Since i got a job 2 years ago, My husband and I are currently leaving apart and it has been a challenge. All attempts to get a transfer to be with and so far have been unsuccessful and I have gotten discouraged. Because of my feild of study, i can only work in abuja or Lagos even though they have offices all over the country. Moving to Lagos is farther away from my husband, so I and my 3 year old son moved to abuja.

I have not given up entirely on getting a transfer even if it means switching to a different department, and praying for God's favour.

To manage the situation, we try to visit each other every 2 weeks or less, my husband does most of the travelling though but its not the same. So many issues are coming up and the expenses in abuja are making things worse . Its almost as if, am working and have nothing to show for it while my littl family suffers.
Particularly, my son and this is where I need your advice please.
First, I drop my son in school by 7.30am and pick him at 5 after work because I do not have a help and also because I believe a school is better than leaving a child unsupervised with a help at home anyways. Am not happy Leaving my child that long in school.

Second, the school fees of is expensive for me( although a cheap sch for Abuja levels) and even at that, I am not satisfied with the standard of the school (except I want to pay more which I can't) and my son is really not doing well at the school.
Third is the growing bomb threats on Abuja schools even though insecurity is all over.

Now my husband is saying our son should move back with him and school in our state of which there are several good and far cheaper schools.

Also, he says I should get a smaller accommodation and save more from rent since he is taking our son.

My husband as a business man is his own boss and can schedule his work around his family unlike me. He has always been a hands on father and can actually take care of our boy plus he has the help of both our parents and other relatives.
With all the bomb threats, My husband feels he can better protect our son because as a man he can handle a crisis situation better.

While I understand the benefits, i believe child needs the mother at all my times, and a mother cannot be substituted even if well intended.
Also, if my child is not with me, then how will I cope alone after work, it seems so pointless. The extra money saved should not overshadow the child's best interest.
On security, the whole country is not safe, whether the child is with me or with him. It is only God that protects. Moreover, who will protect me in Abuja? Shouldn't my husband be concerned about me too?

My husband says I am being sentimental, so i decided to post this and to hear your veiws. School resumes in September, n I need to have a position soon.
Thanks

topsyb:
While I understand the benefits, i believe child needs the mother at all my times, and a mother cannot be substituted even if well intended.

Also, if my child is not with me, then how will I cope alone after work, it seems so pointless. The extra money saved should not overshadow the child's best interest.

On security, the whole country is not safe, whether the child is with me or with him. It is only God that protects. Moreover, who will protect me in Abuja? Shouldn't my husband be concerned about me too?

you are very selfish!
how will you cope after work without your son? how has your husband been coping after work since all these years?

the extra money saved is the crux of the matter & since you are closer to boko haram than your husband, it makes so much sense that the boy is moved to a safer environment.

Madam let ur son be with ur husband since its economically and would be psychologically ok for the child. Make sure u travel to see ur family fortnightly or at most once in a month. Don't be selfish, since ur husband is capable to take care of that child it will be wise to let him ve custody.

spreads mat.........................nkechi gimme toothpick and pure water


oya advisee i dey wait

remsonik: Madam let ur son be with ur husband since its economically and would be psychologically ok for the child. Make sure u travel to see ur family fortnightly or at most once in a month. Don't be selfish, since ur husband is capable to take care of that child it will be wise to let him ve custody.

nah - she's too selfish to let the boy be with the husband. she's also too selfish to get a smaller apartment & save money for the benefit of the family.

coogar:

nah - she's too selfish to let the boy be with the husband. she's also too selfish to get a smaller apartment & save money for the benefit of the family.

Hmmm I just pray she can do the two things. May another woman not push u Op out of ur matrimonial home.

Selfishness noted, though a bitter pill to swallow. Appreciate your bluntness, I really am trying to be rational.

topsyb: Selfishness noted, though a bitter pill to swallow. Appreciate your bluntness, I really am trying to be rational.

there's no rationality here.
you are closer to boko haram, the cost of living where you are is way too expensive, what else do you need to convince yourself that your son should move where it's cheaper & relatively safer?

i mean, you are the woman here....
if push comes to a shove, can you protect your child like his dad would? can you run? can you jump from a storey building in an emergency situation? can you go into an inferno to save a child?

Op, what's the worst that could happen if you leave this job?
I mean, you just said there's almost nothing to show for it, don't you think you're sacrificing too much (your family) for almost nothing?

You work and pretty much everything is spent as soon as you get it
You only get to see your husband a few times a month in what seems like a very young marriage
You already know that you can only likely work in either Lagos or Abuja and your home is in the east
Living separately is not working for any of the three of you

Why are you and your husband not together? I don't see any reason for this job. There has to be more to this story.

alutacontinua: Op, what's the worst that could happen if you leave this job?
I mean, you just said there's almost nothing to show for it, don't you think you're sacrificing too much (your family) for almost nothing?

Nice observation . U have just spoken my mind as well.. My Kid sister just resign her job with FIRS to rejoin d husband in P.H after trying to seek a transfer to no avail. She is not regretting at all. According to her, she feels more alive now, so what are we saying?

Op, i believe u will get a beta offer tomoro so if need be, u may have to consider family first before that abuja distraction u call a job, i know its not easy to secure a gud job. Weigh ur options and do d needful.
Do it now.

Exactly....Even once the child goes to your husband, she should start kissing the relationship goodbye/see it as the beginning of the end.
Quit your job and move in with your family (hubby and child).
Look for another job there and live your life.
Too much hassles and how long will you guys continue to do the long distant thing?

alutacontinua: Op, what's the worst that could happen if you leave this job?
I mean, you just said there's almost nothing to show for it, don't you think you're sacrificing too much (your family) for almost nothing?

OP leave this job. Find something else to do. For u n ur husband to decide to let u work in abj in the 1st place I guess there is a level of understanding btw d both of u. So tell him and quit. U don't have any benefits in abj.. u r losing out

following oooooh.

misssPepper: OP leave this job. Find something else to do. For u n ur husband to decide to let u work in abj in the 1st place I guess there is a level of understanding btw d both of u. So tell him and quit. U don't have any benefits in abj.. u r losing out

From the beginning, my husband was expereincing financial highs and lows from his business and we agreed that if i get a stable job, it will aid us in planning better. The mistake made was not having the right facts about the organisation before starting the job. whatever the case, quitting is an option am willing to take in the long run if nothing changes at work, but for now, we agreed to endure another one year and see.

however, i need to make a decision now on whether its best for our 3 year old to stay with me or with his father. september is around the corner, and will have some preparations to make before that time.

tanks for all the contributions so far

By the way, my husband is a nairalander and this is my first post.

@ Op, I'll advise that you quit your job and relocated back with your son to unite with hubby.

you will get another job in your new place with time and you can also join hubby in his business or look for something to do.

I was once in your shoes some years back. I was earning more than hubby in my work place and our location was far apart. I was also with a toddler. Unlike your hubby, mine never visited often was always complaining of high transportation cost.

I had to take the bold step of resigning and relocating. It was tough at first but I have no regrets at all and things have indeed picked up.

A child is better of growing with both parents in his formative years. Please don't deprive your child of that.

I stay in Abuja as well and the cost of rent, school fees etc is quite high. A salary earner can hardly sustain that.

Your husband has spoken well.

And your concerns about your child are also valid - especially given the turmoil the child wil feel if seperated from you now.

If your husbands business cannot be relocated. You need to think about moving to be with him, which of course may necessitate a strategic career change.


All the best.


TV

Let the child stay with the father, my son was only 1 when he had to stay with his alone, i hook up with them every weekend though.


Be reasonable here, the child is better off with his father.

topsyb:

From the beginning, my husband was expereincing financial highs and lows from his business and we agreed that if i get a stable job, it will aid us in planning better. The mistake made was not having the right facts about the organisation before starting the job. whatever the case, quitting is an option am willing to take in the long run if nothing changes at work, but for now, we agreed to endure another one year and see.

however, i need to make a decision now on whether its best for our 3 year old to stay with me or with his father. september is around the corner, and will have some preparations to make before that time.

tanks for all the contributions so far

By the way, my husband is a nairalander and this is my first post.

who is he? 190 or pickabeau1?

Leave the low paying worthless job Abeg. And move where your husband is. Look for opportunities there or find a new career. A career that you can use to find a job no matter the location. That job is not worth all this trouble.

Its gonna take a lot of courage to quit, but the way forward is getting obvious from all your comments.

The job ain't bringing in any extra income so what gives? Relocate back home already @ OP. Its not worth it.