An elderly man boarded a bus in lagos with a pretty girl sitting close to him. A young man wanted to light a cigarette in the bus. MAN: What is wrong with you young man, why would you light a cigarette in this bus? Do you want to kill this pretty girl here. YOUNG MAN: Sorry sir...he put off the light. After a long time in the traffic without movement, the pretty girl stretched with her hands in the air and a serious odour came out from her armpit. Immediately the elderly man said to young man. MAN: Light the ciga! YOUNG MAN: Sir? MAN: Are u deaf? I say light the ciga!!! YOUNG MAN: Ok sir. [He lit d cigarette] MAN: Blow it to my nose, bloooow it!!! YOUNG MAN: Yes sir. MAN: It is better to die this way than to die that way!

"Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow." Mugabe 2009 We are living in a generation where people "in love" are free to touch each others' private parts but cannot touch each others' phones because they're private" Mugabe 2016 "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real." Mugabe 2011 “If you are a married man, and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform." Mugabe 2015 YOU CAN ADD MORE BELOW...

GIRL: I hate my boyfriend! BOY: Why? GIRL: He is so cheap he cant even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that? BOY: Of course not, I'm not like that. GIRL: I'm going to break up with him. BOY: Ok but know I'm available. [Girl stands to leave] BOY: Wait, where are you going? GIRL: To break up with my boyfriend of course. BOY: You can't leave. GIRL: Why? BOY: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?

My friend went for a friend's granddad burial yesterday. The tradition there is that in any burial ceremony, an old man would come and say the next person to die. So the old man came out and said that the next person to die is the first person who will leave the burial ground. Since yesterday, everybody is still at the burial ground including the old man!

HUSBAND: Why do you watch Food Network? It doesn't make your cooking any better... WIFE: Why do you watch porn? It doesn't make you better on bed. HUSBAND: Sharrap!!!

Sharp Igbo Man

An Edo Man invited his friends for his mother's burial. After lowering the coffin, the family put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave in line with tradition...http://jokeafrica..com/2016/04/sharp-igbo-man.html

April 1st is named FOOL'S DAY, after Steve April. He was born on 1st April 1579. He did 105 businesses in his lifetime. He lost all his father's assets, and so everyone started calling him, "Father of fools." At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness. He used to read all kinds of fake stories like you are doing now. HAPPY APRIL FOOL!

23 THINGS A MAN MUST NEVER DO TO A LADY! 1. Don’t Break Her Heart 2. Don’t Pretend You Love Her 3. Don’t Tell Her She Is Ugly 4. Don’t Compare Her To Your Ex 5. Don’t Take Her Love For Granted 6. Don’t Shout On Her 7. Don’t Beat Her 8. Never Cheat On Her 9. Don’t Disrespect Her 10. Don’t Waste Her Time If You Will Not Marry Her 11. Don’t Make Her Break Her Decision Of “NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE” 12. Don’t Make Her Feel Unloved 13. Don’t Rape Her 14. Never Fail To Say She Is Beautiful 15. Don’t Disgrace Her In The Public 16. Don’t impregnate Her And Deny it 17. Don’t Expose Her Secrets To Your Friends And Family 18. Don’t Lie To Her 19. Don’t Correct Her In The Public 20. Don’t Hate Her Family 21. Don’t Treat Her Like Your Housemaid 22. Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep 23. Never Destroy Her ladies if you agreed ... Comment ... "YES"

23 THINGS A MAN MUST NEVER DO TO A LADY! 1. Don’t Break Her Heart 2. Don’t Pretend You Love Her 3. Don’t Tell Her She Is Ugly 4. Don’t Compare Her To Your Ex 5. Don’t Take Her Love For Granted 6. Don’t Shout On Her 7. Don’t Beat Her 8. Never Cheat On Her 9. Don’t Disrespect Her 10. Don’t Waste Her Time If You Will Not Marry Her 11. Don’t Make Her Break Her Decision Of “NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE” 12. Don’t Make Her Feel Unloved 13. Don’t Rape Her 14. Never Fail To Say She Is Beautiful 15. Don’t Disgrace Her In The Public 16. Don’t impregnate Her And Deny it 17. Don’t Expose Her Secrets To Your Friends And Family 18. Don’t Lie To Her 19. Don’t Correct Her In The Public 20. Don’t Hate Her Family 21. Don’t Treat Her Like Your Housemaid 22. Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep 23. Never Destroy Her ladies if you agreed ... Comment ... "YES"

A man died and went to heaven.He was guided by angel Gabriel as he move through God's premises.These where his observations _In 1st room,he saw many angels & they where so busy.The man asked angel Gabriel.What are they doing, angel replied, they are sorting letters of request {Jobs,Life,Heal ing etc} by people on earth according to there categories _In the 2nd room,they saw a similar thing like in the 1st room but this time the angels where busy parking something into boxes ~Man asked: What are they doing? ~Angel Gabriel: They are parking blessings for people's request _In the 3rd room there was only one angel & was dozzing ~Man: Why is he alone & sleeping? ~Gabriel: He is here to receive thanks from people appriciating GOD for granting there request.He is dozzing because most people forget to say thank you lord after getting what they want! _So pals let us all type Thank You Lord for providing us up to this minutes satan is a lier,he is telling you to IGNORE but you prove him wrong by typing "Thank You Lord"

** Akpos final year Exam questions & answer **
.
.
Ques: If U can't beat them
Akpors: Arrange to have them beaten.
Ques: A Rolling stone?
Akpors: Na person push am.
Ques: Half bread
Akpors: Is better than chin chin
Ques: Blood is thicker than
Akpors: pure water
Ques: He who run to fight?
Akpors: Na fear catch am
Ques: He who lauqh last?
Akpors: na begining of madness be dat
Ques: The patient Dog
Akpors: Na hungry go kill am.
Ques: Cut ur cloth?
Akpors: According to ur materials
Ques: To be for warn?
Akpors: Na beating tinz after oh...

++ TWO GIRLS' CONVERSATION IN A BUS ++
.
.
I was in a car travelling to Lagos. The girls in front of me were having a conversation about their first time experience in a plane...
The first girl said, "Kate, you won't believe where me and my boyfriend spent our holidays last month."
Kate answered, "Please tell me about it."
MARY: We boarded a plane to France. We were in the first class cabin, I was sitting close to the pilot, they were serving us many delicacies like cake, meat pie, red wine, palm wine, suya, roasted yam, etc. Later the plane became stuffy, I had to roll down the
window. I saw everybody on the ground, I saw my house, I even saw that your fine brother.
KATE: That means you enjoyed a lot on the plane.
MARY: Very much!
KATE: My boyfriend and I travelled to Canada too. The journey was so enjoyable except when the plane had a flat tyre. We had to park and call a roadside mechanic to replace the flat tyre. Later, we were caught up in traffic. The pilot had to come out to control the traffic so we could have a free passage. Few hours later, the plane's fuel finished, One of the stewardesses had to take a Jerrycan to the petrol station to get some fuel...
And they went on and on. I just told the driver to drop me by the roadside before I suffocate from lies....

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the sister pretending he was looking for the gear lever. The sister cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7".The man quickly removed his hand.
After a short time the man placed his hand again on the laps of the sister. The sister said to him again ;"Matthew 7 vs 7".The man nervously removed his hand.
The sister reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said "So you don't read your Bible!"
When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7 vs 7 it says "ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U".The man shouted;"OH!!! I DON Bleep Up=))....

Papa Akpors: Akpors, I learnt your JAMB result is out.
Akpors: Daddy You remember John wey dey carry first for our whole school? he failed
Papa Akpors: that’s terrible,what happened?
Akpors: You also remember Paul wey dey teach me for house? He failed too.
Papa Akpors: what’s causing the poor performance?
Akpors: Daddy I don’t know, na so e be o,Even Kelvin who won the Cowbell competition failed too.
Papa Akpors: so how was your own result?
Akpors: You also remember Paul, our senior prefect? He failed.
Papa Akpors: (Angrily) Boy, Tell me about your own result!!
Akpors : (angrily) If all those people failed, wetin You expect for my own result?? I be witch?

Robbers entered a house, asks for all the money and valuables.
After they collect what they can, they give the man of the house a gun with instructions to shoot his wife or else he will be shot.
The man gets the gun, points it at his wife and hesitates
.
He is thinking of what he has gone through in life with his wife and how she has suffered and sacrificed for him.
He hands back the gun and says, “I am sorry I can’t do this…
“The boss of the robbers silently grabs the gun from him and passes it on to the wife with the same instruction. The wife gets the gun and without any single hesitation points to her husband’s head and pulls the trigger. But at last, the gun had no bullets in it. The robbers get their
Gun and walk out of the house laughing.
.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
.
1. If you were the man in that house how would you react towards your wife?
2. If you were the wife, what explanation can you give to your husband!
3. If you were invited to bring peace between this couples, what advice
would you give?
.
Keep The Comments Flowing

A man fell into a well and was screaming for help. His wife came with a rope to help. Down inside the well, the man looked at the rope and said
......"How much did you buy this rope"?
The wife said N1,500"
"What! The man shouted inside the well.
"Return it to the seller now now and go to Mama Queen's shop down the street. Her own is N300. Hurry
up before I die here!!
.
I beg, which ethnic group do you think this man comes from?
A. Ijebu
B. Igbo
C. Hausa
D. Yoruba
E. Igbira
F. Benue

Akpos went to a native doctor to know if his destiny will be bright or dark.
The native doctor drew a mark on the ground with white chalk on the right side, and then drew another mark with black chalk on the left side... He kept a lizard on the ground an said to Akpos
"Whichever mark this Lizard go to, that's how your destiny will be"
Then the lizard started moving, when it reached in the middle... It started going to the right direction but soon it diverted and start heading toward the left direction which is where the black mark is drawn. Just one inch to get to get to the black mark,
Akpos quickly grap it and drop it on the white mark
Then the native doctor asked him why he did that, and he said
"my destiny is in my hands, I can't stay alive & watch my it end up on a dark side, however i chooses it to be, that's how it'll be"
That's how it is, It's God's gift to everybody
"My destiny is in my hands" what about you? Can anyone decide your fate?
LET THE WORLD KNOW YOU'RE IS IN YOUR HANDS

Akpos went to a native doctor to know if his destiny will be bright or dark.
The native doctor drew a mark on the ground with white chalk on the right side, and then drew another mark with black chalk on the left side... He kept a lizard on the ground an said to Akpos
"Whichever mark this Lizard go to, that's how your destiny will be"
Then the lizard started moving, when it reached in the middle... It started going to the right direction but soon it diverted and start heading toward the left direction which is where the black mark is drawn. Just one inch to get to get to the black mark,
Akpos quickly grap it and drop it on the white mark
Then the native doctor asked him why he did that, and he said
"my destiny is in my hands, I can't stay alive & watch my it end up on a dark side, however i chooses it to be, that's how it'll be"
That's how it is, It's God's gift to everybody
"My destiny is in my hands" what about you? Can anyone decide your fate?
LET THE WORLD KNOW YOU'RE IS IN YOUR HANDS

MESSAGE OF THINK TWICE=
A young man was going to THE mortuary
to see his late father's corpse,
.
When he got to the entrance he saw a write up "WE WERE ONCE LIKE YOU".
.
He got in and saw many dead bodies wrapped like wood, he checked his dad corpse and as he was going back he saw another write up,
"YOU WILL BE LIKE US ONE DAY".
.
These people were in this world too like
us, busy with their business, jobs, etc,
But now they are not conscious of those jobs and business again.
.
They are facing their judgment. You can not live forever on earth either living
wealthy or suffering.
.
This body that u are busy painting,
sagging showing your bodies to public, walking nude to attract men will one day decay 6ft below.
.
God has warned us That;People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money,
boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 2Timothy 3:2. We need to change our ways, we have no excuse on judgment day, REPENT. Don't live like you own your life. Don't live like that rich fool. The owner of life may come asking for it
any moment. No one knows when.
Be prepared. Only a fool forgets the fact that there is death while he lives.
You don't own the world. Death is inevitable. If you're touched
Hit like and comment GOD HAVE MERCY.
I pray for all members may you not die prematurely in Jesus name. Amen.

ANGELS: Father! We are tired of these Nigerians in heaven.
GOD: What have they done this time?
ANGEL: Everything!Theydon't listen to instructions. They don't obey traffic rules. They don't wait for their turn in anything. They are
completely reckless!
GOD: Then we better send them to hell! (Calls the Devil). Hello..
SATAN: Hello my creator and master, pls call me later. There's an issue I'm trying to resolve.
Ten (10) minutes later:
GOD: Hello Lucifer.
SATAN: Your Lordship my father! I'll call you back. The issue has turned into a crisis ooo!
An hour later:
SATAN: Hello?
GOD: What's going on over there?
SATAN: It's the Nigerians I have with me in hell oooo! (He stammers),they... they... they have quenched the fire in hell and installed air conditioner.

HMMMMM!! WAHALA DEY O!
.
.
There was one particular restaurant wey i dey go chop 4 (G.R.A.), E get one oyibo wey dey always come chop there too...
Anytime dis oyibo chop finish, he go shout ''Hey'', so I wonder wetin dey make am shout. I decided to eat what d oyibo always eat so
maybe me sef go shout too. When I reach d restaurant yesterday
evening, I order wetin d man dey chop.
Dem tell me say na chicken & red
wine, so i chop am finish, i no shout. I collect extra plate, but i no
still shout. I say dis oyibo na mumu o, wetin dey make am
shout like dat?
Na so i just vex ask 4 my bill.
The waiter tell me say one plate of chicken & red wine na N50,000 then d extra plate too na another
N50,000. Na then I shout hey! heyy!!
heyyy!!!
heyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyy...........Up
till now, I still dey shout!!!

Nene asked her Dad,akpos, "How did the human race appear?"
Akpos answered...http://jokeafrica..com/2016/04/all-mankind.html

HOW TO SPOT AN "OLODO" IN THE EXAM HALL

In case you don't know what 'olodo' means, it's a Yoruba adjective, used to qualify an academically crippled student and I trust that many of us in tertiary institutions are very familiar with these categories of people as we have them as friends and foes
The fact that you could admit to see a part of yourself guilty of these acts does not give you the audacity to throw punches at me (lol)! Without wasting time, here are the ways to spot them in the exam hall...
1. They Tear your booklet when you fail to Teach Them
It's said that the kingdom of God suffereth violence and violence taketh it by force, therefore, they resort to violence when they have little or nothing to write. If they ask you for answers and you keep posting them, they will take a chill but when you their patience has been stressed to the end point they will become furious and grab your answer booklet and tear to pieces so that both of you will fail. My course mates know me for this so they don't hesitate to quickly open their booklets for me the moment I ask questions.
2. They regularly visit the Toilet
Another way to spot them is that, when an exam is quite difficult and the chances of failure is very high, they will take excuse from invigilators to the toilet to pee after which they will go and open their books in order to cram one or two things. Ten minutes later, they will still take another excuse.
3. They obviously look very Frustrated
The best way to spot them is that they will keep looking left and right, up and down for miracle to happen. However, they will be looking hopeless like someone who lost his Bet9ja winning ticket.
4. They become Wailers in the exam hall
When they have nothing to write, they will begin to wail and wail and wail just like PDP tyrants (e.g my state governor, Ayo Fayose and co). They may start raining curses on the lecturer who set the questions and aluta may happen in that process when they will start throwing chairs just as the senate sometimes do.
5. They are found Whispering and Murmuring
I also belong to this category. They start whispering, "chairman mi how far now?, "Abeg you sabi number 1?", "Na God I take beg you, I purposely come sit down beside you cos I no say I no fit ever fail."
6. They ask questions and still ask for spellings
Some of them will ask you a question and while you're sounding it out silently, they will tell you to take a pause and spell the words for them. For example:
"Guy, help me define commerce?"
"Commerce is the activity of buying and selling, especially on a large scale."
"Guy wait ooo, help me spell "activity".
Can you imagine?
7. They are masquerade carriers
To be on the safe side some of them will carry expo so that when Mohammed cannot go to the mountain at least the mountain will come and meet Mohammed.
8. They Giraffe other people's booklets
I guess we all know that what every olodo shares in common is "giraffing" other people's booklets. Some of them will copy and copy and copy and unconsciously copy that person's name and Matric No! As for me, since I'm an olodo as well, I'll sit down with people who knows and then start my giraffing mission.
9. They apply formation in sitting positions
They will parley with bookworms and apply a formation so that they will not be found wanting in the hall. The best way to spot them is when they quarrel with any invigilator who rearrange their formation. You will see them looking confused like someone who just lost a relative.
10. They will burst into Tears
This is very common with the ladies. When they glance through the question paper and can't seem to answer a question, they will burst into treacherous tears.
IF YOU ARE AN OLODO, TELL US MORE ON WHAT YOU DO BELOW...

A couple went to the zoo, as they passed a gorilla's cage the girlfriend said "babe did you know that the gorilla resembles a man in its behavior? The boyfriend got annoyed but managed to ask "why did you say that?" she looked around and said, "OK, see this one", she raised up her skirt and showed half of her thighs, the gorilla went crazy and tried to get out of his cage, "you see, like men just show them little part of your body they go crazy and want to grab you at that moment" she said.
OK he replied. The girlfriend looked around again and said "watch this" she showed her breast to the gorilla and it got crazier and broke two parts of his cage! "See what he did, so Im not surprise if you got that animalistic behavior too". The boyfriend got really annoyed with his girlfriend and said "OK, can you show him your bum?"
She looked around again and raised her skirt and showed her bum. This time the gorilla was too aroused and damaged its cage and escaped, he grabbed the woman and started to rip her dress. She cried for help "Babe! Help me, what will I do?
The boyfriend sarcastically answered "well tell him that you've got a headache, you are not in the mood and tell me again that men and gorilla are the same!

Be careful who prints your wedding programme!
A printer was asked to put 1 John 4:18 on a wedding programme but he made a mistake Instead he printed John 4:18.
1 John 4:18 says "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear; because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love"
John 4:18 reads, "For you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have is not your husband..."

Jane was called by an Unknown number.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: Yeah.
UNKNOWN: So you have a boyfriend. Its your dad. I'm coming so that you'll tell me when you grew horns!
Next five minutes later, another Unknown caller.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: No.
UNKNOWN: I see you don't love me. I'm your boyfriend.
JANE: Oh Sweet heart, I love you. I thought it was my stupid Dad!
UNKNOWN: It's not your boyfriend. It's still your dad, just wanted to confirm you really have one. Wait for me! I'm on my way!!!

A black man and white man were seated on plane. The black man had a bunch of banana, while the white man had a monkey. The black man wanted to go to the toilet, he said to the white man "please watch over my bananas, while am gone".
He went, came back and found out that the bananas were all gone. The white man pointed at the monkey and said, "your brother the monkey ate all of them". The black man with a smile said nothing. Minutes later, the white man said, "please hold my monkey while I pee".
He came back and met the monkey dead. He asked the black man what happened and he replied "this is a family matter, please stay out of it!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."

WIFE: My Husband where are you?

HUSBAND (AKPORS): At home love.

WIFE: Are you sure?

AKPORS: Yes.

WIFE: Turn on the blender.

AKPORS: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

WIFE: Ok my Darling goodbye. Another day

WIFE: My Husband where are you?

AKPORS: At home love

WIFE: Are you sure?

AKPORS: Yes

WIFE: Turn on the blender

AKPORS: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

WIFE: Ok my Darling goodbye The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice,
and finds his son alone
and she asked him son where is your father?

SON: I don't know, He went out with the blender.

One word for Akpors

Girls will never change.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uQugVgsQpI