One day,a lawyer waz driving down 2 his house 4rm d court with his limo.he met 2 men across eating grass.he asked his driver 2 pull ova n asked d 1st man: why r u eating grass
d man answered him: sir,i dnt hv moni 2 buy food.he asked him 2 come 2 his house with him.
he told him:sir,i hv a wife n 2 kids,dey r sittin unda tree.he told him 2 come with dem. he also told d 2nd man 2 come with dem n he answered him:sir,i hv a wife n 6 kids.he told him 2 come with dem.
When dey were now goin 2 d man's house,
dey said:sir,we thank u 4 allowin us 2follow u 2 ur house.we thank u also 4 even talkin 2 us.
d man answered dem:"dats gud.u're all going to love my house.d grasses r much taller.

nice !!! I've heard it b4 though

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to, ".

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of , " gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Ma'am?, Good Lord, she's fainted!"

This one is harder to chew

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Fair.

[color=][/color] good job man awesome jokes, [color=][/color][color=][/color]

@Uchedude, thanks man

ko o

Golf Game
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper, "

Ripped from facebook

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Valentine's day, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK.

You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah.

This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you

can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a

while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get

very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would

the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . .

how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a

really good wish.



Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.

My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women . . .

know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent

treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say,

'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said,

"You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

:d

you try

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