CHAPTER ONE

~Tuwo Village~


"Guy abeg no finish this garri because the way you dey rush am, you fit compete with Usain Bolt o" Mark said angrily as he picked up the plate of garri which they were drinking and gulped it all at once.

"Chai Mark you be bastards I swear, am sure na your mama grand mama wey been go thief meat from hunter trap nai make them curse una generation with poverty, see as you dey rush garri like goat" John teased him back.

"Shebi them say a friend of a thief, na thief him be? which means say the curse dey also flow for your bloodline too, Anuofia" Mark fired back.

"But wait o, how about the 5k wey we don get for kpon kpon work? Make we use am start business abi how you see am?"

"Na kwili kwili business abi chewing gum business we go do, money sef wey we use dey feed on nai you dey brag about. Them truly swear for you" Mark replied as he got up to lick the remaining garri particles of the plate. He believed that his tongue was greater than any sponge in this world.


"Broooossss, I don see vision" John suddenly said and jumped up to dance shoki startling Mark in the process who stared at him like a mad man.

"I think say na weed dey manifest untop people, abi garri sef don dey make person high? Wait o, shebi if person wan craze na garri them dey soak to make am well? Now wey garri don dey make person craze that means na sand sand nai person go chop to well abi? Bros abeg siddon na, no allow people to begin think say na Ebola symptoms don begin o" He warned his friend.

"Hehehe yeye boy, na new business idea wey just fling enter my head now sef, if you know how the idea good you for just follow me dey dance now" John replied and changed to skelewu dance steps.

"The only business wey I know wey you ever bring na that sugar cane business wey you convince me to do, you nearly make people burn us because them think say we be bokoharamist, abi which better idea fit enter this your head after you don carry 51 over 50 for class since wey you start school, infact your foolishness been too much sowtey the pikin wey dey your headmistress belly collect the last position from you" Mark teased him.

"Mehn na kidnapping business just enter my mind now now, na our jackpot to success be that" John answered calmly.

"Ehhhh bros now I know say garri dey refresh person brain like how ashawo dey change customers, na where you keep this part of brain since, me sef no think about this idea sef. Oboy when we go start na, because I sure say na papa Ngozi chicken and goat you wan begin kidnap" Mark replied.

"You too dey joke jare, I meant real kidnapping business, we go kidnap big man children and ask for ransom" John replied seriously.

"Now I know say devil don dey use your brain play ludo, na who you wan kidnap for this village to get money? Abi you want make them swear for you?" Mark said angrily.

"Bros calm down, who say we go kidnap here, if say Wizkid been dey sing for inside him room or for birthday party you think say him for don become big musician today, mehn you gats to upgrade o, go in search of greener pastures...."

"Ehhhh wonders shall never end, John na which time your english teacher comot from grave wey your accent change, chai oya where we go start our kidnapping business now?" Mark asked.

"Now you are speaking my language, na Abuja we go base, when we kidnap one big man pikin and collect ransom then we go run go Lasgidi wether Banky W go fit sign us for him label" John explained.

"Label ko Babel Ni? Na for otapiapia bottle nai them go feature us, eg, we go wear big eyeglass then hold bottles of mosquito medicine dey rap for hold up abi, na there nai we go dey do our concerts" Mark mocked him.

"Chai na which kin goat wey I get as roommate, sha no be room mate, I go say hut mate. But guy serious na because if I make am and you come dey check me for house I go say make them tell you say I dey do collabo with Tyga o" John fired back.

"Oyana nothing spoil but incase you fail, you go take the blame o"

"Eh no problem I gree but if I succed then na 70-30% we go share o, you gree?"

"Yes o, I gree, and if police catch us and jugde sentece us to like 10years imprisonment, just know say I go spend 3 years while you spend 7 years o" Mark replied.

They agreed on the kidnapping deal and bet to seal the deal before they went out to pack their few belongings, John took only two pair of shirts and trousers, wore tripple boxers and then waited for Mark who was packing even the cobwebs in their small hut as finally remembrance of their hardships.

They waved the area boys goodbye and took night bus to Abuja...

---

~Abuja (Garki metropolis)~

"Guy you dey piss for mouth?" John shouted into Marks ears, Mark jumped up startled.

"Oboy na sweat be this abi rain be fall inside bus?" Mark asked innoncently.

"Abeg look that car window, you go see as rain create extra moustache full you face come join with your cloth" John answered as Mark ran to look at a car's side mirror, he screamed and used his shirt to wipe the white stains on his face.

"Guy you wicked o, why you no wake me as saliva dey drop na?"

"Wake you? I for even carry bucket dey fetch am sef then we for tie am for leather go sell as internal drip for hospitals" he mocked his friend who playfully punched him.


"Oya what's next on your agenda, we don reach Abj so wetin dey next abi na random kidnapping sure pass?"

"No, you know say this na high grade kidnapping business so we go need car wey we go use carry the pikin" John explained.

"Oya na your two ears we go use do tires abi, while your waist go be my seat shey?"

"Ohh guy why you no get sense na? I dey talk of to go thief motor wey we go use for this mission"

"Chai bros ur brain hot pass sun joor, oya I thank God I bring my toy gun sef"

The pointed at a man with a prado jeep who came out and started confessing all his sins from all the girls he had slept with to all the government money he had embezzled.

"Oga so na your type dey thief our money abi?" A rugged looking youth shouted at the man when he opened his eyes.

"No baba, na the prayer point wey Father Mbaka say make we pray for middle of road this afternoon, abeg no vex joor" the man replied and tear race while a long trail of angry fellows chased him.


John and Mark had been driving round big houses for an hour before the saw a chubby handsome boy sitting on a fence with a catapult and stones.

"Oboy match brake" Mark screamed as he saw the boy.

The fence the chubby boy sat on contained a multi modern bungalow and lots of cars, the great gate showed that the owner was really wealthy, quickly they dashed out and walked slowly towards the guy.

"Hey fine boy how are you?" Mark spoke queens english, the next thing that happened turned him to an agbero immediately, the chubby boy fired a small stone to his big mouth which increased in size and width.

"Oboy your father, abeg catch am before na my nose him go stone next" Mark shouted as the dragged the boy's leg and flinged him to their side, the funny thing was that the boy showed no signs of struggling neither did he shout.

They sped like two mad men through the city as they looked for an isolated spot outside the city, finally they saw an uncompleted building and packed there, they checked the car's pigeon hole and found N10,000 there, quickly they grabbed the money and ran to open the booth, what they saw shocked them to their bone marrows.

The dude the kidnapped was not crying or choking for breath, he was fast aslepp, using Marks's bag as his pillow, his legs well crossed and his catapult was on his chest like a cacthiest. Mark followed a sharp slap to the kid's leg which made him spring up, the guarded the booth incase the guy wanted to run but the boy just lifted up his head and stared around, he noticed that they were far from home, immediately he screamed "YES" and placed his hands like he was stringing a guitar to sing.

"I feel Good Parararararara..." Phahhh, a hot slap landed on his face given to him by Mark.

"Wetin you dey feel good about, na the way you increase the pomo for my mouth abi the fact say we don kidnap me"

"Arhhh Uncle so una kidnap me? Arhhh I feel Good pararara.."

"Sharrap" Mark and John shouted at the same time.

"Guy if you misbehave we go use you do money rituals so you better ask any question wey I ask you now" John warned.

"Ok Uncle" the boy replied but still smiling and fidgeting with his catapult.

"Wetin be your name and papa name?"

"My name na Donsamtex but call me Samuel and my father name na Thomas"

"Ok that's good, your papa get money?"

"Yes Uncle, this evening them dey evem bring ten million come give am"

"Yagga this is good news, oya no worry, when your papa pay the money we go release you, no vex for the slap wey you don chop, make I buy indomie make we enjoy ourselves joor" John said while Mark was already dancing sekem into the uncompleted building.

Samuel followed them meekly as John frove out to buy indomie, five alive and other minor stuffs. While they were eating John drafted a ransom letter and gave it to Mark to read out loud.

"Dear sir Thomas

This is to inform you thaat your son has been kidnapped, we are asking for the sum of one million naira or he dies. The money should be put in a polythene bag and placed in a dust bin outside your house then walk away, if the police is involved, your son dies. The money should be ready by 6pm

Yours sincerely, The Kidnappers"


"Oboy na so you get brain, walahi if say Waec Know, them for change the D7 wey you get for engish to C6" Mark belated.

"You wey know, I be intelligent neing from birth na"

"Oya do go drop the note and be careful o, we don hammer joor, eh where Samuel?"

"Chai shebi him been siddon there, chai our money access don run, oboy follow am joor"

They rushed outside to see Samuel shooting at birds, they both gave a sigh of relief.

"Samuel wetin you dey do?"

"Brother I wan kill birds for night food na, our food don finish" Samuel replied.

Mark ran into the building to confirm it, then ran out with his hand on his head.

"Oboy this guy don ceared everything o"

"How come?" John replied.

"Uncle see my belly na, I sabi chop wella, e no even do me sef" Samuel replied.

"Oya samuel no worry, make I go buy something come back, oga Mark go keep you company, any kin thing wey you wan do him go do with you"

"Uncle thank you, I promise not to run away, infact I like as una no tie me sef" Samuel replied.

Mark gave John thumbs up as he went to deliver the ransom later...

I dne catch u.following bumper 2 bumper

CHAPTER TWO

"Madam abeg wetin dey happen here?" John asked a woman who wore Aso-ebi and Aso-ke and was cat walking into the Thomas compound, loud music was playing in the compound as the sweet smell of food ranted the air.

"Ahh you dey new here ni? Abi you never hear say Chief Thomas pikin don loss?" The woman said happily.

"Ehya who carry am na, I hope no be ritual killers?" John asked.

"The gate man say na two boys carry am run"

"Arghh dem call police?" John asked in fear.

"Police Ko!! Army Ni!! Na party we dey do now sef, on sunday dem go do thanksgiving service for church" she replied tying her wrapper well.

"Ma I no understand o" John said more confused.

"See that boy Samuel na demon, infact him and satan dey play ten ten every night, the boy no dey hear word, nobody fit pass this road if this boy dey outside, me I dey sell banana but if I pass here, Samuel go stone all my banana finish, all the area dey come dis party because this kidnappers don help us and chief Thomas carry devil comot from here o, abeg do come chop food joor" the woman said and ran inside.


"Osheeeeyyy abeg this woman dey lie joor, which big man no go pay money for him son?"

John walked to the gate and knocked, the gate man opened the door, a huge turkey lap was stucked inbetween his teeth, he was smiling with a carton of Hollandia with the other hand.

"Oga come inside na, today na R.S.V.P- Rice and stew very plenty, oga only pikin don loss, we dey celebrate joor" the gate man said.

"Oya give this letter to your boss and bring me three take away and juice make I follow enjoy joor" John replied.

The way he sped to their hideout was like a finales race in formula 1 racing, he almost passed the isolated building, when he was sure nobody fellowed him he parked the vehicle and went out.

"Mark, Samuel where una dey? Food don show" he screamed as he went inside. Nobody was around, he sat down tired and began eating one of the food.

Then he heard a faint nose, like a police man screaming.

"Oya move it, nonsense horse, move, I say move" The undisputed voice of Samuel was saying, he sat up and watched what happened next.

"Mark na who be this?" He screamed when collasped before him.

Samuel held a large cane and was riding Mark like a donkey, he was also floging him and kicking him on his ribs, Mark head had swollen like a paw paw fruit, two of his teeth were missing, his face all sober, his jean was torn at the knees and he had blisters on his palm.

"Oboy you get accident?" John asked him.

"Abeg you bring water, I dey thirsty die" Mrk managed to say before fainting again.

"Uncle this horse you gave me is very lazy o" Samuel complained.

"Sharrap" John said
"Oya go carry food chop there" he commmanded as Samuel ran along.

He gave Mark a satchet water and his juice which the guy grabbed like his life depened on it, then he managed to stargger up before saying his story.

"Oboy na demon we kidnapp o, this boy nearly kill me, as you leave us the guy come say make we play police and thief, na so I gree, him come say I go be thief den him go be police, the catapult go be him gun. Na so him fire me for head o. The thing pain me eh sowtey I no fit cry na so I come dey laugh-cry, you know as my cry dey be na? The idiot come misinterpret am, come target my teeth, na so him comot my teeth o, as I say I no dey play again na so him come beg me make we do horse and rider, mehn see my back, him don flog me like pig, half of my ribs don break finish sef, chai I don die" Mark cried out.

"Uncle this food never do me o" Samuel screamed from inside.

The both of them looked at each other and screamed the same thing with two syllabus.

"Your food
My food" Paul and Mark screamed and ran inside.

Samuel had cleared the food and was searching the leather for more, including the one that John ate and remain had finished.

"And you say no be demon we kidnap?" Mark cried out, tears seriously pouring out in hunger and pains.

"Oboy na for small boy front you dey cry o" John catiouned him.

"Even if na my wife front I must cry o" Mark cried the more.

"Oya no worry, six done almost reach, just manage the guy make I go bring the money come, we go share am 50-50" John encouraged.

"Oya abeg do fast joor before I die" Mark said and stood up.


John sped like a ferrari rider this time, he packed behind a mango tree near the dust bin and waited, at exactly six pm, the gate man walked out with two heavy stuffs in black polyethene bags and walked to the dust bin, then he dropped them, placed a note ontop and ran away.

John began dancing Etighi and Shoki at the same time, he waited for five more minutes then ran with full nitro speed and grabbed the bags and the note, as he caught his breath and smiled, patting the bag as he thought of all the good things for life he would afford. He opened the note and read out.

"Dear Kidnappers,

It is with utmost pleasure that am replying this letter, I want to thank you people for kidnapping that devil's incarnate. I have been thinking of ways to kill that boy before he kills me, my neighbours and passers by. Samuel's cloth are filled inside the two bags with you now, make sure you take care of him, and incase you get tired of him, just send him back inside this dustbin with twenty thousand naira because that would be his transport money to Kiri kiri where he belongs

Yours faithfully, Chief Thomas"

John laughed at the funny letter, then he opened the bag to confirm it, the bags were filled with Samuel's Sweater, shirt, jeans, boxers, shorts and shoe with black and white shocks, his tootpaste and brush with cream were gratefully added.

John Fainted....

When he woke up two hours later, he grabbed the note and both bags with hot tears dripping down his face as he drove back to the isolated building, then he did not care if the cops were chasing after him anymore because there was nothing to lose.

When he got into the buidling he heared Samuel shouting for somebody to rise up, like he was conducting deliverance for a patient, he rushed in to see his friend Mark spwarled on the ground almost dead, his head had grown another horn like he was acting as a devil in human clothings, he was shirtless and fresh red marks lined his body as Samuel turned white garment priset was flogging him and casting on demons.

"Uncle we dey play mad man and prophet, na uncle Mark nai mad, me dey pray for am" Samuel said happily.

Like Mark was waiting for a helper, he slowly raised his head and stared at John, his face was like he got knocked down from keke napep, additional three teeth were missing. Samuel quickly ran outside.

"Oboy if we no go share the money 90-10 percent then I go do you everything wey this boy don me today" Mark starmered.

"Oboy Mark the person wey design your face go win award for best designer of the year in Nigeria o, see as you resemble person wey wan act horror film. Oboy clean your face joor, wahala dey o" John said seriously.

"You no see say na so the factory settings of my face be? Wetin, Him no pay complete money? Abeg we go manage am like that" Mark said as John passed the note to him.

In two minutes both of them sat on the floor like two widowers, seriously weeping out their eyes.

"Walahi if say I know I for continue my kpon kpon career, now see as I come wan die for nothing" Mark weeped.

"Oboy if na so Wizkid do, him for don give up him music carreer o" John add back up.

"Oboy how we go do now, make we use am do rituals abi?" John asked.

"Rituals? Walahi babalawo go reject that cursed boy, make we carry am go back to him father, I wan confess, I get 20k wey I dey save for the past three years now, abeg carry am inside that my boxer wey I no dey gree wash, make we bundle this guy back to him papa joor" Mark said as John went to confirm and true to his words, 20k laid in the boxer.

"Oya make we catch am joor, Samuel, come play" Mark screamed with the last ounce of energy in his frail battered body.

"Uncle John, abeg make we play together, Uncle Mark dey boring" Samuel said as he got in, Mark's shirt was tied on his head like a militant.

"Ok, I gree but make you change your cloth first, your cloth dey booth" John said smiling.

"Aghh uncle thank you o, so you go even carry my cloth come, chai this is good" Samuel replied and ran out.

They quickly followed him, as he opened the booth and was about opening the bag to take his clothes out, Mark grabbed his hands while John grabbed his legs, they threw him into the bag and tied it with John's belt.

"Uncle please, I no wan go house.." Samuel was screaming and begging.

"Your yansh, na till you kill person abi, useless pikin, maybe na for dustbin your papa pick you from sef" Mark replied smiling for the first time.

They put the 20k in an envelope and drove like mad to Chief Bola's house, they stopped, picked the struggling bag and throwed him out together with the money. That was the last time the duo ever tried kidnapping business again.




Mark-Now a farmer and tailor

John-Now a houseboy and gate man.

Their music dream? Maybe till BankyW manage to hear them singing in their village choir.


Samuel-Now residing in Kirikiri VIP section prisons because no inmate could stay with him, his father is paying a weekly salary of 120,000 to the prison authorities for him to remain there.

THE END



Dedicated to Donsamtex aka Mr Samuel, My good nairaland friend and e-buddy. The brother from another mama wey I never meet yet.

Happy birthday to you and all November babies. Cheeerrrrrsssss

1st to coment,kingphilip show face o.e dne der happen 4 here

follyshade:
I dne catch u.following bumper 2 bumper

babe I dey fear u ooo, how u take catch me?

Tanks bro. Nice story

Therock5555:
babe I dey fear u ooo, how u take catch me?

don't u knw I follow u everywer u go lyk MTN

I dne laff tire,nyc write up therock

Therock5555 u dey craze big time

Since front row don dey finish, make I spread mat n Zip my alomo!




Oga Rock, ai ce ya handwork!

lol

i don laff die...
mehn MR ROCK u re.da BOMB..
.

FP please. I need peeps like this on my website.

follyshade:
I dne catch u.following bumper 2 bumper

n u no invite me ba

follyshade:
1st to coment,King Philip show face o.e dne der happen 4 here

.Tnx dear
hope u enjoyed it

LWKMD
Chai those kidnappers really enter one chance.

Guy u don make me laf soteee people dey look me for street like madman....I feel you

kingphilip:
.Tnx dear
hope u enjoyed it

I rili do enjoyed it. Therock wan break my backbone wit laff

follyshade:

I rili do enjoyed it. Therock wan break my backbone wit laff

no mind am jor

Gudam
hw was ur nyt

Hahahahahahaha

LMAO... 9ce job rock

Therock i dey vex for u o.u never finish one story [assasin creed] u jump enter this one!!

Chrisx1x:
Therock i dey vex for u o.u never finish one story [assasin creed] u jump enter this one!!

No oo dis 1 was specially written for me.
Just to wish me happy bday

MAN!!!!!! YOU ARE REALLY GOOD.
WHAT A FUNNY STORY.

Lemme pin to dis point first