in summary never be open to your SIL/MIL. keep your distance.

I don't get it.. You have your house they Have theirs,
You have your food, they have theirs
You have your husband, they have theirs..

So what really creates "the avenue" for such gossips and backstabbing, are you people sharing Indomie or you are sharing husband?

I was married to a man child.. ...and I say so because this man always put me and my wishes last.. ...and those of his brothers and sisters first. Was newly married in 2015. And he had flown in from the US, as he is a US citizen. Had traditional and registry wedding. And he promised me that on his return back to the US, 11days after the marriage, he would process my CR1 visa for me to join him. Since the whole relationship was an LDR, I had no idea about what his Nigerian family was like. Now this man one on one with me was so caring, loving and kind, but the moment I entered the house I could see that his sisters were very envious of me, especially the older one. The younger one was nicer at the beginning, but in the end, after I had a misunderstanding with my ex husband, and he had a bad habit of feeding details of the marriage to his siblings, she told me never to call her again because I am not her brother's age mate. The other sister would come visit me, and when I make a small mistake in word, she would go back and tell my ex hubby and the result would be that I and my ex-husband will quarrel over the phone. The other part of the story is that my ex-husband's brother always comes to my apartment at any time he feels like. And since the house was built by the collective effort of their family members, he would refer to my self contain apartment as his house. I couldn't bring myself to cook for this man because he always came in at night, and I didn't want to expose my self to the temptation that could be lurking. That's a brief summary of the reasons my husband has become my ex husband

belladsweet:
^ Jesus I learnt a lot frm ur story. That ur SiL can kill o. That ur co wife on her lane is wise my dear she get sense. She must have seen it from afar. Let them call her names if they like she knows wat she is doing.

My own mum is late but after my Trad wedding, the woman that stood as my mum told me never to allow most of my in-laws especially the wives know my secret and how I run my home. That was the only advice she kept telling me which I held on to till today. I will never forget that advice. She said I should not allow any of them penetrate my home that I should treat them all with love, respect etc but not allow penetration. That advice weak me till today. May God help us all o.

Dont know how my wife knew all this at a very young age. She never allowed any of her sister, cousin and friends or 'intruders' know how she run her home. She plays it cool and lovely yet, some of her aunties and sis keeps pushing to know, keeps pok nosing yet, she just dey handle them with maturity. Well, i believe she learnt if from her mum. I would say I am lucky.

KanwuliaExtra:
You need to STAY in your lane in life ALWAYS, not just in marriage.

Always keep a safe distance between you and EVERYONE, including YOUR HUSBAND.

Stay focused on your goals in and out of marriage.

my beautiful kolomental howz you doing?

Its not wrong its the best.
Be nice , be respectful, do the normal things expected if you but stay on your lane.

For me , it includes both your family, inlaws, friends, social media etc etc. When you give people too much information or access in your life they take undue advantage .

I have been accused of being too private, na so I want am.

einsteino:


I am a guy and may not have much to say here. sorry for your sad experience but thats life for you. I like you have a fault of seeing people for their good only but lately i have learnt to discern one sided friendship/rships and take people on a per second billing. Humans could be real ugly atimes and regardless of the mean things they do, they always find a way to convince themselves that they are nice people.

Train your mind to see no surprises, to understand their betrayals and their character flaws, it would make you forgive easily but do not give them the chance of repeating it. If she tries to make ammends, allow her but learn to relate with her only on a need to basis except she goes the extra mile to earn your trust and convinces you she has changed/is sorry(people rarely are).

These days my formular is keep the peace with everyone. if you need my help, i give it but that doesnt mean you are dear to me or that I trust you could do the same for me. I could occassionally check up on you for just its sake too. what indicates one is dear to me, is how vulnerable i let myself be around them and I am extremely careful to assess them.

summary is expect anything from anyone, but dont be paranoid and still show everyone love regardless of how they treat you.

Thank you so much...it affected me so much that I became paranoid,l kept suspecting anyone that comes my way,l kept distancing myself from people,l became depressed,it's was God that saved me through my family(mum and silbings),they kept calling me to check up on me and encourage me,and for the fact that l was pregnant then.I am still trying to get over it completely.She never apologized but l called her last week and told her that l have forgiven her,l just want to free myself and let go.What you said is exactly what l am doing now,.

Heavance:

madam, your story long o, but I grabbed.
It is always better to talk less, visit less and even not get tempted to join any gossip where the women are talking about someone in the family, as the tide may turn around to your case.

Exactly my brother

raphafire:

Hmmmm..u really tried for not allowing the issue escalate beyond the way it ended...thanks for the candid advise

You are welcome, please no matter how good and near perfect they appear to you, please don't over do,

Springsdy456958:
I love dis line, I respect your mindset, nice one may God honor u.

Amen!!! thank you, may God honour you too

Never think that you are so much loved by in laws,it is only when something happens that you will know that even if you are their wife but you are still a stranger in hard situations!it has happened to me,but what healed me is that it was an opportunity for me to know who is who and how deep is their 'love',secure good future for your family,be independent,MIND YOUR BUSINESS!,let oga handle what is coming from his side,dont over show yourself,call when there is reason to do so,when you need a real bitter advice,go to someone you are not even attached to.make sure you are legally married(court marriage),make your own money,take your marriage with hubby as partnership to raise future,dont forget God first.be hardworking,it gives ego cos when one see that you can be without him or her you will see that respect will be there.minding your business is the best.

ikechizoba:


Thank you so much...it affected me so much that I became paranoid,l kept suspecting anyone that comes my way,l kept distancing myself from people,l became depressed,it's was God that saved me through my family(mum and silbings),they kept calling me to check up on me and encourage me,and for the fact that l was pregnant then.I am still trying to get over it completely.She never apologized but l called her last week and told her that l have forgiven her,l just want to free myself and let go.What you said is exactly what l am doing now,.

see what happened to you is so tiny compared to mine.it was only God saved me from depression,even my dead father had to visit me in the dream to advice me to move on...yes it was that bad!but no one even cared!no one knew how i was hurt and still hurting but i am getting stronger now.My oga was kind of helpless in the situation,cos the situation was bitterly awkward but God is great.

Barney11:

see what happened to you is so tiny compared to mine.it was only God saved me from depression,even my dead father had to visit me in the dream to advice me to move on...yes it was that bad!but no one even cared!no one knew how i was hurt and still hurting but i am getting stronger now.My oga was kind of helpless in the situation,cos the situation was bitterly awkward but God is great.

pls share am really learning a lot here

I think this what would happen when you got married into family house.

pls I am in a similar situation right now,I was newly introduced to my in laws but it seems they don't like mi,the acted so differently to mi,had argument abt mi,I have never being rejected in my whole life before, after that day,my Oga started acting funny,withdrew his love n care,don't call or pick my calls n all that,my birthday in 5days time,don't know what to do,still fasting n praying about it,pls advice if you can, on how best I should go about it,tnx

Horlahmah:
I think this what would happen when you got married into family house.

see some people are so troublesome that even if you are not in family they will carry the trouble to your door.

Barney11:

see what happened to you is so tiny compared to mine.it was only God saved me from depression,even my dead father had to visit me in the dream to advice me to move on...yes it was that bad!but no one even cared!no one knew how i was hurt and still hurting but i am getting stronger now.My oga was kind of helpless in the situation,cos the situation was bitterly awkward but God is great.

Eiya,let's not make the same mistake twice..my husband was also helpless too,inshort l felt same way with you,no one cared except my mom,even now,am still recovering,it's all God,he kept me through with the pregnancy,my BP didn't rise till l entered 9months.

ikechizoba:


You are welcome, please no matter how good and near perfect they appear to you, please don't over do,

That is just it...

KanwuliaExtra:
You need to STAY in your lane in life ALWAYS, not just in marriage.

Always keep a safe distance between you and EVERYONE, including YOUR HUSBAND.

Stay focused on your goals in and out of marriage.

thank you so much... always be focused even your husband can sell you out...no one knows the thoughts of heart, some do it intentionally or unintentionally. BE WISE.

ikechizoba:


my dear,hmmmmm.you don't need to tell me,l have seen it all..the blow was too much but God has been seeing me through,even my mil kept mute throughout that period,l dont blame her,afterall l'm not her daughter,l have learnt my lesson but in a hard way..l thank God its not too late to adjust, no to over loyalty or familiarity, my family 1st

lol, after my sil showed me shege, i respected myself. there's a statement my husband always reminds me of "you can't know my family better than me" n it has kept us in check. now everybody dey their corner. anytime we see, we laugh. when we leave its till we meet again. but i love my FIL, he's such a darling.

Interesting post here!
I'm totally in support of cordial relationships with inlaws, but at the same time, maintaining boundaries so that there's mutual respect.
I've borne the brunt of being too open and trusting of inlaws, taking everyone as I would my family, without any bias or prejudice, but it turned round to sting me in ways I never thought possible. Innocent me!
Now I have learnt, I have taken charge, I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeves(that was my greatest undoing. they knew my weakness and used it to torment me). I had to set my foot down and leave it there... Even up till now when I think about the incident(s), hot tears still gather in my eyes.
My dear ikechizoba and barney11, I can relate. If I begin to tell my story right now(which I can't cos I'm pretty busy at work) , I will take not less than two whole pages on nairaland.
I battled depression, I almost lost myself!
I'm still struggling to let go and forgive, I have accepted an apology I never got.
In the end, who's the loser?
I'm building my home and loving it now. I've taken back the reins. No interference, no puck-nosing! Everybody is now on their lane and its perfect that way so there are no "crashes".Hubby and kids doing great! Life is good....

Chukazu:
I don't get it.. You have your house they Have theirs,
You have your food, they have theirs
You have your husband, they have theirs..

So what really creates "the avenue" for such gossips and backstabbing, are you people sharing Indomie or you are sharing husband?

My dear,

I wonder.

I honestly do not understand where wives (not in the same location) have the time to gossip or them say them say with in-laws and co-wives. Again, there are cases where husbands have said XYZ is better related with at arm's length and the wives still insist on over-familiarization as if they know their husbands' relatives more than them.

uckyra:
pls I am in a similar situation right now,I was newly introduced to my in laws but it seems they don't like mi,the acted so differently to mi,had argument abt mi,I have never being rejected in my whole life before, after that day,my Oga started acting funny,withdrew his love n care,don't call or pick my calls n all that,my birthday in 5days time,don't know what to do,still fasting n praying about it,pls advice if you can, on how best I should go about it,tnx

please stop waiting for him,ignore him even if it is hard for you,delete his number,what if you didnt know him before your birthday will it make you not to celebrate,if you were expecting to gift you dat day,celebrate the way you normally do when he wasnt there.stop calling or texting him,if he is yours he will turn around if he aint,better one ahead.keep yourself busy,dont let people think you live because of them,that belittles you.

ugofr:
thank you so much... always be focused even your husband can sell you out...no one knows the thoughts of heart, some do it intentionally or unintentionally. BE WISE.

Amen.
Trust NO ONE.

uckyra:
pls I am in a similar situation right now,I was newly introduced to my in laws but it seems they don't like mi,the acted so differently to mi,had argument abt mi,I have never being rejected in my whole life before, after that day,my Oga started acting funny,withdrew his love n care,don't call or pick my calls n all that,my birthday in 5days time,don't know what to do,still fasting n praying about it,pls advice if you can, on how best I should go about it,tnx

Create time to talk to him. If he doesnt respond poaitively then you have to find a place in your heart to forgive and move on. Nothing more you can do again except you are religious and want to pray about it. But he has shown you how your home might be in future. He will act out accorsing to peoples advice without talking it over with you. If you can overlook it and still marry him then go ahead.

delishpot:


Create time to talk to him. If he doesnt respond poaitively then you have to find a place in your heart to forgive and move on. Nothing more you can do again except you are religious and want to pray about it. But he has shown you how your home might be in future. He will act out accorsing to peoples advice without talking it over with you. If you can overlook it and still marry him then go ahead.

OK tnx I really appreciate

Barney11:

please stop waiting for him,ignore him even if it is hard for you,delete his number,what if you didnt know him before your birthday will it make you not to celebrate,if you were expecting to gift you dat day,celebrate the way you normally do when he wasnt there.stop calling or texting him,if he is yours he will turn around if he aint,better one ahead.keep yourself busy,dont let people think you live because of them,that belittles you.

tnx I will need to get busy

forevermine:
Interesting post here!
I'm totally in support of cordial relationships with inlaws, but at the same time, maintaining boundaries so that there's mutual respect.
I've borne the brunt of being too open and trusting of inlaws, taking everyone as I would my family, without any bias or prejudice, but it turned round to sting me in ways I never thought possible. Innocent me!
Now I have learnt, I have taken charge, I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeves(that was my greatest undoing. they knew my weakness and used it to torment me). I had to set my foot down and leave it there... Even up till now when I think about the incident(s), hot tears still gather in my eyes.
My dear ikechizoba and barney11, I can relate. If I begin to tell my story right now(which I can't cos I'm pretty busy at work) , I will take not less than two whole pages on nairaland.
I battled depression, I almost lost myself!
I'm still struggling to let go and forgive, I have accepted an apology I never got.
In the end, who's the loser?
I'm building my home and loving it now. I've taken back the reins. No interference, no puck-nosing! Everybody is now on their lane and its perfect that way so there are no "crashes".Hubby and kids doing great! Life is good....

My sister, thank you so much, having people share same experience with me, is comforting(please don't get me wrong),I was so depressed, thinking that nobody can go through what I went through,l felt so out of this world . Thanks sis..we are getting stronger .

Yes

ZEE WORLD FAMILY....

zemaye:

advice finish!!!
Fine woman how are you and yours
chai i have missed nairalanding

I am gracious, thanks. How have you been?

pesinfada:
what is d meaning of ur name?

What do you think?