I ve loved my husband since i was 14 years old. i think he noticed me when i got to the university in my first year.. then we started going out when i was 20. throughout our relationship, he loved me truly, because i gave him a lot of trouble. broke up with him a million times but he kept coming back, kept sending people to beg me and all... there was a time our breakup lasted for almost a year. i dated someone else, and after pestering me for a while, my husband did too..
But later, i felt, i couldnt live without him so i went back to him, and fortunately he still loved me enough to have me back.

Then i got to know about his former girlfriend.. she got pregnant along the way but aborted. he took her home to meet his parents before the abortion but tribal stuffs, they couldnt marry... i learnt all this from their whatsapp conversations, asked him about it n he affirmed. then he told me it was over with them. cool, we started planning our wedding.
a month to our wedding, i read hiis whatsapp messages again, and boy, what i saw almost broke me.
he was still seeing dis his ex.. they were still very much in love with each other, they always talked about how they wished it was the two of them getting married... even his friends at his place of work didnt know he was getting married! they knew just this lady because she worked in the same office while i was in another town entirely completing my youth service.
I told my parents, they told his parents.. family meeting... then apology. he cried. he was sorry. there was nothing i could do, so we got married.

At our honeymoon, this madam was pestering him with messages, i saw them later and then had to call her. pls try to leave him alone hez married n all. well, she didnt leave him n neither did he. they werent seeing, but they were really communicating, of which hez smarter now so its hard for me to get to read those messages.
I was pregnant n frustrated. i complained to his siblings over and over again. he told me it was out of pity and guilt, he needed to see her married before he could stop talking to her. And truthfully, it was just normal conversations nothing serious. i just felt, since he knew how much i didnt like them talking, he should stop if he actually loved me like he claimd.
Finally he stopped. we had our baby and we were very much happy and in love. then i made the mistake of telling him i trusted him, even if he chats with that lady again i wouldnt take offence. So, he started again. regular mails, asking about her relationship, who shez seeing, and all. i tried not to complain, because i had indirectly given him the go ahead. you ld see from the ladys reply that she was angry he abandoned her for sso long, but she kept on talking to him. today i poke nosed on facebook and on one of the messages he called her 'my honey'... and then he asked if he cld still call her that. at the end of the chat he wrote 'i miss u'
i dont want to think too much about it, as i m totally sure they av not seen since our wedding, but i dont like the fact that he just cant stop pinging her. cant stop talking to her. and now he wants her to b his honey again. i m worried. what do you think please.


I'm sorry its this long, av edited it a lot

cheeryangy:

Finally he stopped. we had our baby and we were very much happy and in love. then i made the mistake of telling him i trusted him, even if i see him chatting with that lady again i wouldnt take offence.

And why did you do this exactly? You already knew that's the person he really wants and if he had really stopped talking to her, why would you give him the go ahead to rekindle the feelings he was working on suppressing?

What you can do now is to flip flop one more time. Tell him to stop no ni.

honestly, i dont know. i think it was just the moment that caused it. i dont want him to know av been reading his messages again, i feel bad cause he has been showing me so much love; there shouldnt be cause for doubt

He said he wished she was the one he was marrying and you knew about this statement before you married him.

Why did you accept to be an alternative,the next best option?

Hmmm! This one is strong!
But there is always a way out to every problem!
What I found out here is that ♈όϋ married in out of pity( which is no where a criteria for marriage).I know ♈όϋ would say "we have to overlook the flaws of some people to let go" but how long will this continue!
Call him to order and talk things out, if ♈όϋ re convinced enough to go on with him, fine, if not look for the next available bus out! Cos some people don't worth it! Cos there is nothing like for bera for worst!

Whatever head/heartache you have is not because of the things you read in their chat. Its because you read his chats at all. Do so only if u have the guts to withstand whatever u find there.

On the flip side, reading the chats opened up a chance to repair some things. But since u told him you wouldn't mind, why do you now mind?


Its the distance that is keeping things between them apart. Sadly.

1. Don't trust any man.

2. Trust only God.

3. Even if you feel you believe in a man, never let him know.

Finally, arrange one of your uncles to go and marry the lady so that she can leave your hubby alone.

Finally,finally, speak with your hubby and let him sincerely know how you feel. Let him know how his actions are hurting you and pray about it.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

kreamidiva:
1. Don't trust any man.

2. Trust only God.

3. Even if you feel you believe in a man, never let him know.

Finally, arrange one of your uncles to go and marry the lady so that she can leave your hubby alone.

Finally,finally, speak with your hubby and let him sincerely know how you feel. Let him know how his actions are hurting you and pray about it.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

Lol! Good one.

@ OP, forget feeling bad and tell him you saw the messages and are not comfortable. But like KD said, until that lady gets happily married, you are probably in for a long ride.

thorpido:
He said he wished she was the one he was marrying and you knew about this statement before you married him.

Why did you accept to be an alternative,the next best option?

Im thinking the same thing too

ileobatojo:


Lol! Good one.

@ OP, forget feeling bad and tell him you saw the messages and are not comfortable. But like KD said, until that lady gets happily married, you are probably in for a long ride.

Ileobatojo, your head dey there. Even though she might get married and still want to be shinning that guy's Congo. I no trust the lady at all and op's hubby is equally interested in the lady. The only reason they have not "shinned Congo" is just distance.

One of these single guys wey dey here fit help out!
But really, smh for you op

.

kreamidiva:



Ileobatojo, your head dey there. Even though she might get married and still want to be shinning that guy's Congo. I no trust the lady at all and op's hubby is equally interested in the lady. The only reason they have not "shinned Congo" is just distance.

Very true. That's why I put happily married o. Because anything less than that...

ileobatojo:


Very true. That's why I put happily married o. Because anything less than that...

Abi o... Lol.

some Nairalanders know how to dissect, analyse other people's problems. They know how to quench the fire burning in other people's houses while leaving their own house to burn to the ground When something will not work, from the very beginning, you will know. Don't force it. Let it go and move on @op, pls stop asking us here what do we think?? ask your family what do they think? what do you plan doing? you saw fire and all you had to do was jump into it. When all this issue started, even before you got married, you should have opened a thread to ask for advice not when the deed have been done

…..And the critters start to creep in….

thorpido:
He said he wished she was the one he was marrying and you knew about this statement before you married him.

Why did you accept to be an alternative,the next best option?

The last question na story for the gods

She agreed to be second best and should live with it.

kreamidiva:



Ileobatojo, your head dey there. Even though she might get married and still want to be shinning that guy's Congo. I no trust the lady at all and op's hubby is equally interested in the lady. The only reason they have not "shinned Congo" is just distance.

That's if they haven't shined congo already,with this back and forth game they playing like tom and jerry.

@op don't be 100 percent sure yet oo, you are on a long thing cause it wunt be so easy for your hubby to open up and tell you he already had s3x with her after your marriage.

A month to your wedding you saw signs and traces of infidelity and yet you went ahead with the marriage now you here complaining.

I no even sabi wetin to type again abi which advice to give. Make I just sit down watch and learn.

I doubt if the Lady gets married they'll automatically stop talking. Its possible she feels more attracted to the man in question than the suitors that may be coming her way.

OP you have to talk to your man one way or the other as the music is still playing. It might become worse when your oga starts dancing.

You had two choices before the marriage to either leave or push through with it against all odd after finding out that he was still in love with his ex but you chose the later - #your fault.

You should stop giving yourself unnecessary headache, after all he's still doing his primary duties as your husband, you should only worry when he stops.

taryour:


That's if they haven't shined congo already,with this back and forth game they playing like tom and jerry.

@op don't be 100 percent sure yet oo, you are on a long thing cause it wunt be so easy for your hubby to open up and tell you he already had s3x with her after your marriage.

A month to your wedding you saw signs and traces of infidelity and yet you went ahead with the marriage now you here complaining.

I no even sabi wetin to type again abi which advice to give. Make I just sit down watch and learn.

U are right o! They work in the same office right? I forgot that part.

Please op, pray for your husband. I tell u, prayer works wonders. Let God put division between the two lovebirds and spiritually blind the eyes of the young woman.

Then try wearing the famous "red panties", lose weight and cook his best meals!

Good luck my dear.

thorpido:
He said he wished she was the one he was marrying and you knew about this statement before you married him.

Why did you accept to be an alternative,the next best option?

gbam. For once you have spoken with wisdom

I dont know what to say
If you were not married, I would have said walk away and find someone who will make you his number one.
When a man is firmly emotionaly involved with someone it takes the grace of God to get him off
Even if this girl gets married, there is a possibility that they will still carry on talking.
Reminds me of Prince Charles and Camilla

You have a choice, either ride it and hope and pray that it all fizzles out with time
Or you pur your foot down; a result that may go either way. Either he stops or he just gets better at hiding the evidence

Really parents should just let their children marry who they want and not force them to marry the second best person in their lives.

bennyrazz:

some Nairalanders know how to dissect, analyse other people's problems. They know how to quench the fire burning in other people's houses while leaving their own house to burn to the ground When something will not work, from the very beginning, you will know. Don't force it. Let it go and move on @op, pls stop asking us here what do we think?? ask your family what do they think? what do you plan doing? you saw fire and all you had to do was jump into it. When all this issue started, even before you got married, you should have opened a thread to ask for advice not when the deed have been done

SAMBARRY:
gbam. For once you have spoken with wisdom

For once?

Thanks everyone...
First, he promised he was over her. It was just the guilt of having her abort her baby that couldn't make him let go. He was so sorry, I had to believe him n get married.

He just acts like he's so obsessed. no matter what I say, he can't help but talk to her. Comfort her wen she has problems wit her relationships n even help her decide Wu's d best.

I hope talking to him for d umpteenth time wild help.. tanks again

Your husband is too emotionally tied to his ex and it is dangerous. You goofed by giving any type of support to his communicating with this woman who he can't seem to get of his mind.

My advise is to sit him down and discuss with him his emotional tie to this woman. He needs to see things from your perspective that he is selling you short by giving so much attention to a woman who is not his wife.

He is just very selfish and the lady here ain't to blame for anything. He made a promise. He told her his ex was past and that's why she agreed to moving on with him.

Also, nothing like emotionally tied or pity here. He is just a coward. You love a girl and you wanna marry her but your family stood between you guys and you actually walked away from such.? Na them dey marry abi na you?

Now that he has allowed them to make one of the most important decisions of his life for him. I hope he learns to keep his wandering eyes in check. Na ladies i think say dey do this kain thing...no be full grown man.

For goodness sake, he has a family already. What else does he want from the other lady?

Op. You need to call him to order but this time around with wisdom and warmt. Don't be confrontational and don't report him to anyone. Try talk to him and don't accuse him of anything. Just broach the topic and ask after her in a friendly manner..From his response, just take it from there... I know he would deny talking to her but you know otherwise. But i guess you wont go on and tell him you have been checkig his messages. Wish you goodluck.


Truth is more and more people need to learn the appropriate use of the social media and newer technologies.
I see that their misuse is causing lots of troubles for families nowadays.

kemiola89:
You had two choices before the marriage to either leave or push through with it against all odd after finding out that he was still in love with his ex but you chose the later - #your fault.

You should stop giving yourself unnecessary headache, after all he's still doing his primary duties as your husband, you should only worry when he stops .

What is his primary duties?

Protecting his wife and loving her genuinely not part of it?

Or she should close her eyes to the inevitable and allow harm to come her way? What happens if he does have conjugal relations with the ex and she happens to have a deadly STD and thus he comes home and infects her with such also.?

There are many possibilities. That's why you don't just sit back and allow "evil" have its way. Its not about him , its about her life now.

thorpido:
For once?

yes

SAMBARRY:
yes

Too much holiday merriment you must have had.

onegig:


What is his primary duties?

Protecting his wife and loving her genuinely not part of it?

Or she should close her eyes to the inevitable and allow harm to come her way? What happens if he does have conjugal relations with the ex and she happens to have a deadly STD and thus he comes home and infects her with such also.?

There are many possibilities. That's why you don't just sit back and allow "evil" have its way. Its not about him , its about her life now.

What do you suggest she do? Don't you think worrying and snooping around his phone will only cause her more harm than good?

The problem started the day she agrees to marry him even when there were glaring evidence that he was still in love with his ex. Things like these are bound to happen when a marriage is not built on TRUST, so she knew what she was in for.

Not like I'm all in support of the man's action, there are better ways of dealing with issues like this ~like your above suggestion~ without hurting herself in the process.