Daddy,
Pretty sure that when you see this, you'll smile and say to yourself "old habits truly die hard".

I miss you.

I'm 21 now...

Today I'm a corper and it's quite an experience.

No day goes by without me thinking of you and how great it would have been if I was not fighting with you before our intertwined road came to an abrupt end..
It was a meaningless fight and I regret it..everyday.

I miss you.

I had this big black wall..meant for safeguarding my heart...

It collapsed when I got the news and all it left with me was an unprotected heart (or so I thought)...that got pregnant with hurt and great pain..I heard there's till time for an abortion..heard if I let the child be born...it will come with extreme wickedness...and I do not want that.

Everyone says I have a good heart...but Pain that somehow became neighbors with This Heart influenced my decisions. So, I wear this really cute mask called Smile..(it's really cute...trust me..). And it does it's job pretty well but the heart cannot be deceived..for long or too long.

I'm strong. I've become quite a strong, pretty, smart,admirable little lady but my heart needs to be cured of this constant guilt and pain and sadness.

I met God. He loves me so much. We talk a lot and when you left, He was the only one that understood what your little girl went through and today, he sees the pain behind my smile. He's always there for me...says He'll be my father and supply all my needs as long as I ask and even when I don't..can you believe that!!!!!!!!. Its so amazing!!!! He talks about you too and I keep telling Him about how much I miss you and how wrong my decision was.

I met a guy..I really really loved him and everyday he told me about how much I meant to him and how much he loved me and it felt good to be loved by someone besides mum and Ilo and Cheeno and Amara and Onose and Oche and Hilda and Dan and Emeka and my circle..(its quite a really long list!!!). He sometimes got on my nerves and I told him he was cocky..but he was perfect for me and I wanted him the way he was but I got scared...i messed everything up and now I have no idea how to fix the broken pieces that has been scattered 'abroad'..it hurts again...so I handed it over to God..kinda lost control.

Mum and I...that's some story..but you know how she is...razor tongue and all..but we're good..basically we're all we've got.

This is quite public and there are some things I'll love to tell you but you won't be reading this alone.

Mum told me about the day you asked to see me...make peace...sort everything out..become friends again..but i rejected your peace hand and I'm so so sorry..I let my pain rule my mind and I was wrong. Should have grabbed it..should have embraced it..but I pushed it away and I'm so sorry I did that.
Dumebi tried to talk to me but I never listened...you fell sick and I held on to your wrong..well, where is it now

Funny, Dumebi had an issue with her dad..tried to talk her out of it but she turned deaf ears like I did..good thing, her dad is still around..she 'll come around..I know..and so will everyone having father issues..Amen♥

"Your eyes tie me down so hard..I'll never learn to put up my guard again."

Though I may speak some tongue of old or spit out some holy word but I have no word to speak..I'm weak..I'm tired of being strong..of guarding my walls cause the weapons protecting this heart is not as heavy as the heart they guard.

I wish I ran with you...danced and screamed and be who I'm supposed to be with you...but you're gone and I need another chance to do that...I need to live and not pretend to live..

I remember your beautiful eyes and your smile...how we sat together to watched Yaradua win the election. How we took a walk in F.G.C.L Ijanikin..how you asked me what university I'll like to attend..and I said Uniben...and how I snatched your newspaper from you and how you smiled...I loved that smile so much..and then how we fought..and how my ego stopped me from seeking peace..I'm cold.I know.but not anymore..these tears warm my heart..I give up

Please, wherever you are..give me your shoulder for a minute..I need an end to these tears..
I hope you see this.
And maybe someone will see this beyond what an average mind should see.
And have a heart that sees no gain in hate and grudge.
That sees the need to forgive and let go.
And see that God is not obligated to give US life..it's not a right..it's an opportunity.
And hug that someone you swore to never forgive.
And say 'I'm done with this'
And then let the healing truly begin.

So dad.
This is it..
I miss you.
I love you..yes I said that finally!!!
It's been three years but you're always in my heart..till the of close of this age.

It's me Ivie.





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