Q: What do you call an elf who
sings?
A: a wrapper!

Q: Why is Christmas just like
your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat
guy with the suit gets all the
credit.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all
the naughty girls live.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any
kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

Q: Whats the difference between
the Christmas alphabet and the
ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has
Noel.

Q: What do you call people who
are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t
stand up?

A: It doesn’t have legs.
What do you call an obnoxious
reindeer?
RUDEolph.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper
depressed?
A: Because he had low elf
esteem.

What do you call a can wearing
a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)

Q: What's the difference
between snowmen and
snowladies?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What nationality is Santa
Claus?
A: North Polish.

What do you call a kid who
doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate
Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on
the roof.

Q: What do you call Santa's
helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses

The 4 stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa
Claus


3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

Remember, Christmas isn't
about how big the tree is, or
what's under it. It's about who's
around it

I never believed in Santa Claus
because I knew no white dude
would come into my
neighborhood after dark.

For Christmas I want Santa’s list
of naughty girls.

There is a special place in hell
for people that play Christmas
music before Thanksgiving.

Is anyone else waiting until
December 22nd to Christmas
shop? Just in case the Mayans
were right?

Last year, I asked Santa for the
sexiest person ever for
Christmas. I woke up in a box.

The awkward moment when
Santa Claus has the same
wrapping paper as your parents.

A song told me to Deck the
Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall
are not very happy.

Dear Santa, I was framed.

This holiday season, in lieu of
gifts, I've decided to give
everyone my opinion.

I try to be unusually kind and
compassionate to those around
me during the Holidays, because
I never know who will end up
being my Secret Santa.

keep it coming

wow this is funny

Santa went down the Chimney and
started putting presents under the
tree.
He went to leave and noticed the
most beautiful red headed women
laying there in her naughty nighties,
She said santa do you wanna stay
and play,
He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta
Go gotta deliver presents to the kids
Ho HO.
So he went to leave again and She
said once more,
"Santa dont you want to stay and
play" as she took off her nighties
and was layin there in a sexxy g-
string,
He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go
gotta deliver presents to the kids
dont you know ho ho,
So he went to leave one last time
and the women said again,
"Santa stay and play" and when he
turned around she was laying there
completely naked,
The most beautiful thing in the world
spread eagle,
He said hey hey hey gotta stay
gotta stay, cant go up the chimney
with my pecker this way!

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s
lap at the department store. Santa
says, "I’ll bet I know what you want
for Christmas." And with his index
finger he taps the boy on the nose
with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-
S."
The little boy answers, "No, I have
enough toys."
Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s
nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-
Y."
Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all
kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for
Christmas?" Santa asks.
Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the
nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell
me you don’t have any because I
can smell it on your finger!"

WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and
a note explaining that you think he could stand to
lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write
him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away
for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your
plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with
exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens
when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a
bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait
until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the
roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas,"
and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that
Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick
up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes
down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the
strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.
As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him
that he shouldn't have missed that last payment,
and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk
out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. "
Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and
a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note
that says, "For Santa."