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How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage - Family - Nairaland

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How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 4:12pm On Mar 15, 2010
What do you do after marring your wife only to discover her dirty past.

Do you just forget and pretend they never happened or they keep haunting you. . , .

Do these past affects your thinking one way or do other . , .

Do you still consider yourself lucking?

What if you know some of these men . . , .

What do you do @ this stage,
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MrPrsdent(m): 4:14pm On Mar 15, 2010
The past is the past

Let it go and concentrate on the future

or else

your marriage is doomed
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 4:16pm On Mar 15, 2010
and when these so called past are so disappointing , . .

Considering the fact that you thought that you married a saint.

Somethings are better imagined. . .
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by smooooooth: 4:18pm On Mar 15, 2010
abeg! abeg!! i'm gonna say this for the last time. you dnt have to hold on to someone's past. you guys hold on to what you have and concentrate on the future. ahan! did God look at your past to give you a future. what has someone past got to do with who they are or what they gonna be. what matters is the present. cos its what determines the future.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MrPrsdent(m): 4:20pm On Mar 15, 2010
generalj1:

and when these so called past are so disappointing , . .

Considering the fact that you thought that you married a saint.

Somethings are better imagined. . .

If you aren't a saint,you have no right to expect your wife to be one.Or are you?
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 4:32pm On Mar 15, 2010
ok.

Let me break this down to you my people.

You and your wife are from the same area,

You ppple practically grow up together.

While you were growing up, you noticed that she never mingled with you folks instead, she was always in church 2 4 7.

Your ways then crossed each other and you married her (she's still a very good girl, plenty church stuff)

So you feel like you have a saint even though she wasn't a virgin when you married her (you know all these one elderly person abused me when i was 15 kind of story girls say all the time. And you believed).

Only to discover that all these while that she has been in church, she has been sexually involved with a pastor.

the same man that poses himself as her Father -in -the lord and still parades himself as such. And your in-laws respects alot.

How do you react, when you in-laws come visiting along with their Pastor (this same man)

You can't send him out, because your inlaws don't know what has happened inbtw their daughter and their pastor.

What can you do, when this same person that has slept with your wife for a number years (more than you self) still come around.

NB:

this man does not know that your wife has told you everything that has happened btw them.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by essarios(m): 4:33pm On Mar 15, 2010
generalj1:

What do you do after marring your wife only to discover her dirty past.

Do you just forget and pretend they never happened or they keep haunting you. . ,  .

Do these past affects your thinking one way or do other . ,  .

Do you still consider yourself lucking?

What if you know some of these men . . ,  .

What do you do @ this stage,

you are the only one that can make the past stay in the past
you think too hard above it, you only make it become your present
and eventually you future. Let it go. Just the same way she did.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MrPrsdent(m): 4:37pm On Mar 15, 2010
generalj1:

ok.

Let me break this down to you my people.

You and your wife are from the same area,

You ppple practically grow up together.

While you were growing up, you noticed that she never mingled with you folks instead, she was always in church 2 4 7.

Your ways then crossed each other and you married her (she's still a very good girl, plenty church stuff)

So you feel like you have a saint even though she wasn't a virgin when you married her (you know all these one elderly person abused me when i was 15 kind of story girls say all the time. And you believed).

Only to discover that all these while that she has been in church, she has been sexually involved with a pastor.

the same man that poses himself as her Father -in -the lord and still parades himself as such. And your in-laws respects alot.

How do you react, when you in-laws come visiting along with their Pastor (this same man)

You can't send him out, because your inlaws don't know what has happened inbtw their daughter and their pastor.

What can you do, when this same person that has slept with your wife for a number years (more than you self) still come around.

NB:

this man does not know that your wife has told you everything that has happened btw them.



@OP

seems to me you don't really understand the meaning of marriage.

Marriage is not by force.You should have remained single

You complain of the woman having an affair with the 'pastor',forgetting that there are women out there who have been with more than 100 men and today,are somebody's 'good' wife
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 4:45pm On Mar 15, 2010
@MrPresident

you don't understand.

if i've known b4 hand, i won't mind.

but considering the fact that all our 5 yrs of courtship, i've lived to believe my wife has never been with a man after the abuse that happened when she was much younger (which could be true)

that due to her constant church church stuff, you considered her a good choice for spiritual partnership,

you have series of times you've seen her in the church with pastor and felt comfortable that your fiance is in good place/hand,


i can marry a prostitute, if i've known b4 hand and am convinced that she has changed ,
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by davidylan(m): 4:49pm On Mar 15, 2010
MrPrsdent:

@OP

seems to me you don't really understand the meaning of marriage.

Marriage is not by force.You should have remained single

You complain of the woman having an affair with the 'pastor',forgetting that there are women out there who have been with more than 100 men and today,are somebody's 'good' wife

i think its his wife who didnt . . . if she could keep such a secret from him for yrs and decieve him into marrying her knowing she was sleeping with her pastor then God knows what that woman can do to him. poor fellow. What other escapades is he unaware of?
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 4:51pm On Mar 15, 2010
@davidylan

thanks my brother,


pls what can i do
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MrPrsdent(m): 4:52pm On Mar 15, 2010
Then have a man-2-man talk with the Pastor.that might make you feel better
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by generalj1(m): 5:02pm On Mar 15, 2010
how can i have a man to man talk with this man,


1. he is very much older (15 yrs +)

2. He does know i know their secret

3. I might be tempted to slice his throat (lol)
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by essarios(m): 5:03pm On Mar 15, 2010
MrPrsdent:

Then have a man-2-man talk with the Pastor.that might make you feel better

that wont solve any problems, what would you want to hear, that he did her well?
please let it go, hanging on this is only eating you deep, dwelling on it would
only substitute the love you have for her and from the way i see things you are
nearing that region.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by babree(m): 5:14pm On Mar 15, 2010
Forgive your wife's past and learn to trust her. loving your wife is a decision remember, when you love pple you do so even when it is not convienent.
But b'cos just anyone can be tempted, help your wife by making sure the pastor is miles away from her. sit with the pastor and have a hrt to hrt talk as men. For no reason shd he come close to your house. Period.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by pro01: 6:00pm On Mar 15, 2010
I'm flummoxed to say the least by the responses i've seen here (apart from the majestic Davidlyan of cause). Its either hypocrisy is more pervasive than i thought, or mass debauchery has desecrated our values.

One of the reasons I feel comfortable with whites (particularly their women) is that they hardly pretend to be what they're not. Meet a regular white chick and if she enjoys groupies or gangb.angs she'd say it unashamedly. If on the other hand she's born again then she very well is. To each their own, and you know ab initio what you're going into.

With Nigerians, unfortunately, the lines between reality and make-believe are so blurred. You think you're seeing a nun but she's in fact a wh.ore. Pretence has fouled the very air we breathe! How can i purposefully go out to buy a bottle of champaigne, only to find out it contains vinegar. Heck, why fool me into buying what i dont need - which in fact would be bought by someone else who may want it?

@poster, don't know about you but I'd surely kick such a 'thing' out of my house. I hate these twats that use 'church this church that' or fake virtuous/virgin claims to ensnare a man. Hell yeah I'd kick her out. She'd be lucky not to get a bullet in her filthy a.s.s while on her way out.

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Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by omega25red(m): 6:04pm On Mar 15, 2010
These are things you should have talked about before you put a ring on it. Besides the past is the past you are married now and if it bothers you that much move from the area and start fresh
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by mamagee3(f): 7:44pm On Mar 15, 2010
Past ko, Present ni. Couples should learn about each other's personalities and their bad sides before getting married, simple!
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by luvbooks(f): 7:59pm On Mar 15, 2010
In this scenario the worst thing you can do now is to talk to the so - called Pastor because you are not ready yet. You are still furious with him on behalf of your wife and all that.

As regards your wife, . . . what can I say? Obviously what she's told you has affected your opinion of her. I like that you said the fact that she wasn't a virgin didn't mean all that much to you. But her story COULD be true . . . it may be that the 'Man of God' in question was the one who abused her and from then on she found it really hard to say no.

I could be wrong . . . Just speculating.

I'm not trying to justify anything that happened or excuse it, but for now all you can to do is make sure you change your church. You obviously know why you should, because listening to that man preach will destroy your faith, and also, you will be paranoid that your wife might have an affair with him again. Which would be twice as bad.
Lastly, you need to try to forgive her for not telling you this in time. It's going to take a long time , I know. But you have to try. That's the only way your marriage is ever going to work.

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Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by switosman(m): 11:24pm On Mar 15, 2010
@poster

If this scenerio is disturbing you that much then tell your wife how you feel about it. if she is very wise, she will find a way to stop such visit. but on your own if you'v got such information, don't you know you have to relocate her far from such past?

e bi like say you want a start over again,
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by TOPE20001(f): 11:26pm On Mar 15, 2010
This one na serious matter lipsrsealed shocked
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Ebonyeyes(f): 11:28pm On Mar 15, 2010
Like you dont have a nasty past. I hate it when most of these men claim to be saints when infact they have fooked girls enough to populate a small country and probably convinced half a dozen of them to go for an abortion.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by pro01: 12:04am On Mar 16, 2010
^^
Your reply begs the question (as it does ever so often) So what's your point? That he should have clapped for her when that obnoxious secret came out? Which kind extremist 'feminist' you be sef. At least I'm sure he didn't PRETEND to be a virgin boy to that tramp. My biggest aversion is pretence. Why deceive a man into marrying you!

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Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by H2O2: 1:19am On Mar 16, 2010
Try to do your homework before marrying her. If you were unable to dig up the dirt until after marriage then you have every right to be pissed. IF you were deceived into marrying her then by all means, depending on the enormity of the past itself I just might advise you to terminate the darn marriage. Marriage built on a foundation of deceit is no marriage at all and was never built to last to begin with.

Yeah yeah everyone has a past, but that shouldn't have been a reason for her to pretend and cheat her way into a ring. Every action has its reaction (or maybe even call it consequence) so be wise with the everyday decisions you make.

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Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MRbrownJAY(m): 6:41am On Mar 16, 2010
poster
any man can fall for what you are going through because we all know how some women can be sneaky about this kind of stuff.you could have "studied" her for 10yrs and still not know!
the catch is how you are going to deal with the issue at hand now.

IMHO you should:
1) bring it all in the open so that everybody knows what kind of "pastor" he is and also that your wife never ever have any contact with this b.a.s.t.a.r.d. that claims to be a holy man (they are very good at brainwashing people and your wife will never be safe in his presence).
there is no way this man is stepping into your home EVER AGAIN or you and your spouse stepping in his phoney church!

2) make your wife understand that not telling you before marriage was completely wrong and that HONESTY and TRUST are some of the most important traits in a union. she should work DAMN hard to get it back!

3) tell your wife to come clean right away and tell you ALL THE TRUTH about her past. all these abuse stories etc might be another of her nonsense plot to cover up her nasty background. make her understand that if you ever learn about any of her lies again it will be the end of the road. knowing that she was an ashi in the past wont make things better but at least you will know exactly who you have in front of you and deal accordingly.
example: if she is a n.y.m.p.h.o then you would have to tie her to the bed post before going to work in the morning OR get a chastity belt and mouth cover. . . . . . . LOL!

4) depending on what kind of man you are, you should forgive her BUT never forget what kind of snake "person" you are laying with. you now know how LOW she can go!
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by nairaAdmin(m): 6:45am On Mar 16, 2010
I often wonder why youth have forgotten the power of communication. i mean getting talking,. let us assume that you have not been communication in the past before you jump into marriage. now, she now open up all the sheat, and you are hot shocked you ought to have known about it during courtship period. simple!
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Duniverse(m): 7:14am On Mar 16, 2010
H2O2:

Try to do your homework before marrying her. If you were unable to dig up the dirt until after marriage then you have every right to be pissed. IF you were deceived into marrying her then by all means, depending on the enormity of the past itself I just might advise you to terminate the darn marriage. Marriage built on a foundation of deceit is no marriage at all and was never built to last to begin with.

Yeah yeah everyone has a past, but that shouldn't have been a reason for her to pretend and cheat her way into a ring. Every action has its reaction (or maybe even call it consequence) so be wise with the everyday decisions you make.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Duniverse(m): 7:20am On Mar 16, 2010
MrPrsdent:

Then have a man-2-man talk with the Pastor.that might make you feel better
what kind of talk do you want to have with the pastor instead of thinking of how to disgracin him publicli
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Duniverse(m): 7:26am On Mar 16, 2010
What if during the line alot of abortion were done to d extent her womb were affected.
what wil happen to the so called marriage?
How wil there be happiness? What wil your people say? What will people say about you?
I live this question for you guys to answer.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Duniverse(m): 7:27am On Mar 16, 2010
What if during the line alot of abortion were done to d extent her womb were affected.
what wil happen to the so called marriage?
How wil there be happiness? What wil your people say? What will people say about you?
I live this question for you guys to answer.
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by MrPrsdent(m): 8:28am On Mar 16, 2010
", Marriage is an agreement between the man and woman. Husband and wife take certain vows, to love one another, to cherish one another, and to stay together through sickness and health, for better and for worse. In most cases, this agreement includes intimate faithfulness, and a promise that each person will do what they can to make the other one happy. For some people, this agreement between man and woman takes the form of a covenant between not only the couple, but God as well, "

IMHO,concentrate on the future,bearing the above in mind
Re: How Do You Handle Your Wife's Past After Marriage by Siena(m): 8:39am On Mar 16, 2010
generalj1:

how can i have a man to man talk with this man,


1. he is very much older (15 yrs +)

2. He does know i know their secret

3. I might be tempted to slice his throat (lol)

So you wife has (had) a secret, so what? How much of your own past does she know? How much do you expect her to tell you about hers? Do you want chapter and verse?

Everyone has a past, and we've all done certain things we're not too proud of. It's up to us as individuals to leave the past behind, and concentrate on the future. From what you're saying here, I fear your marriage is already in trouble. It's up to you to revive it, and make things work. Otherwise, let your wife go, leaving you to find a squeaky-clean replacement!

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