Wow! This is some serious analysis for any single person to read nd digest well.

When a seriously argument comes up be I nd my hubby, he makes reference to my family like we r all settled nd his r not etc nd the funny thing is that I encourage him to help but at da same time, let them not take advantage of him by being lazy

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Was struggling with bread oo!!Trying to make d darned thing,e no gree.On my 3rd attempt.Make una beg the bread gods for me naa.
I'm using the machine and it's recipes, yet my loaves are like olumo rock!

I want you to know one thing.No matter your decision,you are not a bad person.The major thing is that you are contented and as happy as possible with your choice.We all here will deifinitely give conflicting opinions based on experiences.No one can say for certain this will turn out well or this will turn out bad.Read carefully,listen to your instinct,TAKE YOUR TIME and then decide.

NB. No two families run the same way.You build your family based on the individual characteristics of you and your man.

FINANCES:
Joint or No depends on you two.Some do it successfully,some have done it and ended in a lake of fire.You need to understand what he means by joint accounts more.Does it mean,you both get paid and all of it enters the same account? Does it mean when you both get paid,you both put in a percentage into the account? What of the ATM to the account,where will it be?Who will hold it?Does it mean you will have to ask before using funds in the account?Are you both going to be joint signatories?How is he with finances?How are you with finances? These are questions you should ask before committing to anything. Whatever works for both of you is fine.Be it joint or independent finances.Depends on you two.

CHAKAMCHAKAM eating(cc babyosisi ):

I am blessed with a chakam chakam eater.I nagged the chakam out of him.I CANNOT bear mastication sounds,be it from me,from him or anyone.I even hate the sound that happens when gulping water.That's why eating chin chin is a nightmare for me.I just don't understand why a person eats noisily,it makes me go mad!! Believe me when i say that eating with mouth open can drive you crazy..At first you may be able to look past,but once married and settled it will start grating on your nerves. Occasionally, DH falls back into chakam mode but my evil eye solves the problem immediately.He's now very conscious of it and even came back one day and was telling me of a colleague that was eating like an animal,the man had chips even falling out of his mouth as he was chewing it.DH told me he was so disgusted..I laughed inside(former pot calling kettle black )

CLASS 1 :

I believe that my sisters in law have a problem with me because they think I feel big cos of the family i'm from.Dealing with people with a chip on their shoulder is hard cos no matter what you do,they can never be satisfied.Mine even want to dress me like them so that we look alike,and i don't outshine them.
If there's nothing else you take away from me,take this!!! STUDY THE FAMILY!!!.. Family members can be the life or death of any union.
If you come from a place where you eat beef bourguignon and they are used to amala & ewedu,it can cause wahala.The day you refuse to eat the amala,it will be because you are feeling too big.You may feed your man bolognese and they will say you are starving him.Please do your due diligence.Any trace of hostility or inferiority complex,RUN!! If you don't want to run,just be ready for wahala.
His mom asking you to come and cook oha on the first day of meeting you is not bad in itself,BUT it shows she is very traditional.Your bobo wanting you to change attire to meet her while the attire was alright to you also points to the same thing.It's not a bad thing at all BUT keep your eyes to the ground and know the implications.Is she nice & willing to accept you without prejudice?Are his other family members very accepting?Some traditional ones are lovely,some posh ones are agents of darkness.You have lovely posh and demonic trado ones.Find where you belong.
Is he the family saviour?? Family saviours fiances usually face issues because the family may feel the woman is there to divert cash.Do your HOMEWORK.

COOKING:
I didn't know how to cook jack before i met my DH and i didn't care.I used to say love me for me not for food.DH didn't care too.We married like that and started managing whatever.He cooks crap,i cook crap but we were happy.We used to eat out a lot.Then,i realised that he loves food and I started improving...anyone i don't cook well,our code word is 'i'm eating this food with a heart full of love'
When his mom came,she taught him how to cook some soups,she also taught me some.
Before i fell out of love with MIL,i already told her i don't know how to cook so and so,so please do and come and cook it.She never made any noise about it(at least to my face).
I'm now a master cook,errrr i just discovered today that i'd been cooking jollof rice the wrong way.hahahahahaha.There are a million food blogs to go to.I'm improving daily,and the man confesses day and night.He has the specific ones he cooks though and we are fine.
Everything depends on you and your guy.Some men like fresh food daily,I'm a cook and freeze madam.Find out what works for you and the MR.If it's too hard,hire a cook and get on with it.


CLASS 2:
There are good men in all classes of society.I say i prefer people to stick with their kind.It's easier for a man who's from a high class to marry a low class woman and try to brush her up to fit in(even at that,she may still suffer),than a man from a lower class trying to fit in with the high class woman's family.The slight jabs and digs,the pressure to keep up!It can be immense and start causing cracks in a relationship.If you were very comfy with his background,you wouldn't have issues talking with your mother about him.I don't want the guy to go in and be tortured constantly for not meeting up to the family 'ideal'.It also depends on him is he able to blend in immediately with your people?Will you be proud to walk with him into a place filled with your family members?Will he feel like the odd one out?Will he be able to be himself or have to put on an act the entire time?

If you are used to xclass and by virtue of marriage can now only afford a 505 nko?Will you both be encouraged to work harder or will you be scorned?No point in starting what you cannot finish.My Dh & I aren't different by much but he felt like the pressure from external forces were too much especially as some of his friends are married into my close extended family.I told him that i find display of wealth uncouth but he kept saying so when others are buying brand new cars and name plates for their wives,we will be here driving kpoka kpoka.The man was torturing himself for no reason as those things don't appeal to me,neither does my nuclear family care.I then urged him to relocate with me and experience how beautiful living simply is &he did.We can hop on trains,ride bikes,walk,drive,whatever as long as we have each other.When he left Naija,he felt like a weight had fallen off his shoulders,no more friends measurement,nothing.Just us two.Some families here still flogging themselves with competition,but we have our eyes fixed firmly on our goals and each other.
The point i'm trying to make is that class issues exist whether we like it or not,it just depends on how you both deal with it.If it will cause him to start behaving like a frog instead of a wall gecko,wahala go dey.If it will cause you to start hating him down the line for not being so refined,better say bye bye now.

There are exceptions to every rule,depends on the people involved and how willing they are to ignore outside forces and face themselves.I also know that those that surmount such issues usually have the titanic 'ish' kind of love.The' it's you or i die kind of love'.I'm not getting that vibe from you.Being married comes with soo much of its own issues,it's best to be uncomplicated as possible to start with.

Differences in raising kids can be sorted and ironed out.

Epidural is a medicine from the gods.Fantastic!! No need suffering unnecessary pain and screaming like a wild hog.It's your choice not his.All that natural story for his pocket.Ask him if he would like it if u stick a 20 inch tuber of yam up his a ss without anesthesia.Even ordinary rectal exam has grown men calling for amadioha not to talk of labour pains.I am still traumatised. Many.Many people encourage natural birth though but there's no prize to win for enduring the pain.Neither will the kid be smarter cos he/she is born naturally.Whatever suits you is fine once you know the pros and cons and make an informed decision.

Church can be fixed..either you start going more or he slacks..You both will find your rhythm..

You mentioned that you were 'fascinated' by him.It reminds me of an insect.Marriage is not an experiment,do all of that now while you are dating.When you both marry,he will definitely put his foot down on so many things.The things he complains of now,he will insist on when you both marry.If you are not able to compromise on them now,you will quarrel till you collapse.

Is there even anything you both see eye to eye on?What things do you both enjoy together?Do you both even share any ideals?There should be major things you both agree on. Ofcourse there will be compromises to be made but over compromising and promises of change and no change may lead to many shocks after marriage.

Look at him now,anything physical can be fixed to a manageable level but anything innate like thought process,behaviour,character will stay for ages and will take a lot to change.If you cannot envisage a happy union please think twice.You are riddled with doubts,he's making so many promises but the fact is that whoever he has been with you for the past 3 years is who he truly is.Can you live happily with that? If you cannot,it's time to move on.There will be someone to love him and his accent and co.There will be someone to love you just as you are.

- Why are you getting rid of your househelp?

Cheers!!

Preternatura1:
He involves me in most of his dealings, though I don't know exactly how much in cash, he has, I do however know a lot about his business and what it yields, I'm also open to him about my earnings.


You've been most helpful, thank you very much for the advice, I really want to say "I owe you one"

I am humbled, just dont forget to send me the invite. The financial openness thus far is okay, you only need to be more interested, grow and manage each others finances, you will know how to go about this with time perhaps it is also why he wants the joint thing. On a lighter note, did you go to church?

Madampinkolo, you deserve many Oscars for this.

This is an absolutely, fantastic and insightful post laden with home truths and real experiences of the marriage institution.

God bless you real good for this ma'am.

[quote author=Madampinkolo post=31409473] The good thing is, it is still dating only that it will be different than the former because of what she now knows. Let's be careful we dont send the wrong fear into her and she thinks it is impossible. I am glad you were also positive and gave pointers she will consider. Those differences that is being said as too much are no differencies at all because they are reconcilable. It is only a difference worth being afraid of, if they it is irreconcilable and consequently cause problem, for instance a man has anger problem, is secretive, stingy or self-centered yet his woman is the opposite, these are differencies because no matter the environment they cant change these things as they are ingrained in their personalities, at most they can be managed. But preternatura views and her man's stems from their background, if you switch their background, they will also switch views naturally. You are talking about a man who spends his formative years in the village, it thus left for her to educate him on painless childbirth and the likes, i also believe he has dropped some of the ideas he came with from the village coutesy of education and the city, learning is continous. Thesame thing with his mother who's only life is the village, it is left for her son to intimate her of how Dil are treated in the new world, again pretenatura may enjoy some of mama's old technique. Is just that preternatura has not paid attention to her personality likes to see those they both share. If she is particular and took note of his door openings and missed it with other guys shows similarities, some girls dont give a damn, if she praised his gentleness, patience, it shows likes, some girls will term it "mumu" because it is unlike them, there should be more. The thing you said about your Sil is not really poverty but contentment. Some rich people like to copy to a fault. As for the housegirl going i thought it is a temporary and or trial thing to see how far she can go without help and to also train herself to be receptive to chores.

@peternatuar1 I understand your concerns.

But the reality is that No two people are really alike . . Even 2 kids from the same parents are not alike. My friend has a set of twins. They are as different as night and day.

Hubby and I too are are different. I am rather reserved, whereby my husband is the type of person who can engage anyone anywhere . . .a people person to the core. Ko worry.
Last week he got up fromn his seat and was resolving "fights" between strangers at the Nigeria High Commission . . . me I will just sidoon look. If 2 adults want to fight in public over a chair infront of their children thats their own business.

Back to topic, the only way that these differences will work and not cause a permanent cold and hot war between both of you, is if BOTH of you are amiable towards change, are pliable and are prepared to be flexible.
We are now both different from the people that we were when we first met and its shocking to see how much we have merged into the same person

As for the class issue, from what ive seen around, its easer for the woman to marry up than for the man to marry down. This is because of an ego issue that a lot of men have. Many men will feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from their inlaws, but a wife wouldnt have an issue accepting a gift from her inlaws.
I have also seen instances where the man takes his frustrations out on the wife and every single thing that every single person does on the wifes side is taken as a disrespect even in cases where it isnt.
So this is an area that you need to look at. Your neice that told your man to keep quiet was rude by the way. Dont let anyone disrespect your man or they will keep on doing it for the rest of the marriage and this will frustrate him greatly. The start of a lot of marriage breakdowns are linked back to this

You also need to be sure that all the things he is conceeding to now is genuine and he is not just saying yes yes yes because he wants to marry you and once he is married he will start to put his foot down and say NO and then you both get into a battle of wits for years.

You also need to be realistic. The world is not just about you and your family and your ideas. I dont mean this in a rude way pls.
No one/family is 100% and all have their flaws no matter how minor. So you need to take time to sit down and think about some of the things that he is saying. Do you need to change some things? I dont know.
Bearing that in mind, You also should not totally loose your identity, (either of you) so there must be a balance.

Bottomline is that you need to take time and a good long think about things, Nothing is minor. Weigh things up properly and try as much as possible to look into the future and where you see things going & not just today. Marriage is long term and this is the man that you will spend most of the better part of your life with. This is the "item" that will be with you the longest in your life. No car, jewellery or item will outlast your marriage.

Its good that you are taking time to think this over and not just jumping in. You both need to change and be flexible. That is the most important thing. Neither of you can be rigid in your veiws and be ready to embrace change or it wont work.

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Was struggling with bread oo!!Trying to make d darned thing,e no gree.On my 3rd attempt.Make una beg the bread gods for me naa.
I'm using the machine and it's recipes, yet my loaves are like olumo rock!

I want you to know one thing.No matter your decision,you are not a bad person.The major thing is that you are contented and as happy as possible with your choice.We all here will deifinitely give conflicting opinions based on experiences.No one can say for certain this will turn out well or this will turn out bad.Read carefully,listen to your instinct,TAKE YOUR TIME and then decide.

NB. No two families run the same way.You build your family based on the individual characteristics of you and your man.

FINANCES:
Joint or No depends on you two.Some do it successfully,some have done it and ended in a lake of fire.You need to understand what he means by joint accounts more.Does it mean,you both get paid and all of it enters the same account? Does it mean when you both get paid,you both put in a percentage into the account? What of the ATM to the account,where will it be?Who will hold it?Does it mean you will have to ask before using funds in the account?Are you both going to be joint signatories?How is he with finances?How are you with finances? These are questions you should ask before committing to anything. Whatever works for both of you is fine.Be it joint or independent finances.Depends on you two.

CHAKAMCHAKAM eating(cc babyosisi ):

I am blessed with a chakam chakam eater.I nagged the chakam out of him.I CANNOT bear mastication sounds,be it from me,from him or anyone.I even hate the sound that happens when gulping water.That's why eating chin chin is a nightmare for me.I just don't understand why a person eats noisily,it makes me go mad!! Believe me when i say that eating with mouth open can drive you crazy..At first you may be able to look past,but once married and settled it will start grating on your nerves. Occasionally, DH falls back into chakam mode but my evil eye solves the problem immediately.He's now very conscious of it and even came back one day and was telling me of a colleague that was eating like an animal,the man had chips even falling out of his mouth as he was chewing it.DH told me he was so disgusted..I laughed inside(former pot calling kettle black )

CLASS 1 :

I believe that my sisters in law have a problem with me because they think I feel big cos of the family i'm from.Dealing with people with a chip on their shoulder is hard cos no matter what you do,they can never be satisfied.Mine even want to dress me like them so that we look alike,and i don't outshine them.
If there's nothing else you take away from me,take this!!! STUDY THE FAMILY!!!.. Family members can be the life or death of any union.
If you come from a place where you eat beef bourguignon and they are used to amala & ewedu,it can cause wahala.The day you refuse to eat the amala,it will be because you are feeling too big.You may feed your man bolognese and they will say you are starving him.Please do your due diligence.Any trace of hostility or inferiority complex,RUN!! If you don't want to run,just be ready for wahala.
His mom asking you to come and cook oha on the first day of meeting you is not bad in itself,BUT it shows she is very traditional.Your bobo wanting you to change attire to meet her while the attire was alright to you also points to the same thing.It's not a bad thing at all BUT keep your eyes to the ground and know the implications.Is she nice & willing to accept you without prejudice?Are his other family members very accepting?Some traditional ones are lovely,some posh ones are agents of darkness.You have lovely posh and demonic trado ones.Find where you belong.
Is he the family saviour?? Family saviours fiances usually face issues because the family may feel the woman is there to divert cash.Do your HOMEWORK.

COOKING:
I didn't know how to cook jack before i met my DH and i didn't care.I used to say love me for me not for food.DH didn't care too.We married like that and started managing whatever.He cooks crap,i cook crap but we were happy.We used to eat out a lot.Then,i realised that he loves food and I started improving...anyone i don't cook well,our code word is 'i'm eating this food with a heart full of love'
When his mom came,she taught him how to cook some soups,she also taught me some.
Before i fell out of love with MIL,i already told her i don't know how to cook so and so,so please do and come and cook it.She never made any noise about it(at least to my face).
I'm now a master cook,errrr i just discovered today that i'd been cooking jollof rice the wrong way.hahahahahaha.There are a million food blogs to go to.I'm improving daily,and the man confesses day and night.He has the specific ones he cooks though and we are fine.
Everything depends on you and your guy.Some men like fresh food daily,I'm a cook and freeze madam.Find out what works for you and the MR.If it's too hard,hire a cook and get on with it.


CLASS 2:
There are good men in all classes of society.I say i prefer people to stick with their kind.It's easier for a man who's from a high class to marry a low class woman and try to brush her up to fit in(even at that,she may still suffer),than a man from a lower class trying to fit in with the high class woman's family.The slight jabs and digs,the pressure to keep up!It can be immense and start causing cracks in a relationship.If you were very comfy with his background,you wouldn't have issues talking with your mother about him.I don't want the guy to go in and be tortured constantly for not meeting up to the family 'ideal'.It also depends on him is he able to blend in immediately with your people?Will you be proud to walk with him into a place filled with your family members?Will he feel like the odd one out?Will he be able to be himself or have to put on an act the entire time?

If you are used to xclass and by virtue of marriage can now only afford a 505 nko?Will you both be encouraged to work harder or will you be scorned?No point in starting what you cannot finish.My Dh & I aren't different by much but he felt like the pressure from external forces were too much especially as some of his friends are married into my close extended family.I told him that i find display of wealth uncouth but he kept saying so when others are buying brand new cars and name plates for their wives,we will be here driving kpoka kpoka.The man was torturing himself for no reason as those things don't appeal to me,neither does my nuclear family care.I then urged him to relocate with me and experience how beautiful living simply is &he did.We can hop on trains,ride bikes,walk,drive,whatever as long as we have each other.When he left Naija,he felt like a weight had fallen off his shoulders,no more friends measurement,nothing.Just us two.Some families here still flogging themselves with competition,but we have our eyes fixed firmly on our goals and each other.
The point i'm trying to make is that class issues exist whether we like it or not,it just depends on how you both deal with it.If it will cause him to start behaving like a frog instead of a wall gecko,wahala go dey.If it will cause you to start hating him down the line for not being so refined,better say bye bye now.

There are exceptions to every rule,depends on the people involved and how willing they are to ignore outside forces and face themselves.I also know that those that surmount such issues usually have the titanic 'ish' kind of love.The' it's you or i die kind of love'.I'm not getting that vibe from you.Being married comes with soo much of its own issues,it's best to be uncomplicated as possible to start with.

Differences in raising kids can be sorted and ironed out.

Epidural is a medicine from the gods.Fantastic!! No need suffering unnecessary pain and screaming like a wild hog.It's your choice not his.All that natural story for his pocket.Ask him if he would like it if u stick a 20 inch tuber of yam up his a ss without anesthesia.Even ordinary rectal exam has grown men calling for amadioha not to talk of labour pains.I am still traumatised. Many.Many people encourage natural birth though but there's no prize to win for enduring the pain.Neither will the kid be smarter cos he/she is born naturally.Whatever suits you is fine once you know the pros and cons and make an informed decision.

Church can be fixed..either you start going more or he slacks..You both will find your rhythm..

You mentioned that you were 'fascinated' by him.It reminds me of an insect.Marriage is not an experiment,do all of that now while you are dating.When you both marry,he will definitely put his foot down on so many things.The things he complains of now,he will insist on when you both marry.If you are not able to compromise on them now,you will quarrel till you collapse.

Is there even anything you both see eye to eye on?What things do you both enjoy together?Do you both even share any ideals?There should be major things you both agree on. Ofcourse there will be compromises to be made but over compromising and promises of change and no change may lead to many shocks after marriage.

Look at him now,anything physical can be fixed to a manageable level but anything innate like thought process,behaviour,character will stay for ages and will take a lot to change.If you cannot envisage a happy union please think twice.You are riddled with doubts,he's making so many promises but the fact is that whoever he has been with you for the past 3 years is who he truly is.Can you live happily with that? If you cannot,it's time to move on.There will be someone to love him and his accent and co.There will be someone to love you just as you are.

- Why are you getting rid of your househelp?

Cheers!!

Omg! As serious as the matter is, I was laughing all the way reading this, you are gifted Ms, this was fun to read and I thank you earnestly for that. .

I wish I knew a way to soften your bread, sounds like what happened one time my girl was trying out a banana bread recipe, the crust on the bread is just indescribable , I hope you get it right.


FINANCES

Questions like the ones you posed, is basically why I couldn't say anything on the subject, I hadn't thought about it. I will put all these in consideration before deciding on what to do, I'd still love to have an independent account, should I decide to have a joint one with him. Wow! No one ever really told me marriage is this much hard work, I kinda feel exhausted, is that normal?


CHAKAMCHAKAM eating
Get out of my head already on the mastication sounds, jeez! This was the very first thing I noticed I didn't like about him, I decided I wasn't going to continue dating him because of this after a couple of dates, I actually started avoiding his calls, till he was standing at my door one blessed evening, then the subject came up, he was very embarrassed and said he'd change, he became conscious of it but still, sometimes he just gets carried away and just like you, I give him the look or kick his leg a little under the table and he adjusts. Over all, it's way way better now than it used to be, I just wished before this thread that I didn't have to remind him, I'll keep doing my part.

CLASS 1
From what I know about his family, he is the only child his mum had for his dad, the man died when he was a still a baby, she remarried and has 5 other children for her hubby(3 girls & 2 boys)now grown up, 3 married and the other 2 are still in the university. To be honest, I don't know much about them as I've only met them on few occasions at his place, we just exchanged pleasantries, I know he contributes to their upkeep but I don't really ask. His mum I've only met twice, at her house and at their family event(his half sister's wedding), she seems nice. I didn't eat any food at the reception, he said I wouldn't like it, but I ate at his mum's(jellof rice) it tasted nice, she was actually preparing it when we arrived, guess that's why she asked me to help with the soup. Does studying his family mean I have to spend more time with them now that I'm considering marrying him?


COOKING
He cooks well but not really what I'm used to, when he's at my place, he tells my girl to teach him, he's a pretty fast learner but complains that most of what I'm used to, come with too many strange ingredients , I've also learnt how to cook some of what he likes, I can cook okra, beef stew, he loves beans with plantain in it,african breadfruit(i don't cook this), Yam eaten with egg sauce, his favorite is oha but it's such a hard dish to make, it's time consuming and I don't get how to work the leaves, he says if you do it wrong it becomes bitter, wtf? , he's been trying to teach me since his mum's and someday I'll get the hang of it. I have decided I'll cook the ones I can and have someone else do the rest, good thing is, he's not really choosy and I can use this to my advantage.

CLASS 2
Hmmm, He's a handsome man with very nice skin, he's above 6ft tall, he's generally easy on the eyes, I'm not ashamed to walk beside him at all, he's not much of a talker, the only thing I'm really worried about is that he doesn't say things like "epidural is defying nature, it's not proper that a girl doesn't know how to cook, a woman should not miss sunday services" to my mum's hearing, mother was almost always away on business trips/meetings, she doesn't believe in religion and is half-breed(European American and Nigerian), she understands Nigerian culture though, she's just the one I really want him to impress and he knows this, my dad is the best man ever, I know he'll love my bf so I'm not worried there, most people in my extended family often mind their businesses, they are polite but some people from my dad's end can be a tad bit annoying, we wouldn't have to see them always so he doesn't have to put up with them, I won't allow that. My bf has money but he's just a conservative spender who is leaning towards spending more, he just likes to choose what he spends his money on very wisely. I have my own money too and my parents don't particularly have a problem with chipping in once in a while so, I won't have to give up the kinda things I'm used to entirely, would I?He does say I can be wasteful on spending but it's not really his money and he doesn't get angry about it so I believe we are fine in this regard, ultimately, my immediate family is the most important here and they'll support me, if a life with this man is what I want.

The way he wants to raise the kid I can live with, it's just the flogging part that I had a problem with, he says the kids will do little little chores and go to church, I'm down with that.

His opinion on epidural is just his opinion,just like many others he has, he's not forceful with them at all, I just feel my family will find some of them crude but having read all I have here, I guess I was just worried because most people I know are like me.

He loves soccer and I share his passion, we watch movies a lot, the first time he sky dived, I talked him into it and he looks forward to doing it again,I do charity and it's an idea he loves, he just likes to make sure his money ends up in the right pockets.
He runs some of his business ideas by me and asks my opinion on them.

I'm letting her go for a few weeks just to see how well I can do without any help in the house, though I doubt I won't ask the gatekeeper for some help but it won't be the same without my girl.

I will do as advised and continue to work on some of the things that can be worked on.
You know, since this thread and yesterday, I'm starting to feel like it's all new again, like I'm on a discovery journey and I'm starting to see some things I didn't see initially, he makes me laugh a lot, he can be very goofy.

I'm so thankful to you for taking the time to really address my issues, y'all should be marriage counselors, I'm so glad our paths crossed albeit only online, still I'm very grateful, thank you again.

There are not enough reasons to bolt out. The grammar can be worked on. If he is responsible for the whole family, thinking for a future could be really challenging. Is he the first son or only son? The baggage alone of carrying the headache the parent would give, troubles from sibliings and societal pressure aint easy. It aint easy for a man in this part of the world especial if you are not earning a comfortable pay. However, he needs to be decisive.

Chinum:


Yea, I just called it off, nt just a bf/gf r/ship, more like 2 adults looking 2wards settling down. I'd say, he is a good man although I think the question is kind of relative, I just want to know if those were good enough reasons to bolt out. Thanks Pido.

Floodgater:
I am humbled, just dont forget to send me the invite. The financial openness thus far is okay, you only need to be more interested, grow and manage each others finances, you will know how to go about this with time perhaps it is also why he wants the joint thing. On a lighter note, did you go to church?

You will be treated as a vvip, I will make sure of that , you are awesom, i'll keep you posted on here.

We didn't go to church, we were out late and kinda slept in, we'll go next week I promise.

chaircover:
@peternatuar1 I understand your concerns.

But the reality is that No two people are really alike . . Even 2 kids from the same parents are not alike. My friend has a set of twins. They are as different as night and day.

Hubby and I too are are different. I am rather reserved, whereby my husband is the type of person who can engage anyone anywhere . . .a people person to the core. Ko worry.
Last week he got up fromn his seat and was resolving "fights" between strangers at the Nigeria High Commission . . . me I will just sidoon look. If 2 adults want to fight in public over a chair infront of their children thats their own business.

Back to topic, the only way that these differences will work and not cause a permanent cold and hot war between both of you, is if BOTH of you are amiable towards change, are pliable and are prepared to be flexible.
We are now both different from the people that we were when we first met and its shocking to see how much we have merged into the same person

As for the class issue, from what ive seen around, its easer for the woman to marry up than for the man to marry down. This is because of an ego issue that a lot of men have. Many men will feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from their inlaws, but a wife wouldnt have an issue accepting a gift from her inlaws.
I have also seen instances where the man takes his frustrations out on the wife and every single thing that every single person does on the wifes side is taken as a disrespect even in cases where it isnt.
So this is an area that you need to look at. Your neice that told your man to keep quiet was rude by the way. Dont let anyone disrespect your man or they will keep on doing it for the rest of the marriage and this will frustrate him greatly. The start of a lot of marriage breakdowns are linked back to this

You also need to be sure that all the things he is conceeding to now is genuine and he is not just saying yes yes yes because he wants to marry you and once he is married he will start to put his foot down and say NO and then you both get into a battle of wits for years.

You also need to be realistic. The world is not just about you and your family and your ideas. I dont mean this in a rude way pls.
No one/family is 100% and all have their flaws no matter how minor. So you need to take time to sit down and think about some of the things that he is saying. Do you need to change some things? I dont know.
Bearing that in mind, You also should not totally loose your identity, (either of you) so there must be a balance.

Bottomline is that you need to take time and a good long think about things, Nothing is minor. Weigh things up properly and try as much as possible to look into the future and where you see things going & not just today. Marriage is long term and this is the man that you will spend most of the better part of your life with. This is the "item" that will be with you the longest in your life. No car, jewellery or item will outlast your marriage.

Its good that you are taking time to think this over and not just jumping in. You both need to change and be flexible. That is the most important thing. Neither of you can be rigid in your veiws and be ready to embrace change or it wont work.

Thank you ma'am.

I will be very observant and continue to work on the relationship with him.

I don't mean to argue with you please so don't misunderstand me, the little girl said "please" I think she was just frustrated that she couldn't hear the characters in the cartoon she was watching, that's part of what I'm talking about, he sometimes gets carried away, he really was loud with his laugh because I heard him from the kitchen, I'm not defending my niece btw, he just expected her to not say anything because he is older, he termed it a child talking back to someone older because the girl protested when he tried to caution her about repeating such, she said "but you were being too loud and I couldn't hear the tv", I don't think that was rude at all, or maybe it's the way I was raised?

He doesn't really have any complains about my family so far, he just thinks we are more "white" than Nigerian. I won't let anyone disrespect him, though he hasn't spent that much time with them, we'll start doing that henceforth to know if there are somethings he'll have issues with.

Thank you for your time.

MzStunner, I must commend you for that write up.

I used to be like that not until after I lost out on three wonderful, exceptional, excellent and good women(I HAVE LEARNT MY LESSON). I wanted someone that must be a graduate, speaks good english, good looking a bit above my class. The first girl, a deadly cook, caring, words of encouragement.
The second girl, not so beautiful with deadly curves in the right places, very neat, dangerous cook &exceptionally caring.
The third girl, smart, sharp, do not write good english, matured despite her age, was able to handle my craziness & changed my dress sense
Now, I forgot that it was my dad that trained my mum in the university during our teenage years. Some girls do not give a hoot about your money. Respect, love, care and love God is all they want.

Please allow me to address young women out there, on the subject of cooking.

Every woman should know how to cook.

You are not learning how to cook to become a wife, you are learning to how to cook in order to take care of yourself. How can you claim to be independent and cannot feed yourself? Cooking (and doing it well) is an accomplishment, just like speaking fluent French, getting a degree, buying your car, being able to pay your rent.

I am unsure of this trend whereby lack of skills in the kitchen is equated to being of a very high social class. It is antiquated.

Btw every man should know how to cook as well.

Oyegun's daughter can cook. Okoya's daughter can cook. Tinubu's daughter can cook. Jim Ovia's eldest daughter can cook. Nana Attah (I won't mention her married name) will certainly make sure her girls can cook something. Akenzua's daughters can cook. I could keep going on with the names. Granted, they may not do it often, but even those of us that had chefs in our homes (plus maids) had to know enough to be able to describe how we wanted our meals. According to a friend's motto, "Even if na only Egusi you fit make, at least you can make the best, d*mn Egusi soup in the world".

Dangote's son is expecting you to at least enter his kitchen and come out with more than Indomie, from time to time.

My hubby's family and several of my friends' (with parents who were comfortable, wealthy, stinking rich and some who were even foreign) went even further to insist on no maids while growing up. It didn't take anything away from their children's perceived "poshness".

You should be able to manage your finances. Before you get married. If I meet a lady in my brother's house who cannot tell me whether or not she has a savings account, I will tell my bro "you've not found the one". Or perhaps you are the type of lady that thinks "I will need to make more money in order to afford the finer things in life". Good luck with that. Because even if you earn N1mil monthly, and you spend N800,000 monthly, you're still poor.

If you cannot get over the little things, don't get married. Seriously. Everytime I complained about something my mum did, one of sisters would tell me "if you can't live with her, forget that wedding gown. Even your kids will have character flaws you won't like.". Everyone has what drives them up the wall. To each their own.

I've made an analogy to Team Building and Leadership. There's no room for 2 captains in a ship. Please feel free to burn a bra in vex or castigate me for being truthful.

I won't say anymore on this thread. Perhaps I am an old-fashioned dragon...

And in delightful news, it is International Women's day and Mr Onegai has made me lunch (indomie and sweet corn, with a white wine) Go Mr Onegai!

Hi Ms onegai, it's nice to read from you again.

Please understand that I'm in no way advocating that women don't cook, that's not it at all.

You see, there have been days I wished I know how to cook whatever I wanted to eat, my not knowing how to cook is not entirely by choice, it just somehow never happened when I was growing up, I am able to cook the ones I can today because I developed the zeal to learn along the way, it's true my bf influenced me but still, I'm learning not because I want to get married as my married sister doesn't cook, the same can be said for my mum, I do have some friends that know how to, it just never was part of the program in my home and this is because of the mum I have, this hopefully won't be the case with my kids.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I can manage my finances, my bf just has a different kind of taste is all.

Don't pick offense please but you sound kinda angry, why would anyone castigate you for saying what you feel?

Good day everyone, I really dont want to create a thread for this but I believe I would get advice from here.

Please I need to know how to advise my flat-mate. We have been living together for some months now and have built a relationship. It all started in December when we wanted to go our parents for christmas, she travelled to the east and I went to my house still in Lagos but quite far from town and I jokingly added 'bring husband ooo from the village'.

By early January I was back to the apartment to resume There was strike so she stayed back at the village but I was shocked when she called about a week after I got back that she is escorting her hubby to Lagos and he would come to know where she stays before he leaves( His flight to the UK was the next day). I was shocked, husband how come within 3-4 weeks , I knew I would hear the full story when she came .Anyway the guy came after he left I asked her whats up she said she dated him once in the past but didnt continue since he was out of the country and he was not coming home soon and when he saw her late december he was talking about marriage etc.

I was like okay so you have now married him, she said they came to 'knock' I guess thats introduction. I was relieved but then I realised there was more to the story than what she was saying then she said he has somebody over there. I was like ehn thats not okay now. But she was saying she doesn't mind he would come home twice in a year. I asked what about companionship etc she felt comfortable with it so I kept quiet but I was just wondering how she would accept such . She even asked if I can do it and I said NO.

She went back to her people at the village the next day and came back in february when the strike was called off. I was still looking for a way to discourage her from the relationship when she complained some days back about the guy.

I saw it as the opportunity it was and then spoke to her, I asked her if she is sure about the guy when she said its too late that she thinks shes pregnant. I didnt know what to say again. she was scared because of her family and shame and all of that and abortion is not an option

I had thought the pregnancy was just the issue but the shocker came this morning that the guy is planning to marry the lady for citizenship since his papers are expiring soon (and the lady has a 4year old child for him). And even the guys mum knows about it and told her that she should not let the foreign wife know that he has a nigerian wife. Infact she told me he had been planning to marry the lady and his family members were coming over to witness it but she didnt know she just knew he had a baby mama over there.

And the guy is saying its not a big deal because people are doing it. Now shes saying she wants them to quickly pay the bride price so she can be the real wife and it seems the guys people will come for list this week. Her family doesnt know about the guys foreign lady and the pregnancy.she says she doesnt want to have a child outside wedlock. Anyway the guy still wantsvto go ahead with the foreigner and also her.


I honestly dont know what to advise her.
I know marrying that guy would be a mistake,she doesnt want to be a single mother and as she is now shes kind of depressed although not showing it. She has a good job and can take care of the baby but then.... I cant tell her mum that would be breach of confidence.

I

Please what or how can I advise her.

I used to think these things happen only on Nairaland

Preternatura1:
Hi Ms onegai, it's nice to read from you again.

Please understand that I'm in no way advocating that women don't cook, that's not it at all.

You see, there have been days I wished I know how to cook whatever I wanted to eat, my not knowing how to cook is not entirely by choice, it just somehow never happened when I was growing up, I am able to cook the ones I can today because I developed the zeal to learn along the way, it's true my bf influenced me but still, I'm learning not because I want to get married as my married sister doesn't cook, the same can be said for my mum, I do have some friends that know how to, it just never was part of the program in my home and this is because of the mum I have, this hopefully won't be the case with my kids.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I can manage my finances, my bf just has a different kind of taste is all.

Don't pick offense please but you sound kinda angry, why would anyone castigate you for saying what you feel?

My dear I'm not angry with anyone. I was speaking to every young woman out there, reading this, I'm sure I mentioned it.

yetseyi:
Good day everyone, I really dont want to create a thread for this but I believe I would get advice from here.

Please I need to know how to advise my flat-mate. We have been living together for some months now and have built a relationship. It all started in December when we wanted to go our parents for christmas, she travelled to the east and I went to my house still in Lagos but quite far from town and I jokingly added 'bring husband ooo from the village'.

By early January I was back to the apartment to resume There was strike so she stayed back at the village but I was shocked when she called about a week after I got back that she is escorting her hubby to Lagos and he would come to know where she stays before he leaves( His flight to the UK was the next day). I was shocked, husband how come within 3-4 weeks , I knew I would hear the full story when she came .Anyway the guy came after he left I asked her whats up she said she dated him once in the past but didnt continue since he was out of the country and he was not coming home soon and when he saw her late december he was talking about marriage etc.

I was like okay so you have now married him, she said they came to 'knock' I guess thats introduction. I was relieved but then I realised there was more to the story than what she was saying then she said he has somebody over there. I was like ehn thats not okay now. But she was saying she doesn't mind he would come home twice in a year. I asked what about companionship etc she felt comfortable with it so I kept quiet but I was just wondering how she would accept such . She even asked if I can do it and I said NO.

She went back to her people at the village the next day and came back in february when the strike was called off. I was still looking for a way to discourage her from the relationship when she complained some days back about the guy.

I saw it as the opportunity it was and then spoke to her, I asked her if she is sure about the guy when she said its too late that she thinks shes pregnant. I didnt know what to say again. she was scared because of her family and shame and all of that and abortion is not an option

I had thought the pregnancy was just the issue but the shocker came this morning that the guy is planning to marry the lady for citizenship since his papers are expiring soon (and the lady has a 4year old child for him). And even the guys mum knows about it and told her that she should not let the foreign wife know that he has a nigerian wife. Infact she told me he had been planning to marry the lady and his family members were coming over to witness it but she didnt know she just knew he had a baby mama over there.

And the guy is saying its not a big deal because people are doing it. Now shes saying she wants them to quickly pay the bride price so she can be the real wife and it seems the guys people will come for list this week. Her family doesnt know about the guys foreign lady and the pregnancy.she says she doesnt want to have a child outside wedlock. Anyway the guy still wantsvto go ahead with the foreigner and also her.


I honestly dont know what to advise her.
I know marrying that guy would be a mistake,she doesnt want to be a single mother and as she is now shes kind of depressed although not showing it. She has a good job and can take care of the baby but then.... I cant tell her mum that would be breach of confidence.

I

Please what or how can I advise her.

I used to think these things happen only on Nairaland

how old is she

babyosisi:


E speaki lekwe !!!!

Tosh o chu umu nwanyi
Hands off
Uzo Adighi dia cha cha
Ga choro kwa ndi owu gi na ha
I no dia n'eme Anya ura,onye ozo e move u o sharp mee the babe occupy
Umu nwanyi ndi ocha I chuwara kemgbe from Cardiff ,ga luta ofu

E speaki lekwe

Tosh ejighi ahu. Eziokwu

Onegai:


My dear I'm not angry with anyone. I was speaking to every young woman out there, reading this, I'm sure I mentioned it.

Oh okay, my bad.

Yadoctora:


how old is she

she should be 29.

toshmann:


The way Cleopatra helped McAnthony

Tosh hapu nwanyi mmadu aka.

@madampinkonlo: "I nagged the chakam out of him"

Lord have mercy
You're very funny.

yetseyi:

she should be 29.

I think she is blinded by desperation, that is what it looks like. Other than that i see no reason why a young lady would willingly want to go into such a complicated marriage. I honestly do not think she even wants to be advised, it seems to me that she has taken a decision already. Besides, she is already pregnant.

Let her not commit herself to that man.
Hmm.
She's just signing up for a life of misery.

I know one that pretends to be her husband's sister anytime he visits Nigeria with his American wife.

How desperate and pathetic is that?

yetseyi:
Good day everyone, I really dont want to create a thread for this but I believe I would get advice from here.

Please I need to know how to advise my flat-mate. We have been living together for some months now and have built a relationship. It all started in December when we wanted to go our parents for christmas, she travelled to the east and I went to my house still in Lagos but quite far from town and I jokingly added 'bring husband ooo from the village'.

By early January I was back to the apartment to resume There was strike so she stayed back at the village but I was shocked when she called about a week after I got back that she is escorting her hubby to Lagos and he would come to know where she stays before he leaves( His flight to the UK was the next day). I was shocked, husband how come within 3-4 weeks , I knew I would hear the full story when she came .Anyway the guy came after he left I asked her whats up she said she dated him once in the past but didnt continue since he was out of the country and he was not coming home soon and when he saw her late december he was talking about marriage etc.

I was like okay so you have now married him, she said they came to 'knock' I guess thats introduction. I was relieved but then I realised there was more to the story than what she was saying then she said he has somebody over there. I was like ehn thats not okay now. But she was saying she doesn't mind he would come home twice in a year. I asked what about companionship etc she felt comfortable with it so I kept quiet but I was just wondering how she would accept such . She even asked if I can do it and I said NO.

She went back to her people at the village the next day and came back in february when the strike was called off. I was still looking for a way to discourage her from the relationship when she complained some days back about the guy.

I saw it as the opportunity it was and then spoke to her, I asked her if she is sure about the guy when she said its too late that she thinks shes pregnant. I didnt know what to say again. she was scared because of her family and shame and all of that and abortion is not an option

I had thought the pregnancy was just the issue but the shocker came this morning that the guy is planning to marry the lady for citizenship since his papers are expiring soon (and the lady has a 4year old child for him). And even the guys mum knows about it and told her that she should not let the foreign wife know that he has a nigerian wife. Infact she told me he had been planning to marry the lady and his family members were coming over to witness it but she didnt know she just knew he had a baby mama over there.

And the guy is saying its not a big deal because people are doing it. Now shes saying she wants them to quickly pay the bride price so she can be the real wife and it seems the guys people will come for list this week. Her family doesnt know about the guys foreign lady and the pregnancy.she says she doesnt want to have a child outside wedlock. Anyway the guy still wantsvto go ahead with the foreigner and also her.


I honestly dont know what to advise her.
I know marrying that guy would be a mistake,she doesnt want to be a single mother and as she is now shes kind of depressed although not showing it. She has a good job and can take care of the baby but then.... I cant tell her mum that would be breach of confidence.

I

Please what or how can I advise her.

I used to think these things happen only on Nairaland

]

cococandy:
Let her not commit herself to that man.
Hmm.
She's just signing up for a life of misery.
I know one that pretends to be her husband's sister anytime he visits Nigeria with his American wife.
How desperate and pathetic is that?

^^^^^^^^ is my challenge with the whole kangaroo arrangement . I would have said she should have her baby and take care of it and hope to marry a proper man. She wants to cover shame and is deceiving her whole family in the process and also getting into a hotter mess. I just dont know.

delightful1:

I think she is blinded by desperation, that is what it looks like. Other than that i see no reason why a young lady would willingly want to go into such a complicated marriage. I honestly do not think she even wants to be advised, it seems to me that she has taken a decision already. Besides, she is already pregnant.

okay then

delightful1:

I think she is blinded by desperation, that is what it looks like. Other than that i see no reason why a young lady would willingly want to go into such a complicated marriage. I honestly do not think she even wants to be advised, it seems to me that she has taken a decision already. Besides, she is already pregnant.

Desperation at 29? Some people will just deliberately walk into fire and expect not to be burnt.

It is well

Preternatura1:
Hi Ms onegai, it's nice to read from you again.

Please understand that I'm in no way advocating that women don't cook, that's not it at all.

You see, there have been days I wished I know how to cook whatever I wanted to eat, my not knowing how to cook is not entirely by choice, it just somehow never happened when I was growing up, I am able to cook the ones I can today because I developed the zeal to learn along the way, it's true my bf influenced me but still, I'm learning not because I want to get married as my married sister doesn't cook, the same can be said for my mum, I do have some friends that know how to, it just never was part of the program in my home and this is because of the mum I have, this hopefully won't be the case with my kids.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I can manage my finances, my bf just has a different kind of taste is all.

Don't pick offense please but you sound kinda angry, why would anyone castigate you for saying what you feel?

my dear, I didn't cook for once in my parents house until after I got married. I learnt how to cook wen I got to d higher institution( thanks to my room mates) and overtime I became an expert. When I started dating my husband, he looks for an excuse for me not to cook in his parents house so his mum won't see my flaws. He even taught me how to cook different types of soup. Babe, u av to learn even if u av lots of cooks and maids. Im fulfilled weneva his friends come over and eat without leaving remnants on d plate and even ask for more it shows i've improved a great deal. Though it wasn't easy at all. At d early stage, I cook soup only wen my husband is at home so he can put me tru and he really encouraged me. Even if it's tasteless dat I can't eat it well, he'll eat it with so much joy. But now, trust me, he calls an hour b4 he closes so I can set d table

yetseyi:
Good day everyone, I really dont want to create a thread for this but I believe I would get advice from here.

Please I need to know how to advise my flat-mate. We have been living together for some months now and have built a relationship. It all started in December when we wanted to go our parents for christmas, she travelled to the east and I went to my house still in Lagos but quite far from town and I jokingly added 'bring husband ooo from the village'.

By early January I was back to the apartment to resume There was strike so she stayed back at the village but I was shocked when she called about a week after I got back that she is escorting her hubby to Lagos and he would come to know where she stays before he leaves( His flight to the UK was the next day). I was shocked, husband how come within 3-4 weeks , I knew I would hear the full story when she came .Anyway the guy came after he left I asked her whats up she said she dated him once in the past but didnt continue since he was out of the country and he was not coming home soon and when he saw her late december he was talking about marriage etc.

I was like okay so you have now married him, she said they came to 'knock' I guess thats introduction. I was relieved but then I realised there was more to the story than what she was saying then she said he has somebody over there. I was like ehn thats not okay now. But she was saying she doesn't mind he would come home twice in a year. I asked what about companionship etc she felt comfortable with it so I kept quiet but I was just wondering how she would accept such . She even asked if I can do it and I said NO.

She went back to her people at the village the next day and came back in february when the strike was called off. I was still looking for a way to discourage her from the relationship when she complained some days back about the guy.

I saw it as the opportunity it was and then spoke to her, I asked her if she is sure about the guy when she said its too late that she thinks shes pregnant. I didnt know what to say again. she was scared because of her family and shame and all of that and abortion is not an option

I had thought the pregnancy was just the issue but the shocker came this morning that the guy is planning to marry the lady for citizenship since his papers are expiring soon (and the lady has a 4year old child for him). And even the guys mum knows about it and told her that she should not let the foreign wife know that he has a nigerian wife. Infact she told me he had been planning to marry the lady and his family members were coming over to witness it but she didnt know she just knew he had a baby mama over there.

And the guy is saying its not a big deal because people are doing it. Now shes saying she wants them to quickly pay the bride price so she can be the real wife and it seems the guys people will come for list this week. Her family doesnt know about the guys foreign lady and the pregnancy.she says she doesnt want to have a child outside wedlock. Anyway the guy still wantsvto go ahead with the foreigner and also her.


I honestly dont know what to advise her.
I know marrying that guy would be a mistake,she doesnt want to be a single mother and as she is now shes kind of depressed although not showing it. She has a good job and can take care of the baby but then.... I cant tell her mum that would be breach of confidence.

I

Please what or how can I advise her.

I used to think these things happen only on Nairaland

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do for her at this stage, not that she even needs your advice or help.

For starters, she's 29, a full-grown adult who knows exactly what she's doing, and why she's doing it. It's not your place to "advice" her, otherwise you would quickly become the enemy of progress, trying to block her future. There are so many things wrong with this lady's level of thinking and my advice to you is to stay clear from her. Get her to move out of your shared accomodation, or you move out of that place.

From what you've described, she sounds like a cold-hearted, scheming bbitch whose traded her self-respect for money / the prospects of travelling to Obodo-Oyinbo. She knows this man in question is engaged and definitely going ahead with his marriage, and yet in her desperation to cling on to another woman's man, went ahead to get herself knocked-up. So does the man's fiancee being a foreigner make her any less of a woman? Any less of a human being with feelings? What sort of woman would willing do what your flatmate's set out to do with someone else's man? What sort of woman would do that to another woman? Is he the only man in the world? Has the sea of men suddenly dried up?

I also think she's evil and would have no problem fasting and praying for the demise of the foreign woman. Her way of thinking right now is: "Yes, let him marry her now, get his papers, and God-willing, divorce her, then come back for me in Naija and take me abroad where I rightfully belong..." Selfish, one-track, small minded woman. You need to ask her, what about the man's innocent four year old child caught in the middle?

Your flat mate is nothing but a desperate home wrecker. A desperate woman is a dangerous woman and you're better off without her ilk. I'll advice you to steer clear of her.

In the meantime, the man in question is eating a very fat cake and having it at the same time, courtesy of her stup.idity. I'm not even going to lay any blame on him because he's been truthful about his intentions. Any self-respecting woman would run a mile without looking back. Unfortunately, your flatmate wouldn't know the meaning of the word "self-respect" even if it hit her in the face.

emeraldoe:
my dear, I didn't cook for once in my parents house until after I got married. I learnt how to cook wen I got to d higher institution( thanks to my room mates) and overtime I became an expert. When I started dating my husband, he looks for an excuse for me not to cook in his parents house so his mum won't see my flaws. He even taught me how to cook different types of soup. Babe, u av to learn even if u av lots of cooks and maids. I fulfilled weneva his friends come over and eat without leaving remnants on d plate and even ask for more

I didnt cook much when growing up too, apart from the simple things. I learnt the nitty gritty mostly in Higher institution and when I began to live alone
One of my relatives in Nigeria makes sure that her 10 year old stands in the kitchen with her wherever she is there. Everyone has their way of doing things.

There is a certain feeling of satisfacton when as a mother and a wife you feed your family with good well prepared home made food
I love entertaining and I love it when guests visit and ask for take away

I think one Preternatura1' fear maybe where to start from . . .and I say babes, It's never too late to learn. Even when you make mistakes, dont worry. Practice makes perfect.

Just last week my SIL showed me another method to cook egusi soup.She rolls small balls of egusi and drops them into boiling water and simmers for a few minutes. This is another way to get those "balled" egusi lumps in egusi soup.

There is youtube and lots of food blogs to teach you, and as its your home, your time, your privacy and money, you can always experiment and if you even get it wrong the first few times, its Okay and no one is going to scold you or laugh at you . .you just laugh at yourself

@yetseyi i think its too late and the ship has sailed for your friend.

The fact that she even considered that kind of arrangment in the first instance shows that she has a damaged mindet and it will take more than just you as a friend advising her . . .besides its too late anyway, She is already fully in it.

To think that this girl was better off in November than she is now is just sad

What can you do? Be there for her and lend her your shoulder when the tears start coming. Its unlikely that anything you tell her will change anything now.

She has chosen the path that she wants to follow

Its very sad though.

Fathers really need to step up and be there for their daughters if they are alive.
They also need to set good examples to their daughters.
Many times, a woman will mainly go for a man that reminds her of her father. . . . If the father is a cheat and lacks integrity, the daughter will see nothing wrong with a man who approches her with those kind of traits and will think that its normal men behvaviour.
Thats why you see some women say "All men are cheats" cos many a time, they dont know any better.
It is well.

It is possible that his parents are unhappy about his marriage to a white woman. They want him to give them grand children they can have easy access to or let him have a family so he'll have a reason to always come back home. He is using your flat mate to satisfy his these wishes(though hypotjetical ). I don't see any love in this union. Only a desperate woman and a selfish man.
He may be in love with his Oyinbo wife. Your mate might end up being the jilted one. Tell her this and maybe she will have a rethink.

cococandy:


Tosh hapu nwanyi mmadu aka.

Sh-t


Wait o . . [size=4pt]so this coco na igbo babe[/size].

BabyO, i'm going back to Ohio soon. . [size=3pt]. NY girls na criminals all of them. Dem go give me psychosis[/size]

Yadoctora:
It is possible that his parents are unhappy about his marriage to a white woman. They want him to give them grand children they can have easy access to or let him have a family so he'll have a reason to always come back home. He is using your flat mate to satisfy his these wishes(though hypotjetical ). I don't see any love in this union. Only a desperate woman and a selfish man.
He may be in love with his Oyinbo wife. Your mate might end up being the jilted one. Tell her this and maybe she will have a rethink.

My dear this is 2015 & things have moved on
There are heaps of inter racial marriages all over the place
I see them everyday . . Today I saw some in ASDA. Young Vibrant couples.

People have this view that the "poor" man is being held there against his wish, he is unhappy and he needs a good Naija wife
Not true at all . . all lies.
At the embassy last week I saw a Naija guy with his oyibo wife and 3 children
What more does a Nigerian "wife" want to born? assuming there is one in the backgound

She will always be a "family" wife who they will be sending 3 Primark tops to twice a year.
The one who will be tending to the firewood and cleaning the cows intestines when they have a family gathering, while the oyibo wife is holidaying in Miami with hubby and kids every year, shopping at selfridges and having toe curling orgasmms every night

I have cousins who married non Nigerians
None of them have a Nigerian wife in the village
Their mother will beat them with omorogun even if they try it. I trust my aunty.

toshmann:


Sh-t


Wait o . . [size=24pt]so this coco na igbo babe[/size].

BabyO, i'm going back to Ohio soon. . [size=24pt]. NY girls na criminals all of them. Dem go give me psychosis[/size]

Abeg not all of us are igbo. Kindly translate una Romeo and Juliet messages here, jare.

ma'am(s) efemenaxy, chaircover and yadoctura Thanks for your advice I just feel bad about the matter hoping something can still be salvaged. I just know marrying the guy is terrible. I just dont understand but she really is a good girl.

I guess I will just have to keep my opinions to myself and support her whatever way I can.