to date.

As for the family involvement part...well, I don't know... Really, must my parents matchmake me? Knowing my mum, she'd prolly choose the old skool kind of man for her daughters because she believes most 'yuppy' men of nowadays are a dangerous bunch. Let the family do the investigations while the young fella brings the candidate.

I have question: what happens if the muslim man sees a sister on the road and develops a liking for her? Let's say he is a store owner and the lady in xtion passes by everyday? Is it allowed fot the man to go and 'toast' her.

All in all, I think there are no differences between rules guiding muslim and christian courtship.

Jummat mubarak