MY FIRST POST ON NAIRALAND,
I am a student of health science who have interest in poetry
your constructive criticism is welcome because there is always a first time


Dedicated to Erin-Ile youth, Kwara state[color=#000000][/color]

When the tree continues shedding its leaves
When a day old chick is suffering from diseases
And we can only sit to watch with ease

Are we going to continue in this deceitful way
What has happened to the promising way
Is it only by attending school like Bestway
What shall we do when the future is in chaotic way
Sun is shining we can still make hay
l
Our youth our future is the voice of the day
Yet our youth is going astray
Elders are watching in dismay
And the society is in disarray

Erin-Ile youth stand up the future is bright
Our starting point should be the sky
They say education is the luminous light
Then why are we doing things contradicting the right

Let seek the guidance of the Almighty
Through HIM our hope is gigantic
And our future will be bright and shine
Through him the end is smile

Smoking and drinking will only do us harm
NAFDAC and WHO are raising alarm
Let uphold the coat of arm
And we shall enjoy the future with face full of smile

by Na'im Yusuf

olatunyemi:
MY FIRST POST ON NAIRALAND,
I am a student of health science who have interest in poetry
your constructive criticism is welcome because there is always a first time


Dedicated to Erin-Ile youth, Kwara state[color=#000000][/color]

When the tree continues shedding its leaves
When a day old chick is suffering from diseases
And we can only sit to watch with ease

Are we going to continue in this deceitful way
What has happened to the promising way
Is it only by attending school like Bestway
What shall we do when the future is in chaotic way
Sun is shining we can still make hay

l
Our youth our future is the voice of the day
Yet our youth is going astray
Elders are watching in dismay
And the society is in disarray

Erin-Ile youth stand up the future is bright
Our starting point should be the sky
They say education is the luminous light
Then why are we doing things contradicting the right

Let seek the guidance of the Almighty
Through HIM our hope is gigantic
And our future will be bright and shine
Through him the end is smile

Smoking and drinking will only do us harm
NAFDAC and WHO are raising alarm
Let uphold the coat of arm
And we shall enjoy the future with face full of smile

by Na'im Yusuf
[/quote]

It's good. However, I think that your rhymes ended up dictating your poetry. Take a look at the line about the future, for example. I'm sure you had a thousand better ways to say that but you had to choose that to complete your rhymes. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. Infact, modern poetry rarely features any rhyming. Most times when we try to write very serious poetry, rhymes end up doing so much harm.

Are you from Erin-Ile ni?

thank you for the comment, yes i am from Erin-Ile