1. If life gives you lemons, just make lemonade from it, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
2. I guess I will have to name my kids Ctrl, Alt, and Delete. That way, if they muck up I will hit them all at once.
3. Never argue with a fool, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with the experience.
4. Dear alcohol, we made a deal where you were to make me smarter, funnier, and a better dancer. I already saw the video and so we need to talk.
5. A successful man is the one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is the one who is lucky to get such a man.
6. You need to stay in shape. My grandmother began walking 5 miles a day when she was 60 years, now, she is 97 and we do not know where the hell she is.
7. If I am to choose between two evils, I always pick the one that I have never tried before.
8. I am not clumsy, the floor just hates me, tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall just loves getting on my way.
9. On my first time to understand about oral contraception, I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no!
10. Chemicals are not bad. In the absence of hydrogen or oxygen, for instance, there is no way water would have become a vital ingredient in beer.
11. Some people say, “The last thing I want is to hurt you” it is clear that hurt is still on the list.
12. I wish to die peacefully, in my sleep just like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like passengers who were in his vehicle.
13. Attending a church service does not make you a Christian; the same way standing in a garage does not make you a car.
14. Light travels fat than sound. This explains why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
15. Knowledge is to understanding that a tomato is a fruit but wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16. With children, you spend the first two years teaching and encouraging them to walk and talk, and then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to shut up and sit down.
17. Diapers and politicians have one thing in common. They should be changed frequently for the same reason.
18. The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason then you may need medicine.
20. Opportunity knocks once and then it’s gone. However, temptation loves to stand there and lean on the doorbell.

Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?