This is a MUST Read, guys. From the very first
word to the last. Drop dead hilarious and written by
the one and only Etcetera! lol.
Bless me father for I have sinned. My last
confession was two days ago. Father, I am an
entertainer and I have been lying to my fans
for many years.
Really? Tell me about these lies my son.
Father, where do I start from? The lies are so
many that I don’t know where to start. Go
ahead son, you start from anywhere, the Lord
is listening.
Father, I lied that I was signed by a foreign
record label. I also lied that I am a brand
ambassador of one of the telecommunication
firms. Whereas I was only paid to make the
jingle and later feature on the TV commercial.
I also lied to the public that my album sold six
million copies.
My son, why all these lies?
Father, I am not the only liar in the industry.
We are all liars. Lying is part of the job’s
description.
Are you serious?
Yes father, I am being very frank with you. My
lies are even mild compared to some of my
colleagues. Imagine one female artist lying
that she was a backup singer for Mary J Blige.
How can she be a backup singer for such an
international star and nobody saw any
pictures or videos. Normally as an entertainer
such materials could have been used to
promote her brand. She also lied that she
wrote a song for Fantasia that won a Grammy.
As I am confessing to you, nobody knows the
title of the song. There’s no credit to her on
Fantasia’s catalog.
A Nigerian singer said all these?
Yes father. Her own lies are even small sef.
Another female singer lied that Beyonce’s
father was her manager while she was in the
US.
No you must be joking!
Haba Father, can I be lying to you during
confession?
My son, as a reverend father in this
parish, I have seen so many strange
things. When a man is possessed by the
devil there’s nothing beyond him. And
from what you have been saying, there is
absolutely nothing beyond you
entertainers. But go on, tell God more of
these lies of yours.
I have lied about buying houses in Lekki and
other parts of Lagos. But I thank God that till
today no one has thought of looking up these
properties at the ministry of lands otherwise I
would have been caught pants down. Are you
listening father?
Yes go on son, the Lord is also listening.
Ok, I have been bribing radio presenters for a
long time to play my songs. There is this
veteran presenter on the island that collects a
million naira and two bottles of Jack Daniels
and Black label and one box of cuban cigar
from me. He also collects hampers and makes
you promise to buy him a cake on his
birthday.
You mean he collects all these just to play
a song?
Yes father that’s what he charges.
Jesus Christ of Nazareth, what about
those musicians who can’t afford to give
him these things?
Haa! If you can’t afford it, then your songs
won’t be played no matter how good they are.
But why haven’t you musicians come
together and fight people like him? And
also, why do you keep bribing them? Is it
not the same bribery and corruption you
people are always accusing the Nigerian
police of?
Yes father I totally agree, we are no different
from the police. But how can we unite and
fight this corruption when Nigerian artists are
lily-livered. They all pay these guys and go
back grumbling in their bedrooms. And
whoever decides to speak up on their behalf
will be insulted by the same people he’s
fighting for. They will accuse you of trying to
make things difficult for them. This is really
terrible. Yes father it is really terrible.
Ok what other confessions do you have
for the Lord?
But Father, do you think the Lord can forgive
me of all these sins?
Don’t you worry yourself about that, we
will pray to Saint Anthony of Padua to
intercede for you.
Thank you father. Now let me go on. Most
times when I see that a song of a particular
artist is gaining more popularity than mine, I
call on my guys at the radio stations to stop
playing it.
And do you also pay for this?
Of course they won’t lift a finger without
money changing hands.
But don’t they see that what you
requested of them is wickedness.
No father it is not wickedness, we actually call
it survival. Ok father, what would you say if I
told you that most of our awards are lobbied
for? And most of the scandalous news you
read on blogs are leaked by entertainers to
pull down their rivals?
I’d say very interesting.
Now let me ask you a question father. Do you
believe in juju?
Boy I am a man of God and you don’t
expect me to believe in such.
So you mean if I told you that some of us
entertainers use juju to excel, would you
believe me?
Well, I have heard of such allegations,
especially with the fuji musicians but
these things can’t be substantiated.
Why do you think they can’t be substantiated?
What would you make of a musician taking a
bottle containing local dry gin, 20 naira notes,
cowries, corn seeds and alligator pepper into
the vocal booth and sipping from it and
chanting inaudible things under his breath
while singing?
I don’t have any answer to that. Just go
on with your confession. There are still
others waiting to confess their sins. And
please can you summarise this
confession? Tell me, why do you
entertainers indulge in lies and all you
have said here today?
We entertainers tell so much lies and live fake
lives because that’s what Nigerians want.
They love lies and they will even call you
mumu for speaking the truth. And the
journalists are also guilty. Asides from being
too lazy, I think they are also scared of some
of these entertainers. They rather not
investigate anything at all. Even when you tell
them a blatant lie, they won’t bother asking
questions. Now we have an industry that is
built on lies. And from the look of things, it will
stay so for a long time. That is all I have to
confess father.
Your sins have been forgiven my son. Say
the fifteen decades of the rosary and
abstain from telling lies from now on. Go
in peace to love and serve the Lord.
Inomine patri et fili et spiritus sancti.
Amen.