Believers Love World aka Christ Embassy Church is my favorite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.
If you are no stranger to these Christians, you'll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the sky-daddy bandwagon.
Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy Church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best.
Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ embassy brother somewhere, applying gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven't applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are a novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like "Zoe", "Rhapsody", "Grace", "Different", etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call "speaking-in-tongues"? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your "embassy" sister target with your curly hair, a Pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Pastor Chris accent:

"Hey sister, you are the "Zoe" of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!" And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris' posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach's music in your car stereo. Be 100% "Christic" and I swear she'll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listen to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: "Pastor Chris says....", "Pastor Chris once said...", "I remember when Pastor Chris talked about...", "I learned from pastor Chris that...." Etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetorics like "You are different!" "You are the salt of the earth", "where men fail, you shall succeed", "Let the world see the excellence in you", etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called "Speaking-in-tongues", is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version spices like "holy-ghost laughter", "Holy-ghost worship", etc. If you're bored on a sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this christian sect, there is little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. "To the pure, all things are pure", they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I am so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don't kill me dear pastor "Christists". Isn't the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it "my father's business." Do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their other sky-band counterparts in Nigeria. Put a Christ embassy member side by side with a TB Joshua patronizer or a Lazarus Mouka crew member, the mentality of the Christ Embassy fellow surpasses the rest. 

They have a way of making their "shit" sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it's reputable reception.

http://saharareporters.com/2014/09/02/nigerian-churches-and-their-individual-madness-part-1-christ-embassy-church-imoh-david

Afritop: Believers Love World aka Christ Embassy Church is my favorite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.
If you are no stranger to these Christians, you'll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the sky-daddy bandwagon.
Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy Church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best.
Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ embassy brother somewhere, applying gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven't applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are a novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like "Zoe", "Rhapsody", "Grace", "Different", etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call "speaking-in-tongues"? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your "embassy" sister target with your curly hair, a Pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Pastor Chris accent:

"Hey sister, you are the "Zoe" of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!" And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris' posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach's music in your car stereo. Be 100% "Christic" and I swear she'll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listen to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: "Pastor Chris says....", "Pastor Chris once said...", "I remember when Pastor Chris talked about...", "I learned from pastor Chris that...." Etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetorics like "You are different!" "You are the salt of the earth", "where men fail, you shall succeed", "Let the world see the excellence in you", etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called "Speaking-in-tongues", is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version spices like "holy-ghost laughter", "Holy-ghost worship", etc. If you're bored on a sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this christian sect, there is little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. "To the pure, all things are pure", they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I am so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don't kill me dear pastor "Christists". Isn't the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it "my father's business." Do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their other sky-band counterparts in Nigeria. Put a Christ embassy member side by side with a TB Joshua patronizer or a Lazarus Mouka crew member, the mentality of the Christ Embassy fellow surpasses the rest. 

They have a way of making their "shit" sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it's reputable reception.

http://saharareporters.com/2014/09/02/nigerian-churches-and-their-individual-madness-part-1-christ-embassy-church-imoh-david

Hilarious!

Way back then, Chinua Achebe prophesied and wrote " there is something akin to madness in their overwhelming method ".

Sharia reporters and their image tarnishing articles

Is it not enough problem that pastor Chris is having family problems


Or maybe pastor Chris has gej or pdp connection


Please report better news like Japan ebola drug now in naija so that the masses can have hope for a better tomorrow

@ topic, what a funny piece especially the part that encourages one to dress and talk like Pastor Chris when wooing a sister in the church.

Afritop: Believers Love World aka Christ Embassy Church is my favorite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.
If you are no stranger to these Christians, you'll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the sky-daddy bandwagon.
Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy Church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best.
Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ embassy brother somewhere, applying gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven't applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are a novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like "Zoe", "Rhapsody", "Grace", "Different", etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call "speaking-in-tongues"? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your "embassy" sister target with your curly hair, a Pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Pastor Chris accent:

"Hey sister, you are the "Zoe" of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!" And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris' posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach's music in your car stereo. Be 100% "Christic" and I swear she'll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listen to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: "Pastor Chris says....", "Pastor Chris once said...", "I remember when Pastor Chris talked about...", "I learned from pastor Chris that...." Etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetorics like "You are different!" "You are the salt of the earth", "where men fail, you shall succeed", "Let the world see the excellence in you", etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called "Speaking-in-tongues", is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version spices like "holy-ghost laughter", "Holy-ghost worship", etc. If you're bored on a sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this christian sect, there is little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. "To the pure, all things are pure", they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I am so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don't kill me dear pastor "Christists". Isn't the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it "my father's business." Do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their other sky-band counterparts in Nigeria. Put a Christ embassy member side by side with a TB Joshua patronizer or a Lazarus Mouka crew member, the mentality of the Christ Embassy fellow surpasses the rest. 

They have a way of making their "shit" sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it's reputable reception.

http://saharareporters.com/2014/09/02/nigerian-churches-and-their-individual-madness-part-1-christ-embassy-church-imoh-david

You know as funny as this is I couldn't laugh, this imoh David will still claim Christianity as his religion o, educated illiterate. What's is wrong with we christians? Why we no just fit get sense for once? We go about castigating and ridiculing ourselves and can't be united for once. ....how many Muslims have you seen analyzing sects like this? Or you think they don't have different doctrines? Yet they are always united. Smh there'll be surprises in heaven.

davdandam:
You know as funny as this is I couldn't laugh, this imoh David will still claim Christianity as his religion o, educated illiterate.

He's atheist...

davdandam:
You know as funny as this is I couldn't laugh, this imoh David will still claim Christianity as his religion o, educated illiterate. What's is wrong with we christians? Why we no just fit get sense for once? We go about castigating and ridiculing ourselves and can't be united for once. ....how many Muslims have you seen analyzing sects like this? Or you think they don't have different doctrines? Yet they are always united. Smh there'll be surprises in heaven.

Is the truth so bitter?

@ op has done a satirical analysis on BLW to brighten the mood of thousands who will read his piece by daybreak and you take offence to it?

The Muslims do not making jest of each others sect because " THE DEVIL DOES NOT NEED A CAMPAIGN MANAGER" but for us " there are wolves in SHEEP clothing".

Did I also hear you say "the muslims are always united"? I guess you have tarried too long on Nairaland junks and have not been watching foreign news channels to see the atrocities ISIS is commiting against " moderate" muslims and their shrines and holy sites.

Hilarious!!!!!

"soft madness. "...too funny.. I have also noticed how they speak in foreign accents when they perform their madness... Repatolabetooh crickun bilikisu in heaven lord..! I speak this, I decree this, embarrass me with your glory o lord, with a hint of britico accent...

When will my people free themselves from this madness..!?

Onlinebizexpert: Sharia reporters and their image tarnishing articles

Is it not enough problem that pastor Chris is having family problems


Or maybe pastor Chris has gej or pdp connection


Please report better news like Japan ebola drug now in naija so that the masses can have hope for a better tomorrow

You can say that again. When a man is having troubles, iidiots like the writer of this article are the first to bring out their drums to beat in joy and celebration. Rubbish post

Ishilove:
You can say that again. When a man is having troubles, iidiots like the writer of this article are the first to bring out their drums to beat in joy and celebration. Rubbish post

Sis how far? Watin I do u? Thought we were friendz

frank317:

Sis how far? Watin I do u? Thought we were friendz

But I didn't hear from you again na

Ishilove:
But I didn't hear from you again na

been sending you mails left right centre

This is a wonderful post...and it is the truth!

It iws great and I wait for the next pastor!

Ishilove:
But I didn't hear from you again na

So you've been expecting to hear from another man shey? U know say na so e dey take start small small.

Glory to Lucifer. The walls of deceit can only hold for so long. Knowledge has a way of finding the ignorant.

sonOfLucifer: Glory to Lucifer. The walls of deceit can only hold for so long. Knowledge has a way of finding the ignorant.

repent for d kingdom of God is at hand

I agree to some extent, Christ Embassy members seem more intelligent and more tolerant than most ..
MFM, Deeper Life, Chosen parade the most uneducated, illiterate and poverty-stricken members i have seen in ages never before seen. they cannot string a few sentences in good english, they are always on about how the devil is losing the battle in their lives and yet they remain in the same condition.. Redeemed Members also have a lot (especially Deacons and pastors) who use words to hide their level of intelligence or lack of it. but it is not as bad as the rest. Christ Embassy Rules

voltron: I agree to some extent, Christ Embassy members seem more intelligent and more tolerant than most ..
MFM, Deeper Life, Chosen parade the most uneducated, illiterate and poverty-stricken members i have seen in ages never before seen. they cannot string a few sentences in good english, they are always on about how the devil is losing the battle in their lives and yet they remain in the same condition.. Redeemed Members also have a lot (especially Deacons and pastors) who use words to hide their level of intelligence or lack of it. but it is not as bad as the rest. Christ Embassy Rules

LMAO.
The bolded is perfectly true.
IMO, Catholics are the most "advanced" --at least in the Western world.
Most are pro-science and do not believe in creationism bullish.it

davdandam:
You know as funny as this is I couldn't laugh, this imoh David will still claim Christianity as his religion o, educated illiterate. What's is wrong with we christians? Why we no just fit get sense for once? We go about castigating and ridiculing ourselves and can't be united for once. ....how many Muslims have you seen analyzing sects like this? Or you think they don't have different doctrines? Yet they are always united. Smh there'll be surprises in heaven.

It is because Pentecostal christianity is a pseudo-religion not founded upon, and does not address itself to anything meaningful, except for fraud, pretense and mild insanity.

IF it looks like a duck, quacks looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it surely must be a duck.
lol.

Apatheist:
He's atheist...

True. I don't see any point in responding to OP.

plaetton:

It is because Pentecostal christianity is a pseudo-religion not founded upon, and does not address itself to anything meaningful, except for fraud, pretense and mild insanity.

IF it looks like a duck, quacks looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it surely must be a duck.
lol.

You are the least person to respond to that post, please allow christians quote that post.

Rotflmfao


Very true and funny article. Everything in that piece is amazingly true


Just can't stop laughing loud at this...



REBOSHKAY!!!

davdandam:
You know as funny as this is I couldn't laugh, this imoh David will still claim Christianity as his religion o, educated illiterate. What's is wrong with we christians? Why we no just fit get sense for once? We go about castigating and ridiculing ourselves and can't be united for once. ....how many Muslims have you seen analyzing sects like this? Or you think they don't have different doctrines? Yet they are always united. Smh there'll be surprises in heaven.

That unification has turned many to zombies