I'm an American woman and I have a 3 month old boy by a Yoruba Nigerian man (we a re not married)... Long story short I wanted to discuss our child having both of our names (hyphenated) however he did not like this idea and walked out on us (without signing the birth certificate) when my child was 2 days old because I would not back down to my idea and suggestion and hasn't done anything since (also, when he left I gave the child my last name). His reason that he is not around is because having my son name hyphenated is against his culture and he doesn't feel like he's being recognized...
But I do not see how that can be an actual reason you completely abandoned your son ...

I just need an inside of what exactly he meant by that ... He has not done much for the child since I told him I was pregnant (I can seriously count on one hand how many things he purchased for him).

I just need opinions I guess .... & if anybody have (reasonable) questions about anything I'm more than happy to answer them.

XanonymousD:
I'm an American woman and I have a 3 month old boy by a Yoruba Nigerian man (we a re not married)... Long story short I wanted to discuss our child having both of our names (hyphenated) however he did not like this idea and walked out on us (without signing the birth certificate) when my child was 2 days old because I would not back down to my idea and suggestion and hasn't done anything since (also, when he left I gave the child my last name). His reason that he is not around is because having my son name hyphenated is against his culture and he doesn't feel like he's being recognized...
But I do not see how that can be an actual reason you completely abandoned your son ...

I just need an inside of what exactly he meant by that ... He has not done much for the child since I told him I was pregnant (I can seriously count on one hand how many things he purchased for him).

I just need opinions I guess .... & if anybody have (reasonable) questions about anything I'm more than happy to answer them.

I remember a friend of mine who is of a different tribe from her husband. She wanted to give her baby her tribal name as his middle name but the hubby refused vehemently. She did not fight him because she knew that his refusal had to do with his culture and was not to hurt her.

Nigeria is a patriarchal society. Here, children answer their fathers' surnames not their mothers.

In the instant case, your baby daddy acted rather harshly by walking out on the baby. He should have explained the situation to you since our culture/system might have been alien to you. You should also be patient enough to learn the custom of your man, your baby daddy.

I suggest you contact him and iron things out with him for the sake of your baby. Also explain to him that the baby needs his support more than the little he gives. Maybe he is of the opinion that you are comfortable enough to take care of the baby on your own. Let him know that you need him to contribute his quota.

Sorry.

Yh, here in nigeria, we bear only our fathers surname, its a sign of honor n respect, d wife can giv d child her own name but not her surname, that is y we nigerians ve so many names given to us, but our official surname must b only our fathers. So its a big deal to him.

Bsid ur culture differ rm ours, in our culture, wife must respect n honor their husbands, rm wat u said, that u r not ready to bck down rm ur own decision, sorry to say, it only shows traces of disrespect, stubborness n pride.

On d other hand, personally i think its not enuff reason for him to stay away rm d child, but y dont u jst agree, n allow peace reign. Ur surname can b a middle name/other name instead.

We are not married nor are we together. Also, I just SUGGESTED and wanted to discuss the child having hyphenated names. It was not set in stone and he walked out. So the disrespect, stubbornness, and pride is all coming from his end.

I'd be surprised if you could find a single Nigerian man who would agree to that arrangement (i.e, his child bearing his last name and your maiden name). It's probably difficult for a Westerner to understand how insulting that sounds to a Nigerian man.

I'd say go ahead and let the boy have his father's last name. This is the naming trend even in America where children take the last names of their fathers anyway. I don't see why it should be different with the Nigerian father. The baby can have an English first or middle name given by you which I am sure that the baby's father won't have an issue with.

Yorubas I know are very particular about maintaining their culture from generation to generation and it is not something they play with. Left to the father, he would prefer to give the child all authentic Yoruba first, middle and last names even though the child looks as biracial as rapper Drake.

It is said that Nigerian men will always go back to marry from within their own, even after marriage and possibly kids with a non-Nigerian spouse. I guess you are giving him the further reason to get a Nigerian spouse with which he would have kids who will proudly take on his Yoruba culture and identity.

If you decide to insist on naming the Nigerian baby (as seen from the Nigerian angle as the Nigerian society is patrilineal and ancestry follows the paternal side strictly) your American last name, you stand the chance of raising the child all by yourself and the Nigerian father could not be the least bothered when he has an obedient Nigerian spouse and a house full of children all bearing authentic Nigerian names. Also, your son may stand the chance of not being considered as the 'first son' by his father and accorded full rights of a son thereof (first son is a biggie in Nigeria and often inherit parental properties and ownerships) and instead all rights due to your son as first son will be accorded to his 'first son' from his Nigerian spouse, who is technically the second son, counting from the man's side. We all know the case of the family of the popular Biafran warlord, Ojukwu's and his actual first son who Ojukwu did not recognize as first son but his younger brother from another spouse who Ojukwu accorded full rights to as first son. Such cases are common in Nigeria where the first-born male isn't the recognized first son but the younger brother is.

Also think of your son's future and the possibility of his blaming you tomorrow for being the partial cause of the absence of his father in his life. Children, especially sons, will always grow up to look for their father, no matter how close they are to their mothers. When males begin to grow up, they naturally gravitate towards their patrilineal - not matrilineal, family side,. When your son grows up, he will definitely begin to ask questions - where his father is from, if he could visit his father, why his father left, his father's name etc. There have been several threads opened on this forum by foreigners with Nigerian fathers who were distant in their lives coming on this forum looking for their dads or seeking help in locating their Nigerian fathers.

Sometimes in life, all it takes is to yield a little bit for peace to reign.

My child has more inheritance coming from me than him & I've told him to have other kids so he can name him whatever he wants. I'm not a least bit worried about him not claiming my child. I'm just curious about the culture he was talking about. & I'm not by myself raising my son. He's in good hands .

XanonymousD:
My child has more inheritance coming from me than him & I've told him to have other kids so he can name him whatever he wants. I'm not a least bit worried about him not claiming my child. I'm just curious about the culture he was talking about. & I'm not by myself raising my son. He's in good hands .

How sure are you that things will remain the same in about 30 years to think that the child would inherit more possessions from you than the father? Do you realize that the world changes and conditions change? You're being well off today does not mean you will be well off tomorrow. You might be better off than the Nigerian today by virtue of his being a recent immigrant to the US but that does not mean that things will remain the same in 20 to 30 years time.

Do you also realize that you are being selfish by placing your desires first over your child's? You would rather have your child grow up without a father just because you wish to deprive him of his paternal last name - a custom still present till today even among white Americans, which I am very sure you are belong to? Or perhaps you think he is an immigrant and therefore you can ride over him easily or what?

You didn't come to this forum to 'understand' his culture. What is it about naming a child after his father's last name - a trend still present in America, that you do not 'understand' that you decided to come to this forum to 'understand'? Or perhaps you came to see if you could get Nigerian supporters on your side just to give you a solid case to insist against the baby's father that some Nigerians even support your decision?

Just know that that baby will grow up to look for his father. You will be the recipient of the blame and animosity tomorrow from the very same child you think you are protecting their interest when he will stand up to your face, after finding out the real reason his dad left, and tell you that you made him miss out on fatherly love and care and his father was right after all to insist that he (the baby) takes after his last name, after all you yourself took after your dad's last name and not a dad-mom name conglomerate.

It is not my business anyway but I just wanted to throw it out there.

Have a nice 20 years ahead.

XanonymousD:
I'm an American woman and I have a 3 month old boy by a Yoruba Nigerian man (we a re not married)... Long story short I wanted to discuss our child having both of our names (hyphenated) however he did not like this idea and walked out on us (without signing the birth certificate) when my child was 2 days old because I would not back down to my idea and suggestion and hasn't done anything since (also, when he left I gave the child my last name). His reason that he is not around is because having my son name hyphenated is against his culture and he doesn't feel like he's being recognized...
But I do not see how that can be an actual reason you completely abandoned your son ...

I just need an inside of what exactly he meant by that ... He has not done much for the child since I told him I was pregnant (I can seriously count on one hand how many things he purchased for him).

I just need opinions I guess .... & if anybody have (reasonable) questions about anything I'm more than happy to answer them.

First of all I would like to say that it wasn't right what your fiance or former fiance did by walking out on you and your son but in Nigerian culture it is unheard of to have compound surname for the child, the children take the fathers last name. Even the wife can get away with compound surname name for herself but the children will take the fathers last name. In America, Americans are relaxed about issues like this even though most take the fathers last name but in Nigeria it is not and at times considered a insult. You and your former fiance need to talk about it though but I must add even if he had back down and agreed with you for the child, he would have animosity towards you that you won't realize until the damage is done. Lastly I was born and raised in America but my parents are Nigerian and my husband was born and raised in Nigeria and when kids come along the surname for the children will be his surname automatically.

First and foremost, PLEASE do not even attempt to understand me and my situation OR the Nigerian Father. Second, You have made a lot of DUMB AND INCORRECT ACCUSATIONS which I WOULD point out but I will not because you are not worth it & and as you said, it's NOT your business, & THIRD i honestly couldn't care less about having American supporters so what does that tell you about me seeking Nigerian supporters? I do not need to make a solid case because I'm not changing the name nor am i asking validation for my decision.
& i highly doubt he'll have animosity towards me since he's an American boy & I have YET met an American Man that'll be upset with his mother for having her own mind and/or opinion & the fact his father could not make an "obedient" and "respectable" woman out of .

Now YOU have a nice 20 years ahead of you. & FYI .. it can be 20, 30, 50 years from now and my son will STILL have more inheritance coming from his mother, which is myself.

& I do not consider me being selfish if I honestly don't lose sleep nor care if HE doesn't want to be in MY son's life.

bigfrancis21:

How sure are you that things will remain the same in about 30 years to think that the child would inherit more possessions from you than the father? Do you realize that the world changes and conditions change? You're being well off today does not mean you will be well off tomorrow. You might be better off than the Nigerian today by virtue of his being a recent immigrant to the US but that does not mean that things will remain the same in 20 to 30 years time.
Do you also realize that you are being selfish by placing your desires first over your child's? You would rather have your child grow up without a father just because you wish to deprive him of his paternal last name - a custom still present till today even among white Americans, which I am very sure you are belong to? Or perhaps you think he is an immigrant and therefore you can ride over him easily or what?
You didn't come to this forum to 'understand' his culture. What is it about naming a child after his father's last name - a trend still present in America, that you do not 'understand' that you decided to come to this forum to 'understand'? Or perhaps you came to see if you could get Nigerian supporters on your side just to give you a solid case to insist against the baby's father that some Nigerians even support your decision?
Just know that that baby will grow up to look for his father. You will be the recipient of the blame and animosity tomorrow from the very same child you think you are protecting their interest when he will stand up to your face, after finding out the real reason his dad left, and tell you that you made him miss out on fatherly love and care and his father was right after all to insist that he (the baby) takes after his last name, after all you yourself took after your dad's last name and not a dad-mom name conglomerate.
It is not my business anyway but I just wanted to throw it out there.
Have a nice 20 years ahead.

I agree with you ooo

But the OP wants to fight, just read how she responded to you. I wish these westerners stop asking questions like these on this forum cause they don't want to hear the truth

bigfrancis21:
I'd say go ahead and let the boy have his father's last name. This is the naming trend even in America where children take the last names of their fathers anyway. I don't see why it should be different with the Nigerian father. The baby can have an English first or middle name given by you which I am sure that the baby's father won't have an issue with.

Yorubas I know are very particular about maintaining their culture from generation to generation and it is not something they play with. Left to the father, he would prefer to give the child all authentic Yoruba first, middle and last names even though the child looks as biracial as rapper Drake.

It is said that Nigerian men will always go back to marry from within their own, even after marriage and possibly kids with a non-Nigerian spouse. I guess you are giving him the further reason to get a Nigerian spouse with which he would have kids who will proudly take on his Yoruba culture and identity.

If you decide to insist on naming the Nigerian baby (as seen from the Nigerian angle as the Nigerian society is patrilineal and ancestry follows the paternal side strictly) your American last name, you stand the chance of raising the child all by yourself and the Nigerian father could not be the least bothered when he has an obedient Nigerian spouse and a house full of children all bearing authentic Nigerian names. Also, your son may stand the chance of not being considered as the 'first son' by his father and accorded full rights of a son thereof (first son is a biggie in Nigeria and often inherit parental properties and ownerships) and instead all rights due to your son as first son will be accorded to his 'first son' from his Nigerian spouse, who is technically the second son, counting from the man's side. We all know the case of the family of the popular Biafran warlord, Ojukwu's and his actual first son who Ojukwu did not recognize as first son but his younger brother from another spouse who Ojukwu accorded full rights to as first son. Such cases are common in Nigeria where the first-born male isn't the recognized first son but the younger brother is.

Also think of your son's future and the possibility of his blaming you tomorrow for being the partial cause of the absence of his father in his life. Children, especially sons, will always grow up to look for their father, no matter how close they are to their mothers. When males begin to grow up, they naturally gravitate towards their patrilineal - not matrilineal, family side,. When your son grows up, he will definitely begin to ask questions - where his father is from, if he could visit his father, why his father left, his father's name etc. There have been several threads opened on this forum by foreigners with Nigerian fathers who were distant in their lives coming on this forum looking for their dads or seeking help in locating their Nigerian fathers.

Sometimes in life, all it takes is to yield a little bit for peace to reign.

High five

Very we'll said

don't start a fire if you can't handle the heat .
Fighting for WHAT exactly? I'm not fighting love. Just responding

I'm an American woman and I have a 3 month old boy by a Yoruba Nigerian man (we a re not married)... Long story short I wanted to discuss our child having both of our names (hyphenated) however he did not like this idea and walked out on us (without signing the birth certificate) when my child was 2 days old because I would not back down to my idea and suggestion and hasn't done anything since (also, when he left I gave the child my last name). His reason that he is not around is because having my son name hyphenated is against his culture and he doesn't feel like he's being recognized...
But I do not see how that can be an actual reason you completely abandoned your son ...
I just need an inside of what exactly he meant by that ... He has not done much for the child since I told him I was pregnant (I can seriously count on one hand how many things he purchased for him).
I just need opinions I guess .... & if anybody have (reasonable) questions about anything I'm more than happy to answer them.

You don't need to give your child that man's name. Being a sperm donor don't mean shit. Some Nigerian men will want all the accolades but won't want to go through the struggles. Berra start moving on with your life. Its 2015, you and your partner shld be able to discuss things. Any man that will leave his child "because you want to hyphenate child's last name" has just been looking for a way to leave you.

bigfrancis21:
I'd say go ahead and let the boy have his father's last name. This is the naming trend even in America where children take the last names of their fathers anyway. I don't see why it should be different with the Nigerian father. The baby can have an English first or middle name given by you which I am sure that the baby's father won't have an issue with.

Yorubas I know are very particular about maintaining their culture from generation to generation and it is not something they play with. Left to the father, he would prefer to give the child all authentic Yoruba first, middle and last names even though the child looks as biracial as rapper Drake.

It is said that Nigerian men will always go back to marry from within their own, even after marriage and possibly kids with a non-Nigerian spouse. I guess you are giving him the further reason to get a Nigerian spouse with which he would have kids who will proudly take on his Yoruba culture and identity.

If you decide to insist on naming the Nigerian baby (as seen from the Nigerian angle as the Nigerian society is patrilineal and ancestry follows the paternal side strictly) your American last name, you stand the chance of raising the child all by yourself and the Nigerian father could not be the least bothered when he has an obedient Nigerian spouse and a house full of children all bearing authentic Nigerian names. Also, your son may stand the chance of not being considered as the 'first son' by his father and accorded full rights of a son thereof (first son is a biggie in Nigeria and often inherit parental properties and ownerships) and instead all rights due to your son as first son will be accorded to his 'first son' from his Nigerian spouse, who is technically the second son, counting from the man's side. We all know the case of the family of the popular Biafran warlord, Ojukwu's and his actual first son who Ojukwu did not recognize as first son but his younger brother from another spouse who Ojukwu accorded full rights to as first son. Such cases are common in Nigeria where the first-born male isn't the recognized first son but the younger brother is.

Also think of your son's future and the possibility of his blaming you tomorrow for being the partial cause of the absence of his father in his life. Children, especially sons, will always grow up to look for their father, no matter how close they are to their mothers. When males begin to grow up, they naturally gravitate towards their patrilineal - not matrilineal, family side,. When your son grows up, he will definitely begin to ask questions - where his father is from, if he could visit his father, why his father left, his father's name etc. There have been several threads opened on this forum by foreigners with Nigerian fathers who were distant in their lives coming on this forum looking for their dads or seeking help in locating their Nigerian fathers.

Sometimes in life, all it takes is to yield a little bit for peace to reign.

when the child starts asking, you tell him the truth. Your father chose not to be in your life. Anyone who seriously chooses to abandon their child because of ego and patriarchy does not care about the child. The guy already said how he felt. When you get pregnant for a man, and he does nothing for you and the child while you are pregnant, why do you expect him to care after the child is born. People are here talking about inheritance. Inheritance ko, after the woman will spend her life taking care of your child, you think its the chicken change after your death the child will be worried about. Abeg, human beings like to deceive themselves.

ideashop:


when the child starts asking, you tell him the truth. Your father chose not to be in your life. Anyone who seriously chooses to abandon their child because of ego and patriarchy does not care about the child. The guy already said how he felt. When you get pregnant for a man, and he does nothing for you and the child while you are pregnant, why do you expect him to care after the child is born. People are here talking about inheritance. Inheritance ko, after the woman will spend her life taking care of your child, you think its the chicken change after your death the child will be worried about. Abeg, human beings like to deceive themselves.

Children have often grown up to look for their absent fathers, even those who walked out on them willingly. The absence of a parent can create a void in a child's life such that when they grow up they yearn to find that parent just to know them and fill that void. It might not relate to you because you may have both parents in your life.

Children have grown up to look for their fathers married to someone else, living in a faraway country, in prison, etc. Such children barely have animosity towards their fathers but sometimes towards their mothers if they partially or fully contributed to their father's absence.

To some men, any child who doesn't bear their name, especially last name, isn't theirs. Even adopted children are given the last name of the family that indicates they belong to the family. The last name identifies you as member of that family, a progeny. Of what use is it having a child and it doesn't bear your surname?

I guess since the op has named the baby after her own father's last name, the baby belongs to her own family instead and not the man's and as she said she might as well have a good time raising him all by herself.