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Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by cuteoly(f): 9:46am On Mar 19, 2017 |
I have been a member of this forum for long but hardly comments on posts but I do read to learn from people. Please I need your advice as to know what to do. I got married in 2013, my hubby is a civil servant. We didn't date. It happens that I finished my NYSC and worked in Lagos for about 6 months before coming down to Enugu because my Dad was ill and I came to take care of him. He later died 11th September 2012. My hubby after coming to see my Dad at home(that's before his death) took interest in me and asked for my hand in marriage which I refused but he kept insisting, my mom wanting me to stay close to our home town insisted I must marry him. She cried to me that she knows the guy and his family since he was little and that he is trustworthy. When my Dad died my hubby participated in his burial very well that the whole family started saying he will make a good inlaw. Sept 2013, we wedded and I gave birth in 2014. My problem started in 2015 when I saw a text message in my hubby's phone by a lady telling him they won't be seeing each other again because her circulation started that night. I woke him up that night and showed him the text, he pleaded that he was sorry which I forgave him. Few weeks later, I got another text by another lady on a sunday telling him that if he doesn't come to see her now, that she will leave the house. I kind of chatted the lady as if it was my hubby and was saying stuff like she didn't cook anything that she was waiting for him to come. I still wiped the whole text and pretended I didn't read anything. Most times he comes back with hotel receipts and when I ask him, he says he just hanged out with his male friends. On wednesday this week, I saw 2 condoms in his pocket and when I asked him, he said I don't have any right to ask him that I should know that "ofu anya ikpu n'egbu amu" it's an Igbo adage which means that sleeping with one woman kills the penis. That if I don't like it I should pack out of his house. Meanwhile, I didn't say I learnt sewing after our wedding and am very good in it. This man doesn't give me money, he started building his house in the village last year and I asked him to just channel whatever he gets to the house so that we can move in there soon and stop paying rent, since I get little money from sewing and his work place is close to his village. But since I discovered he can't do with women I begged him to buy me an industrial sewing and weaving machine so that it will make my work faster. He refused that I should wait till he finish his house. On thursday I waited for him to apologise for the condom I saw in his pocket, he said it's not possible. So when he left for work, I took his car keys and the land property and hide it in the house. And when he asked for them, I told him that he should buy me those machines and then continue whatever he has with women since I have seen that he is not willing to change. I must confess that this is the first time I raised my voice so hard on him. The next I heard was slaps on my face and am 7 months pregnant and my mom was in my house that day and all she could do was to go into her room and started crying. He later got dressed and left for work. He saw me wiping my nose with his singlet because blood was gushing out from my nose and yet he left. In the evening he came back and locket my and my daughter out. I later called one of my aunties who called him and he opened the door and said he was leaving the house for me that night. But my aunt asked me to hold onto him and plead with him not to go out that night which I did. When I tried to beg him, he said he ll make sure he beats my baby out of my womb if I touch him. I just took the bag he packed and hide it. That's why he stayed back that night. I went for scan yesterday and I was told my baby is breech that I need to see a Doctor. I haven't registered in any hospital aside a maternity home run by a woman. I have been begging him to give me money to register and that if he says I should leave his house that he should buy my the sewing machines so that I can atleast be using the money to take care of his kids but he refused. He is doing all this because he knows I have nobody to fight for m and I don't want to involve my kinsmen because they will mock my family and my mom is hypertensive. Pls do not mind the long post I didn't add that I later give hhim the documents after the beating because he swore he will kill me and go to jail if I dont 2 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by DLGUY: 9:49am On Mar 19, 2017 |
I think you should involve law enforcement or agencies that protect women's rights against domestic violence. Sorry maam, your situation is beyond depression and has now graduated to physical abuse. 22 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by femsheart(f): 9:57am On Mar 19, 2017 |
Wooow! I am single but I feel what you need right now is Wisdom! T 3 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by bigsmoke2(m): 10:04am On Mar 19, 2017 |
Don't fight him. you deal with this kind of man with intelligence, let him have his way, be the best wife you can to him so he will realise what he stands to loose when you leave him. Give him time if he continues you may then leave . And watch how he will come running back. If he doesnt , then he doesnt deserve you. You must also have allies among his family members. Nd pray he doesn't catch any disease as a result of sleeping around 5 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by holocron: 10:11am On Mar 19, 2017 |
Madam, u have no problems. Your husband loves and cares for you. Give him his private space. Stay off his phones and stop snooping around him. Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves. You are 7 months pregnant, and such can hardly satisfy the sexual needs of your virile husband. At least condoms confirm that he practices safe sex, and nothing is lost. Things will normalize when you are fit again. Create a conducive atmosphere in your home and watch your marriage flourish. Stop making your home a hell on this earth. 10 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by cuteoly(f): 10:21am On Mar 19, 2017 |
holocron:If you know me, you will know that I do all I can to make my home conducive. I see all these because sometimes I use his phone if I don't have data in mine. |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by eyinjuege: 10:30am On Mar 19, 2017 |
Sorry o madam. It's a pity you've more or less turned to a single mother. Time to look out for yourself. Do you have friends or old school mates that can bail you out now? People that can lend you money to start your business? It's better you move back to your father's house and have your baby there safely. Better not to die in a marriage and an unhappy one at that. 22 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by sisisioge: 11:11am On Mar 19, 2017 |
Haa! Na wa o. Pele darling...so sorry to read this. Biko, stay in your lane. Don't let the dude kill you. I hope your mom is very happy with herself now. Biko ask her for advice and ensure she remains in the house with you for now. It is well with you. Whew! 2 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 12:47pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He's not only an unremorseful cheat but a physical abuser. Please be safe. You said "you didn't date". This is why people should date (there're things you will see + realize) and get to know someone well (so you can make the best decision for yourself) and not rush into marriage as if your life depends on it. I know you didn't want to marry him in the first place, maybe that was your intuition trying to deter you from marrying him; but your mom was the one who made you. Please be safe for yourself and your baby. 4 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 1:02pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
What sort of rubbish love is that? He's cheating and abusing her (despite her pregnancy) and doesn't give her money (yet I'm sure he's giving money to the women he's sleeping with), and you want to tell me he loves her. People have twisted ideas of love these days. There're many men out there with pregnant wives who don't cheat on their wives and remain faithful, so don't tell me he's cheating b/c she's pregnant and can't satisfy his sexual needs. Cheating is a choice. He was probably sleeping around with different women before their marriage but was pretending to be a gentleman to her family. holocron: 42 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 1:40pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Op sorry o. This is so sad. Your hubby knows you will leave if you become financially independent, that's why he won't buy you the sewing and threading machine. He would do anything to hold you down and keep you down. my advice is for you is to play mumu to him for now. If possible worship the ground he walks on. while you and your mum strategize. will your kinsmen help you out of that marriage and get you on your feet? if yes. consult the wisest of them. Do you have siblings or friends who can help you with financing your business and accommodation? consult them. Do you have any means (through an NGO, friends or family) that you can get a lawyer for the divorce proceedings, child support and custody? please consult them. 6 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by holocron: 1:57pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
NotOfThis: So what should she do? Abandon her nest to her competitors, or rein in her man? As today is a sunday, let us be guided by the scriptures: Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" @OP, For those recommending divorce, remember that those cheating girlfriends will be too happy to step into the shoes you seem to find so uncomfortable. Please endure. Keep your home for your children's sake. Except u are not in Naija, divorce a last resort only to be taken at risk to life ( not just ordinary slaps, slaps never killed anyone). You hid a man's car keys stopping him from going to work, are you suprised to receive slaps? The OP mother is a very wise woman for being around and not interfering in husband and wife matter. Your difficulties are just a brief phase due to your condition, and also your husband's inexperience. Teething problems COMMON to all marriages. 1 Like |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 2:05pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
How your mum convinced you to marry someone you don't love and barely know in this 21st century is a mystery to me. If she's so skilled in the art of persuasion, why is she crying instead of speaking up for you? what advice is she giving you now? smh I'm seriously restraining myself from typing ill of your mum. 11 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by cuteoly(f): 2:17pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Joavid:Please you don't have to type ill about her. She is crying because she talked me into the marriage. She is already regretting why she did that. 1 Like |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by cuteoly(f): 2:33pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
I really don't want to raise my kids as a single mother neither do I want to continue sleeping with him because am just 30 and don't want to die leaving my kids as a result of diseases. I need advice on how best to get money from him and establish myself. I don't want court because the case will linger for long and after everything, we will be divorced and he will be asked to be paying a stipend for the kid's upkeep which I know won't be enough for the kids to be comfortable. Moreover, I really don't want to publicise this for I know people will just start using me as a reference point for failed marriage. My uncle who raised me has asked me to come and am sure he went there to report the issue to him. And this is one thing I have begged him not do, that what they do is just to start laughing and joking over the issue after you report a matter to them. I don't know how best to dodge going to see my uncle because if I get there and tell him all I have been passing through in this marriage, he ll only ask me to endure and then mock us once I leave. And if I don't go, he will consider it as an insult 1 Like |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 2:42pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
cuteoly: ok. I wish you the best. 3 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 2:59pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
cuteoly: So you want to stay married to him and not have sex with him. you want to refuse him sex and lets hope he doesn't beat you because of that. you want to refuse him sex and still squeeze money out of him. lord help you. I don't want court because the case will linger for long and after everything, we will be divorced and he will be asked to be paying a stipend for the kid's upkeep which I know won't be enough for the kids to be comfortable.I think you're more worried about being divorced and single motherhood. If you're truly worried about child support and the details of what is achievable, you will consult a lawyer first. Besides if you're going to be financially independent, you would think about your health and sanity as well as the environment your kids will grow in, not the money for upkeep. Moreover, I really don't want to publicise this for I know people will just start using me as a reference point for failed marriage. You're worried about the wrong things and it baffles me. My uncle who raised me has asked me to come and am sure he went there to report the issue to him. again you're worried about the wrong things. Now I see why it was easy for you to be persuaded to marry your hubby. you really don't have an independent mind of your own. regardless, I wish you the best. 22 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by obyrich(m): 3:11pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
cuteoly:Are you the only child of your parents? This is a serious issue that should not be swept under the carpet. Doesn't he have someone he listens to whom you could run to for support? 1 Like |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by ednut1(m): 3:13pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Very unfortunate nd sad. |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 3:18pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
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Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by cococandy(f): 3:41pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Be the best wife to someone who hits her until she bleeds while she's pregnant? At the same time running around with other females? Jesus! . Some of you have no conscience. Your internalized misogyny has robbed you of all humanity and empathy possible towards your fellow humans. You're like zombies who default response is to always tell women bear whatever level shyt is thrown at them. You know nothing else. God forbid you use your sense and say something that actually shows you're a human being who hurts when another hurts. Soulless zombies. holocron: holocron: bigsmoke2: 32 Likes 6 Shares |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 3:48pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
NotOfThis:Lol, Love now has different definitions. Nice one. 5 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by mrssho: 3:59pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
holocron: So pregnancy means the man should cheat abu? Poster pls ignore this advice. Sometimes people don't appreciate what they have till they lose it. Your husband does not want to buy your machine bc he knows it will make you financially dependent and you can choose to walk out anytime. If you won't mind working for someone for sometime as a tailor pls send me a private msg 14 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 4:02pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
cuteoly:How the hell do you intend being married to an abusive man you don't want to be sleeping with?. I thought you went to school?, after your child birth dust your CV and look for jobs out there. Sorry about your case. 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by mrssho: 4:03pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
But OP you are very funny you seem to care about what other people think of you. You better find how you will get money for your machine or better still rent one. You clearly can't depend on that man for anything and he knows he is at your mercy. Why you decided to get married without having a steady means of income is a mystery to me 6 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by divinelove(m): 4:19pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Op Marriage is for better for worse till death do you part Try to patch things up with ur hubby, 95% of couples are managing things in their Union to keep the marriage afloat. Almost every wife has received a slap from their hubby at least once dts nt a reason to quit ur marriage except it becomes persistent. Be a good wife above all keep praying and fasting for this n God will see u through. Dnt rush for divorce. Pray until sth happens, have u seen ur pastor on this b4 coming to NL where alot of divorcee will like u to toll their own failure part. Prioritize ur welfare n dt of ur kids, let ur hubby be, if possible buy him more condoms n advice him on safe sex while assuring him dt u will always love him no matter what. This shld touch him n i assure u he will change b4 long. My major problem with ur hubby is dt he is nt taking care of his home nt really d cheating part. If ur hubby was fulfilling his provider role i would ve said u have a lesser problem but he is not. As for the beating part dnt push a man to the wall, dt will nt happen again if u dnt push him to d wall 1 Like |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 4:27pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
You are already a single mother with one kid on the way. If you plan on staying in that relationship, ignore those who tell you to be hopeful and prayerful, he is likely never going to change (no be curse, if you think say na curse, take a look around you ). He may progress to proper beating sef especially when he sees you doing so well for yourself. BUT do not complain about the infidelity or abuse, na your choice to stay but biko be financially independent no matter what. Source for other means of raising money to buy your industrial machine. He is not going to give you, not when he has other important responsibilities. the earliest you learn how to survive without him, the better for you. However if you are planning on leaving him, stop worrying about the paperwork and court process (it is not an excuse please), document and keep all his hotel bills, chat history, injuries etc (they will come in handy). It is not easy to be a divorcee, but if you think that is best option for your emotional, financial and physical health on the long run, go for it. I hope you know say e no easy in our society (still not an excuse not to divorce) Weigh your options, choose the one you can live with, the one that would also be better for your children and don't complain. Wait o! Did I hear you say kids? Biko, if at all you want to have more than one and still stay in that house, don't have plenty children. cuteoly: 3 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Nobody: 4:31pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
eyinjuege: Yes o Please leave that house.. Straight to your mum house. Person no go die because of husband. God forbid. And as eyinjuege said try contact your school mates to assist you to be able to buy those machines. Or after delivery please I beg you get to job and save money to buy the machines. When your husband eyes clear? That's if he's the one for you? He will come back but if he's not meant for u? Let him carry his wahala go and after some years seek for divorce. 3 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by nkwuocha1: 4:34pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Madam,its time to leave that toxic marriage. 6 Likes |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Gloriagee(f): 4:34pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
You must be a genius to see the obvious love seeping from the tyrant of a hubby. I mean he hit a 7 month preggy lady and threatened to cause her miscarrying. With love like this, who needs hate? With love like this, i'm sure those over pampered wives are missing the pummelling of a lovin hubby wen mum is around. I bow indeed to your superior wisdom , knowledge and foresight. holocron: 20 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by jakandeola(m): 7:17pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
I feel sad for u ur husband is a beast 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Depressed Wife Needs Your Urgent Advice. by Viking007(m): 8:23pm On Mar 19, 2017 |
Gloriagee:It took me a lot of willpower to ignore that useless comment You quoted. Some people deserve some hot e-slap for posting rubbish. 11 Likes 1 Share |
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