ladyF:
He has become so used to you being the breadwinner it doesn't even bother him anymore, I don't want understand why he won't drop money for you and his kids when it's not as if he's not doing business. It's not your fault sha, you can't watch your family starve all because he didn't dop money.

Let me wait for the married people to come sha. What do I know...

midolian:
I ll commend you for doing what you luv doing, Taking Responsibilities AND condemn you for leaving him to do what he luvs doing, Avoiding responsibilities.

I can see the way you listed all the things you have done for him and the family as if you ve been getting prepared for this day.

Midolian
What are you saying now.
You sha just want to find fault with her abi
Is it her fault that she knows how to arrange her thoughts in a chronological order?

Like everyone's opined already, her hubby has gotten used to being catered for and he sees (maybe appreciates) you for the strong, intelligent and resilient woman that you are (He can do better).

MizMyColi:


Midolian
What are you saying now.
You sha just want to find fault with her abi
Is it her fault that she knows how to arrange her thoughts in a chronological order?

Like everyone's opined already, her hubby has gotten used to being catered for and he sees (maybe appreciates) you for the strong, intelligent and resilient woman that you are (He can do better).

To my surprise, my husband left me alone to do the hustling

@omoladunayemi
Is it because I always go ahead to provide the family needs that got me into the present predicament?

aaronson:
Ladyf made a brilliant point, he has become so used to you being the breadwinner. Now that's the problem diagnosed.

You a dogged fighter, Ambitious women, Resilient Empress.....With what you just explained out there, You are trice intelligent than your hubby, career oriented with capitalist mentality. I want a wife like you.

Back to solving your problem which is already diagnosed by ladyf and I approve of it.

* Stay yourself, continue with struggle, keep feeding the children.

* Never disrespect him, make food for him and if he doesn't eat, be yourself and don't feel guilt whatsoever.

* Cut down on spending, expenses and roles he ought to play in the family but when it gets to the nick of time when he seem hopeless about the problem, then step in to bail him out, HE WOULD THEN APPRECIATE YOU MORE. (This was the same mistake Tiwa Savage made when she kept taking up hubby roles and kept acting like everything was fine in the public eye, Don't continue with that mistake)

Lastly, Regardless of the financial situation in your family, always tell him you love him, yes it works magic, every one wants to be loved, Always tell your children too. This way, they understand every thing you doing is out of love you have for them.

Keep being the heroic wife you are and I hope to marry a wife like you.

omoladunayemi:
I quite appreciate your responses. Thanks a lot! I am practically worn out. The one Dt pains me most is d fact that I am losing my dream because of this marriage. Right from my university days, I av always dreamed of pursuing higher degrees overseas. In fact, that is one of the reasons why I resigned my job. I now have my M. SC in Nigeria here. I really desire to pursue my PhD degree Canada or US. But wen I think of my children, I think about what they will feed on - I usually drop my plan. I am not getting younger, I really feel I am wasting my years. With PhD admission in Canada, I know I can arrange a greater future for my children who can be invited later.
But I am currently bothered on what to feed on, and how to repay the loan I took.

general111:
op I think this fellow just nailed it...

midolian:
My dear, not really..

I just poured out my mind on this issue. I hate it when pple say I did this and that for him/her and despite that, he/she is treating me this way. Did you read the part where she said the only thing the guy bought for her's an umbrella? Lool. I feel that wasn't necessary. For her to admit the guy wasn't having as much as she had says it all..

Women are naturally this way, you know...You can pluck out your eyes for them, build castles in the air for them, do all the 'undoables' sef...in the end, she ll ask you "what have you done"?....and with the way she listed these things, I see her as one of these women.

Plus, we ve just seen her own side of the story. If you hear/see her husband's side, I am sure you ll be forced to be on his side.

x240:
3 kids in 9 years?


Una dey try o Nigerians. In this harsh economic situations people are still giving birth to kids like it is running out of fashion.

Even when you know you guys aren't bouyant and you have 2kids on ground to feed. Someone has to still go on and cause wahala by giving birth to an extra kid.

Why won't we be poor? Why won't you suffer? Why won't we have poverty all around us? When people can not plan and look at things holistically.

An average kid would spend 1k per day on feeding, in a year you wiuld expend nothing less than 500k on each kid. that's 1.5 million naira on the kids. You have not talked of the two adults. To maintain them you would have to spend atleast 500k each also. That's another 1million naira.

Total of 2.5 million in a year. How many Nigerians earn such money in a year? And you still have relatives, aged parents, siblings and families looking up to you to help them with cash. I have not even added, utility bills, health bills, house rent and other miscellaneous expenses.


So please tell me how you want to have money and be successfully and not live in penury and hardship. We are our own problems in this country and not the government. Every family is a government on their own and if you spend more than you make, no one needs to tell you rhe result.

kaboninc:



Hi Yemi,

Just as there are men who go out there under the rain and the scotching sun to put food on the table for their families or provide a shelter over their heads and other necessities of life, you will also find women who will never appreciate the efforts of these men. I just want you to note that it cuts across both genders.

Well, I want to think that the major problem you guys could be having would be managing financial responsibilities. I see an implicit way of dividing financial responsibilities among yourselves. I do not think he is irresponsible because you said that at one time, he provided and supported you when you resigned and pursued your Masters Degree. So he has that sense of responsibility. I also think that something is bothering him and you've need a way to find out through communication.

You guys could have to define who and who will be responsible (both individually and jointly) for certain expenses in the home. Another is the non-disclosure issue between you and your husband. Maybe he feels like having supported you in setting up a small business, the proceeds that comes out from it should be enough to settle petty bills and expenses - such as payment of the security bills. But unless you let him know that you have challenges like repayment of the loan, the status of the income generated, the expenses you incur in running the business, he will always think that all is well. You should also encourage him to be open and transparent at least to an appreciable extent about his financial position. You can do this by starting with yourself. As you already know, the worst that can happen to a man is not just the fact that he does not have money, but that he has no means of earning money.

I've come to know for a fact that some individuals (men and women alike) will never ask you about certain things which substantially affects them and so create a perception (an imagination) about situations and circumstances. This is very wrong and if your husband happens to behave in this way, I'll suggest you find a way to communicate to him in a way that he will understand. Communication in a subtle, calm and gentle way.

In your post, there's something I see that's lacking from your side. Maybe you have tried your best but it wasn't explicitly stated. Some men need a catalyst. They need someone who will inspire, motivate, and challenge them. They do not want financial support per se, but one who can look at their ideas, reason with them, help them polish it, help them grow and nurture it. Were/are you a catalyst?

However, most importantly is finding out if he has a dream? (Everyone has but not everyone knows). If he does, what does he say about it? What is he doing about it? You need to find out! You also have your dreams too (obtaining a PhD among others). Does the goals and objectives of you and your husband align? Are they going to be mutually beneficial? You said you have a Masters Degree, if I may ask, to what end and use? I think the Masters degree should give you an upper-hand in securing a better job while you both plan for the PhD.

Lastly, you seem more concerned for your children. More concerned in a way that you travelling to the US or Canada will only benefit your kids. There's nothing wrong with wanting the best for your children but always carry your husband along and make it known between you and him that it is 'our' and not 'my'.

Cheers!

omoladunayemi:
After much persuasion, he started a venture, but we still live on my business. The only thing he use his money for is to buy recharge cards. He always complain of lack of money.

We had disagreement on Tuesday over this same issue. He therefore stopped eating my food. To my greatest surprise, my husband began to spend money to buy food for himself, the money I never knew he has.

What shocked me most is this. I am the one that used to pay our security due. They came knocking for the money yesterday money. I refused to answer. He said I should give them 1000 naira, I refused. To my greatest surprise, he went inside and brought out N1000(mint) that I never knew he had. This is a man that never contributed any kobo for feeding o. If I ask him, he will get angry and say I am mocking him for his lack of money.

Now my question is this, am I too forward? as in, Is it because I always go ahead to provide the family needs that got me into the present predicament?

I will really appreciate ur sincere view. Thanks

tabithababy:
Na wa o. The moment your boyfriend,manfriend or husband knows you have money, he will become a liability to you to the extent of even borrowing money from you.

omoladunayemi:


I really wonder why you are picking issues with me. Did you read the part where I said he was the breadwinner? Did you also read where I said he contributed 100,000naira to my business? So, how did I say, "what have you done? ".

If you don't have any valuable advice, I guess it is better to be silent, than to make my heart bleed further. If you have never been fortunate to date women that go extra miles for their families, I am glad to tell you that many are out there.
Next time, you are reading topics like this, I advice you to be more objective so that you can contribute without taking sides.