Laughter, they say is the best
medicine. Let’s take a comic look at
our predicament in Nigeria
The good state of Bayelsa
proclaimed to the world on car
number plates that it is the ‘The
Glory of All Lands’ but has now
been renamed “Pride of the Nation.”
Thank God, their self-description is
not as obvious as ‘The Wealth of
the Nation.’
That would have been too obvious,
not so? But what exactly is the
pride of that place? Oil spills, foul-
smelling creeks, gas-flaring, and
irresponsible governors and local
chiefs? All these and the corruption
have given Bayelsa’s slogan a
hollow ring. It is an indictment on
Nigeria.
Plateau says it is ‘Home of Peace
and Tourism’. My wife was born,
bred and buttered in Jos, the
capital. Its cool climate and cultural
landmarks have always made it an
attraction for the rare tourists who
make it to Nigeria. But, ironically,
Plateau, has been plagued by
religious and ethnic violence
promoted and sustained by evil,
calculating politicians that have
killed hundreds. There is little about
the place that suggests peace let
alone tourism.
As for Kaduna, it used to be the
‘Liberal State’ for its cosmopolitan
and lively atmosphere. However, it
has suffered from debilitating bouts
of religious violence, including the
2002 Miss World riots that killed an
estimated 200 people. When
President Jonathan picked Kaduna
State Governor, Namadi Sambo, a
Moslem, as his Vice-president, thus
constitutionally paving the way for
his Deputy Governor, Patrick
Yakowa, a Christian, to become the
new governor, there was some
grumbling amongst the Moslems
but which was quickly sorted out.
The state, in recent times, has been
peaceful and now renamed “Center
of Education.” Ahem!
Some States have adopted
somewhat desperate slogans for
their number plates. Nassarawa is
‘Home of Solid Minerals’, but so
what? The minerals are mostly
mined by individuals who never
make any returns to the Federal
Government. Their resources are
almost irrelevant to the rest of the
country.
Benue is ‘Food Basket of the
Nation’ but seems more like
‘Basket-mouth of the Nation’ to
me. It is a worthwhile boast,
especially in a country like Nigeria
where a majority of the population
could feed better. It will be
interesting to know where all the
baskets of food disappear to.
A state like Yobe took a more
abstruse approach when it initially
declared, ‘The Young Shall Grow.’.
Now, it is “Pride of the Sahel.” What
on earth does that mean, really?
How long before they grow?
Kwara proclaims itself a ‘State of
Harmony.’ Considering the ethnic
diversity that exists in the place,
their claim is understandable. But is
it “harmony” when one group, family
dynasty or even ethnicity, dominates
over the other?
Abia is ‘God's Own State.’ It is a
poor imitation of the United States’
appellation of “God’s own country.”
Akwa Ibom is ‘Land of Promise’ but
how is this reflected?
And Cross River, ‘The People’s
Paradise’? Well, I certainly hope
their conception of “paradise” is not
limited to Obudu cattle ranch.
Borno State is the inappropriately
named ‘Home of Peace.’ The
activities of Boko Haram fanatics
have adequately rend the place into
pieces.
I love Delta and Edo States. They
are both ‘hearty’. Delta is the ‘The
Big Heart’ but for me, seems more
like the Big Art with all the best
akpavin and skillo located there.
This description is even more
interesting considering what ex-
Governor James Ibori did in that
place. He proved that treasury
looting and stealing is both an art
and a hit. The UK court hearing his
case must have been amazed while
watching the video of the opulent
palace he built in Nigeria. Edo is
‘Heart Beat of Nigeria’ but that
heart nearly stopped when Lucky
Igbinedion was governor.
Adamawa is ‘Land of Beauty’ and
as a beholder, I would have agreed
with this 100 per cent. However, like
many other states in Nigeria, they
are plagued by bad and clueless
leadership.
And ‘Coal City State’, Enugu? Yes,
the last time I heard about coal
coming from Enugu was when I was
in primary school in the 1960s.
Since then, all the coal has
disappeared into some people’s
land and pockets.
Jigawa is ‘The New World’, a lovely
State whose major contribution to
the Nigerian economy is in the
production of dates, yes, the fruit
called date. Yet, nobody, even the
inhabitants hardly exploit this
versatile fruit.
Kano, ‘Centre of Commerce’. Really?
Where are the famous groundnut
pyramids we used to see in the
60s? Kano residents no longer plant
groundnuts? They are perhaps more
interested in the commercial
pastime of increasing the
population that makes Kano State
about the most densely populated
in the country.
‘Fountain of Knowledge’ State, Ekiti,
never ceases to make me laugh.
With all their professors and
academics, they still have a high
rate of illiterates. You would think
they would lead the way in UTME
and SSCE results.
And talking of ‘Pacesetter State’, my
very own Oyo, living on and
regressing into past glory.
Pacesetter indeed! When was the
last time anything cutting-edge
came from Oyo state? The place has
been plagued by political chicanery
over the years, no thanks to
godfathers like Lamidi Adedibu. But
thank God, something is happening
there at last.
Anambra is the ‘Light of the
Nation.’ Home for All’. Last time I
spoke to an Anambran, he confided
in me that no non-indigene of
Anambra has ever been sold land in
Awka before. They simply don’t
welcome foreigners that well. The
state has produced many high-
ranking politicians and a centre of
major economic activities. This
would have been a fitting tribute
except, well, Nigeria is yet to see
the light.
Ebonyi is ‘Salt of the Nation’. I will
be honest, I don’t know much about
this obscure State. They hardly
make any noise worth noting. Is
their salt still tasty or this is mere
platitude? Salt of the nation? Right
here in Nigeria? You are kidding
me!
Katsina is the ‘Home of Hospitality’
but again, like Ebonyi, I wonder how
far that goes.
Rivers State is the ‘Treasure Base of
the Nation’. I suppose it explains
why their past governors looted the
state treasury as had never been
seen before even in Nigeria.
Zamfara is ‘Farming is our Pride’. I
hope so. I want to see the food
aplenty. Let the people farm. If not,
get the hell outta there, Mr.
Governor.
Taraba is ‘Nature’s Gift to the
Nation’. Together with Adamawa,
both make a very beautiful tourist
and natural paradise. It is a shame
to see how very little of nature is
exploited to the fullest here, thanks
to clueless political leaders.
‘Gateway State’ is Ogun State’s
contribution to meaningless
sloganeering. Geographically,
maybe it is a gateway to the
country truly, especially as it
contains the spill over of economic
activities that will not fit into Lagos
state but in the whole scheme of
things, they are not much.
Ondo is ‘Sunshine State’ as if the
sun only shines on them! Their
allusion to the sun is clear but how
far they will run with the energy of
the sun remains to be seen.
Osun State is now “Land of Virtue,”
a slogan that makes you wonder
what anyone was thinking when
they were naming the baby. It used
to be ‘State of the Living Spring’ is
a reference to the major river in the
State, River Osun. It is their cultural
icon but their faith in the
spirituality and the essence of the
river did little to help them in the
almost eight years when ‘Oyin ni o’
was busy playing golf in Ada, rather
than governing the State, while a
Senator with a murder accusation
hanging on his head waited to take
over the reins of leadership. Now
that they have a Muslim with the
image of a fundamentalist as
governor, and the senator’s
ambition (hopefully) thwarted,
maybe their spring will sprout some
freshness.
Sokoto is ‘Seat of the Caliphate’,
aptly named considering that is
where the Sultan is domiciled but
what does that translate into in
terms of development and religious
harmony?
Niger State is ‘The Power State’.
Why wouldn’t it be? What with two
former military dictators of
questionable characters coming
from there, and one of them
continues to imagine he holds the
reins of power!
Imo State is ‘Land of
Hope,’ (formerly or the ‘Eastern
Heartland’). Why didn’t they just
add ‘and Glory’ to complete the
imitation of US’ slogan? Actually, in
certain ways Imo people exude
hope. I can say that by looking at
Kanu Nwankwo, Chioma Ajunwa and
Emmanuel Amunike.
Gombe is ‘Jewel in the Savannah’.
Hmm! I don’t know what makes it a
jewel, but it sure is in the
savannah. Have they heard that
savannahs sustain wheat, and other
cereals?
Bauchi State is ‘Pearl of Tourism’.
Yes, with the game reserves, I
suppose they can lay claim to that.
And it was the home of our first
Prime Minister, a very humble man
called Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa.
In Hausa, Bauchi means ‘the land of
slaves’. Bauchi and Adamawa were
the two main sources of slaves for
the Fulani Empire of Sokoto.
Kebbi is the ‘Land of Equity’. For a
State that used to be part of the
Sokoto Caliphate and introduced
Sharia laws, I wonder where they
got equity from.
Kogi, another of my favourite State
is aptly nicknamed ‘The Confluence
State’, because the Rivers Niger and
Benue join there. I’d rather call it
‘The Confused State’ because of the
shenanigans of its former
Governors. The State has been
cursed with treasury looters since
the first day of its creation.
But by far the most famous and
celebrated number plate in Nigeria
is Lagos, ‘Centre of Excellence’. In
my opinion, Lagos is far from being
a centre of excellence; let’s not be
deluded. Governor Fashola might be
doing a good job but there remains
at least 97 per cent to be done to
truly make Lagos a centre of
excellence. That is a fact. It is still
a dilapidated, disorganised, lawless
city of violent crime, slums, traffic
jams, expensive living and pollution.
And lastly, but certainly not the
least, is the Federal Capital
Territory (FCT). It is called ‘Centre
of Unity,’ a good one since that is
what every patriotic Nigerian yearns
for .I, however, disagree with the
subtext that assumes being
encapsulated in one domain is
unity. Abuja is the seat of power
and political allocation. It
represents a sort of unity that is
enforced by those who want to
partake of common wealth. “Unity”
at the upper echelons does not
quite represent our diversity. That is
why I laugh when I think of Abuja as
the “Centre of Unity.” Ask me: How
many southerners have been
Ministers of the FCT since the city
was created?
The entire states’ and FCT’s
slogans are all very amusing, and
seems a deliberate effort by
Nigerians to delude their own selves
or just to feel good. I will not be
surprised if in the nearest future, we
hijack the phrase ‘God’s Own
Country’ from the Americans and
start using it to describe our
country. After all we like everything
American even if we don’t
necessarily like Americans.
God Bless Nigeria and Nigerians. I
just love my people. They can’t go
wrong, can they? Except in matters
of choosing their leaders, anyway. coiled from www.elombah.com

Salt of d nation! The salt isn't there any longer cos of bad & slowpoke leadership. Treasure base! No wonder a little crises & Dick,Tom went 4 brown envelop 4rm d troublesome Gov. Is there anything left in d treasury 4 d citizens of dat state? Young shall grow.Oho! 85's no wan retire! 9ice op.

d op has tried to create scene where there exist none, prob in a bid to congruent ur topic. While places like plateau, bornu, anambra, and some others av slogans dat rili fit dem.. U added some that aint in anyway a demusin slogan.. i.e. Kaduna, rivers, ekiti, ondo, osun e and few others. Nice work anyway.

Hmmmm. Nigeria our country...we need to pray fr her.