The Issue: My husband (a Pastor) has been agonizingly complaining about my close friendship with members of the opposite sex (Church members and at my workplace). Though he has absolute trust in me, he often warns me that this can be dangerous to our marriage.
While I understand the need for emotional fidelity and the importance of guarding against unnecessary temptations in my marriage, I'm heart-struck at obeying my husband and cutting myself off from the friendship with my male counterparts, which I feel are very valuable and beneficial to me in view of my status as a School teacher.
My relationship with them is chaste and I begin to wonder whether it is necessary to obey my man? – Mrs Lara A, Lagos.



My TAKE: I commend your husband for his outspokenness – many men would pretend to be at ease with such friendship while ‘laying landmines’ their wives’ paths (spying/monitoring their every movement).
Now, I don’t have any problem with a married woman keeping ‘male friends’ – my problem lies when she has ‘male companions’!
The degree of intimacy between a ‘friend’ and a ‘companion’ is glaring for all; so, no need going into that except you asked me to!
I'd like to refer to the Bible to clear this – much against what many people think, there are more to it than meets the eyes in the story of Joseph and Portiphar’s wife.
Unlike Jezebel, Mrs Portiphar was not really a ‘seducer’ – Jewish commentaries give her the name “Zuleka,” which means “fair, brilliant and lovely”. So, she was certainly virtuous until she only allowed her mindset to be beclouded by lust, and this often happen when a woman allows a relationship with a man to grow from ‘friendship’ to ‘companionship’!
Like wives of today, it was natural of Portiphar’s wife to “take notice of Joseph” as a handsome guy (Genesis 39: 7) and ‘want’ him.
When you read her account with Joseph, you will decipher that, from the level of their conversation, he was more than a friend to her – he was simply her companion (Her suggestion to Joseph says much about the level of the relationship: “Come to bed with me!” (Genesis 39: 7).
Possibly, prior to that, she had been having long conversations and spending hours in Joseph’s company until his charisma blew her off her feet and she demanded sex from him – this is typical of women who have ‘male companions’!
Men of today (ha!) – I wonder how many men, who would not have taken advantage of Mrs Portiphar’s salacious offer. Joseph did not; instead, he told her, “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” (Genesis 39: 9). Joseph didn’t call her “wicked” – he called “adultery” wicked – this again shows the level of their relationship, which is companionship!
Now, the warnings you have heard from your husband are given for good reason. I have seen many good women, who believed they were not vulnerable to sexual temptation, fall and disgraced. It is when we think we are beyond the reach of temptation that we fall.
I wouldn’t ask you to abandon your friendship with guys but I think that you should build a ‘wall’ around your ‘heart (your marriage and home)’ from such relationship. Please, don’t discuss your home, husband or marriage with them – no matter how depressing you are!
You can keep ‘male friends’ but not ‘male companions’. I stand to be corrected. – Kingsley Ugo Okenwa (26/02/17)