[b]credits: neearo
The year 2014 will doubtless have interesting
moments but in terms of politicking, it will not
be much different from 2010 or 2006 or any
other pre-presidential election year.
Unless, President Goodluck Jonathan joins the
All Progressives Congress!
Yes, you read right. It is a political move that is
sure to benefit everyone.
The first imagined beneficiary is Jonathan
himself. Candidly, the bottom is dropping off his
political ambition. He is not popular in the
region monolithically termed “North” neither
does he have many friends in the South-West.
His South-South supporters have overplayed
their hands and when they resort to their worn
ethnic jingoism, everybody yawns. His South-
East allies might stay with him but in a game of
numbers, it might not go far. Informed
deductions point to a heated and desperate
2014 for Jonathan.
Worse, in the past few months, the crises in his
current party — the Peoples Democratic Party —
has spiralled to the point members are walking
out without the fear that the Economic and
Financial Crimes Commission will pursue them.
If they get away with it, so to speak, it means
more people might abandon the sinking PDP
ship and crossover to the APC. The deprecation
of the PDP – a party that publicly boasts it
would remain in power for the next 100 years –
is a bad omen for the President.
Jonathan is, however, not totally knocked out.
He has a few dynamics in his favour: Power of
incumbency; his Simple Simon mien that
enables him to look vulnerable (and pitiable)
when necessary; and, his quickness to kneel
down before every altar –spiritual and
temporal. The last dynamic is a card that never
fails to win over Nigerians. This year, every
Jonathan’s speech will be all about God. Just
watch out.
As the PDP’s fortunes decline, that of the APC
burgeons. Therefore, what option but for
Jonathan himself to preempt the PDP’s cross-
carpeting members by porting along with –or,
even ahead of — them to the APC? To do so, he
needs not give up the PDP entirely. He can
manage the two parties successfully and
nobody will notice any anomaly: one party is a
gang of those who are currently “chopping” and
the other is a mob who wants to replace them.
Same difference. Jonathan only has to ask the
Niger State Governor, Babangida Aliyu, for his
Polygamy of Politics blueprint and he will be
fine. That’s all.[/b]

[b] The next beneficiary is the APC. Of course,
there is no question the party will reject
Jonathan if he decides to camp with it. The
APC will accept anything. Joining the party is
as easy as buying a broom in Ariara Market,
Aba.
Right now, the APC still swears it’s different
when it is clear to the blind that it is
transfiguring into another PDP right before our
very eyes.
One of the APC’s honchos tries to explain their
un-principled recruitment of members as
pragmatism, saying they have to consult the
likes of Olusegun Obasanjo and Ibrahim
Babangida despite their record because the
APC cannot afford to be “too puritanical.” This
is a bit of a stretch considering nobody ever
thought of the APC as puritans, but I get his
point. He is saying to catch the Nigerian
monkeys, the APC will have to become one as
well. Hence, the APC has been behaving like a
monkey, jumping from the tree in Minna to the
one in Ota.
This should not be unexpected. We all know
that their party is “All Progressives” and their
definition of progressive has been stretched to
an elastic limit; it is snapping in their faces.
Jonathan can even propose a merger between
both parties. As we have seen, the biggest
problems the new merger will likely face are
those of names and logo, not necessarily a
synchronisation of ideas or programmes. Would
they become the Peoples Democratic Congress
or All Progressives Democrats? And how do you
fuse a broom with an umbrella to create a
coherent logo? Well, they will figure something
out; they always.
Another benefit of the APC taking Jonathan is
that it will save them a lot of hassles. Some
weeks back, it “advocated” for the legislature to
kick-start an impeachment process against
Jonathan. The very moment he becomes an
APC member, they will swallow their rants and
begin to campaign for him as a “progressive”.
And other PDP members too will join in droves
and before you know it, another monster is
born!
The only thing that worries me is that if
Jonathan joins the APC, there would be no
“opposition” left to pursue with clichéd press
releases. Alhaji Lai Mohammed will have to
take to farming.
One small problem that I see on the horizon is
that of ethnicity. Those who insist that power
must return to the North and, have joined the
APC for this purpose would need to be
placated. Once again, it is a problem that is
easily solved. Jonathan can toss some
peanuts in their direction (I hear peanuts is a
monkey delicacy).
Then, the biggest and best beneficiaries:
Nigerians!
Jonathan in the APC means there will be no
over-stealing in 2014 to fund elections in
2015. People will still embezzle here and there,
quite alright, but not too much since there will
be no serious contention at the presidential
level where Nigeria’s politics is fiercest.
Another plus to Nigerians is that there will be
no post-election violence. In fact, our going out
to vote will be to fulfil all righteousness. The
level of desperation will be significantly reduced
and we will all be one nation under the PDC/
APD (whichever)!
Most importantly, there will be no undue
expectations. We will all sit patiently till 2019
(or 2018).
So, what’s left other than do the “needful”, (ah,
that word has jumped out again this new year),
just so we know where we are heading on time?
So, President Jonathan, please do not waste
time. This 2014 is your year! Don’t be shy. Go
ahead and buy yourself a broom. Then, make
that call to You-Know-Who just like in 2011.
You know how it is done, you are no learner.
Everybody will win at the end of the day. You
are welcome. Happy New Year.
And to all my readers, I wish you an eventful
year.[/b]

Are you expecting me to read those craps