You don’t know him or her until there is a quarrel. A quarrel tests character. Knowledge grows from disagreement. Love is a deeper knowledge of your partner. It is not just the romantic feeling, it is the feeling of tolerance, the feeling of acceptance and understanding. A quarrel reveals weakness. It displays maturity. A quarrel creates a platform for t he woman to submit and the man to show love. Don’t run away from confrontation. A confrontation will give you revelation. To walk away or to continue becomes clearer. Too much quarrel that ends with physical abuse is a danger sign. It is saying , ‘Quit!’ A quarrel creates room for patience. And patience is a virtue that can sustain a relationship. Any relationship. An engaged couple came for counseling. They were preparing for marriage. The Pastor asked, “How are things going?” “Great”, they said enthusiastically. “Really?” the pastor asked. “Yes”, the couple chorused. “Have you had any quarrel? Any disagreement?” The woman responded, “No o. It has been wonderful all the way”. And both stared at each other with a smile. The pastor nodded his head. “No ,that is not good at all. I can’t wed you both” “Why?” the lady asked. “Go and have a quarrel. Disagree on something. Hurt yourself and see how much you can forgive yourselves. See how you can disagree to agree. Your courtship is too good to be true”. The fight is important. It test your compatibility. But you must fight fair. I am not talking about throwing insults at each other or physical assault. I am talking about disagreements. Marriage is not for two perfect people. It is for two imperfect people who seek to make their marriage perfect. They work hard to make sure that they are together. They have a deep understanding for each other because they realize that they are both fragile, human.
www.mumumugu.

you see how quaquaversal and ambivalent many(i don't know if its most) of the things we say sound. The bible says, seek peace with all men. Trouble or quarrel is not something to be desired. Its like saying, to know if you are a good friend, we have to quarrel even when you've seen me doing good to you. Must we prove sincerity with wrongdoing? That philosophy is premised wrongly as far as I am concerned. Can you independently ascertain that having such a mindset that quarrels are necessary cannot make one relaxed and unremorseful when he/she hurts the other. Don't you also perceive that the incursions on affection or probably love caused by quarrels erode such core human values. Lets be careful what we teach so as not to overindulge tenuous facts. I understand that test for compatibility, temperament and all what not can be important, but I also feel it should not be made an agenda like the pastors submission in your narrative portend.

mumumugu:

You don’t know him or her until
there is a quarrel. A quarrel tests
character. Knowledge grows
from disagreement. Love is a
deeper knowledge of your
partner. It is not just the
romantic feeling, it is the feeling
of tolerance, the feeling of
acceptance and understanding.
A quarrel reveals weakness. It
displays maturity.
A quarrel creates a platform for t
he woman to submit and the
man to show love.
Don’t run away from
confrontation. A confrontation
will give you revelation. To walk
away or to continue becomes
clearer. Too much quarrel that
ends with physical abuse is a
danger sign. It is saying , ‘Quit!’
A quarrel creates room for
patience. And patience is a virtue
that can sustain a relationship.
Any relationship.
An engaged couple came for
counseling. They were preparing
for marriage. The Pastor asked,
“How are things going?”
“Great”, they said enthusiastically.
“Really?” the pastor asked.
“Yes”, the couple chorused.
“Have you had any quarrel? Any
disagreement?”
The woman responded, “No o. It
has been wonderful all the way”.
And both stared at each other
with a smile.
The pastor nodded his head. “No
,that is not good at all. I can’t
wed you both”
“Why?” the lady asked.
“Go and have a quarrel. Disagree
on something. Hurt yourself and
see how much you can forgive
yourselves. See how you can
disagree to agree. Your courtship
is too good to be true”.
The fight is important. It test
your compatibility. But you must
fight fair. I am not talking about
throwing insults at each other or
physical assault. I am talking
about disagreements.
Marriage is not for two perfect
people. It is for two imperfect
people who seek to make their
marriage perfect. They work
hard to make sure that they are
together. They have a deep
understanding for each other
because they realize that they are
both fragile, human.

www.mumumugu.

Hmmmm....I don't know about this one. Maybe your choice of the word "quarrel" may pose a problem. When I think of a quarrel, I think of a loud yelling match where people's blood pressure starts pumping. A disagreement is a little different.. in my opinion and which if possible, people should strive to live peaceably with one another. For me constant arguing not only has emotional, spiritual and mental effects, but also physical effects that aren't conducive to one's health. All of that constant "yelling" and "bickering" is so troublesome to me. A little disagreement is one thing..but to get into the loud and obnoxious arguments (I've seen here in Nairaland) is another thing. It's like I can actually picture the people as if they were in front of me!! Sure couples will have their issues..but the genius is in "how" to peacefully settle the issue without all of that extra stuff. The purpose of a disagreement is to find a way to come to a compromise.. Screaming and hollering all over the place (which is mostly what quarrels are) is a huge problem.
Again though, it's a learning process for me...

krauss:
you see how quaquaversal and ambivalent many(i don't know if its most) of the things we say sound. The bible says, seek peace with all men. Trouble or quarrel is not something to be desired. Its like saying, to know if you are a good friend, we have to quarrel even when you've seen me doing good to you. Must we prove sincerity with wrongdoing? That philosophy is premised wrongly as far as I am concerned. Can you independently ascertain that having such a mindset that quarrels are necessary cannot make one relaxed and unremorseful when he/she hurts the other. Don't you also perceive that the incursions on affection or probably love caused by quarrels erode such core human values. Lets be careful what we teach so as not to overindulge tenuous facts. I understand that test for compatibility, temperament and all what not can be important, but I also feel it should not be made an agenda like the pastors submission in your narrative portend.

the pastor could be speaking out of members experience. People who keep quiet even when hurt are dangerous. They are piling up the patner misdeed in their heart only to unleash one day.they hardly forgive. The moment you get married to them and cook a salty food, they remember all your previous wrokgdoing.divorce

couples who disagr3 all the time forgive

krauss:
you see how quaquaversal and ambivalent many(i don't know if its most) of the things we say sound. The bible says, seek peace with all men. Trouble or quarrel is not something to be desired. Its like saying, to know if you are a good friend, we have to quarrel even when you've seen me doing good to you. Must we prove sincerity with wrongdoing? That philosophy is premised wrongly as far as I am concerned. Can you independently ascertain that having such a mindset that quarrels are necessary cannot make one relaxed and unremorseful when he/she hurts the other. Don't you also perceive that the incursions on affection or probably love caused by quarrels erode such core human values. Lets be careful what we teach so as not to overindulge tenuous facts. I understand that test for compatibility, temperament and all what not can be important, but I also feel it should not be made an agenda like the pastors submission in your narrative portend.

the pastor could be speaking out of members experience. People who keep quiet even when hurt are dangerous. They are piling up the patner misdeed in their heart only to unleash one day.they hardly forgive. The moment you get married to them and cook a salty food, they remember all your previous wrokgdoing.divorce

couples who disagr3 all the time forgive each other easier and even have make up sex in the process.

Couples who dont disagree get divorce over one little accusation

mumumugu:



the pastor could be speaking out of members experience. People who keep quiet even when hurt are dangerous. They are piling up the patner misdeed in their heart only to unleash one day.they hardly forgive. The moment you get married to them and cook a salty food, they remember all your previous wrokgdoing.divorce

couples who disagr3 all the time forgive each other easier and even have make up sex in the process.

Couples who dont disagree get divorce over one little accusation

where's the statistic for that. Have you conducted a research on this. Please I beg you, this is too presumptive. Lets teach what is right as Christians. Can you still relate the scripture that says seek peace with all men with that. I know a friend whom I felt was too quiet, but on the long run, I realised that this is the same thing Jesus had been teaching us. Read my post again and notice where I made reference to the effect of constant quarrels. How can you assume that they will forgive each other easily when they quarrel? Let me ask you, why will they forgive each other easily and those who have never quarreled wouldn't?

How many Nigerian married people can you confidently say have and show the same affection to each other as when they got married after many years of marriage and don't you think that this might be the result of constant quarreling. See why I said that this submission is wrongly premised. It was big news the other day on Nairaland someone posted that her parents still bath together after 40 years of marriage. How many can confidently look into there spouse's eyes and cuddle them passionately for more than 10 minutes in secret ( no be for public where they force them to do it)

Lady39:



Hmmmm....I don't know about this one. Maybe your choice of the word "quarrel" may pose a problem. When I think of a quarrel, I think of a loud yelling match where people's blood pressure starts pumping. A disagreement is a little different.. in my opinion and which if possible, people should strive to live peaceably with one another. For me constant arguing not only has emotional, spiritual and mental effects, but also physical effects that aren't conducive to one's health. All of that constant "yelling" and "bickering" is so troublesome to me. A little disagreement is one thing..but to get into the loud and obnoxious arguments (I've seen here in Nairaland) is another thing. It's like I can actually picture the people as if they were in front of me!! Sure couples will have their issues..but the genius is in "how" to peacefully settle the issue without all of that extra stuff. The purpose of a disagreement is to find a way to come to a compromise.. Screaming and hollering all over the place (which is mostly what quarrels are) is a huge problem.
Again though, it's a learning process for me...

I think a quarrel is a degenerated disagreement.
As different individuals, we are bound to disagree on certain things. But the way we handle disagreement could then cause quarrels ( the shouting matches and all). However, both are part of relationships.

I think the pastor was trying to emphasize on the couple knowing and understanding that quarrels are bound to happen and to probably develop a way of preventing or checking such early enough.

krauss:
you see how quaquaversal and ambivalent many(i don't know if its most) of the things we say sound. The bible says, seek peace with all men. Trouble or quarrel is not something to be desired. Its like saying, to know if you are a good friend, we have to quarrel even when you've seen me doing good to you. Must we prove sincerity with wrongdoing? That philosophy is premised wrongly as far as I am concerned. Can you independently ascertain that having such a mindset that quarrels are necessary cannot make one relaxed and unremorseful when he/she hurts the other. Don't you also perceive that the incursions on affection or probably love caused by quarrels erode such core human values. Lets be careful what we teach so as not to overindulge tenuous facts. I understand that test for compatibility, temperament and all what not can be important, but I also feel it should not be made an agenda like the pastors submission in your narrative portend.

I think you are getting it from the wrong view.

There would always be disagreements and/ or quarrels in a relationship and the pastor may have been trying to ensure that they are prepared to handle such when it comes.

Even the bible says " do not let the sun go down on ur anger" acknowledging that there could be cause for anger but how u handle it to ensure u don't hurt any1 or remain angry is key.

My own submission

Ok...I understand.

Ezionye:


I think a quarrel is a degenerated disagreement.
As different individuals, we are bound to disagree on certain things. But the way we handle disagreement could then cause quarrels ( the shouting matches and all). However, both are part of relationships.

I think the pastor was trying to emphasize on the couple knowing and understanding that quarrels are bound to happen and to probably develop a way of preventing or checking such early enough.

What I would suggest is to have a honest discussion about something important that you disagree on. If it goes well, then maybe you're ok.

Ezionye:


I think a quarrel is a degenerated disagreement.
As different individuals, we are bound to disagree on certain things. But the way we handle disagreement could then cause quarrels ( the shouting matches and all). However, both are part of relationships.

I think the pastor was trying to emphasize on the couple knowing and understanding that quarrels are bound to happen and to probably develop a way of preventing or checking such early enough.

I still don't accept that making quarrel an agenda as a prerequisite for marriage does sound right. I also believe that being quarrelsome is not a desirable trait. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like saying, go and have sex with your partner so we can be sure you are sexually compatible but on the other hand, we are saying premarital sex is bad. One question, will Jesus advice same as the pastor? You see, the bible deemed it fit to say, seek peace(not quarrel) with all men

Ezionye:


I think you are getting it from the wrong view.

There would always be disagreements and/ or quarrels in a relationship and the pastor may have been trying to ensure that they are prepared to handle such when it comes.

Even the bible says " do not let the sun go down on ur anger" acknowledging that there could be cause for anger but how u handle it to ensure u don't hurt any1 or remain angry is key.

My own submission

Lets take it this way, the couple might know there is the possibility of dissention but does it mean they have to deliberately annoy themselves to test for such traits as forgiveness and longsuffering. I ask again, must we test sincerity and compatibility with the proceeds of fallibility? I still don't accept that making quarrel an agenda as a prerequisite for marriage as it doesn't sound right. I also
believe that being quarrelsome is not a desirable trait. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like
saying, go and have sex with your partner so we can be sure you are sexually compatible. One question,
will Jesus advice same as the pastor? You see, the bible deemed it fit to say, seek peace(not quarrel) with
all men

How will they determine the type of quarrel to engage in? How certain are you that quarreling over a particular issue will provide the right test to the core values under scrutiny expansive and flexible enough to incorporate other remote issues that might come up during the marriage? Most of those who quoted my comments have still not provided an answer to the questions asked. I hope we are aware of people called pacifists? For me as a Christian, my most dreaded part of the scripture is, love your neighbor as you love yourself. No matter how many times I hurt myself, I will still love myself. I sometimes try to correlate the agape love with the with the type of love we have today in marriages. I want to refer most of us to the case of KELLY RENEE GISSENDANER( we can google it) who was executed about 2 years ago. Imagine that her husband survived that. Agape love in that case still insists that he forgives her completely even to the point of saving her with his life if necessary. I don't think my kinda love has gotten up to that level but I know that is what the bible teaches and what is right. That also should be a model for Christians whether in marriage or outside it. I wish someone can start up threads like this for us to ratiocinate some of these things.

Seun:
What I would suggest is to have a honest discussion about something important that you disagree on. If it goes well, then maybe you're ok.

I think, this is cool and a better approach.

is quarrel a sin? Is it bad?
No. If not checked it could lead to sin

how each individual handles quarrel differs. Before we get married,we should know how our patner reacts over slightest provocation

a)dreads quarrel.fear disagreement. You can keep hurting them while they die inside.they will never reac

b) will not tell you you hurt them. They harbour your unintentional hurt and pile them in their heart planning for the right moment to leave you. You can wake up one morning to notice a divorce letter for no reaso

c) is the nagger.ready to shout the roof down amidst insult and abuse.

D) violent .ready to fight.they can throw their phone at you over slight provocation.they gradualy turn to be wife beaters



all have their weakness.
we all have ones we can tolerate and the ones we cant.

Disagreeing during courtship allows one to spot the patner kind to know if she can tolerate marital violence or
not. Failed relationship is better than failed marriage.

re read

Highly recommended

mumumugu:
re read

I think I quite understand your angle.

This is actually very very important issue in relationships.

In my relationships, I often tell people "the day I stop disagreeing or fighting with you is the day you should start worrying". It means I have checked out and couldn't care less.

It's not about the fights, it's what you learn about each other, and how you make up, move on and better yourself from the fights.

Fights in relationships are psychologically like "growing pains"-- painful but necessary for growth.


People who do not "fight" in relationships have a very troubled and dangerous relationships. In fact, they have a superficial relationship. They are like ticking time bombs.

NO fights or disagreements often mean things are being swept under the rug, opinions not voiced, frustrations not expressed.

All and all, we you have two people (even if twins), you will have fights and disagreements. I don't care how "perfect" they claim they are.

My motto in relationships is "Fight but fight well".

Xiadnat:
This is actually very very important issue in relationships.

In my relationships, I often tell people "the day I stop disagreeing or fighting with you is the day you should start worrying". It means I have checked out and couldn't care less.

It's not about the fights, it's what you learn about each other, and how you make up, move on and better yourself from the fights.

Fights in relationships are psychologically like "growing pains"-- painful but necessary for growth.


People who do not "fight" in relationships have a very troubled and dangerous relationships. In fact, they have a superficial relationship. They are like ticking time bombs.

NO fights or disagreements often mean things are being swept under the rug, opinions not voiced, frustrations not expressed.

All and all, we you have two people (even if twins), you will have fights and disagreements. I don't care how "perfect" they claim they are.

My motto in relationships is "Fight but fight well".

I agree