Nice storyline, but, please decide if this story is a reported one or not, also you have to work on your tenses and capitalization, you knew that common nouns are supposed to start with capital letters don't you? I also notice that you do make use of some abbreviations, like, d, u, etc, that to me is not a feature if a good author. Finally, I'll implore you to work on your punctuations. Like others had said, I had not noticed any significant improvement in your write up, but I'll keep following for a while hoping to see changes. I hope I won't be dissapointed

merit love, i understand how it feels to put up a story on NL. Two things i want you to take note of is:

1. Try as much as possible to keep it simple and explicit, such that your readers can comprehend what you are trying to pass
Obviously, almost everybody has made almost the same comments which of cause are; wrong use of tenses, using abbreviated words, wrong use of punctuation. Am so sure, if you had passed this piece to your US(your readers) in an oral form, it would have been one of the best stories ever told and heard. I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU

2. Creativity is keyed in your writing!

you can follow my story at your own leisure


https://www.nairaland.com/1493353/b-chronicle-sex-addict-b (RATED 18+)

The storyline is nice..... infact I love it. There nothing wrong with the way she is writing, its called double narration technique/style, but there is sometimes the occassional spelling/tenses error, I think she has heard/read alot of that complain so no need for anyone to still rub it in further. Since she is still an amateur, I say this is very good. BTW op try not to make kasimi look too much of a cry baby and jeff too arrogant.

tnx @all
i concluded not to finish the story before now.after going through your comments over and over again .am doing this and taking all the correction need i promise i will not let you down.
kasimi is so inlove with gina.
jeff care more about kasimi ,i will not let gina hurt him

[quote
author=biancabling]The storyline is nice..... infact I love it. There
nothing wrong with the way she is writing, its called double narration
technique/style, but there is sometimes the occassional spelling/tenses
error, I think she has heard/read alot of that complain so no need for
anyone to still rub it in further. Since she is still an amateur, I say
this is very good. BTW op try not to make kasimi look too much of a cry
baby and jeff too arrogant.[/quote]

tnx @all
i concluded not to finish the story before now.after going through your comments over and over again .am doing this and taking all the correction need i promise i will not let you down.
kasimi is so inlove with gina.
jeff care more about kasimi ,i will not let gina hurt him


[quote
author=biancabling]The storyline is nice..... infact I love it. There
nothing wrong with the way she is writing, its called double narration
technique/style, but there is sometimes the occassional spelling/tenses
error, I think she has heard/read alot of that complain so no need for
anyone to still rub it in further. Since she is still an amateur, I say
this is very good. BTW op try not to make kasimi look too much of a cry
baby and jeff too arrogant.[/quote]

Hey dear dont be discouraged jst write n take to corrections here and there and possibly get Larry Sun to do a rough review for u and twill get beta n beta

thanks dearie and how are you doing today?i promise to finish the story
[quote
author=kingphilip]Hey dear dont be discouraged jst write n take to
corrections here and there and possibly get Larry Sun to do a rough
review for u and twill get beta n beta[/quote]

[quote
author=Larrylarex]Nice storyline, but, please decide if this story is a
reported one or not, also you have to work on your tenses and
capitalization, you knew that common nouns are supposed to start with
capital letters don't you? I also notice that you do make use of some
abbreviations, like, d, u, etc, that to me is not a feature if a good
author. Finally, I'll implore you to work on your punctuations. Like
others had said, I had not noticed any significant improvement in your
write up, but I'll keep following for a while hoping to see changes. I
hope I won't be dissapointed [/quote]

tnx noted,corrections taken
[quote
author=Larrylarex]Nice storyline, but, please decide if this story is a
reported one or not, also you have to work on your tenses and
capitalization, you knew that common nouns are supposed to start with
capital letters don't you? I also notice that you do make use of some
abbreviations, like, d, u, etc, that to me is not a feature if a good
author. Finally, I'll implore you to work on your punctuations. Like
others had said, I had not noticed any significant improvement in your
write up, but I'll keep following for a while hoping to see changes. I
hope I won't be dissapointed [/quote]

The typos are too much o

merit12:
tnx @all
i concluded not to finish the story before now.after going through your comments over and over again .am doing this and taking all the correction need i promise i will not let you down.
kasimi is so inlove with gina.
jeff care more about kasimi ,i will not let gina hurt him

i tot you actually wanted us to criticise you, why saying that you concluded not to finish the story. My dear, you have to be opened to criticism if you must improve in your write-up. updates plsssss

Jeff woke up earlier usual the next day,went to gym came back sweating after some hours,cleaned up sprayed some nice body spray and perfume,knocked on kasimi door the door was opened for him,he entered sat on his bed,every were in the room looking disorganised

"Kas what are you doing to your self"?you are not hurting your self you are hurting me as well,I can't stand to see you like this I love you like you are my brother,let this girl go ,what's so special about this girl anyway?"

Jeff picked up a pictures of gina on the floor,kasimi too it from him

"Don't touch that please they are my" covered his face with is shirt

"am going out for shopping ,I want to know if you need anything?clothes,gadgets,wrist watches,etc"he stood about to walk out the door

"no,,no,,hmm yes" he stood up from the bed
"I actually want to know how to attract this girl please"he got up from his bed followed him to parlour

Hissed "you are mad,we soon visit a doctor very soon to check if you have insane maybe after our final exams on a second thought I have got a plan how to attract her"they sat on the sofa

"Tell me please " kasimi getting impatient

"That will be when am back next week,I have functions with dad two days trip to china ,he has some container we want to check out"
jeff picked up his car keys ready to leave ,he stopped turned back

"I will not be coming back I will be going to morris after shopping then home before our trip take care any problem call mom "

"Ok jeff am sorry about last night I also want to thank you for being my brother "
he hugged him
"send my regards to dad ,do bring me some stuff from china"

he sat down on the sofa as the sound of jeff car faded into to air

This guy has been really nice to me,how do I pay him back for all the comfort him and his parents has given me in life,nothing he thought he remember paris last holiday they went together,he had fun ,he was treated as a family

Many wills has been written in his name jeff father has promised to send abroad to do some programs after is university program,some months ago he went with jeff mom to supervised the airport business in carlifonia because of them his family are living a good life,they own a new mansion also big business place in the village it sadden his heart knowing nothing he can do to pay them back he shook his head,directed to gina I will pay her some visit today even if it means for her slap me again ,am ok with it
It means a lot to me am enjoying it he thought to himself .

........................................................


"How's things going on with you gina " sam asked as they both sat down at the eatery
"Am fine sam"she picked up the menu on the table

"What's this lunch about?sam"
still going through the menu list

"I missed you and only wanted to treat you to launch dear" he called her waiter

"That's very thoughtful of you sam,you are always a gentleman "

"Bring me bottle of iris cream get for her a plate of noodle and chicken"

The waiter left

"Sam how did you know what I would have order for it anyway?" she smiles

"Well my dear I know every about you"he dropped the menu on the table. The waiter arrived with what they ordered for

"Sam you look troubled what is it" she started eating

"Nothing just that"his phone rang he picked it up

"Hello mum,How are you?I will have to call you back am busy" he end the call

"That was my mom I will call her back later"
Gina smiled

Oh how beautiful that smile is ,I wish to get such every morning of my life he thought sam recovered when gina waved her hand across his face

"I can't help when you smile you seem like an angel ,you have thought me to wear a smile everyday of me life"he manage to get his voice back

"What were you saying before your mom called? "

Nothing he look away sadly

Sam was hating himself and he knew it,he watched silently,after a while gina looked up at sam, after eating up

"There is this guy, giving me stress" she tried to remember his name "bug"I mean kasimi that's his name

"I have done all sort of things to him embarrassed him all way I can,he has refused to back out"

"What does he want?"he asked her
"He is in love me"
Do you love him back?
"Hell no, you know me better that he is a cheap low life guy and I don't want to be seen with him"

Sam was relieved by her comment
I think you should really give me a chance into your life "
"What?" She asked
"No I mean give someone a chance into your life the fact you were hurt by some guy some time ago do not mean you can't love again,there are many people that would love to have you as girlfriend gina that you might just hurt, we have know each for a while,move on with your life"

Few months ago gina cried back to sam about her broke up with some guy,sam has always be a shoulder to learn on for her but never thought about his feelings.

"Ok Sam tell me about your girlfriend how come I never met any of them?not even one are you a gay? Or something" she asked him

" no,am not "
The waiter came back with bill and cleared the table, sam he paid

"So tell me"she insisted


"Gina there is girl am in love with am afraid of telling her that, because I can't afford to loose her,I see her everyday if I tell her I may not get to see her again gina what should I do?"He drank from his drink

"Someone is in love here,have you told her? Yet

"Gina I can give her the whole world ,am ready to settle down and get married if she is ready"
"Sam I think you should tell her if you don't she will never know it"

"What should I tell her?"

"Tell her you are in love with her simple ,oh my gosh you don't know how to woo a woman as handsome as you are?sam"
"I do just she too special"

"I love you gina and I want you to be my soul mate"
"Sam? "
"No I meant the babe and what do you think she will say?"he ask back
"If it be me I will say yes" She smiles
"Thank you"
He hug her and kiss her on the cheek
Oh poor thing any lady will have you she thought"they left

Getting home sam brought out his dairy and wrote on it
Dear dairy gina liked to be asked this question "will you be my soul mate"probably I get a kiss for that someday,I hugged her and I never felt the same ,her skin is so soft and delicate.
He closed the dairy and put it back to his safe place and locked it ,feeling satisfied he lied down on his bed smiling before he slept off


...................................

Kasimi seems to be lost in thought as usual not aware when jeff enter the room

"Kas was up? don't tell me you are still thinking about that babe" he sat down on the sofa pulling off his shoes

"What can I say bro,I went by to see her as usual she turned me down again"he relaxed his left leg

"What's so special about that woman?I know it be stupid if I ask you to free her"He pulled his t shirt off

"I can't ,I swear,if I don't have her no one will" relaxed his second legs

I have a plan to help you get her ,I can make her like you in return "

"How ?tell me" before jeff could finish his sentence

"This is the plan,I will try every thing to take her out,make her fall for me if she does the deed is on,so pray she accept"

he pulled his jeans remaining his boxer

"I will try in every way to hurt her you being my brother you always be there console her then she gradually start leaning on you and having feeling for you"

"That's great, what if she don't fall for me then fell in love with you?then I will kill you"
he joked

"Just watch and see what happen since our final exams are around just focus on that why I focus on gina"




*******************************

"Hello"she picked as her phone rang,it has rang twice before gina picked
"Hello"the other end reply

"Hi am jeff please don't hang the phone on me just listen to what I have to say you."

Gina pressed the phone against her palm tightly and ran to wake up kay up that been sleeping

"Kay wake up wake up"she slapped her
Kay woke up"what's with all this madness"
"Shut up and listen ,kay guess who just called? ,it jeff and he is apologising to me,about the other night my dream man"
place the phone on loudspeaker to enable kay listen to their conversations


"Hello are you there?sorry about my behaviour the other night am not a woman beater can we see at least to enable me apologise properly to you?"The voice replied

"Hmmm it ok there is no need of seeing I have forgiven you already" she responded

"If you have then let's see "jeff told her

"Now?like seriously don't tell me you are outside my gate oh my God"she said surprised

"I'm at your gate just want to say sorry can you come down please"

"Ok I will be right there very soon" she hung up

Kay cleared her throat twice "this guy is into you,he came all the way just to say sorry?all this rich boys self are something else"she rolled her big eyes

"Yes oh"she changed into a short flowered gown and pair it with black flat looper Kay help put mild makeup on her face dress her hair
"You look good dear,go on break a leg"she hugged her

"Thanks kay,you one in millions,now wish me luck"she withdrawn her self from her.

Jeff was learned against his nissian pathfinder, facing gina gate on his left hand an expensive quartz wrist watch was on display. He wore a neatly tailored pants trousers
With long sieved rolled up to his elbow he looked handsome in his outfit,he spend the previous day shopping for clothes till he find it his right hand was holding a gift customized bag, he flash smiles as gina walked up to him

He was the first to speak"hi "
"Hi jeff"she replied him.
"You look beautiful gina"
"Thanks "she look away
"Am really sorry the way I treated you am not a woman beater,I swear,kasimi is my brother I should be able to defend him I could not stand it when you slapped him he is in my care"he said to her

"Am sorry too,I have told him to back out often,how is he?"She asked
"He has moved on he is great can we go out so as I can give you a treat?please don't say no please"
he handed the gift bag to her. she accepted the bag and invitation,he opened the door to car for her to enter she sat and look away jeff close the door walk to driver seat ,sat and rolled up the glass ,switch on the ac,the music of bruno mas "treasure "was being played as he drove off slowly

Kay that's been watching came out from were she has been hiding walked into the house.

"please sit allow let me open the door for you" as they arrived a popular food plaza often visited by the rich. He opened the car door for her she came out. they walked into the plaza order some food ,ate and chat up left the plaza,they drove round town window shopping they visited a popular mall he bought brand new galaxy s5 ,clothes,human hair,etc for gina after shopping they drove to a wine bar owned by his parent

He had made reservation the previous,they walked and sat at the reserved seat by the pool,the wind was singing romantic music it was perfect for two the waiter came
"Frank how are you?"Jeff asked the waiter
"Fine boss what should get for you sir?"
"Gina what should he get for you? "he asked her
"Soft drink will be perfect"she replied
"Frank get her good wine and get me my usual"
"Yes sire " the waiter walk away

"What's your usual?"gina asked
Just watch to see my usual dear"he winks
The waiter returned with a bottle of chardonnay,non acholic wine for gina with a wine glass.
"Nice usual,it seems you know more about wines"gina comment
"I usually come around my dads wine bar those day when I was growing up I have tested a lot of wine ,I prefer chardonnay any time"he opened the wines and pour out some for himself and gina.
They drank silently.

"I think I know why kasimi is very much in love with you babes " gina look away shyly
"your smile could met a soul beside that you have a charming personality,you are also attractive babe"

"Oh please stop it"she weaved her hand for him to stop

"Truth be told gina am in love with you since you can't accept my brother maybe give me chance to show you my love"

looking into her eyes

"Oh please jeff stop,how will kasimi take it?the poor thing have been in love with me since 100level till now,it going to hurt him"she looked surprised

They both drank their wine in silent
"Jeff I like you a lot don't know what people will say"she broke the silent

"Love me babes not people just give me a chance love you"
placed his hand on her hand on the table

"I will like to see you again,can we go on a date again?"


he looked up at her

"Today is tuesday,let's say friday evening"
she tried to remove release her hand from his

"Am I hurting your hand gina?"

She shook her head negatively
So? he asked her

"Let's say 6pm" she smile

"Were will you like to go? "
He asked her

"I prefer a simple beautiful park am not use to this luxury hope you understand?"

"Yes ma that will be GENSIS GARDEN. I love that place friday then"

He called the waiter and gave some money to him

"Md has order us not to collect money from you and kasimi"waiter reply

" don't embarrassed me,he brought out a 1000 notes he did not count,he gave the money to him
"Keep the change "he told frank
"Thank you boss"
They both left
getting to the car he opened the door for her he walked to driver seat ,then drove off

"Here we are my dear"he turned off the engine of the car which he parked at the gina gate
"Friday 6pm,should I come pick you?"He asked her
"No I will be there ,don't bother picking me up thanks for the treat"
she smiled opened the door of his car about to get down
"Wait please I forgot to give you something,he brought out a big ross flower ,this is for you dear"she received it and smiles,came down walked down the gate

Kay helped carried some shopping bags,they were out of jeff sight in a short time

"Fool,bitch "
he cursed them "am going to make you hate me ,you left someone that truly love you fore devil like me when am done with you understand what cheap and low class bitch means you are not my class you can't hurt my brother and get away with it idiot ,first am going to make sure you regret friday,I pray it rains to make your evening worst ,am not showing up.

He drove off

Nice update

thanks

IAm_Xcessiz: Nice update

U r rili trying

nw ds s more like it!

okay.....u r really trying.
I've not written a story before so I am saying "good job"
And I want to also add that you should not be anxious when typing, so that you won't omit words, suffixes or even use two words meaning the same thing,that's to avoid tautology. plus you should activate word prediction, it saves time and the stress of correcting ur post every time is reduce......

I don't understand. are you narrating your own story or someone else's story? I don't want to discourage you cos I know I can't even write.anything worth doing is worth doing well. You need to work on your typographical errors and tenses. I believe you can do it.