A child’s paternity has always been a topic of interest and many times of great contention in the African culture. In the western world if there is ever any doubt, a paternity test is the answer and the problem is solved. Within our culture, things are a little more complex than that. I have always been quite clear in my mind and unyielding about my position about a woman muddling or lying about the paternity of a child. I have always felt it cheats so many people and can lead to irreparable damage mostly in the life of the child. However, as I have gotten older and have had a taste of life’s whip, I have mellowed somewhat, simply in the ability to have empathy that there are sometimes mitigating reasons for decisions to be made. Having said that from a moral point of view, it still feels very difficult a concept and in some cases it is unfathomable especially when it is just a deceit to cover up illicit activity. The letter I recently received from a reader is one of those complex situations when being judgemental feels inappropriate. What are your thoughts?



Dear Gloria,

I feel odd writing you this letter but I have been reading your column for a few years and I think you are mature and responsible. Besides I enjoy the topics you write on. I have to implore you not to use my personal details. I don’t mind if you share with your readers because I’m sure there are many people who are in the same situation.
I am in my fifties and I have been married for over twenty five years. I am a successful well-educated professional. I am married to an equally successful woman that I love very much. She is a few years younger than me but it’s not a problem, we are well suited. We had been trying to have children for many years and had not been successful until five years ago when we were blessed with a beautiful daughter. We were so happy and felt blessed. I had a medical condition diagnosed two years ago which was challenging but we managed to get it under control. During the process of treatment it was discovered that I had a problem and it meant I won’t be able to father children. I was devastated but worse than that my daughter’s paternity was called into question. I did not say anything to my wife. I just prayed on it and asked God to help me contain my feelings for the sake of my daughter. I love my daughter and I decided I would be the only father she will know. Obviously my wife will not want the truth to come out for her child’s sake.

We have lived happily over the years but my wife recently became pregnant again and delivered a son. At first I was shocked then I thought there is nothing impossible with God and maybe I was healed. I went back to the doctor who said I still had the problem, saying that there was no way I could be the father. I was devastated. I love the baby and I feel like his father. Again I am the only father the boy knows. I have not said anything to my wife but I look at her differently. I don’t trust her. I am mature and if she had discussed it with me and we both agreed for her to do it, so that we could have children, then I would understand. However knowing she has an idea I cannot father children and pretending the children are mine is very hard to take.

She is enjoying a good life with me and I know she won’t want to give it up. I am not a young man and my marriage has been good. I am wondering if I should just let it go and enjoy my children. I feel very differently about things this second time and it has been affecting my feelings for her. Though I love the child because I love children, but I do not feel peaceful and she has even made some comments about my behaviour since the birth of the child.

I would like your advice on what to do. I feel I should confront her about the deceit, but still let her know that I accept the children. I am worried if I send her away she could threaten to take the children along, since they are not my biological children. I was thinking it might be better for me to try to have another relationship that is honest. It is so hard because she is a nice wife, I don’t have any complaints other than the children. I am thinking she might have done it to protect my reputation since she knows how much I want children.

Please I need your support because I am feeling desperate. I am happy to come and see you for counselling but please don’t expose me to the world.

carnegiefan:
The level of mistrust and questions of fidelity will continue to wreck havoc in western style marriages.
Just sad.

carnegiefan:
This is one of the main reasons I believe that western style marriage should be done away with in Africa. I say it because Africans can't handle its full application and consequences.

In Igboland where I come from, in traditional marriages, all children born to a marriage automatically belongs to the husband. No "ands" or "ifs" or "buts" about it. The traditional Igbo marriage emphasizes the family (complete with father, mother, children) more than anything else including "love", "sex", "fidelity" etc. In fact it is irresponsible in traditional Igbo marriage for a man to even question the paternity of his children. It simply implies that the man is a failed husband and father.

Before a women marries in Igbo land, her fertitily (which is the only thing being tranfered in marriage) belongs to her father, or any male family survivor to the father. That is why if a girl delivers a baby at home before marriage, the child immediately belongs to her father's family. The child only gets transfered to the biological father if the man pays for the bride price -which is often misunderstood for selling the women, but is a deep old tested culture that solves all types of problems including the one being discussed here.

In Igbo traditional marriage, sex is not exclusively included in the deal. A woman cannot be thrown out of her marriage just because she had sex with a person other than the husband. The Igbo understood that patenity test is really a selfish, vain, futile and wasteful excercise that always shortchange children.

The Igbo believe that a woman gives sex to whoever takes good care of her -in this case it should be the husband- but some men fail miserably in this duty. I'm not saying that a woman can just have sex with anyone; all I'm saying is that she can have children (preferably with the agreement or acquiessance 0f her husband) with a carefully chosen man (someone not a blood relation to the woman). If she has sex with a man other than the husband, it is assumed that the man is neglecting her somehow.

So, OP if the complainant is Igbo, tell him to call his wife, sit her down and ask about the paternity. But he should promise her that nothing would change in her marriage, afterall he failed to impregnate her in decades of marriage. She is entitled to have kids, and those kids are HIS!

There is more to say but let me stop here for now...

cococandy:


Funny you.

African style marriages don't have questions of fidelity coming up?

cococandy:
While this looks good on paper and in reality helps to protect the interests of the children,
What about the real father of the kids?
This kind of system robs him of his right to be a father to the kids if he wants to be unless he marries the woman. Who may not want to marry him as she only used him for procreation.

Omo other people's rights have to be respected too. I'm Igbo too in case you think I'm hating on the culture.

carnegiefan:


Believe me, it didn't have such questions before the coming of the British laws of marriage. I used to be ignorant like you until I started to read research books and articles on traditional Igbo marriages in pre-colonial Igboland.
My eyes opened BIG TIME!

All the recent traditional Igbo marriages simply infused British marriage philosophy into our marriages thereby laying so much emphasis on paternity.
Have you ever wondered why Igbo people say that any child born in a marriage automatically belongs to the husband? I hope you know that this is the case even till date.
I encourage you to read up on pre-colonial Igbo marriages.
It had answers to ALL issues bedevilig marriages today.

carnegiefan:


Any man that wants to have children of his own in Igboland MUST marry. QED.
If a man goes about impregnating women for whatever reasons, the .a.s.s. is on him because those kids are NOT his, and he can NEVER claim them unless he marries the women.
As for a husband, if wants kids from his wife, all he needs is to impregnant her. He can talk to her to understand and wait with him if he is struggling (which most women understand and comply with provided he is a good man that takes care of their needs).
In the case of this OP, the woman seem to have waited for decades. Not excusing her actions though because it seems that she didn't talk to him first. She is mandated by tradition to talk to him first and get his approval before doing anything. But western marriages have no such "talk" window. Your only option is adultery.
Nne it is a long story. But read up first before we can debate.

cococandy:
You say the issue of fidelity didn't come up in African (Igbo) style marriages. That's just not true.

But what's true is that the husband owns the kids regardless of who the woman slept with to bear them. And I know it is still in practice until today.

It doesn't mean our people used to turn a blind eye to infidelity. It just means it wasn't the end of the world like it seems now. The woman could appease the husband in his own way and their marriage continues as she can't take the kids from him even she wanted to leave. It seems like a great practice that aims at not exposing the kids to rancor or ridicule
But
What about the biological father of the kids? What say you about his rights to be a father to his kids.
Forget that he committed an offense sleeping with another man's wife.

Anyway if this man in the story is Igbo, the kids are his and he has nothing to fear about losing them unless of course the secularity of civil law is allowed to take preeminence over ethnic beliefs.
I.e the biological dad comes up one day and decides to sue for his kids.

I feel sorry for him.

carnegiefan:
This is one of the main reasons I believe that western style marriage should be done away with in Africa. I say it because Africans can't handle its full application and consequences.

In Igboland where I come from, in traditional marriages, all children born to a marriage automatically belongs to the husband. No "ands" or "ifs" or "buts" about it. The traditional Igbo marriage emphasizes the family (complete with father, mother, children) more than anything else including "love", "sex", "fidelity" etc. In fact it is irresponsible in traditional Igbo marriage for a man to even question the paternity of his children. It simply implies that the man is a failed husband and father.

Before a women marries in Igbo land, her fertitily (which is the only thing being tranfered in marriage) belongs to her father, or any male family survivor to the father. That is why if a girl delivers a baby at home before marriage, the child immediately belongs to her father's family. The child only gets transfered to the biological father if the man pays for the bride price -which is often misunderstood for selling the women, but is a deep old tested culture that solves all types of problems including the one being discussed here.

In Igbo traditional marriage, sex is not exclusively included in the deal. A woman cannot be thrown out of her marriage just because she had sex with a person other than the husband. The Igbo understood that patenity test is really a selfish, vain, futile and wasteful excercise that always shortchange children.

The Igbo believe that a woman gives sex to whoever takes good care of her -in this case it should be the husband- but some men fail miserably in this duty. I'm not saying that a woman can just have sex with anyone; all I'm saying is that she can have children (preferably with the agreement or acquiessance 0f her husband) with a carefully chosen man (someone not a blood relation to the woman). If she has sex with a man other than the husband, it is assumed that the man is neglecting her somehow.

So, OP if the complainant is Igbo, tell him to call his wife, sit her down and ask about the paternity. But he should promise her that nothing would change in her marriage, afterall he failed to impregnate her in decades of marriage. She is entitled to have kids, and those kids are HIS!

There is more to say but let me stop here for now...

freecocoa:
Are you talking about the olden days or what? Because I know that igbos still perform the traditional marriage rites and all the above is not applicable in this times.

cococandy:


Actually it still is.

Unless the husband doesn't want the kids. If he does, they are his until he and his wife divorce.
Of course he won't agree to the divorce if he wants the kids.

freecocoa:
Are you talking about the olden days or what? Because I know that igbos still perform the traditional marriage rites and all the above is not applicable in this times.

carnegiefan:


I'm talking about BOTH times. The problem today is that Igbo people conduct both traditional and "statutory" marriage.
So when issues arise, statutory marriages (marriage under Nigerian law) takes preeminence most times because of things like "community property" ; ie the right of the wife to inherit her husband's property instead of the man's brother if he had no male child, et al.
But if a man married only under traditional (hence customary laws) of Nigeria, then what I say applies TOTALLY ; ie the husband owns the children.
The key point of my post is that when the British left, we should have not kept their marriage system intact like we have done. We should have reverted to tradtional marriage only, with minor adjustment like allowing a widow without a male child to inherit her husband. But even that had a remedy in pre-colonial Igbo marriage, which I can get into if you want.
For now, and for the purpose of this discussion, let's just say that the husband has nothing to worry about (since he cannot impregnate his wife anyway) if he married traditionally.
Paternity test or not, the kids are his.

freecocoa:
I asked because I know that not only traditional marriages happen these days.

carnegiefan:


Yea I know, BUT traditional marriages SHOULD be the only marriage we have. It was COMPLETE before the British came.
I pity an Igbo man who doesn't know or understand the cultural intent of marriages in Igboland. It was always about kids and family.
I don't know of non-Igbo ones, so I can't discuss them.

I had to delve into this fact because I see a lot of havoc being wrecked on marriages in Igboland by vanity (sex, "love" and other canal nonsense), while kids suffer.

freecocoa:
Well, we can't have only that and I actually believe it's better that way.

That traditional style doesn't make much sense, I don't see how it's okay to let another man take responsibilities for someone else's kids.

carnegiefan:


So what happens to men like the one in the OP who couldn't impregate their wives? What about the right of the wife to carry a baby like other women?
Some of you would say "sperm donor" etc, but how different is it from the provision in Igbo culture that allows a woman to get pregnant by another man? Do you know how long it would take to get those fertility lab techs to remote Igboland?
The funny thing is that nothing changes even in the donor example., except of course the euphoria of sex in people's mind.
I came to that conclusion when I read a story about 1500 women who got pregnant by a certain donor. They banded themselves together and started searching for the biological father of their kids! Knowing women and how emotional they can get, some of those women would be willing to have sex with the guy if they found him! Isn't that absolute madness?
But in Igbo culture, merely being the biological father does NOT remotely give you the right to the children.
I think that sex was elevated to unprecedented heights by the western style marriages, and children took the back seat.

carnegiefan:
Please not to be misquoted or misunderstood. I did not say that married women had sex willy nilly in traditional Igbo marriages. We still hated and frowned at adultery and the punishment was very harsh.
All I'm saying is that western style marriages laid too much emphasis on sex. In fact it is all based on sex ("love". Hence children suffer if they don't come from that "love".
Igbo saw that love was a vain emotion and rose high above it to protect family and children.
Thats all.