Alsan 333, I blooged about you as promised and sent you an email but I'm not sure how often you check those so I'm risking the wrath of the moderator and putting it here as well. Hope you see is soon.

http://fabulositynouveau..com/

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It’s great to be the boss. The boss at home and H.O.D in my office. I never have to say sir to anyone because my word is final. I mean right now I am in a city on official business and my wife was very much against it. She was scared because it’s known for religious crisis but I told her am going anyway because really, what does she know?

Its 3p.m and a religious crisis has broken out in the city. I am trying to escape with my driver. As we drive off we see a group of men with machetes at a roadblock. My driver screeches to a halt. Ah oga, e don hapin. What has happened? Ah oga my salary no cover this one he says as he struggles with his seat-belt. You want to abandon your boss? Dem abandon Jesus, who you be? With that he dashes into the bushes; and I immediately follow suite.

As we lay in the bushes I find out I am lying next to a soldier ant colony. I try my best to bear the pain but one foul ant bites me in the wrong place. I let out such a hideous cry that two of the men run for dear life. The rest quickly gather around us. You pots-of-shit their leader bellows, what is your religion? I stand there trembling like a premature piglet, “whatever you want it to be sir”, I reply. YOU BE FOOL he says. Yes sir I reply, it’s an established fact in my village. So you believe what we believe? You have made   me an instant believer sir. After about five minutes of discussion and a few slaps they ask us to run and not look back. As we run I say to myself I will never laugh at Peter for denying Jesus again.

My driver gets me to his sister-in-laws place, a pretty lady in her late twenties and she houses us until the crises is over. Ah oga I no know say you fit talk sir, sir, sir like that o he says. It was a systematic strategy I reply, we are alive aren’t we?

It’s been two months and the memories are still vivid in my mind. I get a call from my drivers’ sister-in-law. She’s in my state visiting a friend so I decide to pay her a visit and another and another until strange thoughts creep into my head. A voice says “be careful, that’s how David got into trouble”. Am no peeping Tom I reply, I can handle it. A week passes and I find out I can’t handle it. I sit thinking about her curves until I finally fix an appointment with her at a hotel for Saturday evening. On Saturday morning I wake up to kiss my wife and find her cooking my favorite dish. All this for me? Yes she replies, your wife always knows. Yes I reply you always know my favorite dishes. I will be off with the guys today and will be back late. Do you really have to, she asks. Yes I reply. Okay just don’t waste my food. After eating her delicious lunch I take a shower and head out for my tryst. Its 4.19p.m

At about 5.30p.m I meet her at the hotel room; she looks so sexy and goes into the bathroom to freshen up. As I sit on the bed in anticipation I feel a rumble in my tummy and know this isn’t mee mee time. As she comes out I rush in and sit on the toilet trying to “release the crakon”. After about three minutes it feels as if my intestines are abandoning ship, with a loud cry I release the demon from my bowels. She knocks on the door in alarm asking if am okay. Fine dear, I reply, I’ll be out in a minute. After flushing five times “thunder sub” refuses to go so I just cover the toilet lid (dear me this isn’t sexy at all). As I come out she says “I would have sworn you were in labor in there”. As a trickle of sweat drops down my brow, I look at her and say “my dear, shit can kill “.

I lie down as she uses tissue to dab my sweat. Thank heavens the toilet was nearby she says. Yes I reply, tummy trouble is no respecter of persons. How do we know it wasn’t tummy trouble that made the prophet Elijah run faster then a horse back then? She gets up to throw the tissue in the toilet and I hear a loud ELELE!!!!!!!!!!(dear me the thing that refused to flush). I know this date is officially over. Fifteen minutes later as I drop her off I say “am sorry about all this, it’s all for the best because I honestly don’t think I could live with myself if we did it. She shrugs her shoulders saying “okay, I can’t imagine cuddling someone who gave birth to what I saw anyway’. My first affair, what a disaster!

It’s Sunday morning and I ask my wife for some multivitamin pills because I still feel a bit weak. Just check my bag she says. As I go through her bag I see some strange pills. I google them and find out they make you practically sit on the toilet, ehhhhhh!!!!!!!! Honey did you em put anything in my food yesterday morning? She looks at me and smiles, like I said when I was cooking dear, your wife always knows.

@ J,  i have posted the last story i wrote, as you requested
@ X factor please check your box

This sounds original and interestng as well. I can't wait for the next story.

OMG! Aslan mba nu, you are the man. Thanks for making my day

OMG! Aslan mba nu, you are the man. Thanks for making my day

Aslan are there any edits by the forum on this, can you please email original if there are?

Oh mighty Aslan!, you are really living up to the "Aslan" name, You are totally off the hinges, so i was looking at my phone reading your threads and forcing myself to control the high octane pressurised laugh that was welling up from inside becos i was in a public place, didn't want to be seen as a goodlooking-well dressed-They just swore for him-mad man.Where really got my tickle buds was where the mother inlaw put a large mirror in front of the spaghetti devouring husband, That was a blast, Abeg keep it coming, there's this saying in yoruba,i dont know how to put it because i'm a perpetual "E" grader in youruba language, but maybe you can complete it, E bi to o'n bo ko ni ton be(its supposed to mean that where this stories are coming from it wont finish), You get the idea.cheers

Hi Aslan,Your story is one in a million. I hope this is not your last story as you said because am looking forward to read more of your stories

IF YOU ARE THE HUSBAND AND YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR WIFE KNOWS WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

cinorita:

IF YOU ARE THE HUSBAND AND YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR WIFE KNOWS WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

He's probably have used gasolin and match.

You just succeeded in making my day

It is our decision to enroll in the school of foolishness that makes us to graduate with a degree in misfortune.

Hey everyone,

check out a review, read something different:
FABULOSITY NOUVEAU: Fearless Fourteen by Janet Evanovich: A Book Club , http:///uaok80w

the story is nooce, wonder if the first n 2nd story were set in Naija or some oversea country

@ all thanks for your comments.

Nice any of these real?

@ dumodust, not really

OMG, u are too good. More please.

aslan is naturally good with d gift of d gab showing us what literature is truly all about.. .something to savour vicariously...I'm enjoying this!

am impressed, you have made my day

thanks all @uniquexty i have replied your mail

aslan333: Are women meant to like wrestling? My elder sister does and she used me to practice her moves while we were growing up. Am not saying am a wimp or anything it’s just that she took my fathers size and strength and left me with very little. But now we’re all grown up and it’s a happy time in the family because my elder sister has finally found Mr. Right. She has had her fair share of guy troubles (which she is very sensitive about) so we’re thankful she’ll soon be strolling down the aisle. With so much love in the air I decide to send my sister a bible verse on love and ask my wife to text one to me. She sends me 1John 4vs 7&8 and I tuck it away to be sent later that day.

Its 4 o’clock and I get a call from my wife, she says my sister is at my place fuming over a bible verse I sent and she wants to know what I sent to her. I check my phone and see I sent John 4vs 18 instead of 1 John 4vs 7 &8 and the bible verse I sent reads “I know you have no husband infact you have had five husbands and the man you're with isn’t even your husband”. Memories of childhood beatings come flooding back but I shrug them off. I am a man now; my sister can’t come to MY house and intimidate me. I’ll just go home and tell her it was all a little mistake.

Its 5o’clock and as I open the front door I see my elder sister’s bloodshot eyes staring through a window. The minute she sees me she rushes at me looking like an electrocuted bush rat. I take off with speed that would make usain bolt jealous. As I sprint to my car I hear her shouting “Na me you dey call ashawo, wait make I show you how I dey cut firewood for house” I make it to my car and speed off. As a wise man once said “he who lives to run away…………………… or something like that

As I drive I ask “why me?” and a voice replies “why not you?”hmmmmmmmmmmm. This situation is more serious then I thought. There’s only one person that can cool down my elder sister and that’s my belligerent grandma. As I begin dialing her number I remember she has a serious hearing problem so I drive over to pick her up instead. It will all be sorted out in no time

Its 6.30p.m and I am on my way home with grandma. As I drive I look in the rear view mirror and grandma asks “what are you looking at boy? Nothing grandma just my reflection. You have got an erection? No ma I said I was just looking at my reflection. What is it about your reflection that’s giving you an erection? You got problems boy. I sigh; this is going to be a long day.

Its 8.30p.m and I enjoy a cold shower. After alot of explaining we settled it all with minimal violence. As I walk downstairs to cuddle my wife I see her watching a sci –fi film on television. There’s this man in a spaceship with frantic eyes, sweating profusely and screaming location 123, location 123, you sent me the wrong co-ordinates am not heading to the moon am heading to the sun. Apollo 16 this is location, we can’t hear you. I said you sent the wrong co-ordinates AM HEADING TO THE SUN. This is location, we cant heeeeeeeeeear you. Well I definitely know how that films going to end. My wife hears me, turns off the T.V and puts on Kenny G. As we cuddle together I think of her and my lovely daughter and say to myself “this is the life” a voice asks “why you?” and I reply “why not me”

This got me rolling on the floor.
Weldone! More power to your elbow.

This should be forwarded to the frontpage ASAP to loosen some uptight hormones.

Aslan, u're da bomb! Keep it coming!

aslan333: thanks all @uniquexty i have replied your mail

Is there more of your stories? Can you keep writing as I am sure a lot of viewers would appreciate & enjoy it

@cuddlemii I was in a particular frame of mind when writing those stories and don't have anymore in my book. I would much prefer if they came naturally and right now i seem to dwell alot more on my land of shadows/diary of me threads. great to know everyone enjoyed them

Nice