Always use the word ‘Africa’ or ‘Darkness’ or ‘Safari’
in your title. Subtitles may include the words
‘Zanzibar’, ‘Masai’, ‘Zulu’, ‘Zambezi’, ‘Congo’, ‘Nile’,
‘Big’, ‘Sky’, ‘Shadow’, ‘Drum’, ‘Sun’ or ‘Bygone’. Also
useful are words such as ‘Guerrillas’, ‘Timeless’,
‘Primordial’ and ‘Tribal’. Note that ‘People’ means
Africans who are not black, while ‘The People’ means
black Africans.
Never have a picture of a well-adjusted African on the
cover of your book, or in it, unless that African has
won the Nobel Prize. An AK-47, prominent ribs, naked
breasts: use these. If you must include an African,
make sure you get one in Masai or Zulu or Dogon
dress.
In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is
hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds
of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or
it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat
primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise
descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900
million people who are too busy starving and dying
and warring and emigrating to read your book. The
continent is full of deserts, jungles, highlands,
savannahs and many other things, but your reader
doesn’t care about all that, so keep your descriptions
romantic and evocative and unparticular.
Make sure you show how Africans have music and
rhythm deep in their souls, and eat things no other
humans eat. Do not mention rice and beef and
wheat; monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice,
along with goat, snake, worms and grubs and all
manner of game meat. Make sure you show that you
are able to eat such food without flinching, and
describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.
Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love
between Africans (unless a death is involved),
references to African writers or intellectuals, mention
of school-going children who are not suffering from
yaws or Ebola fever or female genital mutilation.
Throughout the book, adopt a sotto voice, in
conspiracy with the reader, and a sad I-expected-so-
much tone. Establish early on that your liberalism is
impeccable, and mention near the beginning how
much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the
place and can’t live without her. Africa is the only
continent you can love—take advantage of this. If you
are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin
forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who
wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the
sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or
dominated. Whichever angle you take, be sure to
leave the strong impression that without your
intervention and your important book, Africa is
doomed.
Your African characters may include naked warriors,
loyal servants, diviners and seers, ancient wise men
living in hermitic splendour. Or corrupt politicians,
inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes you
have slept with. The Loyal Servant always behaves
like a seven-year-old and needs a firm hand; he is
scared of snakes, good with children, and always
involving you in his complex domestic dramas. The
Ancient Wise Man always comes from a noble tribe
(not the money-grubbing tribes like the Gikuyu, the
Igbo or the Shona). He has rheumy eyes and is close
to the Earth. The Modern African is a fat man who
steals and works in the visa office, refusing to give
work permits to qualified Westerners who really care
about Africa. He is an enemy of development, always
using his government job to make it difficult for
pragmatic and good-hearted expats to set up NGOs
or Legal Conservation Areas. Or he is an Oxford-
educated intellectual turned serial-killing politician in
a Savile Row suit. He is a cannibal who likes Cristal
champagne, and his mother is a rich witch-doctor
who really runs the country.
Among your characters you must always include The
Starving African, who wanders the refugee camp
nearly naked, and waits for the benevolence of the
West. Her children have flies on their eyelids and pot
bellies, and her breasts are flat and empty. She must
look utterly helpless. She can have no past, no
history; such diversions ruin the dramatic moment.
Moans are good. She must never say anything about
herself in the dialogue except to speak of her
(unspeakable) suffering. Also be sure to include a
warm and motherly woman who has a rolling laugh
and who is concerned for your well-being. Just call
her Mama. Her children are all delinquent. These
characters should buzz around your main hero,
making him look good. Your hero can teach them,
bathe them, feed them; he carries lots of babies and
has seen Death. Your hero is you (if reportage), or a
beautiful, tragic international celebrity/aristocrat who
now cares for animals (if fiction).
Bad Western characters may include children of Tory
cabinet ministers, Afrikaners, employees of the World
Bank. When talking about exploitation by foreigners
mention the Chinese and Indian traders. Blame the
West for Africa's situation. But do not be too specific.
Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid
having the African characters laugh, or struggle to
educate their kids, or just make do in mundane
circumstances. Have them illuminate something
about Europe or America in Africa. African characters
should be colourful, exotic, larger than life—but
empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or
resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to
confuse the cause.
Describe, in detail, naked breasts (young, old,
conservative, recently raped, big, small) or mutilated
genitals, or enhanced genitals. Or any kind of
genitals. And dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead
bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies.
Remember, any work you submit in which people
look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the
‘real Africa’, and you want that on your dust jacket.
Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help
them to get aid from the West. The biggest taboo in
writing about Africa is to describe or show dead or
suffering white people.
Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well
rounded, complex characters. They speak (or grunt
while tossing their manes proudly) and have names,
ambitions and desires. They also have family values:
see how lions teach their children? Elephants are
caring, and are good feminists or dignified patriarchs.
So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative
about an elephant or a gorilla. Elephants may attack
people’s property, destroy their crops, and even kill
them. Always take the side of the elephant. Big cats
have public-school accents. Hyenas are fair game and
have vaguely Middle Eastern accents. Any short
Africans who live in the jungle or desert may be
portrayed with good humour (unless they are in
conflict with an elephant or chimpanzee or gorilla, in
which case they are pure evil).
After celebrity activists and aid workers,
conservationists are Africa’s most important people.
Do not offend them. You need them to invite you to
their 30,000-acre game ranch or ‘conservation area’,
and this is the only way you will get to interview the
celebrity activist. Often a book cover with a heroic-
looking conservationist on it works magic for sales.
Anybody white, tanned and wearing khaki who once
had a pet antelope or a farm is a conservationist, one
who is preserving Africa’s rich heritage. When
interviewing him or her, do not ask how much
funding they have; do not ask how much money they
make off their game. Never ask how much they pay
their employees.
Readers will be put off if you don’t mention the light
in Africa. And sunsets, the African sunset is a must. It
is always big and red. There is always a big sky. Wide
empty spaces and game are critical—Africa is the
Land of Wide Empty Spaces. When writing about the
plight of flora and fauna, make sure you mention that
Africa is overpopulated. When your main character is
in a desert or jungle living with indigenous peoples
(anybody short) it is okay to mention that Africa has
been severely depopulated by Aids and War (use
caps).
You’ll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where
mercenaries, evil nouveau riche Africans and
prostitutes and guerrillas and expats hang out.
Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying
something about rainbows or renaissances. Because
you care

[url][/url]www.granta.com/Archive/92/How-to-Write-about-Africa/Page-1

Am surprised and embarrassed by the height o stupidity, un intelligence and colossal naiveté displayed by whomever wrote this article. Mtcheew
Useless stereotyping and over generalisation of an archaic concept and lies

Its tongue in cheek humour.