i will like you to help grade this story all over 10 marks. and tell me the additions and subtractions needed before i continue work on it.

[center]NON EST FACTUM[/center]
Julius a charming, elegant and lanky young man of about 36 years and 6.7ft above the ground was seen coming out of the court premises, handicapped in both hands and legs. On either sides of his were 6 mobile policemen buffeting him to move or they kick him with the butt of the AK 47 rifle.

In the midst of the saddened crowd was a septuagenarian woman shedding tears like a new born baby, holding her wrapper with one hand while the other was on her forehead. Crying and lamenting the same time “ Oh God, why should this happen to me at this age that I cant fend for myself, oh I think its good for me to die instead of my first born and first son to die. Life why are you so cruel to me…………, ” Journalists were seen moving up and down to catch a glimpse of the situation.

Genius as Julius Ademi was usually called during his school days both by the teachers and co students. This was because Julius is naturally gifted and never found wanting in any subject in school. Always coming first in all results.

Though Julius was from a low background family where all they rely on was the mothers’ petty trade and the fathers’ carpentry job to pay the siblings school fees. Despite all these, Julius was able to survive his secondary education and came out with flying colors in his O’level result.

On a particular sunny afternoon, Julius was on his way to his father’s carpentry shop to assist him in some chores so that they could raise some money for his High College tutorials where he had the ambition of being a Neurosurgeon. Suddenly, a Cadillac 2006 model Jeep passed bye him and a man beckoned to him to come. Julius concluded that the man made a mistake because this is a village where they hardly see a second hand car, not to talk about a new one. To his amazement, the gorgeously dressed man called him Genius which made him believe there was no mistake.

Julius went to meet the man and alas he was his primary school friend. “ Chudi, Chudi, what are doing here, whats happening, or are my eyes seeing double? Tell me the truth, have you won a lottery or………………, ” But Chudi interrupted that though he was able to finish his primary education, he has no patience to further his education because all he wanted was a quick route to riches which he has finally got. “ Julius, it would be better if you can use your first class brain to run things for yourself and forget your ambition of a surgeon. The carpentry work your father is doing can only get you a car like this after 500 years continuous savings.”

After 5 years, Julius and Chudi became the talk of the whole village because they are rich, yes richer than a king. Julius moved the parents and other siblings to city where he erected a semi detached duplex on an acre of land with 6 different plushy cars parked for anyone who cares.

This luxurious life continued for the Ademis for 15 years until one Sunday morning when they were busy preparing for church service and a hard knock was heard at the gate to the house. Before they could say Jack Robinson, battalion of mobile policemen stormed the premises and forcefully arrested Julius. The family lawyer was immediately contacted and a date was fixed at the law court for the hearing of the case.

“Court!!!, Order!. The case before us this morning is that of Mr. Julius Ademi a popular Businessman in this country. He is accuse on 3 count charges of 1) he defrauded some European individuals and companies through the internet for complete 7 years to the tune of $500,000.00 out of which he funded a bank for easy transfer of his dubious funds. 2) this is also a cyber related crime. The accuse collected the some of $20,000.00 from one Mr. Ekpeyong. The said money was paid to him to help in the neurosurgical operation of his brother. But alas, the accuse collected the money and flee offline. Unfortunately, the poor lad lost his live. The 3rd and final charge is that a Business Magnate called Chudi and Julius conspired purportedly conspired together and killed a State Security Agent in charge of advance fee fraud. It is in view of these that a jury is formed in this High Court to come out with a verdict”. After the court clerk finished reading the cases before them, the leader of the jury asked if the accuse was guilty but his lawyer rose and said it was a matter of non est factum I(not by his deed and intention). As the jury leader was about to speak, there was a rush in the court room and Julius father was being carried out by Julius fiancée and a family member. The man was rushed to a nearby hospital due to a cardiac arrest.

“Order please! We have tried all possible best to arrest the second cohort called Chudi but it has not been easy been easy because we have over 17 different photographs claiming to be him but we wont rest on our hoarse until we get him arrested and judged. Since there is a stipulated constitution for crime and murder related offences, this jury came out with this verdict……………………, ”

The court room was very tense as people were waiting to hear the verdict and Julius was seen doing the cross sign on his face.
“ the first verdict is that his properties be impounded and also the bank he uses for these nefarious activities will be investigated and the management brought to book 2) for the cases of cyber crimes, he his sentenced to 75years imprisonment without bail, for the second offence involving the death of the lad, he his sentenced to 80 years imprisonment to run concurrently with the first one. And the last verdict is that he who kills by the sword will surely die by it. This man has committed a terrible atrocities in this great nation, he has tarnished the image of this country locally and internationally. Apart from his financial crime, 2 innocent souls were lost through him…………….he should be immediately executed through a firing squad. I rise!”.

Julius was led to the execution ground in midst of gnashing of teeth and sobbing. Genius, a man of great ambition was tied to the drums and at the count of 3, the soldiers pulled their triggers simultaneously and all Julius could quickly say before the bullets met him was “ hey, see Chudi!” but it was too late because he died instantaneously.

Since nobody could recognize Chudi, all the prophet who prayed for him could say is that “duo cum faciunt idem, non est idem”. Meaning never conspire with anybody to illicit business, because your partner might go unpunished while nemesis may catch up with you. And to our youths present here today, slow and steady win the race for there is no shortcut to riches.

THE END

@ YICOB,

At the risk of somebody (or you) calling for my head, I'll say that there are numerous grammatical errors in this story. The structure is tacky to say the least and you really should attempt to do some research regarding the structure and procedure of courts (and court proceedings). Glaring errors that come to mind for example - (1) A Jury cannot ask if the accused is guilty or not; (2) Verdicts are either "Guilty" or "Not Guilty" and only a judge can pronounce a sentence not a jury.

In light of the foregoing and other points I have not raised, I give the story a grade of 2.

yicob:

i will like you to help grade this story all over 10 marks. and tell me the additions and subtractions needed before i continue work on it.

[center]NON EST FACTUM[/center]
Julius a charming, elegant and lanky young man of about 36 years and 6.7ft above the ground was seen coming out of the court premises, handicapped in both hands and legs. On either sides of his were 6 mobile policemen buffeting him to move or they kick him with the butt of the AK 47 rifle.

In the midst of the saddened crowd was a septuagenarian woman shedding tears like a new born baby, holding her wrapper with one hand while the other was on her forehead. Crying and lamenting the same time “ Oh God, why should this happen to me at this age that I can't fend for myself, oh I think its good for me to die instead of my first born and first son to die. Life why are you so cruel to me…………, ” Journalists were seen moving up and down to catch a glimpse of the situation.

Genius as Julius Ademi was usually called during his school days both by the teachers and co students. This was because Julius is naturally gifted and never found wanting in any subject in school. Always coming first in all results.

Though Julius was from a low background family where all they rely on was the mothers’ petty trade and the fathers’ carpentry job to pay the siblings school fees. Despite all these, Julius was able to survive his secondary education and came out with flying colors in his O’level result.

On a particular sunny afternoon, Julius was on his way to his father’s carpentry shop to assist him in some chores so that they could raise some money for his High College tutorials where he had the ambition of being a Neurosurgeon. Suddenly, a Cadillac 2006 model Jeep passed bye him and a man beckoned to him to come. Julius concluded that the man made a mistake because this is a village where they hardly see a second hand car, not to talk about a new one. To his amazement, the gorgeously dressed man called him Genius which made him believe there was no mistake.

Julius went to meet the man and alas he was his primary school friend. “ Chudi, Chudi, what are doing here, whats happening, or are my eyes seeing double? Tell me the truth, have you won a lottery or………………, ” But Chudi interrupted that though he was able to finish his primary education, he has no patience to further his education because all he wanted was a quick route to riches which he has finally got. “ Julius, it would be better if you can use your first class brain to run things for yourself and forget your ambition of a surgeon. The carpentry work your father is doing can only get you a car like this after 500 years continuous savings.”

After 5 years, Julius and Chudi became the talk of the whole village because they are rich, yes richer than a king. Julius moved the parents and other siblings to city where he erected a semi detached duplex on an acre of land with 6 different plushy cars parked for anyone who cares.

This luxurious life continued for the Ademis for 15 years until one Sunday morning when they were busy preparing for church service and a hard knock was heard at the gate to the house. Before they could say Jack Robinson, battalion of mobile policemen stormed the premises and forcefully arrested Julius. The family lawyer was immediately contacted and a date was fixed at the law court for the hearing of the case.

“Court!!!, Order!. The case before us this morning is that of Mr. Julius Ademi a popular Businessman in this country. He is accuse on 3 count charges of 1) he defrauded some European individuals and companies through the internet for complete 7 years to the tune of $500,000.00 out of which he funded a bank for easy transfer of his dubious funds. 2) this is also a cyber related crime. The accuse collected the some of $20,000.00 from one Mr. Ekpeyong. The said money was paid to him to help in the neurosurgical operation of his brother. But alas, the accuse collected the money and flee offline. Unfortunately, the poor lad lost his live. The 3rd and final charge is that a Business Magnate called Chudi and Julius conspired purportedly conspired together and killed a State Security Agent in charge of advance fee fraud. It is in view of these that a jury is formed in this High Court to come out with a verdict”. After the court clerk finished reading the cases before them, the leader of the jury asked if the accuse was guilty but his lawyer rose and said it was a matter of non est factum I(not by his deed and intention). As the jury leader was about to speak, there was a rush in the court room and Julius father was being carried out by Julius fiancée and a family member. The man was rushed to a nearby hospital due to a cardiac arrest.

“Order please! We have tried all possible best to arrest the second cohort called Chudi but it has not been easy been easy because we have over 17 different photographs claiming to be him but we wont rest on our hoarse until we get him arrested and judged. Since there is a stipulated constitution for crime and murder related offences, this jury came out with this verdict……………………, ”

The court room was very tense as people were waiting to hear the verdict and Julius was seen doing the cross sign on his face.
“ the first verdict is that his properties be impounded and also the bank he uses for these nefarious activities will be investigated and the management brought to book 2) for the cases of cyber crimes, he his sentenced to 75years imprisonment without bail, for the second offence involving the death of the lad, he his sentenced to 80 years imprisonment to run concurrently with the first one. And the last verdict is that he who kills by the sword will surely die by it. This man has committed a terrible atrocities in this great nation, he has tarnished the image of this country locally and internationally. Apart from his financial crime, 2 innocent souls were lost through him…………….he should be immediately executed through a firing squad. I rise!”.

Julius was led to the execution ground in midst of gnashing of teeth and sobbing. Genius, a man of great ambition was tied to the drums and at the count of 3, the soldiers pulled their triggers simultaneously and all Julius could quickly say before the bullets met him was “ hey, see Chudi!” but it was too late because he died instantaneously.

Since nobody could recognize Chudi, all the prophet who prayed for him could say is that “duo come faciunt idem, non est idem”. Meaning never conspire with anybody to illicit business, because your partner might go unpunished while nemesis may catch up with you. And to our youths present here today, slow and steady win the race for there is no shortcut to riches.

THE END

I cannot grade it now, because you have not written the story.
You have made notes for your draft.

Is this your first draft?

You have a good story, and you need to take your time to write it.

Writing has a format. And you have to make up your mind on the best format for your story and I recommend a writing workshop online or offline.
See the British Council online for resources for writers.

Well done.

@ smc, thanks alot. I will make amends .
@ orikinla, thank u. That was my 1st draft and i wrote it 4days ago after readin "when an angel sings" by u on this forum. I wont mind if u can drill me personally on it for a good work!

yicob:

@ smc, thanks alot. I will make amends .
@ orikinla, thank u. That was my 1st draft and i wrote it 4days ago after readin "when an angel sings" by u on this forum. I wont mind if u can drill me personally on it for a good work!

Yicob,
Your characters have been developed.
You have the beginning and you have been able to develop your story.
Now, you have to address the grammar and narrative style.
Each character must have a manner of speech determined by their educational background, social background, psyche and the environment.
The locale and the rationale of your story.

Your narrative style is still vague.

I recommend Isidore Okpewho's The Last Duty or T. M. Aluko's Wrong Ones in the Dock

The best way to learn how to write is actually to read and study the characteristics of prose of the successful novelists and drammatists.

See your story as a literary project and look for the narrative models.

For your kind of literature, you have to read African Writers of the genre of Isidore Okpewo, Festus Iyayi and T.M. Aluko.

Just read Isidore Okpewo's The Last Duty and study the narrative pattern and challenge your genius to be as good as the writer or even to improve on it.

For your court scenes, see a Nigerian lawyer and study court scenes in Nigerian novels.

Then, when you have completed it, give it to a good editor.
Senior lecturers in English are good editors.

thanks alot mr. orikinla. have gotten a copy of the last duty and i will try and do justice to your reply.

Yicob, get a copy of So Long a letter, by Mariama Ba, as well as the Victims by Isidore Okpewho.