I Need Water

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Where Do Babies Come From

A little boy was at a house party with his parents when suddenly he asked his mom, "Mom, where do babies come from?"
Shocked, the mom replied, "Go ask your dad."
So the little boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, where do babies come from?"
Shocked, the father said, Go to your grandma."
So this went on and on until finally, he came to his mother again. Out of breath, the boy asked, "Mom, I'm really tired from running around all day... please, just tell me, where do babies come from?!"
Giving up, the mother replied, "Well, when your dad and I got married, we really wanted a boy so we took a seed and placed it under a rock under a tree and prayed really hard for a boy... so the next morning, you were there.
Satisfied with the answer, the little boy wanted to try this for a little boy too. So that night, he took a seed and placed it under a rock under a tree, went to bed and prayed really hard for a little boy for himself.
The next morning, he jumped out of bed and ran to the tree. Angry and disgusted to see a frog on the rock, he picked up the frog and said to it, "Listen here son, you tell no one... I repeat, no one that I'm your dad!"

http://jokeafrica..com/2016/05/where-do-babies-come-from.html

My Girlfriend

One night, I was strolling with my girlfriend when a hummer jeep packed beside us and wind down, he signalled to my girl to come but she turned and looked at me and I being a gentleman nodded in agreement for her to go, after all, I trusted her completely.
After few minutes of conversation which I couldn't hear, I saw my girlfriend opened the door and entered. I was shocked! I went to them and said, "Wha's the meaning of this?!"
They just sat in the car looking at me as if I was an idiot.
I became angrier when I saw the stupid guy laughing at me, I shouted at my girl and ordered her to come down from the car at once. She shrugged and calmly said, "Please David, stop embarrassing yourself! Go home and I will send you recharge card later."
I didn't know when I fainted!
Courtsey: http://jokeafrica..com/2016/05/my-girlfriend.html

Unknown Number


Jane was called by an Unknown number.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: Yeah.
UNKNOWN: So you have a boyfriend. Its your dad. I'm coming so that you'll tell me when you grew horns!
Next five minutes later, another Unknown caller.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: No.
UNKNOWN: I see you don't love me. I'm your boyfriend.
JANE: Oh Sweet heart, I love you. I thought it was my stupid Dad!
UNKNOWN: It's not your boyfriend. It's still your dad, just wanted to confirm you really have one. Wait for me! I'm on my way!!!

Leadership Role

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any experience in a leadership role?

AKPOS: Well, I am the admin for a whatsapp group.

Nigerian Politicians


When You Ask A Nigerian Politician 'What's Your Take On The Heat?
Journalist: What are your thoughts on this heat Nigerians are complaining about and what is government doing about it?
Lai Mohammed: This is the result of PDP's misrule, they stole the ozone layer.
FEMI ADESINA: Mr. President promised us change and that includes change in temperature. Change is here, embrace change.
Akinwunmi Abode: We have signed a $10 million deal with LG to install air condition across the Lagos skyline.
Ibe Kachikwu: I assure you all that this heat will disappear by 2pm on 29th May.
Bukola Saraki: Tinubu wanted the heat to be more than this, but I opposed him out of my love for Nigeria and that's why they're witch hunting me.
Goodluck Jonathan: The heat was not this bad when I left power, but Nigerians did not appreciate me.
Adams Oshiomole: Diezani Alison-Madueke stole the N100 billion meant for temperature control research.
Nasir El Rufai: We are in talks with General Electric to see how they can generate power for Kaduna from this heat
Rauf Aregbesola: I have just approved payment of January salary so that Osun workers can buy hand fan
Aliko Dangote: Next week, we are commissioning the Dangote Fan Factory. By 2030, Australia will be buying fans from us.
Ben Murray-Bruce: *tweets* when Naira is weak and inflation is high automatically there will be heat. This is common sense!
Ngozi Okonjo Iweala: Under the last administration, there was no political will to address climate change.

Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service, and the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands.
He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"

don't belive my big sister is this foolish, not until one day when our parents told us to go and spend Christmas with one of our uncle in Lagos. We have never been to Lagos before so our parents gave wrote down the home address of our Uncle on a piece of paper and gave us a live chicken to give him for Christmas. Immediately we got to Lagos, the chicken just flew out from my Big sister's hand! But instead of trying to chase after the chicken, she just said, "Don't worry Kunle, the chicken won't go far because it doesn't know the way to Uncle Jide's house, I have the address."

A girl wrote on her status on Whatsapp that says, "All men are goats!" And I ask her, "Have you given your father grass to eat today?" She blocked me! Please, did I ask anything bad?

A girl wrote on her status on Whatsapp that says, "All men are goats!" And I ask her, "Have you given your father grass to eat today?" She blocked me! Please, did I ask anything bad?

Kenny and Johnny were talking about their worst experiences... JOHNNY: My worst experience was when I stepped on a cockroach. KENNY: My own is when I ate rat poison. JOHNNY: WOW! Did you die?! KENNY: I'm not sure, I was too small to remember.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any experience in a leadership role?

AKPOS: Well, I am the admin for a whatsapp group.

AY the drunkard was stumbling down the street with one foot....http://jokeafrica..com/2016/05/you-are-drunk.html

Computer Interview A guy went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator." BOSS: So, what makes you suitable for this job? GUY: I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

Akpos the latecomer

Akpos had a bad attendance record for being particularly late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was...http://jokeafrica..com/2016/05/akpos-latecomer.html

KNOW YOUR VALUE A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a 1,000 naira note. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this 1,000 naira note?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this note to one of you, but first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth 1,000 naira." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special. Don't ever forget it! Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams. "VALUE HAS A VALUE ONLY IF ITS VALUE IS VALUED." Make some corner of the world distinctively yours. HAPPY NEW WEEK TO YOU ALL!

Meanwhile at the Hospital...

DOCTOR: why did you take your Medicine at 6 am yet I told you 9 am?

PATIENT: I wanted to surprise the Bacteria...

Akpos' wife had just given birth to a baby
AKPOS: Guess what it is?
FRIEND: A boy!
AKPOS: No, guess again.
FRIEND: A girl!
AKPOS: Ah! who told you?

Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. The Angel said, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agreed and were admitted in. The first guy made it a week before he lied about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appeared the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy made it another couple weeks before he lied about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appeared the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys were walking around with their monsters of women when they saw their third friend walking with the most beautiful woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys said in unison, "How did you land with this babe when we got stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudged the babe and said, "Tell them."
She said to the first two guys, "I lied."

One rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale.
AYO came to buy the book. He bought the book for 2,000 Naira.
The old man advised, "DON'T OPEN THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise, you'll face problems."
AYO finished the book with great fear but didn't open the last page.
But, after a week, out of curiosity, he opened the last page and he almost fainted with what he saw.
This is what he saw
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Selling Price: 20 Naira

AMERICAN ENGLISH: Shorts

BRITISH ENGLISH: Knickers

NIGERIAN ENGLISH: Short Knickers

Great News

The day after his wife disappeared in a car accident, a man answered his door to....http://jokeafrica..in/2016/06/great-news.html

In The Desert

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in...http://bc.vc/IqujVYk

Shollay20:
In The Desert

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in...http://bc.vc/IqujVYk

Shollay20 have you voted for Miss Nairaland?


https://www.nairaland.com/3178760/miss-nairaland-contest-2016-elimination/46?




Please do vote for her on the thread. Thanks

Smart Little Girl

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them."
But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets."
But the little girl didn't take the sweets.
The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear."
Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her.
While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?"
The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

James was returning home with his salary and was ambushed by an armed robber on a deserted street.
"Take my money, take my money!!" said James, "But do me a favour. Shoot a bullet through my cap here otherwise, my wife won't believe I was robbed."
The robber obliged. He threw James's cap into the air and shot a bullet through it.
"Let's make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers," said James, "otherwise, my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my suit."
So the robber shot a number of holes through James' suit. "
And now shoot...…"
"Sorry," interrupted the robber. "No more holes. I'm out of bullets."
"That's all I wanted to hear!" said James. "Now hand me back my money and some more for the cap and suit that you've ruined or I will beat you black and blue!"
The robber threw down the money and took to his heels.

Pictures of Jesus

My mum is too religious! Over 30 pictures of Jesus Christ hanging on our wall. I grew up thinking he was my uncle.

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to giveher a lift in his car. After a while, the man placed his hand on the sister's laps pretending he was looking for the gear lever.The sister looked at him and said, "Matthew 7:7" so he quickly removed his hand.After some time, he did the same thing again, the sister said, "Matthew 7:7" so he nervously took off his hand.The sister reached her destination, highlighted from the car and left.A little while letter, the man curiously googled the bible chapter, Matthew 7:7 on his phone andsaw, "ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU."

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled. Feeling embarrassed, she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down.Again, she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young manjust rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly had him summoned to court...JUDGE: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?YOUNG MAN: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read:"William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read:"Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." "It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for above herwas a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."The Judge dismissed the complaint!

Laughter is the Best Medicine, But if you Laugh for no Reason, You Need Medicine.

The Sister

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. After a while, the man placed his hand on the sister's laps pretending he was looking for the gear lever.
The sister looked at him and said, "Matthew 7:7" so he quickly removed his hand.
After some time, he did the same thing again, the sister said, "Matthew 7:7" so he nervously took off his hand.
The sister reached her destination, highlighted from the car and left.
A little while letter, the man curiously googled the bible chapter, Matthew 7:7 on his phone and saw, "ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO YOU."

Quiet Church
Submitted

A Sunday School teacher asked her children, "...And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Kunle replied, "Because people are sleeping."