Abeg your epistle tooo Long....


back to the topic.

Career before marriage = more packaging, added value marriage but marriage at Old age

Career after Marriage = no added value ' yet ', but marrying at the right time.

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndia abiakwa

This is one question that I'v been asking myself for long.


I'v known myself to be a career lady and I wish to be a Professor of Physics in the next 10 years and at the same time maintaining my home.

ok.

I find the initial post an attempt to be prescriptive.

Life isn't black or white but different shades of grey.

If this dissertation attempts to strike at the very core of the feminist idealogy, I feel it's very much misplaced. It buys validity from poorly thought-through popular conjectures.
One could argue ....with possible underlying misogyny.

I applaud the woman who gets married early, remains happily married, has children and develops a sterling career. Well done to her. But how many of these women exist happily in the West, much less in Africa??



But let's wake up and smell the coffee.....

How many of such women peep over their fence and see the grass greener on the other side and wish they had chosen a different life path A considerable number! If not all...

Its a well known fact that Women largely feel defined by their relationships or lack of it... This can be a platform or shackle depending on circumstance and personal fortitude.

But what they should focus on.... is excelling at their present encampment... is what I advocate..

Then and only then will they feel truly fulfilled whatever their personal circumstance.

In my job, I have met several women who married early,had children and got divorced or 'widowed' alongst the line and look at their unmarried nulliparous friends with envy...

Be it the ability to retain great physique, maintain an excellent career/ mind, have a huge power/ influence base or simply amass great wealth...... the single industrious woman who isn't waiting for a prince charming or scheming to get one through different means( great cooking/ bedmatics/ family member soliciting etc) ..... will achieve all these attributes and more... and should feel accomplished. And rightly so too.

Hopefully she gets her spouse at some point who will cherish her achievements whilst inspiring her on in a mutually compatible manner!!!!

Kudos ... to all the single women out there who have to deal with unending abuse/ stereotype about their singlehood..... but still go on with their work/ career and excel in a dignified manner.

3 hearty cheers!!!

3 gbosa to you all!!

.

TV01 - the OP seems like it was written by a female version of you.

There is a lot of truth and depth but as always, the naysayers will always posit otherwise.

Watch Like Share
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQTPpRp0WLA Be part of the program, live stream tomorrow mystery of marriage

Watch Like Share
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQTPpRp0WLA Be part of the program, live stream tomorrow mystery of marriage

in summary feminism is an effort in futility.

I’m Dating A Poor Man: Should I Marry Him?

One question that our readers have been asking since January of this year is, “Should I marry my poor man?” There is no simple answer to this question because it depends on the individuals involved, the chemistry between them, and the combination of both. Certain individuals (man or woman) handle poverty quite well and their character remain unscathed by the challenges it throws up. Such individuals hold fast to the values, honor, dignity, and decency that they developed around themselves, and are not taken off course by poverty, no matter how dire the situation.

Others, on the other hand, might struggle, and struggle really hard to cope with poverty. The challenges can be so devastating on certain individuals that they totally abandon honor, dignity, and values which they had developed around themselves for ages. Yes, the issue is not one for which anyone should be blamed or castigated. The key is to identify which group an individual belongs to, early enough in the relationship, in order to decide whether to marry them, or not. Another challenge to the question is that poverty can be gender biased. Society tends to forgive women more for failure to acquire wealth than it does men. Typically, poverty is not a life stopper for a woman, provided that she is good looking and smart. Men on the other hand are expected to have money regardless of looks and smarts.

Having laid out these background facts, a woman considering whether to marry a poor (or poorer) man should be adequately guided in her decision and, be able to decide for herself what she wants.

I come on the side of affirmation, and do so by assuming that the woman involved has done the preliminary work of ascertaining the character of the man in question -that the man is the type of honor and dignity even if all were to be lost. Obviously such men are not easy to find, because one has to sieve through the mountain of hay to find that single needle; but the search is well worth it. Marriage isn’t about finding a man who has every requirement on your checklist. If you’re only holding out for a rich “Mr. Right” -someone who has everything- you might be meant to remain single, forever.

Why should you really consider marrying a poor man?

Since we have established that men of character are desirable as husbands (irrespective of their financial status), the question turns to the woman involved! Are you a woman of character? Are you someone who maintains her values regardless of financial challenges? This question is as important as the main question because marriage can never work between a man of character who happens to be poor, and a woman of “easy life” -someone who drops her values immediately poverty comes knocking. Life never guarantees anything to anyone; so, everything remains possible in life, including abject poverty irrespective of how well one had planned, and laid all ducks in a row. The “black swan” factor is one that spares no one.

According to a satirical self-help book, “Smart Girls Marry Money” a successful marriage is the one that is based on love, and not money. You may think that having a husband who is financially stable, someone able to carry your financial burden, is desirable ; but, what happens if he loses his job, or source of income -which happens quite frequently these days of increase competition for opportunity and finite resources of the earth? What happens if his savings are depleted and he doesn’t have any money to support you the way you would like to be supported? Your marriage will end up breaking because the money that kept you closer to him would be gone by then.

Another reason you may even prefer marrying a man with less cash is that they actually make women happier because wealth often breeds disloyalty and other negative traits in men. This is according to the survey that was conducted by Dr. Adam Galinsky, who is a renowned professor of management and organizations at Northwestern University in Chicago.

A poor man is more likely to be faithful to you. When Tiger Woods apologized to his wife Elin Nordegren, he revealed openly that he felt entitled by his wealth to have extra marital affairs. Mr. Tiger Woods is not the only successful man who is having affair with women. Not only do studies show that poorer men are less likely to cheat on their wives, but scientists also found that richer men are hypocritical about cheating.

The above findings are also backed by marriage and family counselors. For instance, Ellen Galinsky, who is President and Co-Founder of Families and Work Institute, says that individuals with successful jobs are more likely to cheat on their partners, yet they criticize and condemn others who do it because they are wealthy, and their status evokes feelings of entitlement.

A poor man is more likely to champion his wife’s ambitions. Research published in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that wealthier men turn out to be more sexist than guys who are low-income earners. This is because such wealthy men regard themselves as alpha males. All the time, they feel that it is their duty to provide. This research was conducted by Beth Livingston, who is an assistant professor of human resources at Cornell University. Beth continues to document that poorer men are more supportive when it comes to their partner’s careers. Joshua Coleman, the author of Marriage Makeover, adds that a man who encourages his wife to fulfill her professional dreams or work tend to be happier.

What do experts say about women who marry poor men?

Read the rest here: http://husbandforme.com/im-dating-a-poor-man-should-i-marry-him/

So, to answer your question
Marry first if you find a good man.

Here to read comments

Mindfulness:





I believed your stories in my 20s and they even scared me. In my 30s I discovered that they were lies. Men become quite clingy and even desperate in their 30s and 40s.

yea....clingy for ladies in dere twenties,not thirties...

https://www.nairaland.com/3077827/career-advice-wish-25#45176923

A very beautiful thread by bookface.

Cc. STENON

geronimoedeh1:

yea....clingy for ladies in dere twenties,not thirties...

Yeah, in places where the average life expectancy is at 55.

bukatyne:
cc:

byvan03
Cococandy
Mmotimo
mindfulness
Shayebaby
EfemenaXY
Tearoses
blank
Onegai
Ewuro4
Edwife
Kimoni
Greatgod01
Taryour
Chillisauce
Ujoan
Damiso
Naijababe

Hi Bukatyne, happy new month

My brain cannot even reboot t to give you a comprehensive answer to this question. I don't have energy for long long posts on NL anymore . However I think like most things there is no One size fits all answer.

The OP does raise alot of valid issues but like alot of people have said seem to relate more to women in the west.

@ Bukatayne,

This one is dicey and I'd say it depends where you are. I don't know how anyone can start a career at 30 in any sector in Nigeria unless of course you plan on being self-employed, that particular conundrum means you are left with starting your career before marriage. In the West however, in my limited experience she makes some sense because there are safety nets in terms how the society is structured as there are often laws in place to prevent discrimination.

Having lived all my married life here, there are times that I have wished that I started having children earlier, I like to think that I married young (26) but for some reason we were both scared of starting a family immediately, him even more than I .

Either way, you can have both in my opinion but you certainly cannot have it like a man does as you will at some point have to make that sacrifice.

This topic makes me sad that's why i have not commented on the topic.

I wonder why women have to give up their careers or make compromises so that they can balance the two. I look back at the driven young lady that i was and wonder how i ended up here. I remember how i made my husband wait for more than 2 years before i married him just because i wanted a career. What's the point? Could have even married at 18 years and gotten it over and done with.

I look at my colleagues that we started together and when i see them in high posts and compare with myself and where i am, i feel so down. Don't get me wrong, i am blessed with how far i have come but i feel (i know) i could have done more.

My dad taught me that i was more than anyone's equal. I was intelligent, i was diligent and i was hungry for success. I was his carbon copy. But when he called me to his room to tell me to slow down and "make a home", it was the beginning of the end. I am a manger in an international company, earning good pay but feeling very disappointed because i know i could have been a whole lot more. Time out for maternity leave and it means you won't get considered for promotion regardless of how hard you've worked. Left a "stressful" job with prospects for an easier job with barely any, just comfortable pay. Didn't take up better offers because we felt that it would be too stressful on my growing family.

Rant over.

damiso:



Hi Bukatyne, happy new month

My brain cannot even reboot t to give you a comprehensive answer to this question. I don't have energy for long long posts on NL anymore . However I think like most things there is no One size fits all answer.

The OP does raise alot of valid issues but like alot of people have said seem to relate more to women in the west.

This is your shortest post ever warrapen?

blank:
This topic makes me sad that's why i have not commented on the topic.

I wonder why women have to give up their careers or make compromises so that they can balance the two. I look back at the driven young lady that i was and wonder how i ended up here. I remember how i made my husband wait for more than 2 years before i married him just because i wanted a career. What's the point? Could have even married at 18 years and gotten it over and done with.

I look at my colleagues that we started together and when i see them in high posts and compare with myself and where i am, i feel so down. Don't get me wrong, i am blessed with how far i have come but i feel (i know) i could have done more.

My dad taught me that i was more than anyone's equal. I was intelligent, i was diligent and i was hungry for success. I was his carbon copy. But when he called me to his room to tell me to slow down and "make a home", it was the beginning of the end. I am a manger in an international company, earning good pay but feeling very disappointed because i know i could have been a whole lot more. Time out for maternity leave and it means you won't get considered for promotion regardless of how hard you've worked. Left a "stressful" job with prospects for an easier job with barely any, just comfortable pay. Didn't take up better offers because we felt that it would be too stressful on my growing family.

Rant over.

Stumbled on your post from following Damiso and looking for her trouble.

First thing I wanna do is to give you a big hug and tell you not to be sad or have any regrets.
Yeah, you probably feel you could have achieved much more if you had not listened to him but trust me, there is never going to be a perfect life. Even if you had not slowed down and climbed the career ladder in a geometric progression, there is every probability you would still wish you had done some things differently or maybe something out of your control would have slowed you down. Life is never going to be perfect, It was designed to be perfect.

I am probably that kind of person you would think has it all career and family wise but trust me, maybe if I bare it all to you, you would know there's no perfect life. The grass only looks greener on the other side. Despite where I am, I wish I had not taken some steps in life but when those thoughts come, I quickly discard them and tell myself, those "wrong" steps I think I took have led me to a better place and made me a better person so no regrets. The journey of life is a very personal one.

#counterrantover #nomorelongposts #teamdamiso #lazywomenassociation

blank:
This topic makes me sad that's why i have not commented on the topic.

I wonder why women have to give up their careers or make compromises so that they can balance the two. I look back at the driven young lady that i was and wonder how i ended up here. I remember how i made my husband wait for more than 2 years before i married him just because i wanted a career. What's the point? Could have even married at 18 years and gotten it over and done with.

I look at my colleagues that we started together and when i see them in high posts and compare with myself and where i am, i feel so down. Don't get me wrong, i am blessed with how far i have come but i feel (i know) i could have done more.

My dad taught me that i was more than anyone's equal. I was intelligent, i was diligent and i was hungry for success. I was his carbon copy. But when he called me to his room to tell me to slow down and "make a home", it was the beginning of the end. I am a manger in an international company, earning good pay but feeling very disappointed because i know i could have been a whole lot more. Time out for maternity leave and it means you won't get considered for promotion regardless of how hard you've worked. Left a "stressful" job with prospects for an easier job with barely any, just comfortable pay. Didn't take up better offers because we felt that it would be too stressful on my growing family.

Rant over.

Lol! I feel you, more than you know. What you described is almost a mirror image of my experiences except that I've had it all, and some, and none, and more.

Yep, life moves in cyclic phases and it's a constant juggle to get it right i.e: work-life-balance. Like you, I come from a (pushy) family of go-getters / achievers. Take my dad for example: BSc Mechanical Engineering (Zaria), MSc Chemical Engineering, Imperial College (scholarship), MSc PetroChemical Engineering (Pittsburgh), PHD Engineering (Oaklahoma). Mum: BSc Computer Science (London), MSc MicroBiology (Oaklahoma) plus some extra post graduate qualifications in Naija she obtained on their return. Plus she never failed to remind us how she combined undertaking a full-time Masters degree with 3 part-time jobs in the states and 2 kids under the age of 5.

So the very high standards were set from the onset and the expectations were non-negotiable. Failure giving up was never an option for any of us, moreso for me being the first child. It was forever drummed into my ears by my dad, "you're the ambassador of this family", while mumsie would chip in with her emotional blackmail, "you know I have mostly girls oh! Pls put your head down and face your studies". I got that at the start of EVERY school year. Talk about pressure.

But anyway, growing up in that environment, by 17 I had my life fully mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted, my career aspirations, my goals in life, my intended achievements, and most of all - my independence.

But one thing I didn't factor in was society's expectations of the girl child. I.e marriage. By age 22 I felt I was fast becoming an old maid destined for the shelf. My parents thought I was crazy to think so but I felt otherwise. So on completion of uni, I didn't see much point in waiting and shortly after youth service tied the knot. Even during my first pregnancy, body still dey sweet me as per still pushing on with my career and attending job interviews. I think it finally hit home (understanding the sacrifices one has to make) when I birthed my first child. Childcare as you know is a big deal over here and for a young couple starting from scratch, you have to carefully weigh your options. Don't get me wrong, I was working oh, always had been, but just not in my field / up to the professional level I was trained for. I had to settle for something "less" to spend more time with our son but that didn't stop me from trying to "put my foot through the door" so to speak. I did get exactly what I wanted (within an investment bank) about a year later, but what I didn't realise at the time of my interview was that I was already pregnant with my 2nd son. The stress was no joke but I worked right up to the EDD then went on maternity leave. To cut a long story short, I had to give up my career after delivering my son because 3 months later I had taken in again with baby no. 3.

But did that stop me itching to get back out there? No. But I had to face reality. With no immediate family over here, hubby and I had to rely totally on ourselves. Sure we had FIL who helped out in his own little way but how much could an elderly man do with 3 very young kids? So I had to take a painful step back and settle for a very part time job with next to no career prospects. Meanwhile, the gap in my professional work experience was widening. Applying for those graduate roles yielded little or no results plus the economy was experiencing a downturn post the dot.com boom and bust. I was no longer eligible for graduate positions as I'd graduated from uni a couple of years ago by then.

To say I was getting frustrated with each passing day is an understatement. I'd spend hours on the phone with my dad bemoaning my fate till he suggested doing my masters degree. I applied to all the posh uni's here, even to the one my dad attended (Imperial College), but they all rejected my application. T'was then he reminded me that even his uni was an elite one and I should consider one with less "status" as long as the certificate is recognised. No wahala, I did and got taken. As I'd been working part time at my dead-end job for some years, I was able to fully fund my full-time degree without having to take a loan from the bank.

So your sister was schooling full-time: Mon-Wed, working part-time: Thu-Sat and pregnant with the 4th baby. Chei! I remember when I realised I was pregnant, and even remembered the yeye see-through red and blank lingerie that put me in the predicament, plus the day it happened. Mtcheeew

It was a struggle oh, but I eventually saw it through and two years later eventually got what I wanted, career wise. I remember saying I intended to have 4 kids by / before age 30. I was told I'll age before my time oh!

Anyway, like you, I know if I'd waited or not even had kids, I know where I'd be career wise but either way, sacrifices would still have been made. At least I'm back on track. I done born finish and closed shop. So I can focus totally on my career and thankful it's getting better and better. The icing on the cake is: the government's removed the compulsory 60 / 65 year old retirement age. So one can work till their 80' / 90+ as long as they're of sound mind and physically fit to do the job.

I intend to do just that, God willing. Afterall, where the brain is concerned, you either use it or lose it.

So yeah, I totally get how you feel, but don't worry, it's only going to get better girl!

P.s: At one point post marriage, popsie had a 1-2-1 chat with me reminding me, "you're not a man" and asking me to slow down. But who brought me up to follow in their footsteps?

On another ocassion, he noted I'll enter the delivery room with a text book. Lol!!

Kimoni:


Stumbled on your post from following Damiso and looking for her trouble.

First thing I wanna do is to give you a big hug and tell you not to be sad or have any regrets.
Yeah, you probably feel you could have achieved much more if you had not listened to him but trust me, there is never going to be a perfect life. Even if you had not slowed down and climbed the career ladder in a geometric progression, there is every probability you would still wish you had done some things differently or maybe something out of your control would have slowed you down. Life is never going to be perfect, It was designed to be perfect.

I am probably that kind of person you would think has it all career and family wise but trust me, maybe if I bare it all to you, you would know there's no perfect life. The grass only looks greener on the other side. Despite where I am, I wish I had not taken some steps in life but when those thoughts come, I quickly discard them and tell myself, those "wrong" steps I think I took have led me to a better place and made me a better person so no regrets. The journey of life is a very personal one.

#counterrantover #nomorelongposts #teamdamiso #lazywomenassociation

You are not serious thank God you know you are looking for my trouble

Don't mind me jare, my laziness no get part 2


How are you and the family? How are you 'enjoying' the long school break? Have a lovely day

Kimoni:


This is your shortest post ever warrapen?

I no get energy for epistle again

EfemenaXY:
[/quote]

[quote author=Kimoni post=48132810]

Thanks a lot. Been quite depressed for a while. I got what i thought was finally the 'IT' job only to find out i was expecting another child, so random and so out of the blues. Now, everything else is on hold for life to happen.

I remember growing up and thinking we all got our brains from our dad because he was the one that had made it from his humble beginnings, only to see my mum's result. She was a straight A student, even got scholarships and was a branch manager in a bank at a very young age. Was wondering how she ended up a school teacher and then a civil servant in a very lazy parastatal. Ah, see what marriage does to someone and i don't want to be that someone. We had a frank chat and i asked her several of these questions and she says that she is happier now than then.

She was able to be our home lesson teacher, teach us reasonably good English, go for our events, take time off whenever she felt too lazy to go to work, etc. Trying to convince me that this path is the right path. She is happy but i am not. Wish i was a boy maybe that's why i have 3 boys now. So that no one will have this kind of empty feeling.

blank:




Thanks a lot. Been quite depressed for a while. I got what i thought was finally the 'IT' job only to find out i was expecting another child, so random and so out of the blues. Now, everything else is on hold for life to happen.

I remember growing up and thinking we all got our brains from our dad because he was the one that had made it from his humble beginnings, only to see my mum's result. She was a straight A student, even got scholarships and was a branch manager in a bank at a very young age. Was wondering how she ended up a school teacher and then a civil servant in a very lazy parastatal. Ah, see what marriage does to someone and i don't want to be that someone. We had a frank chat and i asked her several of these questions and she says that she is happier now than then.

She was able to be our home lesson teacher, teach us reasonably good English, go for our events, take time off whenever she felt too lazy to go to work, etc. Trying to convince me that this path is the right path. She is happy but i am not. Wish i was a boy maybe that's why i have 3 boys now. So that no one will have this kind of empty feeling.

Ah! New mummy to be hormones.

Congratulations babe.

Don't worry, it will get easier. It really will. Just be a little bit more patient

damiso:


You are not serious thank God you know you are looking for my trouble

Don't mind me jare, my laziness no get part 2


How are you and the family? How are you 'enjoying' the long school break? Have a lovely day

I 'shipped' them somewhere o. It's a busy period @ work so I couldn't go through the Dec. experience this time. And you? They are showing you the stuff they are made of?

Kisses to my young soldiers

Congrats blank. And relax babe, it's gonna be fine. Things have a way of falling to places

blank:
This topic makes me sad that's why i have not commented on the topic.

First of all, thanks for your honesty. You have perfectly described the problems millions of women face.

I wonder why women have to give up their careers or make compromises so that they can balance the two. I look back at the driven young lady that i was and wonder how i ended up here. I remember how i made my husband wait for more than 2 years before i married him just because i wanted a career. What's the point? Could have even married at 18 years and gotten it over and done with.

I look at my colleagues that we started together and when i see them in high posts and compare with myself and where i am, i feel so down. Don't get me wrong, i am blessed with how far i have come but i feel (i know) i could have done more.

My dad taught me that i was more than anyone's equal. I was intelligent, i was diligent and i was hungry for success. I was his carbon copy. But when he called me to his room to tell me to slow down and "make a home", it was the beginning of the end. I am a manger in an international company, earning good pay but feeling very disappointed because i know i could have been a whole lot more. Time out for maternity leave and it means you won't get considered for promotion regardless of how hard you've worked. Left a "stressful" job with prospects for an easier job with barely any, just comfortable pay. Didn't take up better offers because we felt that it would be too stressful on my growing family.

Rant over.

Let me tell you something, some women regret taking the career path and neglecting their private lives. Other women, just like you, regret not achieving more due to the responsibilities on the home front.

I believe that regrets are a choice and a matter of perspective.
Whatever path you take in life, you can look at it and be grateful for what you have or look at it and feel sad about what you don't have.

It's not about the conditions, it's about whether we see the glass half full or half empty.

Moreover, you can still achieve more. It's not about age, it's about drive.

Kimoni:


I 'shipped' them somewhere o. It's a busy period @ work so I couldn't go through the Dec. experience this time. And you? They are showing you the stuff they are made of?

Kisses to my young soldiers

Congrats blank. And relax babe, it's gonna be fine. Things have a way of falling to places

Not yet upper week but we are going away so I hope it wont be that bad :DD Decided to spend the last few weeks with them by then the energy would have dissipated( hopefully ).

Will do and kisses to yours too


Blank, congrats.

Don't worry you will be fine, things have a way of working out in the end. You will be fine.

blank:
This topic makes me sad that's why i have not commented on the topic.

I wonder why women have to give up their careers or make compromises so that they can balance the two. I look back at the driven young lady that i was and wonder how i ended up here. I remember how i made my husband wait for more than 2 years before i married him just because i wanted a career. What's the point? Could have even married at 18 years and gotten it over and done with.

I look at my colleagues that we started together and when i see them in high posts and compare with myself and where i am, i feel so down. Don't get me wrong, i am blessed with how far i have come but i feel (i know) i could have done more.

My dad taught me that i was more than anyone's equal. I was intelligent, i was diligent and i was hungry for success. I was his carbon copy. But when he called me to his room to tell me to slow down and "make a home", it was the beginning of the end. I am a manger in an international company, earning good pay but feeling very disappointed because i know i could have been a whole lot more. Time out for maternity leave and it means you won't get considered for promotion regardless of how hard you've worked. Left a "stressful" job with prospects for an easier job with barely any, just comfortable pay. Didn't take up better offers because we felt that it would be too stressful on my growing family.

Rant over.

Wow, I really feel your pain. But the reason why we work is so we can get a better life. And what is a better life, if not for our family? Our children etc.

Truth is I first thought that money and career would make me happy. As i see myself excel more than my peers. But in a long run, if we neglect our family, children in the way. There is no true happiness.

cruchenuti:


Wow, I really feel your pain. But the reason why we work is so we can get a better life. And what is a better life, if not for our family? Our children etc.

Truth is I first thought that money and career would make me happy. As i see myself excel more than my peers. But in a long run, if we neglect our family, children in the way. There is no true happiness.

Better life should be about me. . Be selfish about life and reach for the stars. Career makes me happy. There is nothing better than being told that you were the best in whatever work stunt going on. It's the reason I can leave my house by 6am and return by 8pm thru traffic.

Having to soft pedal is not my thing. But the kids didn't asked to be born so I have to make sure they excel way more than I can. I just hope I don't start living my life through them.

Mindfulness:


First of all, thanks on the home front.

I believe that regrets are a choice and a matter of perspective.

Moreover, you can still achieve more. It's not about age, it's about drive.

No more drive. Everything's gone. But I have made my choice to be grateful for what I have and to ensure I replicate it in my kid's lives. They are boys so no stopping them.