my house is always on fire wt quarells, my parents still fight till 2moro, he still beats her no one seems to listen to advice, they hv been married for over 20 yrs and the kind of things that make them fight is amazing. they are not setting good examples for us

please how do i handle this

well obviously your mom is not going to leave him because this has been going on for 20years. I wonder how old you are and if you have siblings that are old enough too to sit your dad down and let him know how messed up it is that not only does he beat your mom but he does it in front of you all. i would do that on a day he is very happy so he doesn't get mad and turn on you guys. if that doesn't work, the next time he strats beating her you all need to jump in and whoop his ass like he stole something and tell him that he is being watched because the next time will be worse.

- Is your family a believing family (religious)?
- Do you know if your father is keeping extramarital affairs? (It might surprise you, but think about it)
- Have you tried to ask your father pointedly, on a good day like *Omega25Red* suggested, why he is so unhappy with your mother to the extent of beating her in the presence of her children.

There are times you as the helpless watching can be a solution to what you think is "unsolveable".

Ask, even if you might be beaten. You will find some answers that might lead to possible solutions.

Dear young man, there'a a lot to this than you think. In the 1st place its not right for any man to beat the wife, but do you knw some wives are very provocative? Have you seen a wife poured palm oil on her hubby's white shirt, knowing quite well he is going for a contract meeting? How do u thnk such man will react? First tell us what causes ur mum and dad's quarel and i'll be able to contribute positively.

*Erniewez*
I think we should be a little bit more supportive than discouraging; we do not know the exact age of the poster.
We need to be neutral in advising the poster and not taking sides based on personal experiences, so as not to
create more confusion. Apparently, if he is a man, this is his first experience as differentiated from Home Video fiction.

thanks guys, i am 23 a female. and i hv an elder bro as well. its rather painful that my bro supports my dad. he direspects her totally. i know my mum is not a saint. she has her own flaws, but i personally blve that any man that lays he's hands on a lady is such a looser, no matter how much he has achieved.

the recent incident b4 i left home was 2 months ago when my grand mum died. my grand mum was previously living with my dads sister is onitsha. he said in the five years she was there my mum never took care of his mum. when she died, he asked my mum to call his sis and tell her thanks for taking care of their mum

i was shocked when i heard this. i had to call from school, and i told him point blank that my mum is not obliged to take care of his step mum when her daughter was alive and kicking, and she doesnt owe my aunty any thank u for taking car of her own mother.

he send my aunt more than 50k a month for grands ma's upkeep and never give my mum money, she has to beg for anyone he gives her. i told him that was not fair and he said that he put her in a job that thats his own way of helping her, that was the shock of my life.

he picks offence at the slightest thing, anytime there is a pro in the house his sis will be the first to hear. they do things without involving my mum. no one regards her in the family. i guess he uses this a punishment for my mum anytime he offends her, the other day she had to go for scan after a fresh round of beating of which he refused her money to see a doctor.
the last time i tried to speak to him he hung up on me telling me that my mum has indroctrinated me and i mam taking sides.

the truth is dat i am trying my best but its like nothing is gettin better, no matter how anyone blackmails my mum she is still my mother and i dont want anything to happen to her.

pls advice me on how to handle this

correction:
"i was shocked when i heard this. i had to call from school, and i told him point blank that my mum is not obliged to take care of his mum when her daughter was alive and kicking, and she doesnt owe my aunty any thank u for taking car of her own mother"

Is it true that some adults- some fathers- are immature even they ve crossed 40yrs old?
Cos i think the issue here is immaturity of the dads!

sorry but I think your mum is a stubborn woman

bizzybii:

thanks guys, i am 23 a female. and i hv an elder bro as well. its rather painful that my bro supports my dad. he direspects her totally. i know my mum is not a saint. she has her own flaws, but i personally blve that any man that lays he's hands on a lady is such a looser, no matter how much he has achieved.

the recent incident b4 i left home was 2 months ago when my grand mum died. my grand mum was previously living with my dads sister is onitsha. he said in the five years she was there my mum never took care of his mum. when she died, he asked my mum to call his sis and tell her thanks for taking care of their mum

i was shocked when i heard this. i had to call from school, and i told him point blank that my mum is not obliged to take care of his step mum when her daughter was alive and kicking, and she doesnt owe my aunty any thank u for taking car of her own mother.

he send my aunt more than 50k a month for grands ma's upkeep and never give my mum money, she has to beg for anyone he gives her. i told him that was not fair and he said that he put her in a job that thats his own way of helping her, that was the shock of my life.

he picks offence at the slightest thing, anytime there is a pro in the house his sis will be the first to hear. they do things without involving my mum. no one regards her in the family. i guess he uses this a punishment for my mum anytime he offends her, the other day she had to go for scan after a fresh round of beating of which he refused her money to see a doctor.
the last time i tried to speak to him he hung up on me telling me that my mum has indroctrinated me and i mam taking sides.

the truth is dat i am trying my best but its like nothing is gettin better, no matter how anyone blackmails my mum she is still my mother and i dont want anything to happen to her.

pls advice me on how to handle this

This is really sad, but typical of most Nigerian marriages!

We brag that our marriages last longer than that of the westerners, but that’s only because women are able to take abuse from men here that women in the west would never take! The happiness most married couples experience here is often an illusion. And what really saddens me is the fact the we have come to accept, even expect the various forms of maltreatment from the men we call our husbands!

Women see themselves as a lesser beings than the men. The stay home, take care of the family and looks the other way when their men cheat. When he raises his hands against them, the make excuses for him. When he lies, they justify it by saying . .  ‘they are men’. Pathetic!

I think women need to stand up for themselves, if not for anything for the sake of their children. Now your brother sees nothing wrong with hitting a woman and your father is not the only one to blame for that. Women should teach their children right and wrong and how to stand up for themselves. What better way to do this than to live it?

Staying with a man that disrespects your is not a sign of great love but that of great weakness! She’s telling her children that it’s okay to be weak as far as you are a woman! She’s telling her son that’s okay to disrespect her, as far as she’s your wife!  Shame on her!

   

I'm not saying she should leave him, but she should try and get her respect back. If he doesn't offer it, let her DEMAND it! It's her right!      

And if you want to help her, you can start by telling her that!

sayso:

sorry but I think your mum is a stubborn woman

Isn’t this typical of a Nigerian man? I saw you are married with two children! Hmmn! Is this what you teach them? That it’s okay to beat your wife is she’s stubborn?

*bizzybii*
I take it that your mother was pretty and lovely when your father married her, correct me if i am wrong!

@sayso, what is ur definition of stubborn, when a man treats his wife as secondary to anyother thing and she complians about it does that make her stubborn? or when she has a son that disrespects her and she complain to her husband does that mean she is stubborn? i bet u do not blv in hitting women or disrespecting them do u?

@Falajuro yes she was and still is. but how does that relate to the issue at hand?

*Bizzybii*
I detect a fading of affection; the marriage probably was, and has been of unequal proportions in terms of affection ab inicio!
Your mother was happy and sincerely in love (probably blinded by his sincere nature at first) when he approached her. He was
probably swooned by her beauty and wanted to "possess" her as an achievement (`meet my beautiful wife` kind of ).

However, over the years and with you children growing up, he probably does not have total control over that "worship" from your
mother anymore. And, 24 years can have some minimal effect on the looks of a beatiful woman thereby reducing his affection for her.

This brings us to the initial foundation of the marriage: was the courtship prolonged? Were they trusted friends before marriage? Has it
been a no third-party, internal problem-solving marriage? If you say his sister, your aunt is always in the loop of issues at home, then I
guarantee you the problems they are having now started when your mother had your pregnancy. ( I do not mean unfaithfulness on either
part, mother or father). A lasting foundation was not there at the beginning.

You need strong infatuation, understanding, tolerance, endurance, sacrificing (yet courageous enough to correct with care the erring party).
His sister, your aunt cannot help if she is siding the bother, your father. But, if he is still in his natural, unaffected, unencumbered senses, a united
children´s meeting, asking the right questions and expressing your frustrations and embarassments will be a start to a change.

An outsider, other than a priest is not required!!!

sergeantstone2001@yahoo.com [color=#770077][/color]

@bizzybii lets examine this issue you have narated, (YOUR DAD ASKING YOUR MUM TO SAY THANK YOU TO YOUR DAD'S SISTER FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR DAD'S MUM TILL SHE DIED).
Now, I dnt knw the ethnic grp ur dad belongs, cld it be a tradition in your dad's village tht the daughter-in-law shld be responsible to take care of the husband's mum? So many things comes with tradition tht we see as silly, stupid or crazy. But traditions must be followed where it is taken very strongly, unless the couples has come to agreement to ignore "senseless" traditions. This is peculiar to Xtian homes. IF YOUR ANSWER IS "YES", then ur mum shld hav obliged to say "thank you"! to her sister-in-law.

If such tradition doesnt exist, am sorry to say, your dad is immatured. The other side of this ur dad's insistence tht ur mum shld thank his sis may be that your mum and ur dad's sis had never been in good terms, tht goes to my next qtn (HOW IS THE RELATIONSHIP BTW UR MUM AND UR AUNT or UR DAD'S SIBBLINGS?) If the relationship is bad, it has to be worked on and improved. Because personally, I wnt lyk my wife having unresolved issues with my family, unless i personally have seen tht my fam are being unnecessrilly hostile to my wife.

Now your brother is very rude and I guess he might be taking dad's side knowing quite well ure taking mum's side. Wld you tell us here if uve been rude to ur dad as well? I hope uve not been so? Non of you shld take sides, you shld rather try to let the wrong party knw his/her wrongs lovingly and carefully. And ull only do that after the turbulence has calmed. Let ur parents knw why they hav to live happily, cos whatever they do affects u the children. Let them knw u love them both and ull be more happier if they love each other the way u loved them.

I use to have an elder bro and sis who are lyk cat and rat. But each of them is very close to me, great frnds I will say. Now they both live with my dad and yet to marry though they are over-ripe. My tears brought back some sense into them, I was bold to challenge both of them and tld them hw bitter i am tht two pple tht i love are sworn enemies. Today they are very close, and also we made sure they start living apart.
But ur parents cant live apart, but ull have to get the support of ur bro 1st, am sure the 2 of u are also at logger-head. After uve made peace with him, both of u will take the war to ur parents, they must LOVE and ENDURE each other.

erniewhez:

@bizzybii lets examine this issue you have narated, (YOUR DAD ASKING YOUR MUM TO SAY THANK YOU TO YOUR DAD'S SISTER FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR DAD'S MUM TILL SHE DIED).
Now, I dnt knw the ethnic grp your dad belongs, cld it be a tradition in your dad's village tht the daughter-in-law shld be responsible to take care of the husband's mum? So many things comes with tradition tht we see as silly, silly or crazy. But traditions must be followed where it is taken very strongly, unless the couples has come to agreement to ignore "senseless" traditions. This is peculiar to Xtian homes. IF YOUR ANSWER IS "YES", then your mum shld hav obliged to say "thank you"! to her sister-in-law.

If such tradition doesnt exist, am sorry to say, your dad is immatured. The other side of this your dad's insistence tht your mum shld thank his sis may be that your mum and your dad's sis had never been in good terms, tht goes to my next qtn (HOW IS THE RELATIONSHIP BTW your MUM AND your AUNT or your DAD'S SIBBLINGS?) If the relationship is bad, it has to be worked on and improved. Because personally, I wnt lyk my wife having unresolved issues with my family, unless i personally have seen tht my fam are being unnecessrilly hostile to my wife.

Now your brother is very rude and I guess he might be taking dad's side knowing quite well ure taking mum's side. Wld you tell us here if uve been rude to your dad as well? I hope uve not been so? Non of you shld take sides, you shld rather try to let the wrong party knw his/her wrongs lovingly and carefully. And ull only do that after the turbulence has calmed. Let your parents knw why they hav to live happily, cos whatever they do affects u the children. Let them knw u love them both and ull be more happier if they love each other the way u loved them.

I use to have an elder bro and sis who are lyk cat and rat. But each of them is very close to me, great frnds I will say. Now they both live with my dad and yet to marry though they are over-ripe. My tears brought back some sense into them, I was bold to challenge both of them and tld them hw bitter i am tht two pple tht i love are sworn enemies. Today they are very close, and also we made sure they start living apart.
But your parents cant live apart, but ull have to get the support of your bro 1st, am sure the 2 of u are also at logger-head. After uve made peace with him, both of u will take the war to your parents, they must LOVE and ENDURE each other.

Keep in mind that it is her father's step mom and the woman had a surviving daughter. Her mother should have still shown some kind of support though I don't know if she did or not. What makes me sad here is that your older brother supports his dad. I can guarantee you that he will most likely be a wife beater. I wish I am not right though.

::

Outstrip:


Keep in mind that it is her father's step mom and the woman had a surviving daughter. Her mother should have still shown some kind of support though I don't know if she did or not. What makes me sad here is that your older brother supports his dad. I can guarantee you that he will most likely be a wife beater. I wish I am not right though.

NOTHING justifies a man raising his hands on his wife, and in front of the children for that matter. In my family, it's a taboo!

Besides their problems didn't start with that, the man has been treating the woman like crap long before the death of his mom!

I don't care about the woman, she made her choice and she should deal with it. It's the children I'm concerned about. Her cowardice will cost them a lot when they grow up! Definitely!

I am not saying that the man is justified. Please read what I posted. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior. NONE. I cannot stress it enough. What I meant was that her mother might have called to check and see how things are going or simply be emotionally supportive in what was obviously a difficult time. I also pointed out that she probably did but the poster did not say. I don't know what went on there. I know though that when every other thing goes haywire in a relationship the small things become a big deal such as the woman now automatically being responsible for the care of a woman that has her own children that are alive and well.

malaika:

Hire a couple of area boys *yeah I know about them from Nollywood * to accost your dad and beat him silly all the while chanting 'this is how your wife feels when you are beating her'

seriously, why do nigerian women do this to themselves? no matter how stubborn a woman is, her husband has no right to beat her. if he is tired of her he should go, not beat her in front of her kids.

@ poster,

i feel for you cos anything you do concerning this issue would be criticized, family members would rather have you turn a blind eye to your mother's plight. in your situation, i would confront my mom and ask her why she lets herself be abused. i would tell her i'm uncomfortable with the situation and if there's anything specific she's doing to cause trouble she should stop. then i would meet my dad and tell him the same, that he has to learn to overlook whatever things my mom is doing to annoy him. ask him if that's the kind of life he would want for me. if after talking to both of them the situation persists, i would try to step in during fights and encourage my mom to stand up for herself. if she refuses to do so and still insists on staying with him, i would leave them and just keep praying that they would sort themselves out someday. BUT i would make my trips home few and far between (move out if i'm still living with them).

*GL*
Thanks for your balanced advice.

*Poster*
Heed those words; try these pieces of advice, if it doesn´t work, hands off.
BUT, DO YOUR BEST NOT TO ACCEPT SAME SITUATION IN THE FUTURE. It does not
mean you have to be an Activist in so doing: rather, do so with this experience you are
unfortunately exposed to.

bizzybii:

my house is always on fire wt quarells, my parents still fight till 2moro, he still beats her no one seems to listen to advice, they hv been married for over 20 yrs and the kind of things that make them fight is amazing. they are not setting good examples for us

please how do i handle this

Sit down and watch the heavy weight champion win the belt,

Someone needs to teach your Dad some lessons of his life.

They could go their separate ways than fighting after 20 years of marriage . . . . .

Poster

one other thing is to speak with your mom. Ask her why she remains in such an abusive relationship because she definately can't claim to enjoy the beatings. Find out her motivations and try to gauge where her mind is because it might give you a better understanding of the situation. i would also talk to that brother of yours who supports the fact that your father beats your mom. find out what he heard or knows and why he is cool with it. By the way is he married and does he beat his wife?

@omega, its not like my mum is enjoying it, her eldest bro has asked her to leave and that he wld not be alive to see his sis suffer in anymans hand.
, but my mum said she cant afford to leave her matrimonial home especially as her children are still in school,
if she leaves and another woman comes in, things will never be the same for us,
and its not like she doesnt hv an income, but we all go to private schools, she wont be able to handle it on her own,

He probably won't change ever. You need to stand on your own and take your mother along with you. That's the only solution.

Well!
Nothing you can do in this case!
ANOTHER WOMAN IS INVOLVED.
There was NEVER love and respect in this so-called marriage!
Marriage is supposed to get better with age/time. . . . Not stagnate OR GET WORSE!
THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD FAILED WOEFULLY!
It takes 2 to Tango. . . . But it is the man that usually is THE AGGRESSOR when he no longer finds his wife accommodating of his socio-economic liabilities!

bizzybii: thanks guys, i am 23 a female. and i hv an elder bro as well. its rather painful that my bro supports my dad. he direspects her totally. i know my mum is not a saint. she has her own flaws, but i personally blve that any man that lays he's hands on a lady is such a looser, no matter how much he has achieved.

the recent incident b4 i left home was 2 months ago when my grand mum died. my grand mum was previously living with my dads sister is onitsha. he said in the five years she was there my mum never took care of his mum. when she died, he asked my mum to call his sis and tell her thanks for taking care of their mum

i was shocked when i heard this. i had to call from school, and i told him point blank that my mum is not obliged to take care of his step mum when her daughter was alive and kicking, and she doesnt owe my aunty any thank u for taking car of her own mother.

he send my aunt more than 50k a month for grands ma's upkeep and never give my mum money, she has to beg for anyone he gives her. i told him that was not fair and he said that he put her in a job that thats his own way of helping her, that was the shock of my life.

he picks offence at the slightest thing, anytime there is a pro in the house his sis will be the first to hear. they do things without involving my mum. no one regards her in the family. i guess he uses this a punishment for my mum anytime he offends her, the other day she had to go for scan after a fresh round of beating of which he refused her money to see a doctor.
the last time i tried to speak to him he hung up on me telling me that my mum has indroctrinated me and i mam taking sides.

the truth is dat i am trying my best but its like nothing is gettin better, no matter how anyone blackmails my mum she is still my mother and i dont want anything to happen to her.

pls advice me on how to handle this

Encourage ur mum to become financially independent
after this she shld pack from the house or kick ur dad out
......life is too short to waste on unhappiness

bizzybii: @omega, its not like my mum is enjoying it, her eldest bro has asked her to leave and that he wld not be alive to see his sis suffer in anymans hand.
, but my mum said she cant afford to leave her matrimonial home especially as her children are still in school,
if she leaves and another woman comes in, things will never be the same for us,
and its not like she doesnt hv an income, but we all go to private schools, she wont be able to handle it on her own,

ask God for wisdom and put your dad in prayer, don't be tired of prayer and I bet u... He will change. Believe me most of d problem comes from ur dad Sista, she as a lot of role to play her because ur dad take advise from her. So put her in prayer too even if it takes u to fast and cry to God believe me things will change. after prayer talk to ur dad sis, she will tell u many things and it will help.. Don't take any1 of dem as ur enemy to help u to pray wit a free mind
I pray dat God will c ur bitterness of heart and settle dis to make u Apy amen.

sayso: sorry but I think your mum is a stubborn woman

Really , do you know her Mum?
The kind of response you get here ehen can make one offend God.
My dear since you have tried talking to your Dad and he does not seem to understand talk to your Mom. Tell how you feel from the depths of your heart . Tell her to avoid whatever would result to beating , she isnt getting any younger . Give or take she should be in her mid forties upward . She doesnt have to reply everything your father says no matter how annoying .

Just as i was about rejoicing you have an elder brother, it turns out he is going to be twice or more as worse than your dad. If you still have any grown brother say your immediate or close next that is against your dad actions then he is the tried and trusted deal. All he need do is to vibrate and dare your dad the next time he tries to beat mum, i mean threaten to beat him up (he really does not have to do it but must appear real). Trust me your dad and elder bro will be speechless. Yes they wont do any more than the cowards they are. For now over and over again(cos her of mindset) indoctrinate your mother to ignore your dad, thank God she has a job. Let her stop asking for money or any help, like show him she can breath without him cos there lies her freedom and sanctity. Even your father go call himself to order if she successfully ignore him.