*This was inspired by real events. Do drop a few comments. Danke *

I wiped the sheen of perspiration off my eyebrows for the umpteenth time, inwardly berating myself for forgetting my handkerchief at home. The Abuja sun was taking no prisoners today as it beat down on everyone mercilessly.

I was in Garki, Area 1, trying to get a car to drive me down to Nyanya, but it seemed like all the buses that plied that route decided to go on a one-day strike. I had seen a couple of taxis, but the charge was 150 naira instead of the usual 100 naira, I had already made my budget for transportation this week and there were no loopholes where I could slip in an extra 50 naira so u had to wait with the other members of Association Of Akagums.

Inwardly, I cursed the Minister of State for banning commercial buses popularly known as Araba from Abuja city, agreed, those who drove the buses were rather rascally in actions, but they served their purposes. The government had just banned them without putting into place adequate options. They had provided the BRT buses, but those were hardly enough and I hadn't seen anyone of them ply this route in weeks.

I briefly contemplated trekking down to AYA, but the heat of the sun was enough to disxourage such foolishness, I wanted to get home on time, not kill myself.

I let out a grunt of frustration as I wiped another trickling bead of sweat, once again cursing the unfortunate fellow that had banned Araba.

As if hearing my curses, a large commercial bus came driving towards us, in my eyes it looked like a golden chariot being led by immaculate white horses while the 'Halleluyah' song played in the background. I was aware that I wasn't the only one who was waiting for the bus, once it slowed down, I expected the usual race, these streets weren't for weaklings, the sharpest guys would get on that bus and be on their way to their destinations and the dulling guys would have to wait for the next bus...whenever it came around. I definitely wasn't planning on watching another car zoom past me, so I readied myself.

The bus finally slowed down, it looked full, but really, nobody cares, "Nyanya, Maraba 100 naira standing." The conductor announced, I just barely heard him though. I was too busy joining the mad rush that had ensued, a lot of pushing and shoving were involved, I was just able to squeeze myself through the door before the conductor declared to those who couldn't struggle their way in that there was no space.

The sound of the bus zooming off sounded like a sweet lullaby in my ears, once I got to Nyanya, it wouldn't be as difficult to find a bus or a car heading to my final destination- Orozo.

I stood close to a window, the cool breeze from outside drying up the sweat on my face- unfortunately, that wasn't all the breeze did. I held my breath as the stench of fish drifted my way, I was absolutely nauseated by that smell, but who was I to complain? A stander has no choice, I could only pray to reach my destination in record time- and pray I did.

The voices of two young men broke through the silent murmurs going on in the bus, "Guy, you see that goal wey Mikel been score for Champions League?"

The other replied, "Which goal? So if dem ask you you go talk say that thing na goal? Na tap in be that."

"Dem sha count am as goal, him name enter score sheet, no be so?"

"Na wetin dey sweet una for body be that, no be the guy mate dey collect World Best every year? Una dey happy say e score UCL goal wey Messi don dey score tey tey."

"The guy sha no dey try atimes."

I watched them both as best I could and paid half attention to their conversation until a female voice joined in, "Why una no fit leave Mikel? E score una complain, e no score una go still complain, make he kill himself because of una?"

I silently chuckled at her outburst, there was some truth in it, but the two guys weren't willing to take that lying down, "Come, who put your mouth for this matter? Mike, you invite this babe?"

"I no invite her o, I no know wetin her own be for here."

"My own be say una dey disturb us for here. If say una get sense when una small, maybe na una for dey Chelsea, instead una siddon dey analyse pesin wey don make am already."

I heard a few more people in the bus surrender to the temptation to chuckle at the jibes this lady was sending at the guys.

"See this one o...jesu, na you dey talk? So as you dey so, you don make am na wetin make you dey share bus with us." The first guy said.

The second- Mike, added, "Guy fashi this babe, na because of her kain girls Mikel forget naija babes go dey follow that oyibo."

"Na true, e be like say me sef go find oyibo babe."

The girl laughed, "As you broke reach, the only oyibo wey go gree marry you na all those ones wey don expire finish."

At this point, the entire bus was filled with sounds of laughter from the back and forth

"As I dey look you so, even expired oyibo go better pass you"

"Ehen now, dem go better for you, even for your next life, I still pass your power anyhow."

"Abeg make una no dey disturb my bus, send una money come front." The conductor said, more or less effectively ending the conversation. I wish it had gone on longer.

We finally arrived at the Nyanya/Maraba junction and I squeezed my way through to get off the bus. Next problem? How to get a cab to take me to my final destination

I saw the first going my way, it was somewhat full, the space left was for one, I opened the door to enter, but quickly got discouraged and changed my mind seeing that I would be sitting next to a fat woman.

Now, nothing against fat people, but they are the worst people you can sit next to in a packed car, especially when you're as tiny as I am. I wasn't looking to get crushed after a tiring day. So I waited for another cab.

I soon found another cab, thankfully the passenger seat was empty, so I eagerly hopped in. The drive was slow initially due to the traffic along the Nyanya road that was expected at this time, but as we passed through Karu, the road was void of any traffic. Jikwoyi was another story though.

We were just entering Kurudu when the driver decided that he needed another passenger to join me in the passengers' seat. And much to my chagrin, the woman who flagged him down was almost as fat as Gabourey Sidibe. I cringed inwardly knowing the fate that awaited me even as she opened the door and the driver repeatedly told me to 'shift' maybe he wanted me to sit in his lap so he could accommodate this woman.

I ended up meshed between the woman and the handbrake which was jabbing at my rib...the rest of the drive was filled with me thinking of writing to the National Assembly to create a law banning people, particulalrly women who weighed more than 85kg from inconveniencing the rest of us in public transports.

Maybe they should get their own designated cabs or something, but I was sick of paying 100 naira or more after getting squeezed.

As I got out of the car and started my short, but painful walk to my house, the only things I looked forward to was panadol and aboniki, teo of my faithful friends I usually met up with after all the wahala I went through to get home.

Hmm. Fine boi niwdog stroll in with my vodka and abacha. Safari baby i sight you

Serious transport wahala...

Naija Tinz we jez have to endure

funny but very true

naija as a country for you

Sweet
How i wish I could write.

funny

Quite hilarious. Nice narrative style. Well done.

Safarigirl, you live in Nyanya?

Pm be your address ASAP.

Dyoungstar:
Safarigirl, you live in Nyanya?

Pm be your address ASAP.

lol I don't live in Nyanya o...I live after Nyanya...na Kurudu side I dey

safarigirl:
lol I don't live in Nyanya o...I live after Nyanya...na Kurudu side I dey

All the same, pm me your number make we hookup. I just entered abj, soon leaving.

Lol! I can dey hate to dey follow fat people siddon for public transport vehicles...those fat women with children are a terrible turn off