I have been nurturing an intention of attending one of the biggest churches in the country. I have been a passerby severally in the last couple of days, it was just a matter of how soon before I debut in the church.
Today, I finally strolled into the House that stands high on the Rock. After the usual security check peculiar to most new generation churches, I was given a pass into the edifice. I thought I would take some steps after the security point straight to the church gallery, but I was wrong. Instead I saw what looked like different childrens' amusement parks on both sides of the lobby. A little walk further, I was at the exit. My adventure was set to last shorter than a two-minute man, how sad! I walked back again to the entrance hoping to find possible "directional" signs to the church gallery but saw none. I went around looking for who to ask but almost everyone I saw were in pairs. By now, a science student would have taken oscillations of my to and fro motion and in no time the conscious security men may become suspicious of my wandering and even confront me thinking I'm sent by Shekau of the sambisa republic to plant explosives.
Fortunately, I met a guy half way into my next fro motion, he was resting on the hand rail of the stairs looking very relaxed, you'll wouldn't doubt if he told you he was only of the first set of members of the church. He stood like he knew the church move than any other person.
I briskly walked to him and the following conservation ensued, "me: boss, good morning, where's the way to the auditorium? Guy: "This is your first time here I guess", starts a run down of the programmes that hold in church every week, ask where I live and tells me the unit I should join. I cut in "Oga, na visit I visit, I just wan come see how the place be, I've been hearing about this church. The guy instead of pointing to the direction to the gallery volunteered to walk me in the auditorium and give me a seat. He opened the door and I saw a sea of human heads, I wanted to suggest we use the back door so I could avoid the many prying eyes. Care freely, the guy walked through the multitude while I followed, I couldn't feel my feet walking through the whole church, seemed i was tip toeing on water but unlike Peter I didn't sink.
I was given a seat in the midst of ladies. Just in front was a cute girl, I had barely sat when i planned how i will start a chat with After service with the "I almost tapped you in church thinking it was my "mum" narrative then tell he about the unexplainable semblance, it that doesn't pique her interest. I'll throw her an Ikpa Udo's punch " ntà ntà ame ashine tutu, ashine amana ashine" since that will sound like Tuface's Ibibio line of Amaka. That would definitely interest her and we'll talk it from there. I started observing some PDA moves from the lady with the guy right beside her, my curiosity took me to her third left finger; she is a married girl!. Why are young ladies rushing to marry when I never blow yet? Who will I now marry when all of them fine girls are married? I asked myself. I may not have 30 billion I'm my akant but I have 15 naijabet tickets with a potential winning of #1.5 mila, I consoled myself. To my left was another lady (The Chisom Mgbonu of tennis) discussing Serena's loss to Noami yesterday. She had so much grip of tennis that the husband maybe bf was just nodding to every of her analysis. I wanted to share some views on her loss but her spouse may suspect me of using football to get at his better half. Dear future wife, please it wont be "the promise" and "double kara" everytime, watch Tennis, moto GP and football too.
By now, the AC in auditorium has got me gooseBUMPS that couldn't even HALT the SPEED of cold. i was sandwiched between two fatter people but this couldn't still cushion the effect of the cold. I shivered like I had Class A fever.
The service was about starting, how will I endure this cold for three hours? I pitied Nigerians who live and work in cold countries abroad and instantly became a Pan-African. Everybody rose for the opening prayers, I turned around to look at the congregation, if I can convince everyone here to vote me in 2019 Guber election in 2019, OBong Nsima and Deacon will be a walkover.
Dr. Adetokunbo Obinna Dollar gave the message, I have forgotten the topic but I won't forget that he's a funny Preacher.