justi4jesu: Noted it will be used when needed.

Segirl18:

I really can see everything about u is damn fucking.... Fuckshit appreciating sth fuckingly, also having it in mind dat he needs to fuckingly apply it 4 a it 2 do a lot of fuckitivity to him.... Chaie!!! See Rhymes, Guess u r needed in d fucking industry.. Keep rapping bro.

Harmvirus: Nice piece

Kanwulia: Ready to get married is the easy part ke.
Ready to stay married?
A different ballgame all together.
Khaki nor be shaki o!

Norajones: Marriage is a different ball game,,D ellaborateness of ur wedding does not guarantee ur success in marriage..wen ppl say dey r preparing 4 marriage,actually wat dey r preparing 4 is wedding.

QUINEDO: I know in naira land,there must always be some one who will definitely find fault even when others are complementing the article, and those type of people are called FAULT FINDERS.and u typically belong to that group.

Revolva: when money dey nai marriage good oo cos when money finish woman go run leave you or change character oo guys wise up

slye:

Are you single and ready for practicals?

Nobleval: Wicked Op. So you want me to start reading your long epistles this morning? I've got to go to work.

Harmvirus:
Yes I'm single buh I'm not a science student

Finekunlex: Sayo
Aluko
PHILOSOPHERS' MAIL

http://sayoaluko..com/2014/07/v-behaviorurldefaultvmlo.html

“Everybody needs love; to get it may come easy, to fall
in it mostly comes easier, but to nurture and sustain it for the sake of
appreciable growth is hard work, though not rocket science”
…………………………………. Sayo Aluko

It used to be when you’d hit certain financial and social milestones;
when you had a home to your name, a set of qualifications on the
mantelpiece and a few cows and a parcel of land in your possession.

But when, under the influence of Romantic ideology, this grew to seem
altogether too mercenary and calculating, the focus shifted to emotions.
It came to be thought important to feel the right way. That was the
true sign of a good union. And the right feelings included the sense
that the other was ‘the one’, that you understood one another perfectly
and that you’d both never want to sleep with anyone else again.
These ideas, though touching, have proved to be an almost sure recipe
for the eventual dissolution of marriages – and have caused havoc in the
emotional lives of millions of otherwise sane and well-meaning couples.
As a corrective to them, what follows is a proposal for a very different
set of principles, more Classical in temper, which indicate when two
people should properly consider themselves ready for marriage.

We are ready for marriage…

1. When we give up on perfection
We should not only admit in a general way that the person we are
marrying is very far from perfect. We should also grasp the specifics of
their imperfections: how they will be irritating, difficult, sometimes
irrational, and often unable to sympathize or understand us. Vows should
be rewritten to include the terse line: ‘I agree to marry this person
even though they will, on a regular basis, drive me to distraction.’
However, these flaws should never be interpreted as merely capturing a
local problem. No one else would be better. We are as bad. We are a
flawed species. Whomever one got together with would be radically
imperfect in a host of deeply serious ways. One must conclusively kill
the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this
galaxy. There can only ever be a ‘good enough’ marriage.
For this realization to sink in, it helps to have had a number of
relationships before marrying, not in order to have the chance to locate
‘the right person’, but so that one can have ample opportunity to
discover at first hand, in many different contexts, the truth that
everyone (even the most initially exciting prospect) really is a bit
wrong close up.

2. When we despair of being understood
Love starts with the experience of being understood in a deeply
supportive and uncommon way. They understand the lonely parts of you;
you don’t have to explain why you find a particular joke so funny; you
hate the same people; they too want to try out a particular sexual
scenario.
This will not continue. Another vow should read: ‘However much the other
seems to understand me, there will always be large tracts of my psyche
that will remain incomprehensible to them, anyone else and even me.’
We shouldn’t, therefore, blame our lovers for a dereliction of duty in
failing to interpret and grasp our internal workings. They were not
tragically inept. They simply couldn’t understand who we were and what
we needed – which is wholly normal. No one properly understands, and can
therefore fully sympathize with, anyone else.

3. When we realize we are crazy
This is deeply counter-intuitive. We seem so normal and mostly so good.
It’s the others…
But maturity is founded on an active sense of one’s folly. One is out of
control for long periods, one has failed to master one’s past, one
projects unhelpfully, one is permanently anxious. One is, to put it
mildly, an idiot.
If we are not regularly and very deeply embarrassed about who we are, it
can only be because we have a dangerous capacity for selective memory.

4. When we are ready to love rather than be loved
Confusingly, we speak of ‘love’ as one thing, rather than discerning the
two very different varieties that lie beneath the single word: being
loved and loving. We should marry when we are ready to do the latter and
are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former.
We start out knowing only about ‘being loved.’ It comes to seem – very
wrongly – like the norm. To the child, it feels as if the parent is
simply spontaneously on hand to comfort, guide, entertain, feed, clear
up and remain almost always warm and cheerful. Parents don’t reveal how
often they have bitten their tongue, fought back the tears and been too
tired to take off their clothes after a day of childcare. The
relationship is almost entirely non-reciprocal. The parent loves; but
they do not expect the favour to be returned in any significant way. The
parent does not get upset when the child has not noticed the new hair
cut, asked carefully-calibrated questions about how the meeting at work
went or suggested that they go upstairs to take a nap. Parent and child
may both ‘love’, but each party is on a very different end of the axis,
unbeknownst to the child.
This is why in adulthood, when we first say we long for love, what we
predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we were once loved by a
parent. We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be
ministered to and indulged. In a secret part of our minds, we picture
someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, be
immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly and make it all
better.
This is – naturally – a disaster. For a marriage to work, we need to
move firmly out of the child – and into the parental position. We need
to become someone who will be willing to subordinate their own demands
and concerns to the needs of another.
There’s a further lesson to be learnt. When a child says to its parent
‘I hate you’, the parent does not automatically go numb with shock or
threaten to leave the house and never come back, because the parent
knows that the child is not giving the executive summary of a deeply
thought-out and patient investigation into the state of the
relationship. The cause of these words might be hunger, a lost but
crucial piece of Lego, the fact that they went to a cocktail party last
night, that they won’t let them play a computer game, or that they have
an earache…
Parents become very good at not hearing the explicit words and listening
instead to what the child means but doesn’t yet know how to say: ‘I’m
lonely, in pain, or frightened’ – distress which then unfairly comes out
as an attack on the safest, kindest, most reliable thing in the child’s
world: the parent.
We find it exceptionally hard to make this move with our partners: to
hear what they truly mean, rather than responding (furiously) to what
they are saying.
A third vow should state: ‘Whenever I have the strength in me to do so, I
will imitate those who once loved me and take care of my partner as
these figures cared for me. The task isn’t an unfair chore or a
departure from the true nature of love. It is the only kind of love
really worthy of that exalted word.

5. When we are ready for administration
The Romantic person instinctively sees marriage in terms of emotions.
But what a couple actually get up to together over a lifetime has much
more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up
work rosters, clean, chauffeur, cook, fix, throw away, mind, hire, fire,
reconcile and budget.
None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current
arrangement of society. Those obliged to do them are therefore highly
likely to resent them and feel that something has gone wrong with their
lives for having to involve themselves so closely with them. And yet
these tasks are what is truly ‘romantic’ in the sense of ‘conducive and
sustaining of love’ and should be interpreted as the bedrock of a
successful marriage, and accorded all the honour currently given to
other activities in society, like mountain climbing or motor sport.
A central vow should read: ‘I accept the dignity of the ironing board.’

6. When we understand that sex and love do and don’t belong
together
The Romantic view expects that love and sex will be aligned. But in
truth, they won’t stay so beyond a few months or, at best, one or two
years. This is not anyone’s fault. Because marriage has other key
concerns (companionship, administration, another generation), sex will
suffer. We are ready to get married when we accept a large degree of
sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.
The ability to understand how to never objectify each other is key to
deciphering the thin-line between the dynamics of having sex and making
love. This understanding can be only brewed from depth, nowhere else.
The gain here is that, while sex wanes per time and becomes "an issue",
making love actually gets virgin per time, quickens sensitivity, it’s
“non-libidoic” and seldom becomes an issue.

Both parties must therefore scrupulously avoid making the marriage
‘about sex’. They must also, from the outset, plan for the most
challenging issue that will, statistically-speaking, arise for them:
that one or the other will have affairs. Someone is properly ready for
marriage when they are ready to behave maturely around betraying and
being betrayed.
Also at this point, understanding helps to create a mutually-inclusive
melting point where personal and religious inferences (not eccentric
sentiments) are both respected and inter-played.

The inexperienced, immature view of betrayal goes like this: sex doesn’t
have to be part of love. It can be quick and meaningless, just like
playing tennis. Two people shouldn’t try to own each other’s bodies.
It’s just a bit of fun. So one’s partner shouldn’t mind so much.
But this is willfully to ignore impregnable basics of human nature. No
one can be the victim of adultery and not feel that they have been found
fundamentally wanting and cut to the core of their being. They will
never get over it. It makes no sense, of course, but that isn’t the
point. Many things about us make little sense – and yet have to be
respected. The adulterer has to be ready to honour and forgive the
partner’s extreme capacity for jealousy, and so must as far as is
possible resist the urge to have sex with other people, must take every
possible measure to prevent it being known if they do and must respond
with extraordinary kindness and patience if the truth does ever emerge.
They should above all never try to persuade their partner that it isn’t
right to be jealous or that jealousy is unnatural, ‘bad’ or a bourgeois
construct.
On the other side of the equation, one should ready oneself for
betrayal. That is, one should make strenuous efforts to try to
understand what might go through the partner’s mind when they have sex
with someone else. One is likely to think that there is no other option
but that they are deliberately trying to humiliate one and that all
their love has evaporated. The more likely truth – that one’s partner
just wants to have more, or different, sex – is as hard to master as
Mandarin or the oboe and requires as much practice.
One is ready to get married when two very difficult things are in place:
one is ready to believe in one’s partner’s genuine capacity to separate
love and sex. And at the same time, one is ready to believe in one’s
partner’s stubborn inability to keep love and sex apart.
Two people have to be able to master both feats, because they may – over
a lifetime – be called upon to demonstrate both capacities. This –
rather than a vow never to have sex with another human again – should be
the relevant test for getting married.

7. When we are happy to be taught and calm about teaching
We are ready for marriage when we accept that in certain very
significant areas, our partners will be wiser, more reasonable and more
mature than we are. We should want to learn from them. We should bear
having things pointed out to us. We should, at key points, see them as
the teacher and ourselves as pupils. At the same time, we should be
ready to take on the task of teaching them certain things and like good
teachers, not shout, lose our tempers or expect them simply to know.
Marriage should be recognised as a process of mutual education.

8. When we realize we’re not that compatible
The Romantic view of marriage stresses that the ‘right’ person means
someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life.
This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of
time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; because differences
inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the
person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate
differences in taste intelligently and wisely.
Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the
capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the ‘right’
person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its
precondition.

Conclusion
We have accepted that it is a truly good idea to attend some classes
before having children. This is now the norm for all educated people in
all developed nations.
Yet there is as yet no widespread acceptability for the idea of having
classes before getting married. The results are around for all to see.
The time has come to bury the Romantic intuition-based view of marriage
and learn to practice and rehearse marriage as one would ice-skating,
ballet-dancing or violin playing, activities no more complex and no more
deserving of systematic periods of instruction.
For now, while the infrastructure of new vows and classes is put in
place, we all deserve untold sympathy for our struggles. We are trying
to do something enormously difficult without the bare minimum of support
necessary. It is not surprising if – very often – we have troubles.
Precis- feelings may run diarrheic, but love isn't sick; perfection is
overrated, but rhythm is a more realistic mainstay; selfless depth, not
self-censoring shallowness, is companionship's gold; sex starts on the
bed and ends there, (figurative), but love-making has no life-cycle; all
these, living love, is real hard work, not telemundo.



http://sayoaluko..com/2014/07/v-behaviorurldefaultvmlo.html
sayo aluko
PHILOSOPHERS' MAIL