Why I love you

Onegai:


Awww.

You know what you really need? A Mommy-and-me group. Somewhere where a few mums and their kids get together and just hang out and let their kids play and also get them off their hands for a bit.

It's overwhelming having children. Emotionally and physically. Just this morning, Baby E walked into our balconey-garden, grabbed a sponge I use to clean dirt and started eating it happily. See me panicking about germs and toxicity and googling "baby ate garden soil", whilst shrieking. Then I told myself "I ate carpet grass (because my stvpid brothers threw me facedown in it) and I turned out okay". And calmed down.

It's good that you're worried you're not going to be a good mum. That shows you are, because you understand the enormity of the situation, rather than being glib about it.

Do you have someone who can watch your son for a bit? So you can at least sit down for one hour and have nothing to do with him. It helps. Feel free to dump him in your husband as well. Nothing bonds more than you and he doing a wailing competition about who hasn't slept because of the child. Seriously, Himself swiftly counters with "I didn't sleep well either" everytime I moan about lack of sleep. No matter if I swear I heard him snore that night

Don't fret when mealtimes are a nightmare and bedtimes are war zones. You're learning valuable skills like Patience, Cunning and Intelligent Reasoning and Bargaining. All of which are excellent to use on adults

Children don't need money to be happy, they need your love and support. They don't need to go to fancy creches but will love spending time reading their storybook with you. And yes they will learn. There are so many resources online to help you give your child the best. So what if they don't learn how to swim at Ikoyi club, there's a pool at Alaka and it is still the same swimming they will learn there. You dig?

If you like, put up a flyer in your church and say you want to form a mummy and me group with 5 mums and you guys will meet up somewhere outside (Lagos is bereft of public spaces but there are some parks around. Where are you located?). So you guys can talk together and not feel so crazy and exhausted and no-one needs to cook and clean up after (that's why it's in public).

And you truly feel afterwards that you still don't want kids, get off NAIRALAND and tell your husband gently. You two will work it out. Okay?

You're going to be just fine!

5minsmadness:


On what premise do you make this assumption@bold? All u saw in her post was that she didn't have enough time and u used it to judge her whole character. Even she admitted that you only touched on part of the question. All I asked u to do was consider there were other aspects to her story and u lost sleep over it.

Me, tired?

I had a good night's sleep. Did you?

And on what premise did you assume that I did not read the entire opening post based on my original post? I have stated again and again, that I am expressing myself from a particular sentence in her post.

Haha, lost sleep? Try considering that we are in different time zones.

cococandy:
Why I love you

I take cheques, tenkyiu verra mush

OP, my cousin has only one child. He grew up in the village and swore that he was only having one child in his life. That child is now 33 years old. One of my exes was an only child, his father refused anymore. Heck, i met someone last year who is married and doesn't want any children at all. She has been married for 6 years now and is still confidently against having kids. All these people, they have money, not comfortable o, they have money. So lack of resources is not their issue. Don't let anyone tell you, you have a mental issue that needs help. Do you know if they are okay themselves

shrtermjbseeker:
he said it's a phase I'll get pass. I'm married, what do you mean by "living single?"

So he's not okay with your decision not to have more kids then?

crackhaus:

So he's not okay with your decision not to have more kids then?

he thinks one more is better but we are waiting until 3-5 years from now before the next child.

Onegai:


I take cheques, tenkyiu verra mush

OP, my cousin has only one child. He grew up in the village and swore that he was only having one child in his life. That child is now 33 years old. One of my exes was an only child, his father refused anymore. Heck, i met someone last year who is married and doesn't want any children at all. She has been married for 6 years now and is still confidently against having kids. All these people, they have money, not comfortable o, they have money. So lack of resources is not their issue. Don't let anyone tell you, you have a mental issue that needs help. Do you know if they are okay themselves

Thanks to cococandy and you. wheeeeeew! I'm not sick.

shrtermjbseeker:
Thanks to cococandy and you. wheeeeeew! I'm not sick.

I think you're just a bit overwhelmed right now. You need a break. I'd make a bet that before the 3 years is up, you'll be wanting another bebe.

shrtermjbseeker:
Thanks to cococandy and you. wheeeeeew! I'm not sick.

onegai is right though. The fact that you're worried you won't do it well means that you're concerned enough to want to do it right even perfectly. Some people reproduce just for the heck of it. You know the "we are married and therefore have to reproduce mindset".

At one point in my adult life I didn't want kids. I was worried I may not be up to task of raising another human being. And even worse I was scared stiff about labor pains. Everything I'd heard about it was horrible. So I was seriously considering not having any.

But you need to see me now. My DH even teases me that one day I'll tell him where I kept my other kids because I can't be doing this well without previous experience.

If you're doing a good job of raising the one you have, you're perfectly alright. Who knows you maybe even change your mind about having another.

shrtermjbseeker:
he thinks one more is better but we are waiting until 3-5 years from now before the next child.

Ohh good, problem solved.

3-5years is enough time for you to change your mind.
And on a personal note though, I don't know why anyone would want to have just one kid when there's nothing wrong with them medically...but that's just me.

Cheers...

shrtermjbseeker:
what happened was that it was no more wishful thinking. I got pregnant and had a child and saw the difference between "theory and practical".

You are actually very normal! Vast difference between theory and practical. A lot of women are scared of pregnancy when reality takes over fantasy.


It's funny how some people here attribute everything to trauma or not telling the whole story. You are able to feel that way because you chose to think beyond norms. Child care is no child 's play. You are a good person for not popping out kids for birthing sake, you worry because you care.

Op,
Nothing wrong or bad about not wanting to have more kids.Some people are not cut out to be mothers,its that simple.Some are born and happily nurture.
Unfortunately in naija if you say it,people feel you don't know what you want or that something must be wrong with you or that you need more practice.Unlike here where not wanting kids is normal as its your decision and that of your husband
I personally am not a kid or children person and I drew the line with my husband at 2 to fulfill all righteousness.I just know that in different circumstances,different upbringing i may have made a totally different decision.When you do not have natural maternal instincts you just know it deep down inside but you go along with society and make the best of it depending on your situation.

My problem is that your post feels like it's not really about motherhood not cut out for you but more of fear. Fear can be conquered.
Plus remember you cannot make that kind of decision without the agreement of your spouse after all he wanted two and you said three and you are now backtracking to one.You MUST both agree before moving forward.
Being a mother is not easy and sometimes you feel like you are losing your mind.Its probably worth it in the end if they turn out the way you expect.I don't know.
The good part is that you are accepting your limitations,if you truly do not want more and your hubby is fine with it,concentrate on building a beautiful life for your family.In the end,what people think doesn't really count especially if you are happy and at peace with your choices.I f all you can cope with is just one kid then by all means manage like that instead of having more and dying from frustration.

Good luck.

You are definitely not a bad person @ OP.

Others have said all that needs to be said in terms of advice but also thought to let you know that those thoughts cross a lot of people' minds.

I have two children and I honestly dread the thought of having another child. And this is not because I do not like children but because I am scared stiff of messing it up. I think raising children is such a HUGE responsibility and I do not want to unleash anymore damaged broken individuals into the world( I think we have more than enough at the moment).

With the two I have, I am so mindful of how we are raising them. I worry about their education, their morals, their mental well being etc. People keep second guessing me(us) thinking its about finances or as someone said to me this weekend' you want cheaper holidays abi ' Well it is partly about finances and but it transcends that for me. It is so many things and I don't think I have anything more to give another child right now. Maybe in the future when this two are less dependent but by then I might have reached menopause Maybe i would adopt then sha. I keep getting 'this boy needs an aburo' every other day and I have even had someone say to me ' Why are you trying to stop Gods blessings' Now I don't even bother replying or encouraging the conversation. As long as me and the person who matters, my husband are on the same page its all good.

I see babies and say awwwww ( I love how newborns look and smell ) but then I remember having to start all over gain and the aww stops I cuddle and hand back to the mother

My son is going into reception this September and we finally get to have a reprieve on full time childcare plus it would also mean a bit more structure on the school run. I really admire people with large families but I don't think its for me.

You will be fine. Follow Onegai's tips, they are really helpful.

I know I struggled more as a first time mum and definitely found the transition from one to two less daunting than from 0 to 1. I think its a kind of ' been there done that' experience that you have with the first one.

You are not a bad person though I seriously pray you consider giving your son a playmate/sibling so that when you are in your adult world with hubby he won't be lonely in his little world.
It's not always easy being an only child. Even if you like pamper and give him the whole world that emptiness would always be there. Speaking from experience.

shrtermjbseeker:
I am a mother to a 3 year old. I think children are cute, I love them and I enjoy teaching them. I've taught learners between 2 and 10 in various capacities even as a way of relaxing.

My son is my world, I love him beyond words and my life is all about him but I'm afraid to have more children. I feel being a mother is not my thing and I should focus more on building a career and give my son the best. I am afraid of pregnancy, taking care of a baby and training my own kids. I just feel I'll never be a good mom as I would like and I'll feel guilty for bringing them into the world.

All my life, I dreamt of having 3 kids. I almost broke up with my husband when we were dating because he said he wanted just 2. We talked about it and he agreed to 3. Now I am no longer interested in birthing. Am I a bad person?

You are very far from being a bad person.
I and hubby just want one kid too.

We don't want to spend all our money raising children. We want to travel the world and enjoy the money we make.

There's nothing bad about that it's just our choice.