Dear Nigerian Artiste,
It is Christmas season again, that blessed
season of giving, getting…and attending shows
and concerts. I don’t need to wish you a merry
one because I know that by now the state of
your bank accounts has told you all you need
to know about how merry or not it will be.
This seems to be a season of letters, yes I
know, and even more intriguing of leaked
ones. I assure you, this letter is different. If it
ever gets leaked, know I had no hand in it. It
could just be the handiwork of my detractors
and political foes.
You are probably wondering who I am and the
reason I have chosen to write you a letter
rather than tweet at you or send you an email
or a text. Wonder no further, you and I know
you will never reply me. I am not a celeb. I
digress.
So, how many concerts have you signed up for
this period? Your account manager at the bank
should by now be delirious and you already
checking out rides at Coscharis. Bulletproof
BMW 7 series maybe? That shouldn’t be an
issue now, aren’t you all Princesses and
Princes? No pun intended here.
I have a question by the way. How do you plan
to make these concerts rock? Like make them
totally unforgettable, make them headline
grabbing and stuff? Have you been rehearsing
with your band?
Say what? You don’t know what a band is?
So how do you plan to make it worth the while
of fans who pay huge amounts for tickets and
who take the risk of coming to crowded
venues and willingly inhale a toxic mixture of
second hand smoke, mouth and body odour?
And probably get fondled by jagudas all in the
name of jumping up and down to the sound
coming from the loudspeakers?
Oh? You plan to get a DJ to play your CDs while
you lip synch along? Come on! You have to
agree that is unfair, unethical, unprofessional,
mediocre, untenable, une….. ok let me stop.
It will do you a world of good if you read this
letter carefully and take some of the advice and
criticisms that will flow from it under
advisement.
Your fans are getting smarter and more
demanding by the day. A day will come when
they will rather listen to the radio or sit in
their cars or homes and just flip through CDs,
than come to your concert. At least it is you
performing (we hope), and of course cheaper,
more convenient and less stressful, than
struggling to get into VIP at Eko Hotel.
Laziness is the only reason I can think of that
will make you, a professional artiste (I
definitely can’t refer to you with the more
particular title of Musician, you cannot
convince me you are one yet) perform from
CDs at a show. Your counterparts abroad take
time out to have sessions with bands (whether
theirs or rented) in preparation for concerts
and tours. They don’t rely on DJs. At worst, DJs
are a backup. This actually applies to Hip-Hop
artistes too.
Instead of giving a show that will make you go
down in history and be hailed a legend like
TuBaba or be referred to as good concert
material like Asha, Omawunmi, and Waje, you
will rather stand inebriated in front of
hundreds (maybe thousands) of fans and have
the gumption to turn back at a likely equally
stoned DJ, screaming at him or her “DJ track
7…no! no! that is track 6, I want track 7”. Not
good at all. You should aim for better quality.
Imagine if in the middle of you rambling
through a track we all have concluded you
performed in the studio while recording, the
DJ mistakenly pulls a cable and the only
gadgets left working are the microphones and
we (including your dazed self) find out that
you weren’t uttering anything all evening?
That you have instead been busy just throwing
in the occasional “yaw! yaw! Put ye hends up!!
Lagos are you happy??!!!!” Dude come on! How
can Lagos be happy after you have been found
out to be scamming them? Lesser things have
led to concert riots in other places. This picture
I painted recently happened to one of Nigeria’s
top gospel artistes after collecting 500,000 naira
as performance fees from an hapless church.
Is what you collect really a performance fee or
merely an appearance fee. We need to be clear
on this point.
Let me park this letter here. I have had the
chance of seeing quite a number of Nigerian
concerts; either physically or on TV and I can
safely say one more time that artistes of now
are largely a lazy bunch. Your concerts merely
feed on adrenalin that makes it look like the
fans are getting value, not the quality and
sheer artistry of your live performances. You
all need to fix up.
I can count on my fingers the number of
artistes who can actually pull off a concert
with a live band. Many of you very likely don’t
know the lyrics of your own hits and you
many times in those concerts default to
pointing the mic at us poor fans so that we can
help you insert the forgotten words. Too poor!
Fix up else you will have to rely solely on the
number of CDs that Obaino and the rest of the
Alaba gang can make us buy to make ends
meet.
While I believe you will, after reading this
missive, make changes and ultimately get more
professional; accept the assurance of my
highest regards.
Yours respectfully,
Faturoti Kayode
Member, Concerned CD Buyer of Nigeria