ank you very much.
Your brilliance shines through.
I shudder at the hypocrisy and double standard Nigerians exhibit daily.
This lady is a rare gem and no man or woman should tell her otherwise.

Seeing her brilliance and personality made my day. It was nice knowing that my motherland still breeds classy ladies.

devvland:



FLAW. How is she flawed? Because she knows her worth and wishes to valued for it? Because she speaks her mind? Because she seems to insist to be treated right? Because she sounds intelligent and has presented and marshalled her thoughts with unerring precision? If you love those qualities you wouldn't be so quick to assume they would easily degenerate to FLAWS.

We admire brilliance from a distance. We hate to have it stand next to us cos it shines bright and illuminates all our own flaws, inadequacies and pretences.

If that lady was a man nobody would call her flawed. In fact everybody here would be admiring her level headedness. But we have such double standards...that confidence and self-esteem (the cardinal traits for strong human personality) are a flaw in a woman. Funny thing is we don't even see that our perception is flawed. It's a shame.

zed7:

You're not making sense. Totally incoherent.

I will like a third party to judge bt dat will derail d thread.I hope u read more books.

@AdaAda1331, I have only read the first page of your thread and some things immediately hit me hence this response.

1. I can understand your feeling of self worth and what you mean when you say they do not know your worth. I understand it as not pride but the knowledge that you have a lot to offer your man and his family in terms of being the best wife possible. I can relate

2. I think that even YOU do not untherstand his brother's comment that you are selfish and controlling. Lemme explain what I am certain he means. Your man has been financially and otherwise dependent on his father and step mother all his life and in particular during his educational pursuit. Now he is in his finals and he has set a wedding date for immediately after he is independent. Which means that as soon as he graduated and starts earning an income he intends to focus solely on you his wife and abandon the hands that fed him. That is where the selfishness comes in because you are not seeing it like that. The control comes in because they believe that you made those plans with him and if he is already taking a stand at independence it is obvious that you control him albeit in a subtle way. You decide what he actions he takes.

My take. You mentioned being 22. Why the hurry? If the family feels that you guys should wait for four years why not make a compromise? To my mind they do not hate you but see you as wanting to reap the fruits of their hard work. Why not compromise for two years and within those two years make the family realise that you being around does not mean he will not assist them financially. Also, within those two years nothing stops you from also ingratiating yourself in their hearts by buying them gifts on worthy occassions and making yourself a part of the family. I don't think you have done that.

Also, something you said makes me feel you are immature. The reason I say this is because you said you have already decided to call the relationship off. That tells me that you do not know the real meaning of love. Love is not something you switch on and off. If the guy is as amazing as you made him out to be well...I would fight for my love

Just so you know, I write from experience. I am married to a man whose bling said he (hubby) will marry me over his dead body. Today we have been married almost 9 years and that same brother is putty in my hands. He calls me mama now. His parents said no but they now call me every time to thank me for one thing or the other.

I think you still need some time

I am really appalled at how people here are concluding OP is arrogant all because she said she knows her worth!! By the way there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!
If at all, I think OP you are intelligent and wise beyond your age. Despite the aspersions you have remained calm and objective to responses to some ignorant claims here. This is the problem with the Nigerian society, you are disliked or termed proud when you have an opinion. This is why our society has collapsed because nobody wants to challenge the statusqo. I'm glad you know your worth, what you can and cannot take. We have a lot of miserable people whose sense of self worth has so eroded that they hardly know what they deserve. On this matter, if your guy is emotionally independent and strong willed then give a chance. He doesn't need his family approval for a choice of a life partner all they are entitled to is the courtesy of informing them. Many homes have destroyed because of petty family interference please run away from a man that doesn't have a mind of his own.
The bible has its reason why it said a man should leave mother and father and CLEAVE...again it is not in your place to try to change his family to love you. Be yourself and respect boundaries, give opinion when asked.
In my case MIL came initially with unsolicited opinions about me and hubby shut her down! Today we've been together for 5yrs no issues and everyone is getting along very well. My dad trained us to be independent, have a healthy dose of self worth .
You are the type of girl I've been seeking for my younger bro to meet jor! If your guy is not ready to fight for you and make his family understand their approval is not required to wife you then move along.
There is nothing wrong in getting married at 22yrs or immediately after graduation. You learn and grow together.
If your answer to my 2nd to last para is yes go for it

AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

Investing 5 years of your life in a relationship is not 5 days deary also u can't "dump" him and just move on, is there no other man in your life apart from him? Time waits for no one baby, don't say no to your admirers and toasters,unless u're ugly and your life depends on only him so don't put your eggs in 1 basket else u find yourself in 1 casket! if any of them (other men approaching u) is serious he would make the bold step of seeing your parents,if his own family don't want to be part of " The wedding" they wouldn't be part of the marriage either! Move on but don't dump him

Whether to marry him or n depends on your husband to be.

Is he that man? Or a boy that can be easily manipulated ordered or directed by his family against his own wish? If yes, then run. If no, stay!

For such such go man a you described him, he should should able to create limits and protect hi hi against undue interference.

I tread a different route from most here and commend you for your emotional intelligence on this thread. You have shown great matuirity over criticisms deserved and undeserved by people that don't know you nor have all the details.

There are some beautiful advice that have been given here. I know you know them. Follow them and jettison the rest.

You are smart and assertive and emotionally intelligent and humble enough to learn but you have weaknesses too like the rest of us. Keep working on overcoming them and becoming a better person. Never let hurtful words by some here get to you. Take charge.

Your decision to quit the relationship now is sound. All your family and friends can't all be wrong and you the smart one.

Focus on your dreams and purpose. Give him enough space. After some years if destiny brings you back and you want to marry him then do so. But if not, you'll find another. Bottomline, giving him space will give you the clarity of mind and the wholeness you need to make better weighty decisions like the choice of a marriage partner.

Best wishes.

Pls my advice to u is that u should becareful and follow ur heart. But remenber marriage is for better for worst

Marry him the only reason your parents would tell you to discontinue the relationship is Bourne out of fear that if anything happens to the man the family members would maltreat you but not anymore at the current level society is now it doesn't matter you are protected

RichyRodman:





Investing 5 years of your life in a relationship is not 5 days deary also u can't "dump" him and just move on, is there no other man in your life apart from him? Time waits for no one baby, don't say no to your admirers and toasters,unless u're ugly and your life depends on only him so don't put your eggs in 1 basket else u find yourself in 1 casket! if any of them (other men approaching u) is serious he would make the bold step of seeing your parents,if his own family don't want to be part of " The wedding" they wouldn't be part of the pmarriage either! Move on but don't dump him

Choi! Am shocked that this advice is coming from a guy. Move on but don't dump him?

Tomorrow it will be 'two timing bitch'

Onegai has said it all. Improve on your character. Not just for this current relationship but for future relationship if God allows you to move on.
I'm also a doc. Most times our greatest weakness is "to knowism" . Take time to analyze the Criticism whether constructive or not, improve on your self by bending over and be humble. Sometimes when you know better you need to keep quiet so people can learn on their own without you making yourself the sacrificial lamb.
Cheers

Cutehector:
Pls marry him

What his parents are seeing might be needful


Background contributes to child up bringing

AdaAda1331:



Thank you for your response. I don't expect you to be able to understand from brief messages online and be able to give sound advice, but I do appreciate you giving your time to respond.

Sure thing

Hello dear,

Sincerely I haven't read every post on this thread. So forgive me if I have to re-echo any point that has already been made.

I won't ask you questions, I would simply give you my candid opinion of the matter.

First things first, we are Africans and it is best that we factor in this important facet of our personalities into consideration when making decisions.
If you marry an African Man, if he likes let him be Mr Independent, you have married INTO his family. Shikena! Let nobody deceive you into rationalising that he is an independent man or educated or blah blah blah. Note that I did not say you are married TO his family, rather INTO his family. While they won't be calling ALL the shots in your marriage (that's if your man is truly a man of his own), You become one of them for as long as your marriage stands. In-laws are the family that God allows us the ability to choose - CHOOSE WISELY!

Marriage is like a wrapped up box, no matter how much advise you get, it is only inside the marriage you'd see what's truly in it. From experience I am assuring you that you do not want to enter a marriage where your in-laws are not in agreement with you. It may work for a man to marry his wife even when her family disapproves. But if you marry a man where his family does not approve, the heartbreak tears you try to avoid now would most probably be cried a lifetime.

What happens to you if unfortunately you have child bearing problems? "The witch has eaten my grandchildren"
What happens to you if unfortunately after marriage the man loses his job or business fails? "I said it that woman is evil, ever since she entered my son's life, it's one sorrow or another"
What happens if he quarrels with his family over you? "That witch has come to scatter our family"
The list goes on......

Now when the love is still fresh, the man would say he would support you through whatever. But remember, this is family - breasts that suckled him, hands that fed him, eyes that cried for him, lips that sang to him, in fact they contributed a whole lot to the creation of that man u have now fallen in love with. Think about how he would feel 10 years from now (when the shakking craze of love is reduced) when his mother is crying on top your matter.

Even the Bible says "Shrewd is the one that sees calamity and conceals himself". In marriage, when we face problems we'd turn to God, but really why should we stress Him about problems he has already shown us beforehand

If you truly love your man this is what I think you should do:

1. Make concerted efforts to gain approval of his family. You may not gain their love as some people find it hard to love. But try gaining their approval and DO IT BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO" NOT AFTER

2. Involve your man so you can both make combined efforts to seek the family's approval.

3. If after all is said and done, they simply REFUSE to approve of you, my sister pack your luggage and take the next flight out of that relationship!
The tears you would cry for a broken relationship would last a few months, at most a few years. But the tears you would cry in a marriage filled with in-law drama are forever. In fact you'd realise that your kids would join you to cry those tears whether the man is dead or alive. This is Africa, please don't start what you cannot finish. If the family already has drama on their own, and you feel you have the golden egg of the family who is different from them all and you both would be in your own lover's cocoon forever, please wake up.

Cc
AdaAda1331

DeeMain:
I tread a different route from most here and commend you for your emotional intelligence on this thread. You have shown great matuirity over criticisms deserved and undeserved by people that don't know you nor have all the details.

There are some beautiful advice that have been given here. I know you know them. Follow them and jettison the rest.

You are smart and assertive and emotionally intelligent and humble enough to learn but you have weaknesses too like the rest of us. Keep working on overcoming them and becoming a better person. Never let hurtful words by some here get to you. Take charge.

Your decision to quit the relationship now is sound. All your family and friends can't all be wrong and you the smart one.

Focus on your dreams and purpose. Give him enough space. After some years if destiny brings you back and you want to marry him then do so. But if not, you'll find another. Bottomline, giving him space will give you the clarity of mind and the wholeness you need to make better weighty decisions like the choice of a marriage partner.

Best wishes.

You've spoken very well and have summarized alot of the posts on this thread. Thank you.

To answer some of the questions on here...

-No, he's not financially independent. We see this as one of the precipitating factors.

-He's strong willed, not easily influenced by his family. Even before we met, there has been issues because of his decision to keep in contact with his biological Mother.

-I have told him my stance. He obviously doesn't think it's fair because it's stemming from his parents and not his character. He's cried several times and his mother has even cried to my mother to beg her to change her mind.

-My education is not going to my head and I don't think I know it all. In fact, I've commended my guy for knowing and being clear through all of this, and still knowing that he will marry me no matter what because it has left me confused. Seeing that I still don't have a definite stance made me realize that I still need time, this is what I told him and my parents. I'm happy that this whole situation has shown my weaknesses as a person and my weaknesses in the relationship. I'm happy for the growth that'll take place after this is all said and done.

-I probably shouldn't have used the term relationship because I've been speaking to potential suitors all this time. My "eggs" are not in one basket. I've spoken to several different men that have mentioned marriage and proposed. However, nothing has clicked for me. I know I have a lot of time (kinda) and I know better will come.

-I agree with some of you that mentioned his family wants him to contribute to them first. I didn't see that until you all mentioned it. It makes a lot of sense and I've told him to take that into account before he decides to come for me again, if that's his wish.

Again, I'm very pleased with the amount of responses so far. I appreciate you all giving me advice like you would a sister or daughter. I've learnt from you all and I'll keep these messages as a written reminder to give me strength through all of this. I strongly believe God speaks through people so your words are not going unnoticed.

Thank you all very much.

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.



His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you?



Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.

What have you done to prove yourself to his family?



I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.

However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?

Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.



Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.


You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.

Hmmm, u really took time 2 breakdown dis story, Good job!

ferdison:
its two ways now....
If u follow ur heart and things turn out bad, ur family will blame u... And if u follow ur family n end up wit anoda person who gives u hell, then u will not forgive ur family....
i advice u pray more, follow ur heart n take counsel from mayb ur pastor....()

PS. Who gives shoutout after FTC...?? Only those with Idle hands... Receive miracle jobs...amen

Amen ooooo to my admission

AdaAda1331:
.

my dear, please you sound like a gentle person. marriage changes people even you, please if your not comfortable, back out. I thought like you before getting married but right now I wish I didn't. in my case I heard lots of negative dreams yet I ignored them and moved in. please if his family is divorced it will affect yours. people from separated homes feel they can Remarry when their wives are not behaving well. please look for a family background like urs, please.