THREE BEERS
Fannie a South African living in the UK walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, -*"what´ll you have?" Fannie answers, -*" Ja, Give me three pints please." So the bartender brings him three pints and Fannie proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they´re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, -*"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don´t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I´ll bring you a fresh cold one." Fannie says, -*"You don´t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in South Africa. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we´d still drink together. So right now, my brothers are having three Beers too, and we´re drinking together." The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, -*"I know what your tradition is, and I´d just like to say that I´m sorry that one of your brothers died." Fannie answers, -*"Ag, Nie Man my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

The Chihuahua and the Leopard[b][/b]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Chihuahua thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet , and just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahua says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

The Lecture

One night Van, who was in no shape to drive home after being at the local pub with his buddies, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily and falling over dustbins along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"Ahh, excuse me Sir!, What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
" Ja Goeie Morning, I´m going to a lecture." Said Van.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the officer.
"My wife." Answered Van.

THIS IS AFRICA
Here are some signs that you won´t find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission."

On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don´t read this notice."

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

In a photo studio in Chitungwiza (Zimbabwe): "Photos taken while you wait"

A NIGERIAN CHATS WITH GOD

Dear God, thank you for inviting me to your golden palace. I love it here already. I wish I could stay forever. Maybe, I can get a contract to build one of the streets of gold for you.

You are welcome my son. Don't get used to this place. You are only here for a chat. Now, what can I do for you?

Yes, dear Almighty, I've a burning question on my mind.

What is it, my dear son?

Why did you create the Nigerian?

Oh my son, that is a very good question that I, God Himself, cannot answer. I'm not sure myself. Many people have asked me that question.

Many people?

Yes.

Who are these people?

Foreigners who have died in Nigeria lured there by 419 scam artists. Most of them have asked why I created the Nigerian because they believe that you people are all corrupt.

Why do you say that?

You see, my son. There is a joke going around in heaven.

A joke?

Yes, my son, a joke about you people, Nigerians.

What is the joke?

Remember the song you used to sing when you were in primary and secondary school?

What song, my father?

The song about "All things bright and beautiful, "

Yes, my God, I remember the song very well. But what I don't understand is that how is that a joke?

Listen my son, this is the joke and I will sing the song for you.

Yes, please go ahead, heavenly father.

Listen carefully;

All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful And Nigerians ruined them all.

Oh, that was funny. You mean we Nigerians ruined your creation?

Yes, you people are very corrupt to the point that I'm thinking about finishing all your corrupt leaders as I did with the late president Abacha.

That would be very nice, my God. Our leaders have finished us. I think most common Nigerians would welcome that. These our leaders are all corrupt.

Yes, I knew of that even before it happened.

Who did it, my God?

I cannot tell you now, on judgement day, I will make them pay for their crimes.

Ok, my God, another question.

Yes, go ahead, my son.

Who killed the late Dele Giwa?

Ha, my son, you are very curious.

Yes God, every good journalist should be curious.

You know the killer of Giwa.

Who is that?

That is all I can say for now. On judgement day, I shall make sure that the murderer of Giwa also pays for his crimes.

My God, please tell me, is there a special place for the Nigerian in hell?

Yes, it's called Hell-Gate That is the Nigerian ghetto in hell. There are a lot of you people there already causing trouble for me and the angels. Even Satan is complaining about you people. You already have a bad reputation in hell.

but, dear father, nigeria has improved from being the number one nation to being the secomd most corrupt nation behind"pakinstan",so give us some credit,

IDIA AMIN SPEECH
Ladies and women, my beloved husbands and men in this assembly, I am thank you very difficult for you hand to forgive me this hour to stalk of you Africa and my country which is Uganda.

As I am a field marshall Dr. Or Haj Amin the Life President of my country, I am apologised because I have not deaded Archbishop Haemeni Kuvum. When many people tell me so many questions about him. His death on my behalf has happened with accident which was in the car when he yalked with it. So I am not a mistake you see.

Another words if or the order in my country in Uganda. The pressnewsmen which you can look them there will wanted to know the law orders of my country. They have inquiring me many questions in because my policemen don't catch people in court while they lost them on the way. No this is not right, yet all them who are catched by my policement are removed for court. When the court does not find them good enough and tie them all with mistakes begining from one month through to ten years with even above. So we attempt people in the court before we tie them to prisons and those you understand about they dead are with if they travel dead themselves. Man invent their death. Uganda is peace loving brother country when people enjoy as if they are in another country. That is true about the country.

Dr. Kurt Waldeheim, you are beautiful in one of these husbands. I think you are this beauty to look what is going on in South Africa with Rhodesia, I am sending two hours to whites as if they can choose freedom to Africa, brothers or you will not blame me as I take wondering action to blow them.

Israel is another enemy, they deaded sleeping soldiers of Uganda when they find them at night in Intebbe. I walked one morning and I invented bodies of my soldiers sleeping in the airport and Israel had deaded people there. They must see or because I pay them of this bad news.

Last of that I am thank your lunch which smelled good I am again fed up with it and have admitted revenge when both of you are invited by Uganda.

Thank you very hard and we shall collide everywhere in internal matter like assembly. Thank you very hard

:d ;d :d ;d

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.
"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant.
"And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time.
"Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "could have been worse."

This time Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
"Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing--"could have been worse."
This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me--How in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"

James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile.
"Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

The Man Who Knew Everyone
A friend of mine named Larry once told me, around the time of Bill Clinton's 2nd inauguration, "You know, President Clinton and I are buddies."
I said, "Sure you are."
He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."
Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Clinton with his arm around the guy.

Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I admired Johnny Depp as an actor. Larry said, "Oh, he's a good friend."
I said, "Noooo!"
Larry said, "Let's hop in my car". He drove me to the bar Johnny Depp owns, and as we sipped drinks, Johnny happened to walk by, immediately exclaimed "Larry!" and fell into Larry's arms.

This was getting spooky. Larry seemed to know everyone! I tested Larry with a few more people. We were back in the Bay Area. Larry was telling me he was buddy-buddy with Jerry Brown. We went to a Press Conference at Oakland City Hall, and just before Brown started answering questions, he said "I see my friend Larry out there."

Same kind of thing happened when we went to Bob Dylan's house and rang the bell. Bob answered the door, said "Larry!" gave my friend a big hug, and invited us in for drinks.

I was becoming a believer, but then one day we were having another conversation and Larry said something about "my friend the Pope."
I said, "You can't know him, too!"
Larry said, "Wanna bet?"
Larry happens to be very well off, so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope's apartment. Larry said, "Excuse me for a little while" and disappeared into the crowd.
A little while after that, John Paul appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him but, you guessed it!
I was utterly amazed! I nudged a fellow standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, "Look!"
The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, "Who's that guy up there with Larry?"

The Argument

Three Tibetan monks are meditating in a cave.
After God Knows how long, one of them opens his eyes.
"It's raining out there," he says, and he closes his eyes and goes back to his meditation.
A year passes. A second monk opens his eyes.
"It's a beautiful, sunny day!" he says, and returns to his closed-eye meditation.
Another year passes. The third monk opens his eyes.
"If you two can't stop arguing," he says, "I'm going to find another cave."

The Violinist
A violinist is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall. He finishes the piece. Voices in the audience shout, "Again! Play it again!"
The violinist is pleased. He plays the piece all the way through a second time.
"Again!" the voices shout once more. "Play it again!"
The musician's self-satisfaction knows no bounds: this is Carnegie Hall, and I'm asked to play not one, but two encores?
When he finishes, the voices rise yet a third time, and the same thing happens after several more repetitions.
Incredulous, the violinist finally walks to the front of the stage and addresses the audience: "Seven encores of the same piece at Carnegie Hall? It's unheard of! Am I that good?"
The audience members shout as one voice:
"You'll do it until you get it right!"

The Comedian's Convention

Sammy is attending his first Comedian's Convention. He's very excited to see all the comic's he's seen on TV sitting at tables all around him.
The proceedings begin with a joke session. Jay Leno gets up and says "Number 64." Everyone in the hall laughs uproariously, except Sammy. Sammy turns to the older comedian who brought him, and says, "I didn't hear any joke. What's everybody laughing about?"
"These are all professional comedians," says his friend. "They don't need to hear jokes. They all know the jokes so well, they've given every joke a number. They just get up and say the number. It saves time."
Chris Rock has gotten up and said, "Number one hundred forty three," and again, everyone in the room cracks up.
"Could I try it?" Sammy asks his friend.
"Of course," the friend says.
"So Sammy stands up and he says, "Number fifteen." Nobody laughs. Sammy is so embarrassed, he sits back down. Then he hears a voice mutter down near the end of his table, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

THE PANDA
The other day I'm sitting in a bar and grill when a panda walks in. He goes up to the bar and orders a ham sandwich. He eats the whole sandwich. When he finishes, he pulls out a pistol, shoots the guy behind the counter in the arm, and walks out.
Witnessing all this, I'm flabbergasted! I follow the panda out the door and catch up with him.
"What the heck are you doing?" I ask.
He turns around to face me.
"I'm a panda!" he says. "Look it up!" And he keeps walking.
At home later I get out my dictionary, turn to "P", and leaf through, page by page, until I find it:
Panda: a giant marsupial living in
Central Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.

A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.

“Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

more greese to ur elbow

ANTI SLEEP TREATMENT
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

STAYING ALIVE
man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly, "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

NUDE RUNNING
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning, "

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

oey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down

for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Here is the joke: Baptizing a Drunk

HIT THE FAN

A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?”

TAKEN FOR A RIDE
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!" The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a
classy bar in the South (States). This
bar has a dress code, and the maitre d'
demands he wear a tie.

Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to
sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got
jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps
them around his neck, sort of like a
string tie (a bulky string tie to be
sure) and returns to the bar.

The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to
the guy, "Okay, you're a pretty
resourceful fellow, you can come in,
but just don't start anything"!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her
horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have
to issue you a warning. You have a broken
reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I
get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like
the way that one rein loops across the horse's
back and around one of his balls. I consider that
animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have
your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her
husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the
emergency brake, "

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly
mother hadn't had an exam in several years
persuaded her mother to let her make an
appointment for an exam with her doctor. She
invited her to spend the night and offered to
drive her to the appointment with lunch
afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the
doctor's office and while the daughter waited in
the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed
up on the table, and, with the nurse's
assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then
settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY
today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet
draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant.
When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed
and rushed out to meet her daughter in the
waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said.
"What in the world do you think he meant by
that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to
prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that
feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the
mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother
in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant
spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother ! That's not deodorant. That's gold
glitter hairspray!"

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks
since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the
man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down to the ground. The old
man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'

The man says 'I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight'

The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in
on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter'

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees,
saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning'

The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do
catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man.'

'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind
of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat
(after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And
the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both
couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom
and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise
down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that
experience.'

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a
heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and
there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture
test: 50 kg rock on your chest'.

'What a lame torture test' the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign
saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied
to RIGHT testicle'.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the
window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT
testicle tied to bedpost'.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were
dining at the country club one day, and the
conversation turned to the subject of their
respective dogs, which were apparently quite
extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had
the most intelligent dog. The physician
offered to show his dog first, and called to
the parking lot, 'Hippocrates, come!'
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor
to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf
course and dug for a while, producing a number
of bones. He dragged the bones into the country
club, and assembled them into a complete, fully
articulated human skeleton. The physician patted
Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie
for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed,
and called for his dog, 'Sliderule, come!'
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to
rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a
scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect
patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs,
and called 'Bullshit, come!' Bullshit entered
and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit
immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole
their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to
the other club members for his fee, and went
outside to play golf.

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of
ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and
ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the
counter and says "Active herpes." She responds,
"Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go
upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their
deal,

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why
did you want someone with active herpes?" The
twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm
going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom
and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then,
when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after
dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard
that ran over my frog.

Two guys are flying to Pittsburgh. Him and his
buddy go up to get their tickets at the front
desk at the airport. When the get to the desk,
this chick with the biggest tits they've ever
seen turns around.

The guy, amazed, fumbles over his words and asks
her "I’d like 2 pickets to Tittsburg." He was
very embarrassed and continue to apologize to
her.

She informed him that it happened all the time
and just laughed. When him and his buddy got
their tickets, they took off towards the plane,
snickering all the way.

When the guy got his seat on the plane, he began
chuckling to himself again. The man he was
sitting next to on the plane asked him what he
was laughing about. He told the guy what he had
done and the man started laughing.

Then the man said "that's pretty funny, in fact
the same thing happened to me this morning when I
sat down to eat breakfast with my wife. I looked
across the table at her and in my head I wanted
to ask her to pass the Post Toasties when out of
my mouth came, 'Hey you fucking bitch, you ruined
my life!"

I can see u r on a mission