Fellow Nigerians.

Here we are again, to celebrate for the 54th and Allah and Sango and Amadioha (and whatever you atheists believe in…The Universe?) for bringing us this far.

While we might want to look back and reminisce about a time when everything was good, when streets had no potholes and parents could afford to buy shoes for their little boys; While we might want to re-examine the bloody fratricide that nearly tore the fabric of our nationhood at the very seams; while we might want to go back and debate on the series of coups and counter coups that followed; while we might want to once again ask that question “Did Abacha die of Cardiac arrest, poisoned apples or over sex from Indian Hoes?”……

While we might want to engage in all of that, today is not the day.This is Goodluck Ebele Jonathan’s Independence day…………let us broach other subjects.

Subjects like, are you people even seeing how I am dealing with these Boko Haram boys? Like are you really seeing it? That Shekau boy. He thought he could threaten me with Rocket Propelled Grenades and Ak-47. Forgetting I am a Doctor of Zoology. Yes. DOCTOR of ZOOLOGY. I know how to treat animals, and he’s is an animal. (or should I say was? Ha. Ha. Ha.)

Then there is the little issue of Bringing Back Our Girls. I can assure you, Fellow Nigerians, that I have been working tirelessly on this issue (and that #BringBackJonathan thing was NOT my idea, I swear).

It’s just that these Boko Haram boys have developed a Knack of moving that Sambisa Forest all over the place. Have you ever seen a Mobile Forest?! These boys are not even playing at all. However we are on it. I have assembled the brightest Nigerian Political minds into countless committees to do something about it urgently.

Now Let us talk about my re-electio……..sorry………..let us talk about 2015. time, our Independent Nationhood. We thank God

I congratulate Alhaji Atiku on his declaration of intent to contest. I also congratulate others who will soon declare intent. I’d like all of us to meet soonest so we can discuss our reconciliation and positions in our Unity Government.

Am I saying you will lose? Nooo. Neither am I saying I will win. To be Honest I am not saying anything at all.

I don’t want to talk too much now. I have already given you the 1st speech Abati and Okupe and the Speech Writers wanted you to hear.

This one is straight from my heart, written on my Presidential bed while Patience tickes my Chest Hair.

Happy Independence Nigeria. I remain Your President, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.Have a wonderful holiday (I’m talking to you Igbo spare part boys. Lock up your shop for Christ sake. It’s a holiday. Take the day off)

See you all at Eagle square. speech on TV

VISIT www. FOR MORE HILARIOUS NEWS

not funny

u dulled on this one