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My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 9:36am On Nov 29, 2015
My husband and I have been married one year this coming December and it’s been great! We rarely fight about the things most couples fight about (money, sex) and we don’t have children to fight over (yet)…but we do fight about his friends. We live two hours from any of my friends or family, and, since I am not the most social butterfly, meeting new people slightly terrifies me. On the other hand, my husband is a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone.


What seems to be our issue is how much time he wants to spend with them. he’d spend his time with them during the weekdays after getting back from work , and if I don't say anything... He spends the weekend with them too so we barely see each other — and then he wants to have friends over almost every chance he gets. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s not a bachelor anymore.


I’ve tried to find a compromise but it just isn’t happening. Conveniently, he happens to forget that we live two hours from any of my friends or family and that none of his friends have girlfriends, so it’s like I am stuck in “poker night” hell every time they are over. It doesn’t help we live in a small city and we don’t have a car right now and everything I would like to go do by myself is too far to walk to.


Perhaps it’s me. Am I wrong to want to have my evenings alone with my husband? I have tried to discuss this with him several times, but, every time I make a suggestion about what would work for both of us in regards to his friends he accuses me of “being angry and sensitive at small issues!!" and "getting mad at him for no reason " and then he refuses to talk about it and hours go by with us ignoring each other.

I try my best to make him happy the one day I have him to myself after all that ignoring thing. none of us apologizes and I am not expecting him to but I try showing it to him how much I still love him by preparing his favorite dishes and even watch football with him, keep the house extra tidy and dress nicely just so he notices me and starts to want to spend his time with me but apparently none of this is working.

At evenings we could sit in a room for hours without talking with his head buried to the screen and as soon as his friends or relatives call he seems like he has alot to talk about and could be on the phone for hours until I go to sleep.

I am not trying to cut him off from his friends, but I would like him to grow up a little and realize I am his first priority, not his friends. I am at my wits end. PLEASE HELP!
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by iliyande(m): 9:37am On Nov 29, 2015
: smiley 87‰ of newly married couples experience this.

SOLUTION:

1. Getting a job/something doing may help in this case:

2. You can't solve this by nagging/quarrel:

3. Don't involved third-party:

4. Study your husband to know why and what he loves in seeing those friends:

5. Make an arrangement of those things he love available to him at home even by inviting those friends over for a dinner etc at the time he liked seeing them:

6. By the time you start bearing children it may stop because we men love our own kids @times: and

7. Finally be attractive tongue wink

7 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Bugatie(m): 9:38am On Nov 29, 2015
ammyluv2002:
Huh? Not something to fight about? Haba!

My dear since your husband is not here, the advice will be for you,

The first step to resolving this problem is telling your husband how you feel, speak out of love but be bold. (believe me men tend to listen more to their wives when spoken to nicely and not commanded). Let him know that you love him and would like to spend more alone time with him.
Explain that while you respect his need to spend time with his friends, leaving you alone in the house can be very agonising. (you can as well join him at the bar with his friends sometimes, so you can know how safe where he hangs out is)

Be open and sensitive to your spouse’s need for friends. Refrain from speaking badly of your husband’s friends instead encourage them to come over with their girlfriends or wives, for those who have.

Try not to start a fight with him over his friends or their visiting because he will feel you're jealous and wants to alienate him from them. (your husband has a good followership and it's an attribute of a good leader/politician)

Finally,I think you need to open up your self more on the social side, you guys are still in honeymoon stage and should savour every passing second in love with each other.

All the best dear.

On a lighter note, someone beside me here is complaining also how much time I spend with my phone cheesy

3 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by ammyluv2002(f): 9:40am On Nov 29, 2015
Bugatie:
That's not something to fight or quarrel about
It's not easy o!
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 10:03am On Nov 29, 2015
Though what you have described does sound a bit dire, the answer may be for you to find things to keep you busy
It doesn't have to be friends since you say that they all live far away from you.
There is also nothing stopping you from packing a bag and spending a weekend away with your friends say twice a year. Im sure he wont mind.

You can take up a hobby . . .and you could even kill 2 birds with one stone and make some money from your hobby and treat yourself to some nice things from the proceeds.


He is probably finding it difficult to make the transition from bachelor to married and it will take some time.
You can also arrange specific date nights/weekends with your hubby, so that you both agree times that is just for you 2 . . no friends and no distractions.

Your husband sounds like a people person. I am married to one too and what I had to do was to venture into his world and we found a balance.
You can see the cup as half full or half empty . . .in short make the best of the situation and focus at the positives in any situation. I believe that he will come round in the end,

Also the more you dig your heels in about something, the more he is going to be opposed so you need wisdom and tact you will be able to get him to your side. He will soon see that home is more interesting that being out there.

When the babies start coming you will both have your hands full anyway grin

6 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by RentedReality(m): 10:04am On Nov 29, 2015
In a parallel universe you would be with me now.
I played basketball too with a thousand friends also, difference is I'd give you the attention you seek angry

Give him time to grow into his new role. Inbetween, busy yourself with other things.

Besides, Somalia is just 6 hours from here lipsrsealed

1 Like

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Eketem: 10:15am On Nov 29, 2015
This happened to me, when we first got married it was the same thing luckily when I spoke to my husband he listened and greatly reduced this to once a month and started taking me out more instead.
Now I am even the one who reminds him to go out and see his friends.

First week after we came back from honeymoon Husband would go out and be playing video game till 9pm, second day I went for a walk and came back to meet over 10 friends and relatives playing games.
I just broke down crying he didn't understand why I was crying just two weeks into the marriage I wanted out lol

You need to find a way to communicate with him your feelings without fighting. I sent my husband a message explaining my frustrations and he digested it and understood, he told me he is just learning to live with someone else and he took for granted that he could live as he did when single because he didn't understand the impact it had on me.

Maybe you should invite him out for a date, go get some frozen yogurt or something and just have fun then probably send him a message and explain your feelings, emphasise on thw fact that you are not quarrelling but telling him how you feel.

16 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 10:18am On Nov 29, 2015
LOL, I kind of have this attitude too.

I often wonder why I would want to spend my entire day with a female except basic female friend (I'm not married yet) when I can kick it with guys - drink, laugh over crazy jokes, talk business, talk about chicks. I just think few hours of time together before sleep and after I wake up is enough. This style makes the thought of marriage really scary, I don't like feeling 'trapped' except to money or good source of money.

Hopefully, your husband will grow into the marriage. First few years of marriage requires 'settling in' for some people I think. At least this is what I tell myself when the fear of getting married someday sets in.

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Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by ogawisdom(m): 10:21am On Nov 29, 2015
Go out with him as much as possible n get used to his friends. Dnt b possessive, like others said get a job/hobby. Go to fitness center, go swimming n get involved in church activities n make frnds.

Again make him enjoy d time u guys spend together, share hobbies with him lik watch football together, play video game together etc develop interest in d things he likes.

Children they will help bring u guys close
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Bugatie(m): 10:43am On Nov 29, 2015
ammyluv2002:
It's not easy o!

But it's not impossible

1 Like 1 Share

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by martins0: 10:49am On Nov 29, 2015
Bugatie:


My dear since your husband is not here, the advice will be for you,

The first step to resolving this problem is telling your husband how you feel, speak out of love but be bold. (believe me men tend to listen more to their wives when spoken to nicely and not commanded). Let him know that you love him and would like to spend more alone time with him.
Explain that while you respect his need to spend time with his friends, leaving you alone in the house can be very agonising. (you can as well join him at the bar with his friends sometimes, so you can know how safe where he hangs out is)

Be open and sensitive to your spouse’s need for friends. Refrain from speaking badly of your husband’s friends instead encourage them to come over with their girlfriends or wives, for those who have.

Try not to start a fight with him over his friends or their visiting because he will feel you're jealous and wants to alienate him from them. (your husband has a good followership and it's an attribute of a good leader/politician)

Finally,I think you need to open up your self more on the social side, you guys are still in honeymoon stage and should savour every passing second in love with each other.

All the best dear.

On a lighter note, someone beside me here is complaining also how much time I spend with my phone cheesy

Bros I think say na only politics you dey o.

Nice advice but give madam sometime abeg
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by SAMBARRY: 11:05am On Nov 29, 2015
You too go out and start making friends,turn yourself to toke makinwa that'll be partying every Saturday. When he sees you're too involved with friends and parties and he notices all this your throwing yourself all over his face for attention is over his head WIll be correct.nobody will define the difference between bachelor and married man undecided

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Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Exponental(m): 9:21am On Nov 30, 2015
Spare him the week days. Tell him you like to have him week ends. Either he stays at home or you go out together..... If you feel bored out there, play games on your fone or surf the net.
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Fumbaby: 9:19pm On Nov 30, 2015
Things I do to keep my hubby at home my marriage will be 1yr in Dec and we only courted for 5months, I am a pesky lady that how he describe me lol, most times I will follow him to the frds place things I got from following him, all they do is discuss politics, take pepper soup and beer, I immediately turn to political analyst, I introduce course meal, pepper soup as starter main meal and fresh fruit juice, and also stock the house with beer and also know how to cry when am lonely which he does not like, yoÙ don't need to quarell with him ju§t learn how to keep him at home.

3 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by raumdeuter: 12:11am On Dec 01, 2015
Some ladies just think by getting married all their issues in life is resolved. They dump all their emotional burden on the guy

They forget he was a person before you got married, and there is nothing wrong with you also going out to meet people so you dont suffocate him

If you force him to stay home and he sleeps off or is just uninterested and sad, would that make you happy?

He wants to watch/discuss politics and Sports you want to discuss fashion and celebrities gossip. How does that work

11 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by infogenius(m): 9:12am On Dec 01, 2015
Op
Thanks for sharing your challenges.
I must honestly tell you that you are a Bore.

Your husband simply does not find anything
exciting about you that will want him to stay at
home with him.

He even spends hours at home with you without
talking to him.

No matter how much a man hangs out, there must
be something about his home to look forward
to if it is there and that must be you.

1.You must learn to be his friend and not a just a wife
What this means is this, learn to share his views by
contributing positively and creatively to his interests and
views and don't make him always feel like
"another woman talk" in your discussions

2. Share his hobbies with him and teach him new things,
like a new song, dance or a new game.

3. Don't you ever insist you want to tag along with him to
hang with his friends. You just be soiling your marriage in
a big mess. Let him be.

4.If he hangs out because of Alcohol, don't be tempted to
encourage Alcohol drinking at home if you don't like it but
diligently go on your knees and talk to God.
Do not for any reason nag provided he does not come drunk.

5. Develop yourself. Read and keep yourself busy. If your mind is
developed he will know it. He stands to gain a lot from your intelligence.
My dear, intelligent people are attractive people.

6.Respect and continue to show him you Love him.

7.Don't in his way if he is hell bent on doing but tactically make him see
through logically and not forcefully. With this, whenever he hits a crossroad
you come to mind.

8. Don't be a Bore. Be that wonderful and interesting babe in his life

In conclusion, marriage is not rocket science, you need a sound mind to make
it work. I wish you the best, baby, in your marriage.

4 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Besto(m): 10:21am On Dec 01, 2015
sometimes i wish everyone could be so understanding like my bae...

had a case whereby i was so addicted to a new console i got... console was my new friend.. like i cud spend hours playing games with bae sitting beside me trying to communicate with me and all i do is just to nod head to her talks due to my concentration on my game..

Well i actually thought of my addiction and felt guilty... So i asked her if she tinks i shud give away the console...She was like Hell No will she allow me give it away... Dat i should just teach her how to play the damn thing so we both enjoy it together.

To your story "i know you mentioned watching ball with him and all that... just take a time out and follow him to that place he loves going to... it will hit him by suprise and also put him on check.

2 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by babyoku1: 11:47am On Dec 02, 2015
I experienced this too when i got married newly. I was always begging my hubby to stay at home. I will close from work, hurry back home to meet my dear hubby especially those days he is off duty but for where !!!! either he is out or about going out. i will plead with him and even try to make him understand he is the reason i hurried home. he will tell me that it is also the time his friends come back that he has been at home since morning(when am not around). sometimes he will understand and stay for few hrs but will still go out later. At a point, i stopped bothering because it started bringing serious problem between us. I was soo bittered .But i tell you, now that I have kids, I don't bother asking him to stay or not because I am sooooooo busyyyyyyyy. My kids keep me busy so I don't feel lonely for one bit. all I do is once is 9.30Pm I flash him to remind him its time to come home. Believe me he keeps to it. In most occasion he comes back at 9pm so that he will meet us(the kids and I) awake .
So my dear, dont worry as soon as the kids start coming u wont have his time. he is the one that will have your time.
Take kia.
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Captainswag225(m): 12:04pm On Dec 02, 2015
What kinda of husband is that, he chooses tv over u, he chooses his friends over u, op are u sure your husband loves u like u think? Coz a loving husband should be able to make certain sacrifices for u...... He must man up and behave like a husband.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 12:33pm On Dec 02, 2015
I am not a bore, actually judging from my friends words and family members I think it's fair to say that I am very fun to be around.

What do you do when a person makes you feel invisible and only realizes that you exit when you are upset or he needs to bed you?!?

How about this, systematically ignoring me when I speak so I have to call his name and then repeat everything. How do you even become friends with someone whose constantly on the screen or isn't home?!


I never. Not for once insisted on tagging with him and his friends. Heck I can't even stand looking at them! It's not that their bad people but he's making me dislike them and I admit I am jealous of them! I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel like my love for him is fading away little more everyday and that scares me.


I always suggest on weekends that we rent a car go out have fun and spend time alone but he refuses everytime by saying that this place is too far or the road to that beach is dangerous to drive to. I feel like he isn't interested or care in getting to know me a lot better than now.


I think I am gonna leave and go back to my family and friends stay over for sometime and cut him off. one can only take so much. I need to do this for him and myself, if he still doesn't miss me or look for me then only God knows what was his intentions when asked for my hand in marriage and swearing to love me through good and bad.

1 Like

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 12:36pm On Dec 02, 2015
Arisha:
My husband and I have been married one year this coming December and it’s been great! We rarely fight about the things most couples fight about (money, sex) and we don’t have children to fight over (yet)…but we do fight about his friends. We live two hours from any of my friends or family, and, since I am not the most social butterfly, meeting new people slightly terrifies me. On the other hand, my husband is a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone.


What seems to be our issue is how much time he wants to spend with them. he’d spend his time with them during the weekdays after getting back from work , and if I don't say anything... He spends the weekend with them too so we barely see each other — and then he wants to have friends over almost every chance he gets. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s not a bachelor anymore.


I’ve tried to find a compromise but it just isn’t happening. Conveniently, he happens to forget that we live two hours from any of my friends or family and that none of his friends have girlfriends, so it’s like I am stuck in “poker night” hell every time they are over. It doesn’t help we live in a small city and we don’t have a car right now and everything I would like to go do by myself is too far to walk to.


Perhaps it’s me. Am I wrong to want to have my evenings alone with my husband? I have tried to discuss this with him several times, but, every time I make a suggestion about what would work for both of us in regards to his friends he accuses me of “being angry and sensitive at small issues!!" and "getting mad at him for no reason " and then he refuses to talk about it and hours go by with us ignoring each other.

I try my best to make him happy the one day I have him to myself after all that ignoring thing. none of us apologizes and I am not expecting him to but I try showing it to him how much I still love him by preparing his favorite dishes and even watch football with him, keep the house extra tidy and dress nicely just so he notices me and starts to want to spend his time with me but apparently none of this is working.

At evenings we could sit in a room for hours without talking with his head buried to the screen and as soon as his friends or relatives call he seems like he has alot to talk about and could be on the phone for hours until I go to sleep.

I am not trying to cut him off from his friends, but I would like him to grow up a little and realize I am his first priority, not his friends. I am at my wits end. PLEASE HELP!


I think you need to take a stand and stick to it . . .

Don't let him get his way. A married man should behave and act like one . . . . Spending every spare time with his friends and relatives (thereby leaving you all alone at home) is just not right. The earlier you start taking measures to correct it, the better for you.

So let me share my own experience . . .

MY hubby was (is) just like yours . . . Before we got married, I used to hang out a lot too . . . with him and with my own friends and relatives. Infact, I preferred spending holidays with my siblings, rather than with my husband. My first xmas as a married woman was spent with my mum and siblings and my husband was completely okay with that. In fact it gave him more freedom to party with his friends and attend festivities with them. undecided

Then the baby came . . . When we were discharged from the hospital, my husband dropped us off at home and went off to be with his friends till very late in the night. Of course this wasn't the first time he stayed out late, but that was the first time it hurt me because I was left all alone with a new baby . . . For the first time, I started missing my husband.

When I complained, he said it was because I could no longer party and hang out like I used to, that I was jealous of him. undecided angry Maybe a part of me was. embarassed embarassed

But the baby was both our responsibility, why should I have to give up my social life while he keeps gallivanting around. undecided My dear, this went on and on and on . . . we fought and fought and fought. I involved his family, and mine . . he would stop for a while and then start again! I even locked him out one time (not proud of it, but I was desperate) . . . but he just wouldn't stop. It was who he was, his way of life, changing was just too difficult for him. Besides he didn't think he had to because he claimed I knew that part of him (and was even a big participant myself embarassed ) before we got married. But with marriage, one should change. You now have more responsibilities and people who depend on you. It shouldn't just be about you and your guys anymore . . .

When the baby became older, he started hanging around more to play with her, but once she sleeps off, he's out with his friends again! angry angry . After a while, I tried to occupy myself with the baby, but I soon started resenting the way he was always off while I was always home. Just wasn't fair . . . angry angry

Finally, I got to him (or maybe the children did) . . . . he started staying home more, spending time with me, just hanging out and doing married people things!

Even though till now he's still a 'guy's guy' . . . but at least now he puts us first, and that's how it should be.

I still wish he would spend less time with his friends though. Infact if I wanted a wish, I would wish he spends no time with his friends and all his spare time with us! tongue embarassed

But believe me, some of his friends, even after 3-4 kids, 8 years of marriage e.t.c still spend every free time they have with 'the guys' . . . Sometimes I pity the wives they leave at home. Now they mock my husband and accuse me of 'tying' him down, but I don't care . . and I'm glad he's beginning to care less.

The point of this my 'epistle' is for you not to let him be. Keep pestering him, let him know his behavior is unacceptable. Or believe me, you will get to be left all alone taking care of the kids while he hops around doing one fun thing or the other!

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 12:38pm On Dec 02, 2015
Arisha:
I am not a bore, actually judging from my friends words and family members I think it's fair to say that I am very fun to be around.

What do you do when a person makes you feel invisible and only realizes that you exit when you are upset or he needs to bed you?!?

How about this, systematically ignoring me when I speak so I have to call his name and then repeat everything. How do you even become friends with someone whose constantly on the screen or isn't home?!


I never. Not for once insisted on tagging with him and his friends. Heck I can't even stand looking at them! It's not that their bad people but he's making me dislike them and I admit I am jealous of them! I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel like my love for him is fading away little more everyday and that scares me.


I always suggest on weekends that we rent a car go out have fun and spend time alone but he refuses everytime by saying that this place is too far or the road to that beach is dangerous to drive to. I feel like he isn't interested or care in getting to know me a lot better than now.

I show him endless love and respect but I get back nothing, it's never been this hard no matter what I do or say he just isn't into it.


I think I am gonna leave and go back to my family and friends stay over for sometime and cut him off. one can only take so much. I need to do this for him and myself, if he still doesn't miss me or look for me then only God knows what was his intentions when asked for my hand in marriage and swearing to love me through good and bad.

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 12:46pm On Dec 02, 2015
Arisha:
I am not a bore, actually judging from my friends words and family members I think it's fair to say that I am very fun to be around.

What do you do when a person makes you feel invisible and only realizes that you exit when you are upset or he needs to bed you?!?

How about this, systematically ignoring me when I speak so I have to call his name and then repeat everything. How do you even become friends with someone whose constantly on the screen or isn't home?!


I never. Not for once insisted on tagging with him and his friends. Heck I can't even stand looking at them! It's not that their bad people but he's making me dislike them and I admit I am jealous of them! I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel like my love for him is fading away little more everyday and that scares me.


I always suggest on weekends that we rent a car go out have fun and spend time alone but he refuses everytime by saying that this place is too far or the road to that beach is dangerous to drive to. I feel like he isn't interested or care in getting to know me a lot better than now.


I think I am gonna leave and go back to my family and friends stay over for sometime and cut him off. one can only take so much. I need to do this for him and myself, if he still doesn't miss me or look for me then only God knows what was his intentions when asked for my hand in marriage and swearing to love me through good and bad.


Aww . . . I completely understand. But trust me, he does love you and would want to get to know you more . . . he just doesn't know how to.

Why don't you get to know these his friends, try to hang out with them more. Have their phone-numbers, get to know their families. I have been with my husband on a lot of those outings and believe me, all they talk about is their wives, how great they are, how the meal she made that day was wonderful e.t.c . . . Sometimes I wonder why they can't just stay home and actually spend time with these great wives of theirs.

If you leave, he will miss you. But if your husband is as stubborn as mine, it won't make him stop. At a point, it will becomes a battle to him and nobody likes to lose. He will fear that if he gives in to your 'threat', it will make you more powerful and he would somehow lose his 'manliness'.

It's more of an ego things, trust me.

It will get better, when the kids come . . . Please try to hang in there.

After 5yrs of marriage I'm still having my own 'battles' . . . . I guess we already made d mistake of marrying 'social animals' eh. undecided

2 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 12:53pm On Dec 02, 2015
infogenius:
Op
Thanks for sharing your challenges.
I must honestly tell you that you are a Bore.

Your husband simply does not find anything
exciting about you that will want him to stay at
home with him.

He even spends hours at home with you without
talking to him.

No matter how much a man hangs out, there must
be something about his home to look forward
to if it is there and that must be you.

1.You must learn to be his friend and not a just a wife
What this means is this, learn to share his views by
contributing positively and creatively to his interests and
views and don't make him always feel like
"another woman talk" in your discussions

2. Share his hobbies with him and teach him new things,
like a new song, dance or a new game.

3. Don't you ever insist you want to tag along with him to
hang with his friends. You just be soiling your marriage in
a big mess. Let him be.

4.If he hangs out because of Alcohol, don't be tempted to
encourage Alcohol drinking at home if you don't like it but
diligently go on your knees and talk to God.
Do not for any reason nag provided he does not come drunk.

5. Develop yourself. Read and keep yourself busy. If your mind is
developed he will know it. He stands to gain a lot from your intelligence.
My dear, intelligent people are attractive people.

6.Respect and continue to show him you Love him.

7.Don't in his way if he is hell bent on doing but tactically make him see
through logically and not forcefully. With this, whenever he hits a crossroad
you come to mind.

8. Don't be a Bore. Be that wonderful and interesting babe in his life

In conclusion, marriage is not rocket science, you need a sound mind to make
it work. I wish you the best, baby, in your marriage.

I think you are completely WRONG.

It's always easy to blame the woman when the man obviously have a personality defect, how can her husband's irresponsibility be her fault? undecided

In my own case, my husband would text me every second, while with his friends and pester me with calls just to keep me awake. And when he gets home at odd hours all he wants to do is stay up and gist about his day (with his friends) . . . My night became days and my days nights! angry angry

Sometimes it's not about drinking . . . it's about the 'gist' they 'gist' while drinking . . . .

I work too and I hardly have time to obsess over every little thing . . . but it's nice to know that you husband will be coming (and staying) home to you, rather than going out all d time.

Also, some men don't just understand 'tact' . . . Even if they do, they choose to ignore it or interpret it as 'understanding'. My husband used to brag to his friends about how 'understanding' I was of his lifestyle and how I was such a 'perfect wife' because I don't bother him when he hangs out all the time. But I was trying to be 'tactful', I thought that was the way to handle it. It wasn't untill I started bringing down fire and brimstone that he started knowing how badly I was really hurt.

Some men are just that way . . . . it's not easy to change one's personality. It takes time, patience and tolerance.

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Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by 5minsmadness: 1:05pm On Dec 02, 2015
So you two finally found something to fight about?
Bravo.

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Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 1:17pm On Dec 02, 2015
Instead of studying him study yourself to find and develop what interests and excites you so that whenever you guys spend time together you have quality time instead of quantity where he feels harangued into spending time with you then you feel bad he feels bad and the time you have together feels tense with undercurrents of resentment because he feels obligated into spending time with you.

Arisha:

I try my best to make him happy the one day I have him to myself after all that ignoring thing. none of us apologizes and I am not expecting him to but I try showing it to him how much I still love him by preparing his favorite dishes and even watch football with him, keep the house extra tidy and dress nicely just so he notices me and starts to want to spend his time with me but apparently none of this is working.
At evenings we could sit in a room for hours without talking with his head buried to the screen and as soon as his friends or relatives call he seems like he has alot to talk about and could be on the phone for hours until I go to sleep.
I am not trying to cut him off from his friends, but I would like him to grow up a little and realize I am his first priority, not his friends. I am at my wits end. PLEASE HELP!

Maybe you should try to make you happy instead of trying to make him happy because the guy seems happy to me its just when you guys are together there is a cloud of obligation to entertain you over his head which makes him seem unhappy to you. I don't get why you are watching football you don't enjoy again do something that will make you happy apparently football isn't it. The tidy house is for both of you and dressing nicely makes you feel good as well and if tidying the house and dressing nicely doesn't make you feel good consider leaving it alone at evenings when you are in a room and the energy is so dense why don't you go for a stroll or do something you at least enjoy. I feel you are suffering from expectations of how couples should be rather than the reality of what is and how you can make it work for you because the guy is having good times with his friends you need to find ways to have fun for yourself with or without him.

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Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by 5minsmadness: 1:50pm On Dec 02, 2015
andromida:
Instead of studying him study yourself to find and develop what interests and excites you so that whenever you guys spend time together you have quality time instead of quantity where he feels harangued into spending time with you then you feel bad he feels bad and the time you have together feels tense with undercurrents of resentment because he feels obligated into spending time with you.
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by 5minsmadness: 1:56pm On Dec 02, 2015
It is obvious from the many female posters above me that marriage was made for the comfort of the woman and not the man. Imagine Eketem even boasting that now her husband spends time with only her and she has to now remind him that he has friends outside. And you really believe in your heart that he is happy with that arrngement.

Instead of making yourself more interesting you look for ways to force him to stay at home and call it being "matured".

Women sha.

4 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by babythug(f): 2:09pm On Dec 02, 2015
Funny how i imagined that i was the only one who experienced this!

Hubby worked in a bank and as such would get home at odd hours supposedly *working*. somehow in between gists i realized he was engaging in social wakas and claiming to be at work. Weekends too he will leave at early hours and get in late.

Fortunately the kids came early on in the marriage so i was quite occupied. occupied but very frustrated at the single parenting i was more or less engaged in! My poor toddlers i lashed at them plenty plenty all because i had no hubby present to share the pressures with!

it's a tough call i tell you. I remember with tears the year my hubby travelled on christmas day just because he had to be with friends. it was a *tradition they had and he wasn't immediately ready to end it*. The children were too young for me to be travelling long distance by road

Eventually i got "used" to it!

Na bad thing i tell you.

@OP don't nag him but find other ways to engage yourself. Keep doing what you can to be his loving wife. don't be embittered too we can only hope and pray things will change positively.

I've shared my *story* so you know it is not peculiar to your relationship/marriage!!!!!!
Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by Nobody: 2:45pm On Dec 02, 2015
5minsmadness:
It is obvious from the many female posters above me that marriage was made for the comfort of the woman and not the man. Imagine Eketem even boasting that now her husband spends time with only her and she has to now remind him that he has friends outside. And you really believe in your heart that he is happy with that arrngement.

Instead of making yourself more interesting you look for ways to force him to stay at home and call it being "matured".

Women sha.

How is spending time with his own wife making him unhappy? Besides how do you know he's not staying home now because he has realized that he should be staying home in the first place undecided And that all these while he has been wasting precious time staying out than staying home

If you read right, you'd see that marriage is actually for the comfort of men, not women. If not,why should a woman be trying to make a man stay in the house he married her and brought her into? Why should she have to be 'tactful' or 'make herself interesting' so her own husband spend time with her rather than with his friends Why should a woman have to feel guilty for wanting to come first in her husband's life?

Shebi marriage is by force? If he so wanted to be with his friends why not just stay single and live his life to the fullest? undecided

Shebi staying home makes him unhappy? well guess what, him not being home makes us unhappy.

So in the end it all boils down to what we really want, and what is important. Making myself happy or dying in silence so my husband can be happy?

I choose the former, and only because he made me marry him. So he owes me happiness! tongue cool cool

4 Likes

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by 5minsmadness: 2:48pm On Dec 02, 2015
Arisha:


What do you do when a person makes you feel invisible and only realizes that you exit when you are upset or he needs to bed you?!?

How about this, systematically ignoring me when I speak so I have to call his name and then repeat everything. How do you even become friends with someone whose constantly on the screen or isn't home?!

He's so insensitive and yet you married him?
Anyway I want to believe you are saying this out of anger.


I never. Not for once insisted on tagging with him and his friends. Heck I can't even stand looking at them! It's not that their bad people but he's making me dislike them and I admit I am jealous of them! I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel like my love for him is fading away little more everyday and that scares me.

@bolded you sound like a baby at this point. So you don't love him anymore cos he spends more time with his friends? Is that how fragile your love is? Doesn't sound like it's going to be able to weather any kind of storm.
Hope you will understand when the babies start coming and his love for you fades since you'll be lavishing all your attention on them?


I always suggest on weekends that we rent a car go out have fun and spend time alone but he refuses everytime by saying that this place is too far or the road to that beach is dangerous to drive to. I feel like he isn't interested or care in getting to know me a lot better than now.


I think I am gonna leave and go back to my family and friends stay over for sometime and cut him off. one can only take so much. I need to do this for him and myself, if he still doesn't miss me or look for me then only God knows what was his intentions when asked for my hand in marriage and swearing to love me through good and bad.


I have a better idea.
Divorce him outright.
He doesn't deserve you. You can't spend the rest of your life living with someone who won't show you 100% love 100% of the time. He's shortchanging you and you only live once. Live for yourself and enjoy yourself to the fullest. Don't let him cramp your style. Kick him to the curb.

1 Like

Re: My Husband Prefers Spending All Of His Time With His Friends. by 5minsmadness: 2:52pm On Dec 02, 2015
Ujoan:


How is spending time with his own wife making him unhappy? Besides how do you know he's not staying home now because he has realized that he should be staying home in the first place undecided And that all these while he has been wasting precious time staying out than staying home

If you read right, you'd see that marriage is actually for the comfort of men, not women. If not,why should a woman be trying to make a man stay in the house he married her and brought her into? Why should she have to be 'tactful' or 'make herself interesting' so her own husband spend time with her rather than with his friends Why should a woman have to feel guilty for wanting to come first in her husband's life?

Shebi marriage is by force? If he so wanted to be with his friends why not just stay single and live his life to the fullest? undecided

Shebi staying home makes him unhappy? well guess what, him not being home makes us unhappy.

So in the end it all boils down to what we really want, and what is important. Making myself happy or dying in silence so my husband can be happy?

I choose the former, and only because he made me marry him. So he owes me
happiness! tongue cool cool
You SO made my point.
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