Stepping out,that faithful morning, in the month of August with The University of Benin in mind, to scatter the much awaited PUME, little did I know that a very unpleasant event was going to take shine away from my Pume.

Immidiately i entered the school premises, I quickly folded my printed pume slip that was visible from the back pocket and hid it out of sight,smell and touch. This was simply because, i didn't want a situation where, I had to choose between the exam that brought me here, and using my Kung-fu skills to destroy the idiot that addressed me as "Jambito". So to avoid casualties and potential loss of human lives, I avoided making any move that gave the impression I was a Jambite.

I was so committed to keeping my vow that, when a Jambite like myself approached me for direction towards ICT center, i unknowingly directed him towards a bushy dead end where, according to my now roomates,all you needed was a mere five steps to burst out in Ghana.

I got to my venue and heard some students lamenting on how we needed our jamb original slip to be allowed into the hall. The thought of dashing Jamb 1k so early in the morning ontop the 43 they gave me in Use of english almost drove me to tears. The moment I stepped foot into the complex close to Main gate, all the cafe owners and their agents who have been specially trained to convince you on why at-least a photocopy a day increases your life span, descended on me. All i kept hearing was "Correct guy,come photocopy ur jamb and pume slip for my shop".. 10 were dragging my Leg to the North, 15 were busy with my arm,pulling it to far West. I didn't know which was more painful: the fact that I was getting ripped apart from different directions, or that it didn't take these people seconds to expose the secret i swore to protect with my life the moment i hid my pume slip at Main gate.

We were soon seated at the venue, Mtn Digital library. The exam was CBT and the room had more than enough computers to service us. The Library was lavished with air conditioners which were now tirelessly working round the clock to cool my aggravated temper. My stomach began to make this funny noise. "Abeg oh! Behave ur self. Today is a very important day" I warned silently,pinching my intestine to send a clear message that I wasn't in the mood for mind games. It was when I heard the same noise seconds later, only this time, twice as loud, I realised this was an alarm that could only be snoozed by the toilet. The toilet wasnt too far from the entrance so when i entered, I couldn't shhit in peace all cos I was afraid the noise my poo was going to create would draw attention or worst of all, disrupt the network signal we were going to use for the exam. What will i tell the VC and the disciplinary committee?

So I did my thing codedly, and on coming out, I saw this fine yellow paw paw girl cat-walking into the same toilet I just left looking like a scene from AMC's "The walking dead". Instantly, i knew she wasn't going to make it, so i bowed my head and silently prayed Heaven accepts her soul. I came back into the hall feeling relieved and in no time, we were done with the exam which lasted for 60mins. Asides the over sabi seated next to me who nearly used his heavy duty rock of ages 12th century caterpillar boot to switch-off my computer, there was no other indication during the course of the exam that suggested my village people sneaked thier way into the exam hall to monitor my progress.

I was seated at the back in the shuttle bus that was to take me home when my stomach made this noise that sounded like i had DJ Jimmy jat and Khaled trapped in my bowels & they were protesting their release via music. The next thing i felt, was something trying to run out of my jeans from the back... Something familiarly unpleasant. Oh shiiit!!

I ran out of the Bus that was yet to get filled. My destination, a tutorial center opposite the school gate. I got there and was told they didn't have a toilet and before I could ask them if they had an anus, an elderly man directed me to a transport company just outside. I got there and the Manager pleaded with me that somebody just took the key. At this point, I was already sweating...sweating profusely. My vision was getting blurred and i could feel the poo forcefully trying to escape with a very very strong warning "If you try run ehn, we go fall comot yakata. So respect yasef and walk like a gentleman".. I wanted to run to the next plaza but respected the shiit's command. Afterall, I was the one being held at gunpoint.

I forgot shame ever existed and kept pleading from shop to shop but kept hearing the same "No Key" story. It was that day I knew what Brother Oghenevare Jeremiah went through when he said in chaper 17 verse19 that, "The heart of man is desperately wicked". If an Angel had appeared and asked i choose between "automatic Heaven and a toilet", the answer would have been pretty obvious. I can always work my salvation later, the legal way.

I was this close to squatting in the middle of a busy street to offload, while making sure my head was wrapped in a black nylon. Afterall, nobody will see my face, and para-venture the street people broke in a hot pursuit, not even my shadow shall thy see,for my legs shall carry thee far far away before thy caputureth me. But just when I lost all hope and wanted to collapse and die, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. For the book of Mathew 7:7(New living translation) says" "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find". Brother Oghenetega Matthew was indeed right, because, right in front of me, less than a kilometer away, was what I seeked.

I met this fair pretty lady of average height at her Mother's shop, realyed my predicament and she told me using their toilet wasnt't an option, as her Dad was around. Rather, she showed me their Backyard where I could do my thing. I couldn't believe my ears. I nearly broke down in tears of appreciation, but held my tears halfway, cos considering how high my body pressure was, coupled with how swollen skinny me now looked,it wouldn't come as a surprise if the space meant for tears has since been occupied by my desperate poo.

I jogged into the big compound and found a perfect spot behind this harvested plantain tree, pulled my jean, but as I was about to drop, I saw this mighty elephant Dog charging toward me. Jisoooos! It all happened so fast. I wanted to run but was relieved when I saw a chain restraining it. I changed location just to be safe should incase the dog manages to convince the chain to let it go. I squatted, and the moment the first came out, I felt a feeling no word could describe. I was weeping and shiiting. Tears of joy. I began offloading and farting at the same time, but the Dog was looking visibly pissed by that action. It barked in rage,louder and louder with every fart, and at a point, I knew it was going to lose it's voice if it didnt accept defeat. The Dog eventually threw in the towel and kept quiet when it was clear i had a battalion of stored farts in my bowels eager to keep me in the lead.

I already had a plan mapped out should the Dog's barks draw the pretty lady's Dad's attention to the backyard. Use my rubber band as catapult, shiit as stone & temporarily blind him just to give me enough time to fly the fence and continue shitting in the next compound before he even gets the opportunity to shout "Thief Thief". But thank God, he never came. My idea of fame didn't include being dragged naked around a street in that hot afternoon with poo smeared all over my body. That's not my portion in Jesus name.

I was done and went to meet the pretty lady. Funny enough, I was beginning to feel ashamed after the spirit of shiiit left me. I thanked her severally, then brought out my wallet and gave her 500naira as a token of my sincere appreciation but she refused. I tried to convince her, but she still held her ground. So I dropped the money on the table, took something worth N50naira and walked away a happy man before she could even protest.

i loVe the atticulation of your presentatioN it speaks volume of how literally prowess your diction and sense of humour amounts..


Nice story


#caLLmeBERG

aaha op...lmao....buh sha dah 500# na lie o..I was there ..I saw you

LouisBERG:

i loVe the atticulation of your presentatioN it speaks volume of how literally prowess your diction and sense of humour amounts..


Nice story


#caLLmeBERG

Thanks

druxy:
aaha op...lmao....buh sha dah 500# na lie o..I was there ..I saw you

Story for the gods.

I also wrote uniben post ume .. August last year.. mine went smoothly except for bastard idiots that called me while I was bouncing in BDPA ,probably they knew I was a post umite, so they probably wanted to milk me,and a generator happened to be missing in the hostel where I lodged,so any new face was a suspect, and here I was being a potential 'suspect'.. .. and one was threatening to break my leg.. and here was four guys trying to accuse me of stealing the Gen .. lol.. as a sharp guy! I held my cool.. cuz na Confra guys, and I know they just wan intimidate me,but thank God sey na my Nokia 210 dey my pocket, dem no fit take am 4rm me cuz the fone na scrap.. after so much interrogation, dem just give up because I show no fear

At the end of the day.. I kuku buy gala for them and I wrote my post ume and ran back to Kano. lol

ksslib nice one!

@CaptainEcolejnr, you get luck. Some are not that lucky with BDPA boys.

Ksslib:
@CaptainEcolejnr, you get luck. Some are not that lucky with BDPA boys.

leave dat tin .. d highest dey can do is issue some slaps and take away some of ur possession like money & phone

CaptainEColeJnr:
leave dat tin .. d highest dey can do is issue some slaps and take away some of ur possession like money & phone

Exactly. But neither were you obtained nor slapped.

Ksslib:

Exactly. But neither were you obtained nor slapped.

yeah you're right

Ksslib:
Exactly. But neither were you obtained nor slapped.

See as u just dey show urself anyhow for free... If u too lazy to create blog, contact me!

laugh wan tear my belle

CaptainEColeJnr:
yeah you're right

If to say na Ekosodin, who knows! Your story might have been longer than what you posted.

Ksslib:

If to say na Ekosodin, who knows! Your story might have been longer than what you posted.

I dey fear dat place die... abeg ooo

CaptainEColeJnr:
I dey fear dat place die... abeg ooo

You are not alone. Even the crazy ones behave, the moment they step in Ekosodin. But it's better now sha comparing it with the past.

Ksslib:

You are not alone. Even the crazy ones behave, the moment they step in Ekosodin. But it's better now sha comparing it with the past.

yeah true!

Ksslib:
Story for the gods.

whats this one saying

Lol Nice Write Up.

Please!!! OP!!! I'm begging you with my Life... Create a Blog.... Ill post this till it gets To Motivate you to Create a blog.... This is one hell of a Write up....

Fieryblaze:
Please!!! OP!!! I'm begging you with my Life... Create a Blog.... Ill post this till it gets To Motivate you to Create a blog.... This is one hell of a Write up....

Lol. I appreciate the kind words.

Be rest assured i will do well to notify you when it's up and running.

OK

haha

Lol, this is one damm hilarious story, sorry @ op for all u had to go through just to poooo...

Greatest of the Greatest Uniben Students! Great!

Its your boi Harry Potter, Hall 4 Legend!

Pls I don't understand d new format nnairaland use to design deir page nnow ooo

Lalasticlala who changed it?

Eyahh pele.
One can still hold urine but when it comes to "shit" especially d diarrhea kind of shit.. I rest my pen.

Op you are a good writer.Welldone

I love this. Can't stop laughing

My first PUTME was a disaster. I didnt even bother to check my score.

FUTO thank u for making me feel like a dummy over and over till i conquered.

Moral lesson: Never say Never