It all begins when the country's brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country's problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects.

What happens next?
They decide to emigrate.

And after that?
Another group of bright people get together.

What do they do?
They also emigrate.

And then?
And so on and so forth.

What does any of this have to do with a Nigerian election?
When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with?

Retired baskteball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites?
You're now ready to hold a Nigerian election.

How important are elected officials to Nigeria ?
Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one.

What's at stake in a Nigerian election?
Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That's from the politician's point of view.

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections?
About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves.

So it's like a lotto?
Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.

Who are qualified to run?
Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who's alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.

What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?
ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people.

You mean 'con artists?, don't you?
You said it, we didn't .

Who are qualified to vote?
Anyone at all. Typically, anyone who's willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's work visiting a lot of precints during election day.

Talk about parties in Nigeria
Everybody loves going to parties in Nigeria.

No, POLITICAL parties
Oh!. Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas.

What's the difference between the two parties?
Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any.

Explain what this year's presidential elections is all about
Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?

No, is that a joke?
That's the presidential election.

You're a cynical bastard, aren't you?
No no no, we're not running for office.

Why are there so many international observers who come to a Nigerian election?
They're fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it.

What are you talking about?
Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.

Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?
They're also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who're killed.

Nigerian elections sound like they're really violent and bloody
Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that's only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts.

How clean are Nigerian elections?
Let's put it this way: if Nigerian elections were your house you wouldn't want to live in it.

What are guns, goons and gold??
Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There's a new one: film credits.

How come this pamphlet doesn't include a question that goes "why can't all candidates just jump in the lake"?
That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into this article for very naughty purposes. We decline to answer it.

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?
Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.

Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections?
You really ARE from another planet, aren't you?

ROFLMFAO          

That was amazing! Who wrote it?

Absolutely splendid!

A very accurate description of the political system in Nigeria!

I'm still trying to stop laughing.      


May God have mercy on this country. Amen!

Absolutely fantastic. You just put a humorous spin on the political climate of Nigeria. Reminds me of several of Reuben Abati's monologues in the Guardian.

What a satire! I like this part

texazzpete:

Explain what this year's presidential elections is all about
. . . . the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?

How true (and sad)

for us to compete with other developing world VOTE PAT this might be our last chance.

i remove cap for ya texazzpete

This is realy interesting. You have been following election in Nigeria for a very long time. You actually have the picture.

Nice one Tex

Too bad, how fast our beloved country is being destroyed. My brother, i must admit with shame that, your metaphors about Nigerian Election is true, even at that, What is the way forward? We need to take things i mean the issues affecting our country very serious and not laugh over what is being written. I want to believe the write up was not meant for entertainment, but just a reminisce of the dark sides of our beloved country. What is the way forward I must let you know this, you are one of Nigeria's hope.

Actually, I don't think Pat Utomi will do better than Yar'adua. To succeed in politics, you need certain [size=4pt]corrupt[/size] friends.

Nice Post

LOL

Seun a politician with good intentions cannot claim to have no corrupt friends or associations, but such a politician is different because he doesnt engage in corrupt practices notwithstanding surrounding influences.
Coleslove I like your post. Now who knows, maybe nairaland is nurturing Nigeria's redeemers. . . .theres hope afterall!

Seun:

Actually, I don't think Pat Utomi will do better than Yar'adua. To succeed in politics, you need certain [size=4pt]corrupt[/size] friends.

I will support this statement in principle, its an assignment that requires The Good, The Bad and The Wise.

user86666:

maybe nairaland is nurturing Nigeria's redeemers. . . .theres hope afterall!

I very optimistic about that statement. I'll live to see this acomplished.

Pat Utomi is the man. Did you watch him against Buhari yesternight? That guy knows his onions. Please vote him. I believe he is the only one who has the intention of gtting us out of this mess we have dug ourselves into.

Seun:

Actually, I don't think Pat Utomi will do better than Yar'adua. To succeed in politics, you need certain [size=4pt]corrupt[/size] friends.

U re right.But what if the certain friend want to remain your enemy?
Utomi gat friends,remember he was in d the corridors of power as a special adviser.
He got some friends too.
For now he is the best bet since Duke opted out.

I think it's possible for Pat Utomi to be the president of Nigeria in the future.
I would like to cast a protest vote for him next week, but I can't. I think he should start at the state level.

Well, looking back 15 years, nothing much has changed.

People have become more and more cynical, and more willing to go to 'ready made countries with ready made democracies'

At the end of the day, we all have to work within the system to make it better.