Welcome, Guest: Register On Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / NewStats: 3,194,203 members, 7,953,751 topics. Date: Friday, 20 September 2024 at 03:23 AM |
Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Boys Night Out Discussions (315476 Views)
I'm A Mother Of 2 Boys, And I Can't (and Won't) Support Feminism / Girls night out discussions / 11-yr-Old Girl Gets Pregnant For Five Boys (2) (3) (4)
(1) (2) (3) ... (46) (47) (48) (49) (50) (51) (52) ... (182) (Reply) (Go Down)
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by crackhaus: 3:38pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
TV01:Sex and food, two of the very limited things women can use to manipulate men... 2 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 3:52pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 4:33pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Just like you can press attraction buttons, you can press repulse buttons. Indecisiveness, inarticulacy, too much hesitancy, seeking re-assurance or validation from a woman are all no-no’s. As are anything other than very limited instances of humorous self-depracation. Don’t boast, but don’t talk yourself down. Don’t allow her to belittle or denigrate you – be emphatic in correcting this. Don’t cede power to her by default or too frequent fumbles. You can show a soft side, but do not mistake it for weakness – they love the on and hate the other. Please don’t confuse the two. Re-affirm you status without bragging. If you accomplish or achieve something new, don’t be afraid to say or show. Don’t engender a long-term loss in status by promising/proclaiming and then not delivering – especially on your personal progress. This can seriously undermine her respect for you A guy and girl are talking, it doesn’t flow. He; it wasn’t a great convo, She; he’s dry. End convos if you have nothing to say, don’t let feelings make you linger for no good reason. So, take a woman out and tell here where you are going. Simple. It may seem “equalist to take her to the strip or ask her to choose a restaurant or negotiate where you will go. But she’s likely thinking indecisive, he’s making me think too much instead of relax and enjoy etc. Not to say you can’t ask at times or give options (limit them to 2 sha!). Whatever thier ideological leanings - they typically respond to the same cues. Don’t forget, women are constantly revaluing, comparing and re-positioning. If your status should change, it will have an impact, if hers does likewise. It’s easy for men to get comfortable once they have sealed the deal. Women on the other hand are always perusing the terms and conditions. If she isn’t heavily socialised to value commitment, fidelity etc. negative changes can have serious consequences. Even if she is largely socialised or restrained – she will most likely not be content. You have heard the “you can change your mind even at the altar – just go with your heart” maxim proclaimed on this forum. Some women can do that at any point – married or not! TV 3 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 4:42pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
TV01: I agree. Women like men to take charge The secret is to suggest things that give a sense of inclusion yet your agenda is fulfilled ultimately The sense of involvement is key to women Even if the choice is between life and death, they dont want to feel they did not have an input in choosing life
This is so true Morals has helped to curb this innate instincy.. however
LOL Thats why some of them dont see anything with multiple suitors 2 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 5:04pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: It's first and foremost about him and what his lack of pro-activity is engendering in her (although I note she has some not very wifely/selfish behaviour according to him). The actions and more so the consequences depend heavily on how socialised they both are. As Explained earlier, how much religious, ideological or cultural imperatives shape their responses. That overlays the hypegamy she is clearly demonstrating. If for example divorce is out of the question for her due to socialisation, she will continue to “run him down”. The flip side is that he has more time to rectify things and she has more motivation to let him. If it’s not, she may well be making her move as we speak. It’s pertinent that she has 3 thriving businesses for which she does not render account – what is happening to the proceeds? If he becomes redundant as a provisioner it could trigger her move. With CWS no longer provided by him and SP no longer a big deal – in any event for SP to be in best effect, attraction needs to be working, and his loss of status, and more pertinently her consequent disrespect, means she won’t be feeling him. He doesn’t mention it, but I somehow doubt they are swinging from the chandelier with any kind of regularity. I won’t go back to pre-marriage or marriage, or even the seed money he provided - what is done is done and I’d advise with the understanding that the idea is first to stabilise things. TV |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 5:15pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
I dont totally agree with all your findings From his own words, he is self disparaging - Maybe a fucntion of the evil words the woman is saying However i feel it is a temperament - he seems to be a phlegmatic while she seems to have a choleric bent with a dash of nastiness and disrespect He seems not to be an aggressive fellow but is a good provider and has a measure of financial intelligence not just in the way she wants Going back to my earlier question What are the practical unworldly way to stabilise things TV01: |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 5:22pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:No qualms - that's just my reading of the situation. But let us know what other insights you have. pickabeau1:No. He's a man CAR - she didn't get there overnight. She stated with hope and expectation (even if he wasn't aware of this). He hasn't delivered. A womans frustrations will manifest one way or another. They are not cut out to happily to the lead in a relationship pickabeau1:Men control their emotiond's - or are not led by them - and don't fall back on disposition as an excuse. In any event giving leave to feelings or temperament will not resolve this situation will it? pickabeau1:He's not a good providor if you consider his starting point. He's a trrust fund baby and many of lesser or equivalrent beginnings will be doing more. As I stated earlier. Women are constantly revaluing your status. One of theose with lesser beginnings who is doing more is his wife! pickabeau1:Immediately following - 2 mins. TV 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by netotse(m): 5:24pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: This idea shouldn't even be on the table. From his story we can infer that he hasn't accepted responsibility for his life. It's wounded male pride that would look to this idea in this situation, how dare she? her place is to support me etc etc. Going down this route would be a shortcut to ending their marriage. First thing you do is look inwards, it's all too easy to demand respect as a man, what's not to easy is to live a life worthy of the respect you demand. He has to become less available and more self reliant in the short term. When he achieves a level of success/stability in his ventures then would be the time to begin to woo her again. I think someone mentioned it previously, marriage will not complete you, if you cant achieve a measure of success on your own, having a wife will not make it much easier IMO. A wife should complement you, not complete you. 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 5:36pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
I won’t go back to pre-marriage or marriage, or even the seed money he provided - what is done is done and I’ll advise with the understanding that the idea is first to stabilise things. He needs to start driving - CAR. But in no way should he try and do this by taking control or even trying to engage in the 3 businesses. He should look for other avenues first. The big and obvious one is to garnish some status for himself, be that in business or even a job. A job sounds like a long shot, so maybe leveraging his family – not necessarily asking for funds – but partnering, doing business with/alongside them. That should give him so comfort, as it’s clear that he’s probably not up to going it alone. Much in the same way that a job may be a stretch. It sounds like a clear case of 2nd/3rd generation profligacy. I’d happily get me some of that ! He should also be more proactive on the home front – taking an interest in everything from day to day domestics and most especially long-term projects. I think he already has a foot in here. The long-term projects and family vision is also a way for him to demand her attention/input and ask for accountability about the businesses and her income. One of these projects, or part of this vision will be his enterprise. First he is seeking support, not permission. Men should never seek validation from their wives, it works the other way round. One cannot be equalist here. After all, she has not taken responsibility for coming up with something for him, whilst she has established her own – which she has not invited him to be part of. Question what she though of him all along if she was happy to take his seed money, build a business, not repay, not involve and not account? (And although he cites her lack of support thus far as an inhibitor, I still feel it’s his own lack of oomph that has stopped things taking off – and the authority he has thereby ceded to her, and respect lost is fuelling her discontent ) He needs to think long-term - if he has the luxury - but implement gradual changes - mostly to himself. I speak about the vision and how it's never too late. Hopefully it isn't in this case and she will buy into it. But if she's made her plans and is just biding her time, it will be difficult to dissuade her - "When a womans fed up" This type may require prayer and fasting as well! TV 2 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by L2CD766: 6:20pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:hmmm..... I grew up in a single parent household, No dad, and yes i am highly relationship-dysfunctional. Any outline of methods to assuage this psycho-sociological complex? |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 6:21pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Good debate guys For me I still believe he is the one putting himself down TV Why do you think he should not demand accountability from the businesses And saying he should have a comparable platform to show his wife Is it a competition Netotse..I see you too |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 6:23pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
L2CD766: Welcome..are you male or ffemale Do you have an issue with trust? Do you believe in male headship |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by L2CD766: 6:26pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:i am a male. I have trust issues which I think follows my male self esteem........ I have never really experienced male headship 'cause I grew up with a mom and 6 elder sisters; Never attended church. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 6:34pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
L2CD766: OK..welcome once again Well for me practically..I would recommend modelling Uncles or father figures who you respect and show a life you will like to live Also stick around here and ask questions on any issue You need to know your capabilities, identify what you want in life and your woman, be futuristically inclined as per legacy Take time to know thyself "Self awareness is the key to self mastery' Recognise you have authority within you Be confident in yourself Google this.. 1.self mastery 2. Assertive communication Aspire to know more daily. Ask questions Here too Others can answer 1 Like |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 6:34pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
TV01 Bellong Crackhaus timbuktou Nonso23 A brother here needs help |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by TV01(m): 6:40pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: ...read again with emphasis on the bold. I didn't say he shouldn't, I said he shouldn't start with that - she will just see it as an ego driven "land grab", and likely respond with fire. If other things are being correctly ordered first, she will likely be more receptive. I also gave him a way to legitimately request an account of her business efforts. Hopefully he's being appreciative, commending and supportive here and not resentful? TV |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 6:47pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
TV01: Hmmm....I saw it For me I see a Lady with a mouth like this seeing it as a competition She has the funds... She will not let it go..she may even leave the household.. Better the battle now than a subtle war of attrition No problem |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by ihedinobi2: 7:09pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
goofyone:What traditional structures did marriage replace? How did societies work before marriage? |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 7:23pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
ihedinobi2:It was, basically, a booty grab. The strongest got all the pum he wanted by just going after. Violence over booty was the norm and in the interest of peace and longevity, civility was introduced, marriage was established as a means of possession(because the woman couldn't protect herself) and boundary-marking. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:03pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: I put it to you that until such a framework or due process was setvup , such warlike societies died out from too much infighting Do you agree |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:05pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
TV01, Pickabeau1: My thoughts on NiceGuy's situation in summary: 1. Daddy was always away, most likely doing business or managing estate. 2. Had an over-sheltered, smothered childhood. His instincts for adventure and space domination have been severely dulled. 3. Has a fanatsy outlook to life which reality doesn't match. 4. His wife is jealous of his lack of need to work for self-preservation. 5. Probably never loved him and only married him for money. 6. He needs to have an office outside the home where he does work. He doesn't have to break rocks to be considered hard-working. 7. Needs to do less at home, not nothing. Needs to leave wifey to perform her home duties. 8. Dude doesn't know what it means to be a man not to talk of being one. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:07pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:I agree, though, not all. Also, there'd have been minimal development, a thing the male mind cannot stand. All the originators of marriage had to do was observe their contemporaries having short life spans for silly reasons. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:08pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: This just skirts the issue There is a battle on the horizon He either faces it now or wait till she's so strong and leaves him |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by baby124: 8:08pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: What home duties belongs to the wife? A wife that runs 3 businesses while he sits at home waiting from a paycheck from daddy and mummy? Is it not their home? Nothing wrong with doing your home duties as a man as well as working. It helps bond with the kids better. There is also no hard and fast rules as to who is supposed to do what. Each couple works out what is best for them. 3 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:11pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: Yep..i agree There were of course other reasons Imperialist tribes who conquered them Drought Famine Disease Lol |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:19pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:Note, I said 'in summary'. He first has to realise what nature demands. Does he know, for example, that familiarity breeds contempt? His case is so extensive that he literally needs a counsellor to steer this ship aright He needs a year, at least to set things right. I seriously doubt he has the drive or strength to execute the plan required to preserve his home. My brother, that guy needs major work, I no go lie. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by netotse(m): 8:20pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: Was the money a gift or a loan? Did they discusskeeping records or splitting profits before the businesses were set up? I would say he lets her keep the businesses (let it serve as an incentive for him to up his game). Trying to assert control over them now will simply turn into a case of reaping (or trying to reap) where you did not sow. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:22pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:Of course, imagine a scenario where the neighbourhood doctor was a thin, powerless fellow who got killed over a virgin he intended to keep. It was in their interest to be civilised. |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:25pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: Lol..i agree..major work netotse: What if the biz fails Remember headship is not based on providence If she cannot submit to his authority even if she is the business brain...the relationship is a no brainer Not every business succeeds Not every one is cutout to be an entrepreneur This woman was given a launchpad to realise her dreams yet envy and strife is causing her to lose focus Even a bank will collect interest...mind you |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:27pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Timbuktou: True that |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by Nobody: 8:29pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
baby124: 1. Home keeping. This includes, but is not limited to chores and nurturing. 2. A dime of which never is invested in the home? What is the point of her work? Waiting to amass enough to leave so she can marry an even richer fellow? Don't be funny. A business he financed, by the way. Her money is of no value in that home, take note. 3. It is "his mom's home". She is free to opt out. 4. Duties of the man in the home are more of a physical nature. 5. We all know that and bond with our kids. However, that is not the only way to bond with kids, take note . 6. Erm, there are. The husband provides, the wife manages, basically. 7. I agree. Do your part and all should be well. Say no to androgyny. 3 Likes |
Re: Boys Night Out Discussions by pickabeau1: 8:35pm On Jan 16, 2015 |
Bro..no need arguing with someone who does not believe in male headship You should know the proponents of fluid family roles by now Timbuktou 2 Likes |
(1) (2) (3) ... (46) (47) (48) (49) (50) (51) (52) ... (182) (Reply)
My Madam And Me / Introverts Lounge (Extroverts Pls Keep Off !!) / The Family Section Fun Room!!
(Go Up)
Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 89 |