Life.
I'm sure life has different meanings for the billions of people on earth. For me the perception has changed because I now see life as an illusion that can only get more fvcked up or more sideways.
And the worst part? People always take for granted what others see and feel, always until they decide enough is enough and end the illusion. That will then be when eyes will be opened and crossed paths recalled.

I'm suffering.....in silence.
To another person I've got it all sorted out.
I'm a medical student.
In 400L and still very young(19 years).
Super smart and Super creative.
Tall and very well behaved.
Well to do. Etc.

Who wouldn't think so!
Except as I said, everything is an illusion!

I never wanted to be a doctor, my dad just happened to like the profession and decided it. I'm in 400L and still don't have a clue how my future will shape out.

How about being brainy, you think there's no downside?
I have little human empathy, I have never really had friends in life because nobody understands me. I'm the nerd, the weirdo, the gadget man. Do you know how hard it is feigning laughter at jokes every single day knowing they mean nothing with logic?.

But of course these may be petty excuses to some people, the real depression came with 2017.

This year has literally been the year everything went sideways.

I hate to go into details but I estimate I'm owing almost 400k, quit notice hanging over my head, rapid deteriorating academic performance, failure in exams looming, I even received a result of an exam and I'm the lowest in class.
I've been depressed since March and life is just like a new maze everyday.
And nobody cares.

I've accumulated so much bad energy that I'm like a magnet for bad things and I feel this in my guy everyday.

Now life takes a new meaning, a continuous line of falling dominoes with nothing but oblivion at the end.
All I wish for is that oblivion.

I have suicidal thoughts everyday and I'm beginning to think it's time.

I'm tired.

Lalasticlala, seun, mynd44

enough of this poem and tell us abt the 400k,how it accumulated and why the quick notice.

Depression is the feeling of disempowerment or in other words helplessness. Since the title of the thread is "Where from here", I would say that you have to go from depression to anger. Feel free to be angry with your father for making you take a path that you have not chosen and feel reluctant to follow. This is, I guess, where your depression and feeling of disempowerment stem from. It does not have to remain like that.

However, let the power of your anger be a constructive force. What is it that you would like to do with your intelligence and creativity? You are only 19 years old and you have a lot of time to do things in life that others can only dream of. What is it that ignites your passion and enthusiasm? Engineering? Law? Music? Sports? Physics?

Decide what you want and go for it. Do not let your talents be wasted. They are worth a lot and they will open doors for you. Life is what you make of it.

Last but not least, you do not have to be like other people. The average person is predictable and boring. I like weird people. They make a difference. Feel free to be yourself. You do not have to have many friends. One or two loyal friends would be enough. There are 7 billion people in this world and trust me, some of them are just like you. You will find them if you stop pretending to be what you are not.

You have a crisis. It is a phase. It will pass. Nothing lasts forever. We all go through a crisis every now and then. It is part of life. You will enjoy good times more for it. Food also tastes better when you felt some hunger before.

Mindfulness:
Depression is the feeling of disempowerment or in other words helplessness. Since the title of the thread is "Where from here", I would say that you have to go from depression to anger. Feel free to be angry with your father for making you take a path that you have not chosen and feel reluctant to follow. This is, I guess, where your depression and feeling of disempowerment stem from. It does not have to remain like that.

However, let the power of your anger be a constructive force. What is it that you would like to do with your intelligence and creativity? You are only 19 years old and you have a lot of time to do things in life that others can only dream of. What is it that ignites your passion and enthusiasm? Engineering? Law? Music? Sports? Physics?

Decide what you want and go for it. Do not let your talents be wasted. They are worth a lot and they will open doors for you. Life is what you make of it.

Last but not least, you do not have to be like other people. The average person is predictable and boring. I like weird people. They make a difference. Feel free to be yourself. You do not have to have many friends. One or two loyal friends would be enough. There are 7 billion people in this world and trust me, some of them are just like you. You will find them if you stop pretending to be what you are not.

You have a crisis. It is a phase. It will pass. Nothing lasts forever. We all go through a crisis every now and then. It is part of life. You will enjoy good times more for it. Food also tastes better when you felt some hunger before.

Thank you very much.
These are the most positive words I've heard in a long time.

TheImpaler:

Thank you very much.
These are the most positive words I've heard in a long time.

You are very welcome, I appreciate your appreciation.
You have the power to navigate through this stormy waters and experience life from its most beautiful side again.
I have had my fair share of crises too and today I call myself one of the happiest people on earth. It is possible and I know you can make it too. You are smart, you are creative and you have reached out for help. It will get better.

19? 400level? Medicine? First pat yourself on the back. Second, stop being so hard on yourself. You over think things... just learn to enjoy life... third, you have one more year to go. Finish school at the very top and graduate like a boss.

Finish school at your highest score then take some time off. The good thing is that you are super young, so you can take time off to figure out if medicine is for you after school. For now, finish what you started. Finish it well, you really really don't want to start jamb all over again. As for your debt, how did you come about that amount of debt? Open up to your parents let them help you pay it. If they can't afford it, use your smartness to tutor your mates and make quick money.

The things that put us down are all in our mind. Just relax, focus and finish school. Then you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out what you want to do. Funny thing is when you take a break, you might miss medicine. You will then jump back in with so much hunger to achieve. All the best... cheer up, it can only get better from here.