What would you do if you discovered that your husband went out to buy dinner for another women while you were out? What would you think if your husband worked a lot of late night overtime and then hid his paychecks from you? What would you think if your husband received text late at night and get up and leaves the room? What feel about your husband putting password on all of his electronic devises just to keep you from seeing things. What would you think if your husband didn't touch you sexually for more than 2 weeks. This is the hell I am living in! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE ME!

Are you a nigerian couple?

Your profile says you are based in the states

Do you have your in-laws around you and is your relationship with them cordial

Financially, what's the structure in the household like

Do you have kids

Talk to him.

Had same discussion with hubby yesterday why Nigerian couples find it difficult to trash things out amicably without one of them bailing out during discussion. Our friends are getting a divorce because of this , both of them are just too stubborn!

I want my husband to change. I want my wife to change. Bla bla bla. Who said you were flipping perfect?
I'm just ranting by the way.

Seeing as I don't know the whole story, I won't think anything. Your husband could be cheating. Your husband could be very careful about his privacy. Your husband could be really busy at work and to stressed to get busy at home. Your husband could have Attila the Hun as a boss. Your husband could be plain tired of you. Have you asked?

Have you talked to him? Have you tried to find out from him just how stressed he is or are you just assuming he's getting som'n som'n outside?

If you have, and he has no sensible explanation, the you'll get all the right explanations on nairaland.

You people are obviously not in talking terms.
There must be a history before all this started.
Wont blame anybody but look inward and check whether there is anything you did to push him away from you.
Try to initiate a talk (not nagging) and continue loving him.
If loving him wont bring him back, then nothing else would.
If you have kids, stay cos of the kids and do your thing.

An African American married to Nigerian dude, right?

First poster asked very vital questions.
Do u know if he has a family home or if his people r trying to tie him up with somebody?
Has he any kid in Nigeria, whether legit or not?
Pls don't overlook this. Its important.
Did u do the necessary background check before u said "I do"
Getting married to an African man especially Nigerian man in diaspora is not like how u guys will wake up one day and decide to marry, then tell families later.
Also have it at d back of ur mind that few Nigerian men married to u guys marry for love absolutely.
Majority r in it for what they will gain from u and in ur case I don't know. Its only u that can tell.
The cultural diff is so wide.

he might be cheatn on u. If he is divorce before its too late

biolabee: Are you a nigerian couple?

Your profile says you are based in the states

Do you have your in-laws around you and is your relationship with them cordial

Financially, what's the structure in the household like

Do you have kids

He is Nigerian, I have a good relationship with my in-laws but they do not live in the states. We are both employed and our finances are stable. We have 2 children

jidegirl12: Talk to him.

Had same discussion with hubby yesterday why Nigerian couples find it difficult to trash things out amicably without one of them bailing out during discussion. Our friends are getting a divorce because of this , both of them are just too stubborn!

I have tried talking to him and he feels justified in his actions. I feel like a marriage must be transparent if its going to work. We are no longer two people but one. Never let your good be evil spoken of.

LewsTherin: I want my husband to change. I want my wife to change. Bla bla bla. Who said you were flipping perfect?
I'm just ranting by the way.

Seeing as I don't know the whole story, I won't think anything. Your husband could be cheating. Your husband could be very careful about his privacy. Your husband could be really busy at work and to stressed to get busy at home. Your husband could have Attila the Hun as a boss. Your husband could be plain tired of you. Have you asked?

Have you talked to him? Have you tried to find out from him just how stressed he is or are you just assuming he's getting som'n som'n outside?

If you have, and he has no sensible explanation, the you'll get all the right explanations on nairaland.

It is true you don't know that whole story. I have asked him and he feels that nothing is wrong with a married man getting a call from a single lady to take her dinner. Is he her husband? Why does she even has his number and feel comfortable enough to call him, (A MARRIED MAN) to come to her rescue? Why not call her family members? Wrong is wrong and he would not appreciate me being called away by another man to meet his needs. I didn't assume, I asked and he admitted it!

yellowpawpaw: An African American married to Nigerian dude, right?

First poster asked very vital questions.
Do u know if he has a family home or if his people r trying to tie him up with somebody?
Has he any kid in Nigeria, whether legit or not?
Pls don't overlook this. Its important.
Did u do the necessary background check before u said "I do"
Getting married to an African man especially Nigerian man in diaspora is not like how u guys will wake up one day and decide to marry, then tell families later.
Also have it at d back of ur mind that few Nigerian men married to u guys marry for love absolutely.
Majority r in it for what they will gain from u and in ur case I don't know. Its only u that can tell.
The cultural diff is so wide.

Thank you for your reply. These things are always in the back of my mind. He came from a very good christian home that taught him morals and how to love but I am afraid that he only married me to get on his feet. Thanks to the USA immigration laws I still have time to pull the plug if I feel he only married me for a green card. His family is very supportive of our marriage and wants us to work things out, but he is not willing to set his pride aside and fight to save his marriage. As long as he continues to feel that his actions were justified things will never be able to be resolved.

clemcykul: he might be cheatn on u. If he is divorce before its too late

That is what I feel too, but he denies that! He said feeding her was just the Christian thing to do. Haaaaaaahhhaaa! Bull Shit!

jidegirl12: Talk to him.

Had same discussion with hubby yesterday why Nigerian couples find it difficult to trash things out amicably without one of them bailing out during discussion. Our friends are getting a divorce because of this , both of them are just too stubborn!

Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Anytime that I have attempted to discuss anything with him he shuts down and ignores me for a week or so as punishment. This behavior makes impossible to resolve conflicts if the one party wont talk.

jazzyme:

He is Nigerian, I have a good relationship with my in-laws but they do not live in the states. We are both employed and our finances are stable. We have 2 children

Wowee... The presence of kids complicates things
More baffling is the fact that he has not perfected his naturalisation and he seems to be pissing his wife off

hmm... what i think is first ensure you do not give yourself high bp on this matter

Speak with him as posters have suggested

Also is there any member of his family you are close to AND YOU TRUST CAN BE DISCREET

if there is, sound out the fellow and you may get feelers of what is going on...

biolabee:

Wowee... The presence of kids complicates things
More baffling is the fact that he has not perfected his naturalisation and he seems to be pissing his wife off

hmm... what i think is first ensure you do not give yourself high bp on this matter

Speak with him as posters have suggested

Also is there any member of his family you are close to AND YOU TRUST CAN BE DISCREET

if there is, sound out the fellow and you may get feelers of what is going on...

I have spoken with his family members that I am close to and they are all very ashamed of his behavior. The kids are a huge issue because the respect him and love him so much. On the other hand, I can't allow his selfish actions to bring our home down. I love him and would do anything for him, but it just never seems to be enough. Its not fair to keep my children on an emotional roller coaster.

jazzyme:

I have spoken with his family members that I am close to and they are all very ashamed of his behavior. The kids are a huge issue because the respect him and love him so much. On the other hand, I can't allow his selfish actions to bring our home down. I love him and would do anything for him, but it just never seems to be enough. Its not fair to keep my children on an emotional roller coaster.

Hmmm.... this is really tough

What did the family members say

is there anyone in the US that he respects like a mentor and you trust is DISCREET...

jazzyme:

I have spoken with his family members that I am close to and they are all very ashamed of his behavior. The kids are a huge issue because the respect him and love him so much. On the other hand, I can't allow his selfish actions to bring our home down. I love him and would do anything for him, but it just never seems to be enough. Its not fair to keep my children on an emotional roller coaster.

Take d bull by d horn dear, either he is in or out.
From ur posts, u r d one holding the family together and being taken for granted bc of that.
Don't say u will do anything for him. I hope u ve not been telling him so. That makes u very vulnerable and he is using that against u. (Afterall she lovs me so much and can do anything for me,bla bla bla)
Emotional blackmail I must say.
Take a grip of urself and be ready for anything.
This hurts, I know.
I do feel for u.
Remember one broken dream is not d end of dreaming.
Some pple sha.
Goodluck.

You should have responded ''how would you feel if I do the same thing to or with a guy?
Up front, tell him I don't like you taking another woman out to dinner. Are you having an affair? because I have noticed how you have been more private. If he says no but it was a business dinner let it be and just watch out.
Get a private investigator and work behind the scene

Have you watched lifetime movie "when husband cheats" after several tell tale signs such as coming home late, not making love with her like before, fancy earrings in the car, some unexplained expenses etc she drilled a hole in their hotel room and filmed them .

jazzyme:

It is true you don't know that whole story. I have asked him and he feels that nothing is wrong with a married man getting a call from a single lady to take her dinner. Is he her husband? Why does she even has his number and feel comfortable enough to call him, (A MARRIED MAN) to come to her rescue? Why not call her family members? Wrong is wrong and he would not appreciate me being called away by another man to meet his needs. I didn't assume, I asked and he admitted it!

Somebody need to advise on how to get the guy into a conversation, he clams up and wont talk for a week, she wrote. How then will issues be resolved if the two cannot sit down to iron out the grey stuffs?

she is in the US, she can get a PI since he refuses to talk.

igbonla: Somebody need to advise on how to get the guy into a conversation, he clams up and wont talk for a week, she wrote. How then will issues be resolved if the two cannot sit down to iron out the grey stuffs?

igbonla: Somebody need to advise on how to get the guy into a conversation, he clams up and wont talk for a week, she wrote. How then will issues be resolved if the two cannot sit down to iron out the grey stuffs?

Therapy maybe?

Let the shrink make the house call ( some marriage counsellors do) if he's reluctant to go cos he sure wont like the idea for sure.

OP if you want to make it work, you work for it... Don't get me wrong, I'm not any way in support his childish ways. But if that's what you want .. Oh well you gonna have to do the work by yourself.

Good luck because talk is cheap I get it.

@cc.. I agree and That'll take a lot of practice to deliver same composure without flaring up herself.

How do you get a stubborn horse to the river? That's a lot of work I tell ya.

Before you say ja the man is up and out the door.... It's draining I can imagine.

jidegirl12: @cc.. I agree and That'll take a lot of practice to deliver same composure without flaring up herself.

How do you get a stubborn horse to the river? That's a lot of work I tell ya.

Before you say ja the man is up and out the door.... It's draining I can imagine.

You hit it right on the head. It's draining and I am tired of trying to make a man love me. If he does not care that he might loose me why should I fight so hard.

yellowpawpaw: An African American married to Nigerian dude, right?

First poster asked very vital questions.
Do u know if he has a family home or if his people r trying to tie him up with somebody?
Has he any kid in Nigeria, whether legit or not?
Pls don't overlook this. Its important.
Did u do the necessary background check before u said "I do"
Getting married to an African man especially Nigerian man in diaspora is not like how u guys will wake up one day and decide to marry, then tell families later.
Also have it at d back of ur mind that few Nigerian men married to u guys marry for love absolutely.
Majority r in it for what they will gain from u and in ur case I don't know. Its only u that can tell.
The cultural diff is so wide.

@OP you will do well for yourself if you avoid this post like a plague.
A woman is looking for ways to build her marriage and you are equiping her with fire to burn it down.
I tust you are a middle aged woman yourslef and probably married. With this amount of venomous mindset how would you raise balanced kids?
Your post is enough to force the OP to give up on her marriage. You should be ashamed of yourself.

So much time trying to make a man love love you while you miss the part of loving yourself.

You have only one life to live. Try and make yourself happy, whatever it takes. He is either in or out. Let him know that.
You deserve better.

jazzyme:

You hit it right on the head. It's draining and I am tired of trying to make a man love me. If he does not care that he might loose me why should I fight so hard.

Yep you should fight so hard and keep fighting too because this is a marriage here. For petes sakes you do not even have concrete proof that he is cheating and you are already scheming about how to kick his ar*se to the curb huh ? Who got issues now ? I am not holding brief for him but surprisingly, the responses you are getting here hailing you and giving you the needed impetus to destroy your own marriage have been large one sided and devoid of any form of objectivity.
Most of the married women you will meet on this board go through worse things in their marriages but they are smart enough to always find away to make the marriage ship not to capsize or shipwreck.
The ball is in your court but if I will be objective, have you ever tried to borrow your husbands lense to try and imagine things from his own perspective and maybe that could help.
No marriage is without challenges. Even victoria beckham stuck with her cheating husband same with Clintons wife so what exactly are you on scheming how to divorce your innocent husband course to me he aint been proven guilty jsut yet.

G

yellowpawpaw:
Take d bull by d horn dear, either he is in or out.
From ur posts, u r d one holding the family together and being taken for granted bc of that.
Don't say u will do anything for him. I hope u ve not been telling him so. That makes u very vulnerable and he is using that against u. (Afterall she lovs me so much and can do anything for me,bla bla bla)
Emotional blackmail I must say.
Take a grip of urself and be ready for anything.
This hurts, I know.
I do feel for u.
Remember one broken dream is not d end of dreaming.
Some pple sha.
Goodluck.

God bless you for this post,its high time she starts dishing out,thank God she is employed.

Guitarlife: Yep you should fight so hard and keep fighting too because this is a marriage here. For petes sakes you do not even have concrete proof that he is cheating and you are already scheming about how to kick his ar*se to the curb huh ? Who got issues now ? I am not holding brief for him but surprisingly, the responses you are getting here hailing you and giving you the needed impetus to destroy your own marriage have been large one sided and devoid of any form of objectivity.
Most of the married women you will meet on this board go through worse things in their marriages but they are smart enough to always find away to make the marriage ship not to capsize or shipwreck.
The ball is in your court but if I will be objective, have you ever tried to borrow your husbands lense to try and imagine things from his own perspective and maybe that could help.
No marriage is without challenges. Even victoria beckham stuck with her cheating husband same with Clintons wife so what exactly are you on scheming how to divorce your innocent husband course to me he aint been proven guilty jsut yet.

So are you seriously condoning his behavior? Did he not know that he had a wife when he gave out his number? Did he not think of how I might feel about finding out that he took another women dinner. I ask you to look at it from my side. If your wife or girl friend was called out by let's say an ex boyfriend and asked to bring him dinner and she waited good until you left the house to sneak out to go see him and take care of his needs you would not be pissed come on man give me a break you would be pissed too! Marriages have rules that must be followed if you want things to work.

jazzyme:

So are you seriously condoning his behavior? Did he not know that he had a wife when he gave out his number? Did he not think of how I might feel about finding out that he took another women dinner. I ask you to look at it from my side. If your wife or girl friend was called out by let's say an ex boyfriend and asked to bring him dinner and she waited good until you left the house to sneak out to go see him and take care of his needs you would not be passed? Come man give me a break you would be passed too! Marriages have rules that must be followed if you want things to work.

I do not blame you at all for having such a parochial view about the whole issue. I blame the american system that has thrown the meaning of the word 'marriage' to the dogs. What I am trying to let you realise is that the dynamics of a dating or engaged scene is different from the marriage scene.
The fact that you do not have a concrete evidence to back up your claim of him cheating and then going ahead to plot how to divorce gives you away as someone who is ill prepared for marriage.
Like I said you are only a product of your system so I guess I wouldn't make much sense to you .
He may have made mistakes or still making mistakes but the point is , do you think the first measure to consider should be divorce ? Divorce should be your last resort because a hurried divorce process lives so much regret in its tail.
Your marriage is only facing a crisis which is a normal phase ask around.
If you chicken out at this point or eveb threaten your husband with that you will regret your action later on especially now that kids are involved.
Your problem is a piece of cake and you need to work on the communication breakdown between you and your husband first and you should be fine.
You work at a marriage so you should anticipate challenges and face them with a positive attitude.
I wish you goodluck in rekindling the lost love of your home.