Nawa 4 some women here, instead of alleviating this problem, they are fanning it
@poster, He married you for a reason, 2015 is not too far, if he wanted to marry the other lady, he would have waited.

Your husband is still very childish. Here comes the time you rise above this childishness.
Don't give him ultimatum, we men hate it.
Find a way of telling/communicating with him on how it feels , and in a way that doesn't sound like nagging

It might just be innocent gists

My ex-gf used to call me all those romantic names when she was engaged, and i told her she had to stop and she wouldn't
now she is married, when we talk, we gist for a long time but i try not to gist odd hours when she should be having nice family time

Has the calls reduced? yes , will it stop ? am not sure, but as time goes, it could reduce to one in 6 months , Will I sleep with her? NOOO

It is better he makes those call in front of you, than behind you.
Your husband needs to grow up big time
and as for you, nobody said marriage was easy, your journey begins here

Seems the guy is rich or the only son...Jumping into the marriage knowing fully well what is going on ,girl seek to nullified the marriage now ...emotionally you're being abuse...verbal abuse coming up....then he will go physical. I believe he likes you but that ain't enough at all.. The reason for not marrying the girl is so flimsy that it looks as if somebody in the background is pressuring him to get married before this year runs out. You're the only one losing here....he have you and also his heartthrob. You're at home representing.....while he go about frolicking with his heartthrob.. Better set a plan B in motion and implement it fast . Talk with him, seek counselors opinion together and pray....but don't tell me if there is no change after all these you will remain there answering Mrs albeit heartbroken.

stop the woman and the woman will stop your husband and your husband will stop at you.i dont know if u understood my point.

Thanks for all your advice. I didn't marry outta desperation & he is not a rich guy or the only son. I just can't imagine myself calling her to warn her. No class in it. My hubby is my challenge,he doesn't mind keeping malice with me. At this point it''s just prayer that is my weapon.

Abeg....Please you guys should just stop this cook , dress sexy for him stuff. It is irritating.

OP......


Just stay focused. Now is the time to be a strong woman. Stop crying and being a sissy. Sit him down but don't come along as confrontational. Look for a time when you guys are comfortable.

Tell him you understand whats going on and can feel his pain as it is not easy to get over someone he loved but also tell him he is a man and shouldn't be emotional about the past. Make him realise you both are in a marriage and should make it work and you are willing to help him get over her. Please your manner of presentation would determine the outcome. Do come out as confrontational. ACT like a mother trying tp solve he kids problem.


With this you have hijacked the situation and is in conrtrol. Get yourself busy and don't bug him. Now is not the time to start questioning his whereabouts every second.

He married u for the wrong reasons. Hun, it was clear that your marriage wasn't going to be harmonious right before u even got married. This man probably married you because he was being pressured or he felt he was getting too old.
As for other girl, she made the choice not to marry him when she had the chance to, don't understand know why she can't respect her ex's marriage and just eff off though.
You can try counselling (marriage counsellor or family elders) see if it will change.

Most people especially men don't know what they have until they loose it. There are things a man takes for granted from his wife that a gf can never provide apart from inter course. Great company, prayer warrior and/or partner, massaging your ego, checking up on and picking up after one the list goes on. You have to make him realise he has his own duties too. If he doesn't change, withdraw those benefits let him wake up. If you continue giving excuses for him, he will never change. And it will definitely get worse. He loves both of you but there's a reason he chose you instead of waiting 2 years. Make him realise that. And get him involved in domestic chores even if it's sitting in the kitchen and chatting with you whilst you do your stuff. You have to lay the ground rules now. And if you're not working, , please get a job no matter how lowly paid it is. It makes you less dependent even if it's a fraction, and of course, enhances your dignity. Good luck and God's grace

@op, you made a mistake along the line. You ought to have asked for a redefinition before marriage. You see, I'm close to getting married and I had the same problem that it was difficult to let go. I believe confrontations would work at this point. Betterstill, you two should go see a marriage counsellor, that should work as well. And as a man, I can tell you that the best way to show your grieviances is after you excite him in bed; that should get to him if he respects you at all. People don't change in marriage, they only enhance what they were before marriage. Just try to avoid picking fights with him in order no to chase him to the myster lady. You deserve to be happy as a lady. In my case, nobody asked me to stop, I was matured enough to think it has got to stop. Good luck!

You spent your courtship (can I even call it dat) period letting your now husband know you are a doormat, that you do not respect yourself, hence, you dont mind not receiving same from him, now you're coming here to whine? Hope you havnt spoilt my day for me. And this is to all mothers in the house- keep pushing your daughters into wrong hands. Keep pushing them. Thank you.

mimi237: He told me because he loves me that is why he married me,his words & actions are different. In the chat the girl told him to stop! Does he want me to start calling her or send her text?

Sorry but you never took precaution from Day 1, u did not properly define your personal values so he's helping you with the defination

mimi237: Thanks for the advice, I cook, I clean the house which he likes so much. Even while he is away, I send him Sms or try to chat him up he would never reply. Even when I know he does to his 'Ex'. While driving if he sees a lady he would look & say fine girl. I don't have a problem with that but he doesn't tell me I am beautiful,we have been thru this issue severally, I tell him how handsome he is & be romantic. I pray for him, he calls me his spiritual strength, sometimes I just wonder if it was love.

You see all i can advise at this junction is stick yourself down, have a rethink about your life, what you intend to achieve in life.. The truth is it's too late to cry when the head is off, pursue your ambitions and try your ultimate best to be the best wife you can be don't change your attitude.
Lastly, since you pray for him keep praying but don't expect an overnight transformation.

I always tell my younger sister this - there are two things worse than a bad deed itself. 1) the fact that the perpetrator isnt trying to hide or cover it up. 2) the fact that he isnt even apologetic about it.
Op, you got all these going with your hussy, dont you? All i can tell you is this, stop apologising to him when you did no wrong; continuing to shower him with more love and 'niceness' will make him squash you on the ground the more; pray; and while at it, put on your emotional abuse jacket and be strong, cos you've already jumped the broom and have no other choice than to try and better the situation. But i just want to ask you why on earth you would go on to marry such a man? Do you know how many wives are crying out today and wishing their husbands had started 'manifesting' before marriage? Yet, lucky you didnt bail when yours laid out all his cards for you to see before marriage. Wow! Just sad and pissed on your behalf.

...

Wow poster sometimes the truth sounds harsh but it is what it is. You knowingly married a man who is or thinks he is in love with his ex either way you knowingly accepted the terms of the contract. The only thing i see that you can do IF you want to stay in this marriage and have ultimate peace is; Accept what you have been accepting until the affair dies out because it will. You just try your best to enjoy your life because you have no control over him whatsoever and he will do exactly as he pleases.

And tell yourself the truth because it shall set you FREE why really, i mean really did you marry him and ignore THIS obvious behaviour?

My guesses are plenty but i think money was involved, you were desperate i know women don't give poor men this chances unless they are really desperate. I am an advocate of people knowing themselves and what they want mommy advised you to stay you really can't blame her she advised you based on her own conditioning she does not live in your heart. You only know what is best for you and your heart already told you the truth which is why you needed to be convinced into marrying him.

I will not condemn this man because he showed you exactly who he is and how he acts. YOU chose him like that if he tricked you now thats a different ball game altogether but he didn't even bother to do that.
In my opinion he does not love you or the girl. If he loved the girl he would have waited for her 2yrs waiting won't kill him unless he didn't trust her waiting. looks to me like he married his back up plan. This man loves only himself and thinks he can eat his cake and have it and thats life we always try to get away with the impossible if we can and if he is a muslim well he might just eat his cake and have it.

Mrs Awesome: Seems the guy is rich or the only son...Jumping into the marriage knowing fully well what is going on ,girl seek to nullified the marriage now ...emotionally you're being abuse...verbal abuse coming up....then he will go physical. I believe he likes you but that ain't enough at all.. The reason for not marrying the girl is so flimsy that it looks as if somebody in the background is pressuring him to get married before this year runs out. You're the only one losing here....he have you and also his heartthrob. You're at home representing.....while he go about frolicking with his heartthrob.. Better set a plan B in motion and implement it fast . Talk with him, seek counselors opinion together and pray....but don't tell me if there is no change after all these you will remain there answering Mrs albeit heartbroken.

I would have saved myself typing and just quoted you. Brava!

@Nairanator. One would have to decode your post before advising you. Make it simple?

@Nairanator

Are you asking us what to do about your wife?

She's not my wife nor gf rather she has a bf and I'm the other guy

Just a lady I sort of have a very close emotional attachment to...she has a bf but she's incredibly too close to me. I'm wondering what's her game?

I hope its clear enough now at all...

Nairanator: She's not my wife nor gf rather she has a bf and I'm the other guy

Just a lady I sort of have a very close emotional attachment to...she has a bf but she's incredibly too close to me. I'm wondering what's her game?

I hope its clear enough now at all...

How do you feel about her? do you want her for yourself? Ask her if she will leave her bf for you since she is forming she loves you. Life isn't this complicated. Don't let any woman play with your head and what this statement " she's incredibly too close to me" are you an unmovable statue that she glued herself to? how about a taking responsibility for your own behaviour in this triangle. Why are you wondering what her game is? What EXACTLY is your own game in all of this.

Nairanator: She's not my wife nor gf rather she has a bf and I'm the other guy

Just a lady I sort of have a very close emotional attachment to...she has a bf but she's incredibly too close to me. I'm wondering what's her game?

I hope its clear enough now at all...

Ok, you need an interpreter, I will oblige.

I know she is not your wife yet but she is a lady whom when you marry will make your married life very interesting for you, meaning you will be happy with her.

Good luck!

andromida:

How do you feel about her? do you want her for yourself? Ask her if she will leave her bf for you since she is forming she loves you. Life isn't this complicated. Don't let any woman play with your head and what this statement " she's incredibly too close to me" are you an unmovable statue that she glued herself to? how about a taking responsibility for your own behaviour in this triangle. Why are you wondering what her game is? What EXACTLY is your own game in all of this.

I do like her and all. My stance at the moment is if she feels the same, then she has to let me know. I haven't really got a game in this...infact I have ceased communication for a while. Passed through some shiz past 2 years and so not looking for a gf right now not like I haven't got options.

Her closeness to me is that she often complains when I cease communication for a while.

Obiagu1:

Ok, you need an interpreter, I will oblige.

I know she is not your wife yet but she is a lady whom when you marry will make your married life very interesting for you, meaning you will be happy with her.

Good luck!

Lol. Ok

Thanks

Nairanator:
I do like her and all. My stance at the moment is if she feels the same, then she has to let me know. I haven't really got a game in this...infact I have ceased communication for a while. Passed through some shiz past 2 years and so not looking for a gf right now not like I haven't got options.

Her closeness to me is that she often complains when I cease communication for a while.

You contradict yourself. You like her and all and she has to let you know if she wants to be with you right? then you cease communication for a while? yet you got no game in this. Then you say you don't want a gf right now. Man you need to be clear what you want from her so you can go for it or walk away. You are trying to play safe and you are coming across as indecisive. My advise? take a break don't date her or anyone find yourself so you will know what you want and confidently go for it.

Nairanator:
I do like her and all. My stance at the moment is if she feels the same, then she has to let me know. I haven't really got a game in this...infact I have ceased communication for a while. Passed through some shiz past 2 years and so not looking for a gf right now not like I haven't got options.

Her closeness to me is that she often complains when I cease communication for a while.

To make it easier for yourself, when you are with her, jokingly tell her you would have married her if she has no boyfriend.
If she wants to wave it off as a jock or wants to know if you are serious, then be more assertive and tell you are not jocking, that you are damn serious.
From that day, her attitude would change completely and she'd start looking for a way to dump the guy.
That will be the first time she'd start calling you 'hun'.

Everyone is just saying you saw this coming you saw the signs bla bla bla as if they would have acted differently if it were them.

Best thing is to go for professional counselling.
Because family intervention may seem not too nice at this early stage of marriage. Somebody said:

"The first few years in marriage is when you lay your marital foundation and it has to be painstakingly built so that the union can emerge a Castle and not just a Chalet."

Maybe truly I am indecisive. I did ask her out before and she never gave the response I wanted. Do I have to again?

Ceased communication cos end of the day She's with someone else.

I'm not actively looking for a gf now but if one comes along, then fine.

Probably best I take a step back from all of this...

Thanks @ Obiagu & Andromida btw

The disrespect is too much Mimi, i was getting vexed while reading..U really brought dis upon urself tho..it wud really be hard to change a guy who is still in luv wit his ex.u saw all dis earlier..but u were probably in a state of denial..
well wit prayaz nd dedication..thing might turn around for gud..sincerelly based on what u wrote..ur hubby aint a good or nice person as e no care for how u feel..



by the way i dnt think u guys shud start having kids nau..since ur marriage is yet to gain a strong foundation..

alutacontinua:

Trust me, it's destabilizing!
I've been there before, the only difference is that she isn't an ex, they're 'just friends' but the kind of emotional attachment he had with her is beyond description! Another difference is that I ran for my sanity when he started talking marriage!
Yes, he'll not show remorse, he can't show remorse, he's in love with her, if he's pushed too much, he'll pick her over you! This is one situation where you cannot change him, you have to find a way to either live with it or leave the stage for them! Sometimes, you'll get to wonder why he came for you in the first instance, i've asked myself dt question a million times too but I still don't av an answer for it! If by any chance dey're seeing each other physically, trust me, u don't wanna imagine the kind of mind-blowing sex that they're having!

You wicked o! See as u just tell her the truth. That's in wide screen LED TV o. Anyways, the truth is he loves the wife as homebuilder but d ex as a sex-bomb. Solution: He should try and introduce d wife to the things that kills him in d ex. Na man I be and men go understand wetin I mean. Some girls dey sha

alutacontinua:

Trust me, it's destabilizing!
I've been there before, the only difference is that she isn't an ex, they're 'just friends' but the kind of emotional attachment he had with her is beyond description! Another difference is that I ran for my sanity when he started talking marriage!
Yes, he'll not show remorse, he can't show remorse, he's in love with her, if he's pushed too much, he'll pick her over you! This is one situation where you cannot change him, you have to find a way to either live with it or leave the stage for them! Sometimes, you'll get to wonder why he came for you in the first instance, i've asked myself dt question a million times too but I still don't av an answer for it! If by any chance dey're seeing each other physically, trust me, u don't wanna imagine the kind of mind-blowing sex that they're having!

I knooowww!
....add the fact that the two love birds are not married...thus eliminating the drudgery and over familiarity and spats that may come with marriage, and what you have is a loooong term love affair

And poster is here, cleaning and making clean, just like that, smh

In her shoes....(like, if I was sleeping and suddenly became awake to a marriage deal like this...cos it cannot happen to me in an aware state)
I would run now.......instead of being stuck as a maid watching my husband doing and living an endless love affair in my very before
I would soo run

Or discuss with him and make it an open marriage where I can look for my soulmate too, since he has found his
This actually may turn out to be nice, and beneficial to all parties

Anyways there is no reason to be with this guy, the truth as I see it
@poster.....do the needful, and it is not to pray about it, God forgive me
....

Babe,seriously there are two solutions possible..Firstly you may decide to ignore them because their passion will eventually fade or you can report that girl to her parents...she'll get the msg.goodluck

Olojukokoro: Babe,seriously there are two solutions possible..Firstly you may decide to ignore them because their passion will eventually fade or you can report that girl to her parents...she'll get the msg.goodluck

Like seriously, what?

Ignore them?....and have your newly wedded husband having a real, big, romantic affair of the heart and body with someone else
...what if their passion became stronger? Or quieted down to a true solid bonding....
She should report the belle of this party to her parents? How? For the folks to do what? Opposition may even make the bond tighter!

I am sorry, none of your two possible solutions would fly in the land of love and truth

Poster, lastly...please modify your title
You never had the entity called trust with your housemate/husband

I read this and see sheer nothingness between you too

Some people can ,live like this, after all they have a ring.....no wahala...if you can, go for it
Some people.....cannot. Simple

And let none tell me that this man can be prayed or bullied or harassed into love
It can happen, but only as a miracle and not a certainly.
Dude already has a love......
....now imagine if it was the real, till death part people love that he has with his ex?
A lifetime of waiting, praying, hoping, not trusting and more sadly, not living for the poster

A sad story sha

My dear, you should have taken care of this while you guys were dating but since you didn't, here's my advice. Steal that girl's phone number from your husband's phone and take her BB pin too. Call her and let her know who is calling, threaten, insult and bully her till she leaves your husband alone. In fact, know personal things about her and let her know your husband has been calling her a slut behind her back. Tell her your husband sent you to warn her for him. Send 2 or 3 rough looking boys to go warn her. Believe me it works.

You are fighting for your husband. Fight using everything in you if you want your husband.