Some of the jokes you'll see here are ribald jokes. if they seem offensive, leave.

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

[center]A guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little
brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she
wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts
up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!
[/center]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students the
teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While
the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer,

Boy.: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[center]
Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, women's breasts are like
melons,
round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mom, how many kinds of "Willies" are there?" The mother,
surprised,
smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his
twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration.




[/center]

[center]Problems, Problems.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you got to help me!"
"What's your problem?" asks the Doc
“Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole, I give the missus a
quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the
next door neighbour's wife who gives me a Mouth Action during the ride. Once
I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the
photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.
At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.
For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go
home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus
another screw, ”
"So" asked the Doc. "What's your problem?"
The guy replies, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

[/center]

[center]Little Willy

Little Willy keeps disrupting his third grade class by farting loudly. So his
teacher keeps him behind after school and insists on knowing why.
Willy says, "I do it, because I can do it better than anyone else!”
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you
stop?" Little Willy agrees.
The teacher places two sheets of paper on the floor, and covers them
with equal amounts of chalk dust. Willy drops his pants, squats over the
paper and farts. He blows all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher drops her knickers, lifts her skirt, squats and farts. When
she finished and there is not a trace of chalk dust in sight. Willy is
amazed and asks if he can see her do it again.
She is willing and repeats the process. But this time Willy peeks up her
skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaims indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!"

[/center]

Yard word

A guy gets into his grubbiest clothes on a Saturday morning and sets
about all the chores his wife has been hassling him to do for weeks. He
cleans the garage, prunes the hedge, and is halfway through mowing the
lawn when a very attractive woman pulls up in her car. She yells out of
her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The guy thinks for a minute and answers,
"The lady that lives here lets me sleep with her."

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women.

(What it really means)
1 I think of you as a brother (What it really means)
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing dude in Deliverance

2 There's a slight difference in
our ages (What it really means)

I don't want to play with my dad.

3 I'm not attracted to you in
'that' way. (What it really means)

You’re the most ugly bastard I've
ever laid eyes on.

4 My life is too complicated right
now (What it really means)

I don’t want you spending the
whole night as you might hear
phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.

5 I've got a boyfriend (What it really means)
I’d rather spend the night with
the TV and a half-gallon tub of
Ben and Jerry's.

6 I don't date men where I work (What it really means)
I wouldn't date you if you were
the only guy in the country let
alone the same building.

7 It's not you, it's me (What it really means)
It's you!

8 I'm concentrating on my career (What it really means)
Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better
than dating you.

9 I'm celibate (What it really means)
Or I’d rather be than sleep with
you.

10 Let's be friends (What it really means)
I want you to stay around so I can
tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet
and have sex with.

[center]Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: Whatís your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill,
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village,
Visitor: Which I have to pay him,
Maid: And he returned this morning.


Reply With Quote[/center]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Well, I was inside the refrigerator, "

good stuff. keep em cuming

STATISTITIANS

A stats undergrad was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test,
so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire
two hours as he was flipping the coin, writing the
answer, flipping the coin, writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had
left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the
student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the
exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin):
" Shh! I am checking my answers!"

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

This is wonderfully hillarious!Good work

BOY: "Daddy? How did i come into this world?"
DAD: Listen carefully.
"Mom and Dad met in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from Dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading, we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

JOB DESCRIPTIONS

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them, You have to help me, doc!"

The doctor says, "All right. Well, lets see, Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"

Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bi*tch!"

Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,í said the man carrying
the explosive.
Dont worry,the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.




A patient complains to a famous psychologist: Professor, I íve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.í
Who's been treating you until now?í
Dr Rat.
I see. He's an idiot. Im curious to know what he advised you to do.
"To come and see you."

Boy to mother: "Ive decided to stop studying."
"How come?" asked the mother.
"I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much"

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking heíd outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His carís speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: "Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and Iíll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said: "Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me."


No ticket.

THE MOST FORTUNATE SON:
Three dads were talking about their son,
DAD#1: "My son is a successful Banker,
recently, he gave his bestfriend P3 million."
DAD#2: "My son is a successful Engineer,
recently he gave his bestfriend a house and lot."
DAD#3: "My son owns a airline company,
recently he gave his bestfriend a jet."

DAD#4 came out from the CR and the three dads
asked him about his son.

DAD#4: "My son is a macho dancer at the gay bar,
even if he is like that, I love him,
In fact, during his birthday last week,
He received P3 million, house and lot,
and a jet from his suitors, "

A young man ask an old man.
"Sir, what is retirement?"

Old man: "Retirement is when you are
replaced by a computer at work and
a vibrator at home, "





LABOR LAW:
Does the penis deserve
overtime and hazard pay?

YES! because,
it works in a deep,
hot and smelly tunnels,
often head down and
mostly at night shift!






A good husband was asked:
DO YOU SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN?

He replied: "I sleep only with my wife,
with other women,
I'M AWAKE ALL THE TIME!"






This is a story about a wife who gave birth to an amazing child,
At birth, the child already talked. His first word was "mama".
Then a day later, the mom died.
On the burial of the mom, the father prayed saying,
"Pls don't say papa." but after a while, the baby said, "papa!"
So the father was expecting to die.
But guess what happened?

The next day, his driver died!!!



What is the most sensitive part of the body while having sex?

Answer: The EARS,

Because it can easily hear footsteps coming,




Enjoy and keep it Coming!

My guy! U try!

My guy! U try!

My guy! U try!

good job keep it coming i need more

Grow Up!

cantell:

[center]A guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little
brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she
wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts
up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!
[/center]

olllllllllld

@Abbygyal,
Show us what you got! Make a difference. Or else, shut up!

OMG, @cantell, these are the best jokes ever!! I bawled over the onions&christmas tree joke. My second fave was the lucky gay son who had all those presents(jet, millions, lot and house!!!) Gosh, the other dads must have died!!! Great, there's got to be more!!?!