Hi people. I hope you are all having a chilled out weekend---in one way or another

I was just wondering whether there are people in this debate forum that can help me understand the nigerian culture and nigerian men at that, when in comes to relationships.
I have been together with a nigerian guy for some time now, I have even met his parents and siblings in Nigeria and I found that to be a really profound experience. Well, until I found out that there is another woman in my guy´s life and she´s currently taking care of his daughter in Nigeria. I never met her when I travelled there. The weird part about this discovery is that my guy explained that at the time of our travel together to nigeria, the other woman was staying with his parents coz her parents had thrown her out when they found out that she was pregnant for him. and during the first months of us being together,he had travelled back to nigeria for 5 months and had an "affair" with this gal. I don´t know whether it´s an affair with me he´s having either . Its just heartbreaking coz I´ve invested my life with this man but I´m an african gal wondering whether this is a one man´s error or a way for him to cover his actual future plans with me coz I´m non- nigerian. What do you guys take of this? What´s the deal with having a woman in nigeria in general when wanting to live abroad?

Do Nigerian men settle for other women of african origin?

Thanx in advance for your answers.

Jeez, this kind of situation always make me sad.My 2 cents,let him go, the other woman may have all the supprt of his parents and you may not be accepted.

A frog has to look before it leaps.

I know, when things don´t turn out just the way you expected or were promised, the world falls apart.
All that I explained above is just a summary and has taken place the past couple of years.

Its hard to just leave him,although It´s on my mind. I already have 2 kids with him before I found out the disastrous news. You might be right though, maybe the other gal has been accepted into the family that I did.

Andre Uweh:

A frog has to look before it leaps.

what does that mean?

You did not do your homework before you gave your silly body to a man you are not sure of. It is an outright stupidity for someone to invest in a man you are not sure of. You are not even married to him. An adult is different from a 5 year old 10 year old. It never occured to your memory that such an adult might have been married, or engaged with someone else or is seeing someone else before you.
Could the parents, siblings, relatives and friends lie to you at the same time?. When you are about to go into a relationship, you have to embark on a fight finding mission. When the task is completed, then you can make a choice. Probably, you are joking and in future, just look before you leap.

You guys will always cross the bridge when you also get there .Every body deserves a chance,forgive and forget and move on with life.Invest your children,the beauty of marriage is the children you have for him.He was honest with you,some people get to know when they are reading the man,s will after his death.There is a lot you dont understand,but not all african men,The future always matters to a Nigerian.what will happen in the old age?will you be living in Nigeria?Move on pls.Many women will still marry him despite that.Dont listen to advises.Once you dump him,many men will line up infront of your house to take turns,none will marry you.move on ,forgive and love again.

Andre Uweh:

You did not do your homework before you gave your silly body to a man you are not sure of. It is an outright stupidity for someone to invest in a man you are not sure of. You are not even married to him. An adult is different from a 5 year old 10 year old. It never occured to your memory that such an adult might have been married, or engaged with someone else or is seeing someone else before you.
Could the parents, siblings, relatives and friends lie to you at the same time?. When you are about to go into a relationship, you have to embark on a fight finding mission. When the task is completed, then you can make a choice. Probably, you are joking and in future, just look before you leap.

Oh God, how can you be so quick to judge and scorn? I AM married to the man, I HAVE met his parents purposefully to know them but my point is that I feel like I have been lied to by his parents who didn´t utter a single word about thhis other woman. We are all mature so let´s try to be civil at that. You are here insulting thinking that people are living the same kind of life like you and so everybody should see the world as you. Unfortunately, there are those like me who get into paths that we hadn´t accounted for coz DUH don´t you think the majority does a bit of background checkup before they engage theirselves in long-term relationships? I happen to fall in this category but somehow I feel like I was lied to by his parents and that´s more hurting than ever. Coz how could I have been meeting them all this time and they didnt utter a word. My mission in coming to this forum is to know whether this an acceptable phenomenon in some Naija cultures especially when Najia men or women are living abroad.

Maybe you are the one who´s not open-minded,typing before you think. Just a thought.

olas2u:

You guys will always cross the bridge when you also get there .Every body deserves a chance,forgive and forget and move on with life.Invest your children,the beauty of marriage is the children you have for him.He was honest with you,some people get to know when they are reading the man,s will after his death.There is a lot you dont understand,but not all african men,The future always matters to a Nigerian.what will happen in the old age?will you be living in Nigeria?Move on pls.Many women will still marry him despite that.Dont listen to advises.Once you dump him,many men will line up infront of your house to take turns,none will marry you.move on ,forgive and love again.

Thank you for your good insights.You know what, to move on is my last option coz somehow, I might be old--fashioned but, my children deserve their own father. I think I just need to know whether he can be their for them n the future coz I dont need the bond between him and my children to be broken. I know that in the future, my children will understand. Its a pity I havent been able to go back to Nigeria to get to the matter of things but I have gotten some answers from his parents and him. I found out that the gal moved on after finding out about him and me together but you never know .
I got the looks to so I know finding another man wont be a problem at all. Thing is, I´m a one man woman and that might be a bit hard

GUys is this a common scenario in Nigeria with men living abroad?

@ poster

its not a common scenario with naija men but can be depending on the kind of guy you are dealing with. Throw more light into his personality, his background (you met his family) and we can tell for sure what he is capable of doing.

If he is from the east of nigeria, from a respectable home, then believe the other lady has moved on. he will also concentrate on you and the family he is building with you but also resolve it in your mind that there is a child out there.

if he is from th south-south then dont break your head, that love child will not mean much to his loving you. he will ocassionally see to his/her needs.

Who got the man got the upper hand. if you drop out now then what happens to the children he adores. Also know and be ready to make it back to nigeria with him in the future.

All i can say is for her to live with his parents means she has been accepted into his family as well, (coz the parents could have easily accepted the child without the mother, but they agreed to have the other woman come stay with them), , u need to wake up to that reality.

That said, It could have honestly been a mistake on your hubby's part or it might have been intentional (after all we hear stories of women that get pregnant on purpose for any man that comes from 'away').

But i'm curious tho poster, how did you find out about the other woman?

my dear, he will never be your husband, married or not. he is the husband of that one from nigeria. probably he already had traditional marriage before he travaled. doesn't he send money over there? I'm really sorry for your children and for you, because once a nigerian man is married traditionaly, he consider his wife, the woman he left home, not the one he lives with abroad. sad story, but this is the truth. i live in europe and i can tell you lots of stories, things that i saw here, even in the church. horrible and all for the love of money.

bamboocha:

my dear, he will never be your husband, married or not. he is the husband of that one from nigeria. probably he already had traditional marriage before he travaled. doesn't he send money over there? I'm really sorry for your children and for you, because once a nigerian man is married traditionaly, he consider his wife, the woman he left home, not the one he lives with abroad. sad story, but this is the truth. i live in europe and i can tell you lots of stories, things that i saw here, even in the church. horrible and all for the love of money.

So true.

@Poster
Some naija men are dubious for that. They marry women in different countries to use them as financial gain or to get immigration papers or what have you. It happens all the time. One just has to pray not to dabble into the waiting hands of such scammers.