e-mail: hansonama@yahoo.com, 08034011161, 07025202105

Ever since our president became indisposed, I decided to keep mum about his health and absence until I saw him in person; it happened that I was in Saudi Arabia and there I was at an undisclosed hospital seated beside my president, the shock of little me sitting beside him made my mouth dry until he spoke to me, he told me that contrary to the belief that he was in life support, I could see that he wasn't, only that he needed and still needs enough rest.

Then I mustered up courage to ask him pertinent questions, the first being the December 25th 2009 international embarrassment tagged “Abdulmutallab”. He smiled and told me that children of nowadays have decided not to be a thing of glory to parents and that he was thankful that he was away and added “my daughter, I am still embarrassed each time the western media bring up the issue, I know Nigerians aren't as bad to be tagged terrorist, don't worry, we will soon be delisted from that horrible list”. “You see”, he continued, “children are very difficult to manage especially in this 21st century where money is the order of the day, I have 37 of them scattered in all the states of the federation, some have decided to steal my money meant for my grand children to globetrot with their girlfriends while some use the same money to trample on whoever tries to advise them on how to cater for his abandoned children”.

I was nonplussed, I tried to decode what he meant but he continued as we shared a drink of Kunu “My child in Lagos is doing well, he is really turning Lagos state to a more habitable state, the BRT system is working and what's more Lagos is very clean unlike the dumpsite it used to be”. It was then that the nickel dropped, it was then I realized that he was talking about the governors, and then I interrupted him reminding him that Governor Fashola he is praising, is under probe, he simply laughed and told me that it is simply the work of his detractors to “PHD”. Knowing that I was more confused, he told me that it means “Pull Him Down”. As for my other children, I have refused to comment much about them until I am fit and well but to say the least, some have embarrassed me to no end, some have turned their once peaceful states to a state of commotion where election rigging, kidnapping, killings of innocent citizen in the name of religion and insecurity has become the order of the day. I let it go as I was happy that among all the so-called envoy or convoy from Nigeria to see the President in Saudi Arabia, it was only yours truly that Turai allowed to see him, am I not fortunate?.

I quickly delved into the BBC interview and Signature case; he sounded angry and told me diplomatically “you are a Christian, how come you have not read your Bible to the point where Esaw was mistaken for Jacob”? I didn't want my President to be angry so I quickly told him that I knew that Bible story by heart and he added, “Who caused it”? I replied that it was their mother Rebecca, he donated a cold stare at me as if saying, “Can't you use your brains”? Well, as smart as I think I am, my brains failed me there so I quickly changed the topic.

I asked him if he heard the comment his predecessor President Obasanjo made, he gave a loud guffaw, and told me that he knew Obasanjo said that he should have taken the “Path of Honour” when he realized that he may not be back so soon. “My dear” he said after downing a cup of Kunu, “the Path of Honour is an ambiguous statement, (I had completely forgotten that I was dealing with a former lecturer) it may have meant that I would have appeared on a national television to inform my children and grand-children that I will be away on health grounds, that is a path of honour, it may also have meant that I ask my second in command to oversee the affairs if the country till I am back, that is also a path of honour, better still an outright resignation, do you now see why I say it is an ambiguous statement”? “I know that my predecessor couldn't have asked that I resigned because he knows what power is that was why he agitated for third term only to run to me when he knew that he would fail woefully. I trust him he wouldn't have said that I resign”. “Next question please”? I let that glide.

“When are you coming back or are you comfortable with the fact that Goodluck Jonathan is Acting President”? “I don't want to be back until I am fit to play squash or have you forgotten that when the issue of if I would be fit came while I was contesting that I challenged everybody to a game of squash”? “As for Goodluck”, he continued “ I know that he is cool headed enough to lead the country but one thing worries me badly, I got a mail that he has always been lucky ever since he was in primary school when he was assistant head boy and the head boy got expelled and he took over, then he became assistant prefect in secondary school and the prefect died, he took over, he later became the Vice Chairman in a local government, the Chairman got enmeshed in a financial scandal and was impeached, he took over, he later became Deputy Governor to Alamiesiegha, we all know what happened”, “and now”, he cried out loud “see me here with Pericadiatis, and Goodluck is Acting President”.

He wept and I panicked, how do I console a crying president? I asked myself as I quickly rang the bell for help expecting the nurses to handle the situation, instead, in walked Madam Turai who was visibly angry with me that she only allowed me to see him after turning her back on others with the hope that I would bring consolation but I made him cry, I tried to apologize only to be disgraced and thrown out of the hospital.

Angry that there were so many other questions I ought to have asked, I headed for the airport, happy at least, that I will be hailed and honoured as the first Nigerian to be allowed to see the President, after all the suicide bomber, Abdulmutallab's father, was tipped by a serving Senator to be given National Honour, if he deserves the award for raising a suicide bomber how much more me who was privileged to sit near a president? I could visualize the headlines in Nigerian newspapers especially the Sun's bullet headline that would probably read. “Shocker!!!” only when you open the page will you see that the little me met the president. The “scheming” and “scanning” I got at the airport notwithstanding, I was in for being a heroine.

I boarded the plane decided to relax when I heard my dog Jimmy barking, I adjusted my ear as I was sure I couldn't have taken jimmy with me to Saudi Arabia, but the barking was unmistakably Jimmy. I woke with a start.
And so it was one hell of a devil-kissed-God-forsaken dream…, Oh my God!